The Foliage Awaits

I have decided that I need to go on a trip. Nothing long, as I have no money nor time off, but a weekend getaway. This time of year in New England is so lovely, I should get out and enjoy it. I was going to go up to New Hampshire, but then it occurred to me...I have somewhere I need to go. I am going to Upstate New York to see Lilac!

I miss that old horse, and I am sure she misses me. It will be sad to see her and have to leave again, but I could sure use a hug from my Beautiful Mare. I recently lost all the information on my computer, and my pictures of Miss Lilac were included in that loss. I was extremely upset to have lost all my photos and writings from the past few years, but I have decided that this is my push to forget about the past and make some new memories. I have never been to New York, and I am told the area in which Lilac now resides is "God's Country" and truely wonderful. I can not wait. It will be a long drive to make alone, but it will be nice to see the foliage and stop and take some nice shots. I have to wait until after my horse show, but I believe the following weekend, I am off.

Tired Eyes?

My eyes are swollen and dry, not because I am lacking in sleep, but because I once again cried myself to sleep. I guess my eyes are tired, tired of shedding so many tears, tired of being wiped or splashed with cold water. Another pair of contacts ruined....and why? Does it matter? I tried to explain why I was upset last night, but all anyone can say is that I should just get over what I can not change. So easily said, isn't it?

I have found that when the reasons for my upset seem to pile up, one thing on top of another, they almost negate each other...running into one large damaging time in life. Lately it seems each time I stand tall, ready to move on, I get smacked back down by some event. This is life, is it not? These feelings invade all of us at one time, varying in times and intensity. I would like to "just get over it" and move on, concentrate on the good, and just be happy with what I have. Maybe next week, but this week I am going to just concentrate on work, with the anger, bitterness and sadness festering inside. I have cut off most communications with my friends, if only to avoid the "how are you?" or "what have you been up to lately?". I prefer not to bullshit my way through that answer with short responses with no real information, nor do I want to share the truth. I am lonely right now, so I am choosing to be alone. I have endured ups and downs my entire life, this too shall pass.

Next week I will take the messages stating how good of a person I am or what an amazing asset I am to my company to heart. I will appreciate an old friend saying that an email from me brightened his day, I will be proud when my co-workers thank me for all my help. Not right now, not today, not this week....but soon, I have to believe in the future, as it comes sooner than one can expect, hopefully bringing positive change and room to grow.

Nothing

Because my weekend, beginning Saturday morning, has sucked huge buffalo balls, I have decided to spend the remainder of said weekend in bed. Why the hell not? It's my decision. I got up this morning, rode my lesson, cleaned my stalls and now I am done with my day. Maybe I should be exercising, walking the dog, paying bills, doing something important, but I am all set. Speaking to anyone is out of the question, as if they ask how I am or how my weekend was, I might be forced to go into a rant about how pissed off and disappointed I am with the whole thing. I don't want to talk about what I can not change. Past is past. My present is here, lying in my bed wearng nothing but some comfy cotton panties, watching stupid old movies and drinking my hot cocoa. Maybe in an hour or so I will change my mind, feel gung-ho and want to move my body, but for now I just want to be a lazy sack of shit.

Am I feeling sorry for myself? Fuck yeah...and it's my perogative.

Funny Huh?

I was told that I should write more amusing blog posts. My posts are "boring" and "depressing". I thought about it, I laugh a lot during the day, but as I do not have my computer in front of me at the time, I guess by the time I get home and sit down to write, the humor of the day has passed.

I saw something that made me smile and laugh out loud today. A man was driving down the road on a Harley Davidson motorcycle, with none other than an English Bulldog on the seat in front of him. The dog was large for an English Bulldog, with the distinguished blocky head and wrinkled body. He was laying over the gas tank, wearing a small vest, adorable little helmet and a perfectly fitting pair of shades for his eyes. I shit you not..this was truly one of the most classic scenes I have ever seen. If only I had my camera, I would have followed that man down the road in an attempt to snap the photo of a lifetime!

As I drove further down the road, still grinning from ear to ear about this amazing sight, I saw a bumper sticker that read "I have a perfect body. It's in my trunk and starting to smell." People are sick, but goddamn funny sometimes.

I love to laugh. The rush of adrenaline can, at times, take me over, and I have trouble stopping the bursts of laughter. I may not write the most amusing posts, but my blog is normally my place to release all the thoughts which I must hold inside throughout the day, allowing my laughter to be released for my friends to enjoy. I would like to sit and write about all the daily moments that cause me to giggle under my breath or outright burst into exuberant laughter, but they seem fleeting and due to my odd sense of humor, they seem to be just mine. I laugh at something that seems less than funny and people laugh at me for being such a goof. This odd sense of humor and ability to make others smile seems to be my lot in life...whether I am truly happy or just getting by for the sake of those around me.

We Shall See

I finally chose a book for the Book Club. I searched and searched and though I wanted someone to just say, "hey, you should read this one", it didn't happen. This choice was all mine. I chose "The Life of Pi" by Yann Martel. It seems odd, yet intriguing. A lot of my life lately is odd, yet intriguing, so I figured it would be the best choice. Just do it....right? I have told the other ladies my choice, we have a month to get back together and discuss the story. I have no idea how long this novel is, and being a rather slow reader, I better get cracking.

The first week back at work since my break has been a bit rough, but so far I haven't tossed anyone out of my office, broke into tears or stormed out. Tomorrow is the ultimate test. I will be alone most of the day and my coworkers tend to like to wait until the last minute for everything. I will be ok, just keep saying "serenity now....serenity now" and remember that I have a large network of friends I can call or email. In one sentence, these people can put a big, stupid grin on my face. I am lucky.

Life offers you a thousand chances ... all you have to do is take one.

I was just watching a movie, "Under the Tuscan Sun" and one of the actresses said something that struck me.

"One must try to live life spherically, in all directions. Never lose your childish enthusiam and life will eventually fall into place."

I have been trying to grasp the concept that nothing is a true coincidence, I must keep my eyes open to all the possibilities which are placed in front of me, and there is nothing wrong with my childish enthusiam.

I hope to giggle like a fool tomorrow....if not for me, for the person who brings that bit of joy my way.

Over Already

The week is over, hence so is my vacation. Retta is back home, and I am again left to my own devices. It was nice to have someone with whom to do things I normally would not. I wