I love horses!

Introducing the great Lilac Domino. She is a treasure (one man's trash is another fool's treasure). She comes in looking like this (actually normally worse if she can) every day. She is supposed to be white, btw. Sorry for the small pic, I couldn't find another one of her, most likely because she always looks like a damn ragamuffin, so who would want to photograph her. :P

Lilac is 27 yrs old, not my horse, but I am paid to care for her, which I do as though she were my own. She is a retired show horse and brood-mare and do to her "been there, done that" status, she is normally allowed to do her own thing and just be a horse. Yep, she's spoiled! So tonight, being as it was 10 degrees (-15 degrees with the windchill), I decided to just let her stroll out of her stall, no halter, and walk around the barnyard while I cleaned. She hates to be tied and hates more to be locked in the front of the barnyard. I have let her wander around before, knowing she would just nose about and then venture to the hay area and we have never had an issue. Lilac is not a dumb horse, but when she wants something...... Tonight, she wanted to eat off the middle bale of hay in a "wall of hay" we had made to block the wind from her and her neighbor's stall. As I shoveled out her pit of a stall and listened to her munch, suddenly she lept backward as 6 bales of hay came crashing down around her. One inevitable hit her in the head, hence her blinking oddly and shaking her head. No sympathy! She pulled and pulled at one bale in order to get to the part she wanted and TIMBER, here they all were. As it was so damn cold, the bales are very heavy and my back was in no mood, I tossed the bales back into the hay bin....unstacked, and finished the stall. The look on Miss Lilac's face was priceless, I had to laugh. She waited for a stern reaction from me. She stood, frozen next to the barn. All she got was a laugh. "Good job old girl, ought to have a nice headache in the morning." What else can I do?

I will just keep telling myself, "I love horses, I love horses, I love horses." :P

And the list grows

I have officially added the employees of Boch Toyota to my list of "asswipes who are wasting my precious oxygen." My question, how did Ernie Boch, Jr become the 15th wealthiest man in Massachusetts while allowing his dealerships to piss off customers to such an extent?

Don't get me wrong, I love my little red Matrix, but since I have bought it, the dealership has been nothing but a bunch of inept dipshits. First off, the dealer was supposed to have me sign a piece of paper allowing them to pay off my trade-in....something I certainly would appreciate. They forgot! Therefore my car payment to the Ford Company was late. Secondly, though I should have noticed when my registration expired (even without something from the registry), the dealer went to change my registration to my new car and accepted an expired registration. Who is dummer, me for not knowing, the registry for printing an expired registration or the dealer for holding onto my registration for a week, telling me it was all set and never noticing it was expired? I happily jaunted over to the dealership and was denied an inspection sticker for my brand new vehicle. Needless to say, I was livid! But none the less, I fixed that little issue and began merrily driving my spiffy new ride. There was still one small problem; the shift lock cover has been taken out of the car (probably by some brat kid who wasn't being watched in the showroom) and I wanted a replacement. This cover is about the size of a nickel and covers a small hole next to my shifter, seeminly insignificant, but as I did purchase a brand new vehicle, I felt it my right to ask for a new one. The dealer told me it would be in the following Tuesday after my initial sticker disaster, but of course, it wasn't. I then got a card stating my part had arrived and I could pick it up. They wanted me to make an appointment, but as it is only a small tab to be popped in, I found the thought of making an appointment and wasting a trained mechanics time to be silly.

I had a limited amount of time (according to my order status card) to go pick up my part, so I decided to go today. (Little did I know how popular these little Toyota parts were, that it could get snatched up by another customer.) As it was snowing, I got to enjoy the hour drive dealing with New Englanders who amazing forget how to drive each time a snow flake hits their car. I ignored the imbiciles on the road by rocking along to Melissa Ethridge and Audioslave in my CD player. I like to mix it up. When I arrived at the parts department, the man behind the desk proceeded to tell me that as this is a warranty item, I had to have it installed by one of their technicians or pay for it. The price for the little part, $20. I think not! Seeing the stupified look on my face at the idea of having to come back when I had an appointment, this gentleman brought me into the service department and asked if they could take me today without an appointment. Walter said, "sure, we aren't busy." Thinking I would simply wait 5 minutes for them to pop in my tab, I wandered into the waiting area to joyously listen to a baby scream at the top of his lungs. Did I wait 5....10...15 mins? No, I waited over an hour. I thought they MUST be washing my brand new car for me, otherwise how could this small procedure take so long. Finally Walter came out and called my name, yet he had no keys in his hand. With a dumbfounded look on my face, I walked over to Walter only to have him say, "Ma'am, I am very sorry, but after taking your shifter apart, my mechanic realized we had ordered you the wrong part." I believe my blood temperature must have far surpassed the boiling point of human blood at this moment and I was sure there must have been puffs of smoke coming out from under my hat. I responded, "WHAT? I am missing a tiny tab to cover my shift lock, I drove an hour out here. Tell me again, what is the issue?" Walter, sensing danger responds, "again, I am extrememly sorry, but they ordered you the actual shift lock and I simply told the mechanic to install what I handed him and he realized once the shift column was apart. We do not have your needed part in stock and will have to order it." My response, "This fucking sucks!" Walter wandered off mumbling something about getting my car pulled around to the front. I stood in the waiting area in complete awe at the fact that once again, this dealership has far surpassed the realm of complete idiots. I decided then that I have had enough. I saw Walter getting my keys from the technician, walked over to him and said, "I am going to need you to mail me that tab." I think Walter knew that any semblance of a no at this point would have caused me to open the nearest Matrix on the lot and get my own damn cover. He simply responded, "I will mail that right to you once it arrives." I thanked him as politely as I could, took my keys and drove home.

I will say, that if Walter somehow does not send me my part in the mail and I get one of those cards stating I need to make an appointment, he will find more than that nickel size tab shoved up his ass when I find him!

Crisis explained

This is a forward I received from my friend Amy. I felt it explained a lot of what I have been trying to learn as of late, so I want to share. Thanks Ames! If you know where this comes from, please post...as I do hate plagiarizing. :)


"THE CRISIS: A DANGEROUS OPPORTUNITY

The Chinese word for "crisis" is composed of two characters. The first means "danger" and the second means "opportunity". To use a crisis constructively in our lives, we must see both the danger and the opportunity which are present. A crisis is a threat of loss or an actual loss which arouses anxiety, grief, guilt, anger, depression or craziness. Such a threatened or actual loss in itself might not be so catastrophic except that it exposes an identity problem within the individual which might otherwise remain hidden. Therefore, the crisis, although painful, can be used to confront one's own identity dilemmas and enhance self-awareness and personal growth. However, because of the pain provoked by the crisis, it is usually very difficult for the suffering person to look at the self clearly without support and guidance. The sufferer wants to run from where she is and retreat to some old familiar place of safety, wants to cling to old dreams and favored behaviors without facing the new dimensions of her identity which need to emerge in and through the crisis. Reactions to the loss, such as the grief reaction, come not only from losing a beloved person or status, but also from losing one's old identity and dreams: grief tempered by the understanding that a new identity is born out of the ashes of the old. If a crisis is to serve its evolutionary purpose, the sufferer must see the opportunity to shed the cocoon and learn to fly. If grief turns into resistance the opportunity to move to the next step is lost. Through awareness she can learn to cooperate with the birthing process of new consciousness and allow grief to perform its true function. Likewise, only through understanding can she use her anger, guilt, or anxiety to make her crisis and its pain into a passageway for new self-awareness of her whole person: body, mind, soul and spirit.

Each crisis occurs at the point where the old is holding on and the new wants to emerge. What was once our security or even delight is now becoming a chain around our neck. Insensitive to our tremendous potential for development and expansion, we keep settling for less. When an old dream or lifestyle has reached the limits of its value, a crisis occurs to tell us we are ready to move on. We have unconsciously helped to create the crisis, and we must consciously de-code it if we are to detect our needed change of direction. We must move into the new (unknown) dimensions or stagnate. Crisis is a time when all our ego games and normal supports are stripped down to nothing. We feel isolated from important others. We are tossed back upon our own resources even though we may not know what those resources are or how to use them. We have been wrongly related to others and in our solitude we have to discover something within ourselves before we can return to the community of relationships with a new attitude. A mini-community or bridging person must somehow help us to understand the meaning of our crisis. A guide for such a sufferer must be one who has faced her/himself and who understand she potential dangers and opportunities of a crisis with regard to one's very identity. To support our courage to search the depths of the pain for the treasures therein.

Crisis is not just an annoying or destructive mishap to be gotten rid of. Crisis has to be seen as a door-opener, a time to look and reevaluate ourselves. If we can decipher the lesson of this experience, we can go with it rather than oppose it. Usually, however, people make the crisis into a problem to be endured, ignored, gotten over, anesthetized, drugged, hypnotized away or cut out. Seeking solutions by focus on alleviating symptoms is seductive. We feel cheated, helpless or undone, and others conspire to rescue us from immediate pain. But we must allow the message to help us transition to the next level of unfoldment. The crisis is an assist towards change, a chance to see dependencies and become free of those attachments which limit our aliveness, love and freedom. What we hold on to, holds on to us. We rarely reach the point of arranging for our own self-change, and so life must give us an assist toward change, often in the form of a crisis. If we feel cheated, helpless or undone, remember that sorrow is transcendence in disguise. It is usually primarily our own inner beliefs and attitudes about ourselves that trap us rather than another person or outer situation handicapping us. A crisis occurs when the outer fails and we have not yet discovered the power of the inner. We are angry that our trip has been interrupted. Only later do we realize that ahead of us in the darkness was a precipice. The felt danger of a crisis is that we have lost the fulfillment of our dreams. The actual danger is that we will not discover who the dreamer is, nor know our true spiritual nature. Thus the time of greatest loss is also the time of greatest potential awareness."

Flying high

It is windy out today. I can hear it whipping by my window. I wish I could be out there. The sound of the seagulls flying over the water and the trees rustling would do a lot more for my state of being than the buzzing sound of the fluorescent lights over my head. I have been working on trying to find my inner peace, that quiet deep inside where thoughts can not go. It is hard for me when I am indoors. Sometimes I feel like being out in nature helps to blow away the uneasy thoughts that plague me. I need to stay busy at work, but it is slow today and I fear I will be left with too much time to dwell in my mind. Adam pointed out two hawks flying over the area...we both agreed, "how amazing to be so free."

It is Friday, and though it has been a long week at work and the rest should be welcomed, part of me would rather work. I don't have much planned for this weekend. I have to drive out to the car dealer and get a part for my car and I figure I will stop at some stores in the area that I otherwise would not visit. I don't have the money to spend, but it doesn't hurt to look. It is going to be cold this weekend, disappointing, as I would greatly enjoy a hike or bike ride. I may stop at the state reservation, to which I used to take my dogs hiking every weekend, and go for a walk on my way home. I love to climb to the observation post and just look out at the world below. It is peaceful up there. I do hate to go without the dogs, but the car ride is too long for them, and going alone will give me the chance to take some pictures.

This photo was taken from the tower the last time I was in the area. That is Boston, a place of hustle and bustle so close, yet I stood in an area of serene quiet. If everyone who spends their days in a city or just in a busy life could stop and stand atop their own tower of quiet and just enjoy the quiet of nature, the world would be a more content place.

Wow

Today was a day of revelations. A lot seemed to happen, yet not much at all. I know, cryptic eh? :P

I will start with the most recent.... Mom busted me eating out of her icecream container (I know, bad bad bad). She said I was sick and was going to give her my "disease" and she would get sick and die. She wants it on her headstone that I killed her all for a scoop (or two) of low fat Healthy Choice Capuccino Chocolate Chip icecream. I love my Mom, she is nuts and makes me laugh.

I found out that my name is infamous around one of the company's plants. Recently, through email correspondence I have made a new friend at the plant and he told me that when he started, he heard my name quite a bit and quickly learned I was the person to go to. Funny, I have never met most of the guys who I have dealt with at BR in the past 5 years, but we are all connected, a sort of camaraderie, protecting and helping each other when it comes to dealing with the immense force of "corporate". My new friend is a good guy and appreciates my assistance. It is good to be appreciated. It is not always good to be known as one of the go-to people at my company, but these guys are respectful and don't push their luck and I know I can call them for anything in a pinch.

My great friend Kevyn was suffering today. He was as tired as I am and had to come down and tend to his very large child, Kidd, a 17hh thoroughbred gelding. Kevyn is fantastic and so is his gentle giant horse. Everyone loves Kidd at the barn, but I must say, I have never met a horse who could injure himself so often...and not just a small scrape. Kidd has had a nasty wound on his back ankle for quite some time, very frustrating, but today he seems to have caused some injury to his eye. Horses DO NOT like to have their eyes treated with any type of rinse, so holding their heads and flushing out a tightly closed eye is no fun, but Kevyn did it, and with amazing patience. As I started to feel overwhelming frustration for all the work my friend has to put into this horse, Kidd suddenly turned to look at his Dad and the affection in his eyes was gleamingly apparent. For anyone who thinks horses are dumb animals who can not love their human counterparts, you need to just watch the relationship between a horse like Kidd and a kind person like Kevyn. They are connected for life. I can not help but smile to think of them. So here's to Kev and Kidd, two partners in crime that I am so glad to know. :)

I received some news from a very good friend of mine that has me worried about her. She is smart, strong and capable of making the right decisions for herself and her son, but I hate to see her in such emotional and mental anguish. She has to make some major changes in her life soon and I wish I could be closer to her, give her a hug, hold her hand. It is so hard to live so far apart, yet feel so close. Retta has taken good care of me in the past and I am eternally grateful. She is in my thoughts and in my heart.

There was, of course, more to the day, but at this time I am going to leave my thoughts at that. I am tired and like Mom said have been sick and need to rest. The moments of today have passed....wonder what tomorrow will bring. Life really is like a box of chocolates.

(Oh great, now I want more of Mom's icecream w/ the chocolate chips. hee hee)

Graduation or Expulsion?

I just returned from another thrilling visit with Dr. Crankinpuss, my chiropractor and apparently it was my last one. Now I have felt a bit better about my back, not as many episodes of searing pain knocking me to the floor, no more waking up in pain and my right hip only drops about 1/2 inch rather than the wonderous 3-4inches it has in the past. I was hoping that my Dr. House wannabe (you would have to have seen the show) would tell me I have made progress and he is so proud (yeah right!), but instead he asked what I had been doing with my time and proceeded to tell me it wasn't enough. I am still weak, still falling apart and need to get myself into gear.

My official diagnosis; I am lacking in gluteus maximus, in other words, this baby ain't got no back! The 1/2 hr every night at 4mph is not enough. That is, according to doc, the pace of a 60-70 year old woman. I should be alternating between 4 and 5mph minimum for my half hour. Now Mom only goes about 3mph...I told her she is well over 100 and practically dead per his time frame. After telling me I need to pick up the pace in order to grow some butt and hold myself together, Doc proceeded to make up a little tune.."the girl needs a butt, the girl needs a butt" and sang it as he walked back towards a waiting room full of patients. Oh yes, the joy of knowing everyone stared at my ass as I walked out of the office....FANTASTIC!. :(

After coughing up the $55 for my 5 minute insult session, I asked if I should have another appointment, but no...he doesn't want to see me again. So, do I take that as "yes, you've improved, I am just too much of a prick to tell you that directly" or "I am sick of seeing you and your non-existent tookus"? I am going to take it as I am getting better (just not fast enough) and I will be saving my sorry ass the $55 each month and the torture of this brilliant professional making up songs about my flat toosh. Yahoo, pop the champagne!

What to do

Google's quote of the day is a harsh one....

"Typos are very important to all written form. It gives the reader something to look for so they aren't distracted by the total lack of content in your writing." - Randy K. Milholland

Ouch. I wonder, should I have more typos? :P

It is so strange having a Sunday free. For so long, I had dedicated my Sundays to spending with one person. It hard not to call that person and want to go grab a coffee and chat. I have plenty to do, I guess it is just a matter of picking something and getting to it. I have a bed frame set that has been waiting to be put together for a long time now. I wonder how long I can avoid doing that little project. It is time though to either start the assembly or toss it! So many parts, so many screws and no directions. Knowing me it will be upside down, backwards and have a minimum of 5 extra parts when I am done.

I could always do what I really want to do and throw my bike into the car and head to the park.....

WOOT!!

I am going to Florida!!!!! Next month, I am sooo excited. Just thought I would share!!!!

Give me strength

I have been informed that my sister will be moving home. Of course if I ask when, the answer is always "I don't know." Call me crazy, but I would say I have a right to know. Her piece of shit boyfriend, or ex-boyfriend or roommate or whatever he is, has told her to get out and he is supposedly on one of the Matchmaker type things online. I don't know anyone who would date him, to me he is an obvious dumbass lunatic, but hey..some people are desperate. So now I will be losing my lovely office and will have to relocate the computer. I hate moving this machine and now that my computer guru is no longer speaking to me, if I break it I am in the shitter. I will also have to redo the cable lines to the modem....yeah, like I know how to do that. Oh what a joy! Trying my hardest to squelch the vomit from coming out my mouth at the thought of her coming back is not working out so well. I am also worried about my dogs and cat, because Senorita Selfish is bringing the dog she pays no attention to and the cat my Mom bought her because I killed her cat (it was dying, so I had it euthanized). I don't want my 10 and 13yr old dogs upset, nor my 16yr old cat and I am not sure what to do about all this. I seem to have NO say in the matter, so as I am learning to just accept what occurs and live my life, I guess I have to keep my shit together here, let the dogs kill the mutt and my cat claw apart the kitten and move on.

On a more positive note, I am going out to night with Kev. I can not wait. He is a great friend and I know we will have a blast! Best prepare my facial muscles for some hard laughing because they will be sore on Sunday. :)

Poor Johnny.....

JW is one of the Field Service Specialists at work. He is a riot, a great guy to work with. Next week, Johnny is off, going to London with his beautiful wife. He should be excited, new country, time away from work, time away with the wife.....but nope, he was overwhelmed by the stress of all he had to do before he left. I tried to tell him not to worry, that the jobs he set up would proceed without a hitch, but being the perfectionist he can be, he was wrought with worry. I have been there, and it sucks! Why is it that when we are at work doing the day to day, we wish we were on vacation, but when vacation comes, we worry about work? How ironic! I know Johnny will have fun, he works hard and deserves it. The other guys and I will make sure it all goes as he promised his customers so maybe next time vacation comes, good ole' JW will have a smile on his face the day before he goes.

It was a busy day, but fun. "Freaky Friday" as Beth always says. The guys can not help but laugh when she says it. With a day full of ER Spills and unwanted overtime, it is good to see them smile as they walk out the door. I really do work with a good group of people, I try to thank them all the time. They see me having a rough day, they check in, make me grin and laugh even if I don't want to. It has been quite a few months since I started in my little Field Service office, but I am really fitting in and having a good time. I waited a long time to get this position and it was worth the wait.

My road....

I am finally free of a toxic part of my life and I am so much better off. With a world so full of beauty, why waste life worrying about something so ugly. So I begin my journey down a path which will lead me to peace. Wish me luck.

Sad but true....

I have recently come to the realization that no matter how much you care for someone, no matter what you try to do for them, attempting to tell that person the truth (or what you believe to be the truth) is a wasted effort when the person can not allow himself to trust enough to listen. I have also found that with the defensive stance which arises within the person comes a large amount of cruelty. That is very sad. I guess some people are just not ready to open their minds and hearts to others, and therefore retreat in anger. I can not let it hurt me because it is not real, it is a manifestation of fear. I wonder what will happen, but I will not obsess over it. My only response to empty, offensive words, "is that so."

Too Bad.....

I am afraid I did something today that I promised myself I would not do, I let someone I care about push me away. This person has gone through a lot lately, but sadly I believe 80% of it at this time is of his own doing. I wanted to help, but was stifled and not allowed to do so and that makes me sad.

How much pushing can someone endure before it is ok to leave? I wanted to be there, to listen, to sort through any problems, but it seems I can no longer do so. KC pointed out that it is no longer my choice, as this person has put up a seemingly impenetrable wall and chooses not to listen to anyone. How do you help someone who does not want to be helped? I guess I can’t. It pains me to have to step away, whether permanently or temporarily, but I must think of my own existence and it is damaged when there is someone choosing to be close-minded and angry in my life. I have been under those circumstances before and as much as I care, as much good as I see in someone, I must face the fact that until this person admits they need help, there is nothing anyone can do. Asking for help is not a sign of weakness, it is a sign of strength. It takes strength to not just want to make a change, but to actually do so.
I was angry earlier today, but now I am ok. I see that at least in one case, I did as much as I was allowed for someone. Although I wanted to say, “Go away and never bother me again”, I cannot and will not. My door and my mind will remain open, but I am no fool and without genuine effort from someone who wants me in their life, I will not give up my “now” for them. It is a similar instance for which I get angry with my Mother. She keeps trying to help my siblings, but they are not really trying and only abuse her in the end. My Mom is not present for herself, therefore she can not help them or herself. I am going to do my best to be present in my own life. I will try to not be ruled by emotion, not over-react to someone else’s inability to accept life and live. I am here, that is all I can be.

Friends, buddies, pals, amigos.......

I have a lot of people I would call my friends. They are good people who I know I can rely on if I need them and I am very grateful for that. I wonder though if I am as good a friend to them. I am very bad about returning phone calls, I am terrible about making plans to go out and I notorious for cancelling them. I wonder sometimes why my friends still call and still invite me out. They are great. I wish I could do more for them, but I just make sure they all know that I am here if needed and love them dearly.

I have recently made a new friend (or at least someone I hope to be friends with in time). She is someone I would never have expected to be in my life, but she responded to an email I sent her and now has been there to comfort me when I have been feeling down. I am very grateful for that.

I am also happy to find I have a Blogger buddy. If I could figure out how, I would have a side list of blogger buds and she would certainly be on top. Thank you Ryann.

I believe that the people one calls friends are a good representation of the type of person one is. All of my friends are very different types of people, but they all add value to my life by being there to laugh, cry and talk with. I am very lucky.

Winter Storm Warning.............

We are now having our first blizzard of the season. Normally I would hate it, but I have nothing to do and really don't want to have work tomorrow. :) Well, Mom is on her little rampage on getting rid of the snow faster than it can fall. I just had the pleasure of listening to her threaten Scrappy (neightbor's dog) with shoving her foot up his ass if he didn't get the hell out of her house. I think he's cute, she is going to hang him from the nearest tree. Oh well.

No sign of #1 son yet today. I thought for sure he would be right over to play with the extravagantly expensive snowblower he bought with my Mom's credit card. I asked where he was, but Mom doesn't know. Her response, "you better get out there and start using it." Oh please.....Can I go out and play with the biggest snowblower Home Depot has to offer and hurt my back more than I did yesterday shoveling frozen shit at the barn?? Please.... please! Knowing the "box o' rocks" I call my brother, there is probably no gas in the damn thing anyway. Last time I used it, I got stuck in the snow, killed myself trying to move it (self-propelled my ass) and ran out of gas on the street. Good times! I think I will wait and pray to Mother Nature that after he falls on his ass (a couple times atleast) while shoveling out his truck, my brother shows up and saves Mom's day. He will, of course, do his normal ritual and blow all the snow onto my car so rather than a foot of snow to shovel, I have about 4ft. He is too good to me. Sibling love, nothing like it.

Why Can't I???

I feel very sad right now and I do not want to. Why can't I make it disappear? I should not feel upset about what has occurred as of late, it is better for me and my emotional wellbeing, but it still hurts. I have avoided writing anything reguarding how I feel because I do not want the person involved to think that I am weak and suffering more than he is, but I am not afraid and will not hide from how I feel. I need to write to figure out if I feel sad for me or if I feel sad for this other person. He has chosen to live in a realm of unhappiness and self-pity rather than open the windows, let some light shine in and get over the past. I am sorry that having a friend who wants to be there, someone who wants to listen is too hard. It is hard because some people do not really want to talk and admit the truth, really try to figure out why there is such upset. We bring our own misery on ourselves, part of us chooses to do so. Well I am going to fight as hard as I can to accept that part of me feels sad, but this too shall pass. This moment is not affected by yesterday. "Today is where your book begins, the rest is still unwritten." - Natasha Bettingfield. The past has helped me to grow into the person I am now, but its importance ends there. I am not my past accomplishments, my past failures, my past loves, my past pains. I am me, I am who I choose to be.

June Cleaver would cringe............

And so continues the saga that is My Mom. I was feeling a bit down today when I got home, so I wanted to walk the dogs. They usually do something goofy to make me smile. I waited for Mom to get home, figuring she would want to join us. Well, I was wrong. She bitched, pissed, moaned and groaned about how cold is was, but begrudgingly joined us out of sheer loyalty, not to me, but to her Isis. Isis is her shining light, her pride and joy, her fourth disobedient child. :)

Anyway, once Mom finished whining and bundled up, off we went. We escaped Scrappy (aka Toby) discovering us, but ran into Zion, the boxer who lives at the barn near us. Zion is a nutjob, but good for amusement. As we strolled around the cranberry bogs, I mentioned that I was looking for my massage pillow. Mom got me a small back pillow with those little beads in it that vibrated so as to massage my lower back. I had not seen said pillow since Christmas day when I opened my gift. As I said I would like the bring it to work so as to make my chair more comfortable, Mom turned and looked at me as if she had made chicken cattiatore out of the parakeet I had as a kid. She then started to laugh, that nervous, yet wicked laugh she does when she knows she did something devious. I figured she was going to tell me that she brought the pillow to work for her own comfort, which would have been fine with me....BUT NO. She said, "I returned it." She brought it back, my Christmas gift, without saying one word about it to me. I wondered where it had disappeared to the day after Christmas, but with the busy time of the holidays, I figured I would find it later. Mom apparently decided that she did not like it and it did not work very well, so she was bringing it back. She then informed me she bought herself a shirt with the refund...."No wait," she says, "I bought a bra with it, yes, that's was it." I could not believe her! As she could not stop her evil laughing, I decided I would meerly pick up my bottom jaw, return my eyeballs back to their sockets and continue on our merry way.

My Mom.....does she take the cake or what? Actually if she doesn't take my cake to eat it, she will probably throw it out! Oye!

Dear Kotex.......

I received this email from a good gal friend and it is too funny not to share.....

Dear Kotex,

I recently noticed that the peel-off strip of my pantiliner had a bunch of Kotex Tips for Life on it. Annoying advice such as:
* Staying active during your period can relieve cramps.
* Avoiding caffeine may help reduce cramps and headaches.
* Drink 6-8 glasses of water a day to keep you hydrated and feeling fresh.
* Try Kotex blah blah blah other products

Obviously, the person behind this was someone who has never possessed a functioning set of ovaries. Go ahead and tell a menstruating woman TO HER FACE that drinking 6-8 glasses of water will help keep her feeling fresh. See what happens and report back. I'll wait.

While you're at it, dump out the coffee at work and remove the chocolate from the vending machine. I guaran-damn-tee that the first responders will be females who just ovulated. Look, females don't need or want tips for living on feminine hygiene products. Younger girls are already hearing "helpful" crap like that from their elderly relatives. Veteran females have already concocted their own recipes for survival- many containing alcohol. Printing out shitty advice while sneaking in ads for the brand THAT WAS ALREADY PURCHASED is just plain annoying, not to mention rude and enough to send a girl running to the Always brand. Mostly we'd like to forget that we even need these products. It's not a fun time, but DO NOT try to cheer us up by adding smiley faces or bunnies or flowery, cutesy crap to your products or the packaging. Put the sh*t in a plain brown wrapper so we can throw it in our carts discreetly and have it blend in among the wine and beer. There is nothing more annoying than having a blinding pink package announcing your uterine state to everyone in the store.

The ultimate goal of your product should be functional invisibility at every stage, including at the point of purchase. So take your tips for living and shove them right up your ass. (Try drinking six to eight glasses of water to make you feel fresher while you're doingit!)

Ovarily Yours,
Ms. PMS

And ya wonder where I get it from......................

It's official, my Mom is cracked! She has had me in tears the past two days with the ridiculous stories from work. You would have to know my Mom, who at first glance appears very stoic, serious, not a real jokester. But in reality, she is a loon, and I think is crazier than I am!

Last night I am on the treadmill bugging her to shut off her stupid political shows so I can watch That 70s Show, when she turns down the volume. I turned to look at her and she is practically in tears thinking of what she needs to tell me. Mom goes on to explain how she got a call from a woman today trying to figure out exactly which government agency would be best to deal with her issue. (Mom works for the Dept of Labor's Occupational Safety and Health Admin......or OSHA for short.....a phrase not many companies like to hear). Anyway, this woman didn't want to give details on the issue, so Mom went through her battery of questions; is this a work safety complaint, is this a case of discriminatory firing, trouble with wages, maybe Wage & Hour could help? So after all this, Mom tells the woman she really can not direct her to the correct agency without knowing the problem. The issue at hand.....this woman has a son, whose boss deems it acceptable to refer to said boy as a "Fuck-face". Now, how my Mom kept her shit together and didn't burst our laughing at this call, I don't know. I would have dropped the phone in hysterics. So, not knowing how to handle this one, Mom suggested the woman call The Attorney General's office, another part of the story she was dying over, since she sends all the loony callers to the AG's office. She says they must hate her...and she is ok with that. ROFL.

Today I get an email from Mom in which she tells me she did not have a comb at work and had to comb her hair with.....and I still can't believe her.......a plastic fork! I nearly fell off my chair picturing MY MOM running a cheapo plastic fork through her hair in attempts to tame the flyaways. Mom, of course, has short hair, so I guess it could work. Try that with my hair and a crate of plastic forks wouldn't help. I replied to this odd email...."who are you, Wilma Flintstone?" Wow, my mom...I am so proud.

Along with the fork email, came the story of one of her co-workers introducing her to a very nice oriental woman. Now though that occurrance in itself would not seem odd, the part which caused my Mom again to have to stiffle her laughter was the fact that this man introduced the Oriental woman as a member of an Irish Alliance.....and this "so cute little oriental woman" had the "most adorable thick irish accent." I missed the "oriental" part at first and wondered why Mom found this introduction odd, so she replied..."The point is that she looks Chinese and speaks with an Irish accent. Get it?" Sometimes I wonder about her.........

Improvement............

I am happy to report that I have had a bit of a spring in my step the past couple days, even noticeable by those around me. I don't have that stiffness when I get out of my car in the morning and am leaping up the stairs to work and walking with more pep than I have in awhile. Could it be? Could I be getting stronger? I have been working hard on improving my body. I increase the intensity of my treadmill workout a little each time I feel myself getting comfortable at a certain setting. I was able to get up and workout yesterday morning, but only because I didn't have to go to work as early as usual. I want to get up at 5am and get on the treadmill...but I also want to sleep. I will keep working on that. No matter how tired I am at night, I still hop on for my daily exercise and I feel great afterward. Though I do not yet see a difference, I can feel one and that is a good step. I am determined to get so much stronger and rid myself of the stiffness and backpain, and as an added bonus, someday I would like the hear my cranky chiro say, "good job, vast improvement!"

Me.......

I got one of those "Get to know your friends" emails yesterday, filled most of it out and sent it back to the person who sent it to me. I decided I might as well post it on my blog, just for kicks and info on the somewhat loony Pita. I deleted the questions that I thought were impertinent.

1. IF YOU COULD BUILD A SECOND HOUSE ANYWHERE, WHERE WOULD IT BE? I don't even know where I want my first house. :)....I think Ireland or England
2. YOUR FAVORITE ARTICLE OF CLOTHING? A big sweatshirt that was given to me when I was cold one night.
3. THE LAST CD YOU BOUGHT? Audioslave
4. WHAT TIME DO YOU WAKE UP IN THE MORNING? Weekdays btw 5:00 and 5:30am . Weekends, around 7am. Always way to freakin' early for my taste!
5. WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE KITCHEN APPLIANCE? the microwave, cause I can't cook!
6. IF YOU COULD PLAY AN INSTRUMENT WHAT WOULD IT BE? The piano, I should have taken lessons when I was young. I also wanted to play the guitar, maybe someday
7. WHICH DO YOU PREFER, SPORTS CAR OR SUV? Big Truck. :)
8. DO YOU BELIEVE IN AFTER LIFE? yes, reincarnation of your spirit
9. FAVORITE CHILDREN'S BOOK? Nancy Drew Mysteries and the Secret of the Unicorn Queen...oh and the Black Stallion Series
10. WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE SEASON? Springtime, after things start to dry out from thaw.
11. IF YOU COULD HAVE ONE SUPER POWER, WHAT WOULD IT BE? to turn into any animal I wanted at the time
12. IF YOU HAVE A TATTOO WHERE IS IT? no tattoos, but if I did....either my ankle, back of my shoulder or hip
13. CAN YOU JUGGLE? nope...not balls, not bowling pins, not life.
14. THE PERSON/PEOPLE FROM YOUR PAST YOU WISH YOU COULD GO BACK AND TALK TO? My Mom's mother, never met her. I would hope she could give me insight on my Mom
15. WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE DAY? Well technicaly Friday after work, but any day I can watch my dogs play or be ouside enjoying a day full of laughs w/ a good friend.
16. WHAT'S IN THE TRUNK OF YOUR CAR? a mapbook for the chronically lost
17. SUSHI OR HAMBURGER? sushi w/ lots of wasabi and ginger
21. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE FLOWER? Not sure, I like wildflowers growing in a field.
22. FAVORITE ICE CREAM FLAVOR? Frozen yogurt plz.....mint chocolate chip or coffee heathbar
24. FAVORITE COLOR? I have no idea....either sky blue or grass field green...anything I can see in nature.
26. FAVORITE SANDWICH? A greek salad wrap, toss in some hot pepper rings, mushrooms and pickles, hold the dressing!
27. ON VACATION, WHERE WOULD YOU GO? Hmm, somewhere warm or w/ lots of old customs. Spain, Chile, Australia, Scotland...I dunno
28. FAVORITE BRAND OF CLOTHING? whatever fits and I can afford.
30. FAVORITE SPORTS TO WATCH? baseball if I am at the game
32. ARE YOU A MORNING PERSON OR A NIGHT OWL? neither anymore, used to be a night owl, but have to get up too early. I would like to be awake from 9am to midnight.
33. WHAT DID YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU GREW UP? a forest ranger, photographer for National Geographic, writer, musician.
38. DO YOU HAVE A PET AND IF SO WHAT? 2 dogs, 1 cat and a horse...quite the menagerie of personalities
39. WHAT KIND OF WORK DO YOU DO? not much usually.....office support and general entertainment for the group.
40. FAVORITE TYPE OF MOVIES? Comedies and some serious stuff, but I will cry, guaranteed
41. HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN MARRIED? Not married, most likely never will be
42. WHAT IS YOUR BIRTH SIGN? Aquarius, but on cusp of Capricorn though
44. IF YOU COULD BE/DO WHATEVER YOU WANTED, WHAT WOULD It Be? I would be a writer/photographer and travel around seeing as much of the world as I could..

Fight or Flight….

In Biology class, I was taught that humans are fight animals, like dogs, cats or other animals that will stand and fight when faced with opposition, unlike flight animals such as most birds or squirrels or horses, animals that will run to preserve their existence. I believe that as a collective human race, this is true, but as individuals, even when we are seemingly fighting, we could, in reality, be running from some opposition, some attack, whether mental or physical.

The manner in which one runs will vary from person to person. For example our minds make up an alternate truth to our current reality, changing events or placing blame on someone else so as to avoid facing actual problems. Many times I have tried to figure out what would make me ultimately happy in life, and I believe that absolving myself of fear of living is the answer. I would like to remove my fear of hurting others, my fear of making mistakes, my fear of being wrong…my fear of failure. I think it would be easier sometimes to face a gang of monsters than to face myself after a potential failure. How many people can honestly say they do not fear failure? I know many people who would claim that their lives are not suspended by fear, and maybe it is true, but I believe in many cases, the opposite is true. The older I get, I have learned that I can face my fears, one at a time. Even when I am not successful in an endeavor, I learn something and can possibly try again, accomplishing more than I originally thought was possible.

For many years, I have tried to keep an open mind and accept others for who they are, and try to understand why some people do what they do or believe what they believe, but what about me? I do not believe I am very open-minded when it comes to judging myself. Each of us is truly his/her own toughest critic. When something goes wrong because of some decision I have made, my mind is hard on me…”why did you do that, what is wrong with you?” If I sit back and watch myself, as if another person, I think, “at least you are trying, nobody’s perfect.” If only we could see ourselves through someone else’s eyes. A mother who believes she isn’t giving her child enough needs to see herself through her child’s eyes. A husband who believes his is a disappointed needs to see himself through his wife’s loving eyes. One can only tell another so many times that the other can accomplish his/her goals, can be great, but there is no way to force someone to believe. Dealing with life in today’s world is hard enough; I certainly do not have to make life more difficult by punishing myself via harsh personal judgments. I need an open mind, an open heart and a strong will, with all these traits, my fears will slowly diminish and no longer keep me from experiencing all life has to offer.

Present Freedom from the Past.........

I would like to say that this weekend was great and I was very happy with it, but I cannot. I am not going to write about what went on this weekend, but I will say that I wish forgetting to take my pill Thursday and screwing up my hormones was the only “troubling” event this weekend. I am attempting to not dwell on the past, even the “5 minutes ago past,” as dwelling on it will not change my present.

I did have some fun yesterday. Mom and I took the girls for a walk and along came Scrappy. (Well, his real name is Toby, but I think he looks like Scrappy Doo). Kayla was being a snob the first half of the walk to adequately display her disdain for the fact that Scraps came with us. Though he adores both my girls, she hates him and is constantly attacking him when he gets too close. He is an un-neutered male though and neither the girls, nor myself appreciate him mounting them. My Mom will not let Isis off the leash because she has a tendency to not listen and go romping through every muddy puddle and make multiple attempts at jumping into the dirty water surrounding the bogs and go for a mid-winter swim. I always let her off leash so she can join her friends in being a dog, but Mom is not real keen on muddy paws and wet, stinky dogs in her house. It took Toby a while to really loosen up since he is not used to being far from his home, once he did, it was all out wild-puppy time! Toby is half pitbull and quite athetic, he would leap the 4-5ft across the bog moats with ease. He bolted through every puddle; even going so far as to run back to one that Isis was near and (I swear) purposefully splashed her. Isis was pissed, she wanted to join him in this jaunt, but not with Mom around and besides, my chow-bella is not as young as she used to be. Mom made a point to say that he wasn’t nearly this excited when he went with her and Isis the day before, so I pointed out it may have to do with my “Yay, go Toby!” egging him on. He was having a great time though, and like I told Mom, “dogs will be dogs.” They are meant to run, play and get dirty. I had the best time watching him. There is nothing like the contagious enthusiasm of a young pup at play.

I cleaned my room yesterday, another positive that came from a negative. I dismantled the elliptical so as to bring it into the basement, I vacuumed, put clothes way, did laundry and (to make my Mom’s day) I dusted! Getting all that done has been on my list of things to do for quite awhile and it felt great when I was done. I still have to get rid of more clothes and do more dusting, but it’s a start. The closets alone will be a days worth. I am kind of hoping it snows a lot next weekend so I can work on my room and organization some more without thinking I should be outside doing something. I also would like to have my Star Wars weekend. I made the mistake of watching some of the last Star Wars movie on a television at Circuit City while waiting for someone and saw a bit too much. Now that I know the fate of some of the characters, I should just watch the entire group of movies and put my Star Wars curiosity to rest.

I realize that this blog is less than interesting, but it is my way of avoiding writing about any more “serious” thoughts, which could be wandering in my mind. I have come to a realization though; it is very disheartening when someone whom one deems special enough to be part of a turning point in one’s life, has to leave. I have had a few people in my life I wanted to experience these times with me, but they had to leave for their own reasons. Life goes on though and these losses cannot change who I am in negative way, as long as I continue to walk forward, one step at a time. I think the greatest gift in life is to have people around you who can take your hand and walk forward through life, enjoying each movement as it comes.

Hmmm……..

It is raining, I am cold and I can not stop playing with my hair. The extensiveness of my OCD, ADD and whatever other letters a shrink may come out with to describe me are running amuck. “Amuck”…is that a word?

I wrote a fairly spiffy blog in my head last night as I drove to and from the barn. I thought myself pretty profound in what I wanted to say…..and today, POOF, it’s gone. Profound! Haa, me? I am so silly sometimes. It is ok though, today is another day and what is meant to be written one day, is not always necessary to reconsider the next. If it is were at all important to my existence at the moment, I could pull it from the vault and get to typing.
I have a great sense of “eh” today. I started off a bit worried about some problems with the new car, but at the moment…eh, it’s going to the shop tonight, so might as well wait and see. I guess the “worry like a nutjob and freak myself out” portion of my brain is in sleep mode at the moment and I am just here. My Mom is wigging out enough at the moment for the both of us. Between being all pissed off about the Boston Globe releasing her credit card info thereby causing her to cancel her “favorite card” and her co-worker faking yet another illness so as to avoid working, she is all riled up. Mom needs to just say “eh, whatever”. Maybe this is the floating Michael was talking about, yet without the use of alcohol or drugs. I get my severe tendency toward worrying from my Mom, but am finding the avoidance of worry to be much easier on my mind. I am reading a book (actually listening to the CD’s of the author reading the book) and in it he discusses the concept of “just being”. When I sit quietly with my dogs, or watch the horses graze….then I can just be. It is that quiet peace that flows over me that makes those times so memorable. I used to have moments of peace all the time as a kid, but those were the days of no responsibility, no worry about bills, cars, friends, family…I was just the kid, leave the worrying to Mom. Well, she is still worrying, but now so am I. I am conscious of the problem though and I would prefer to change it. I watch myself worry and ramble and get upset and I just want to slap myself…”What is your issue? Calm yourself!” I am determined to learn to do so without even thinking about it. If I can take the floater part of me and merge it with the emotional wreck, then I think “peace” will come much easier.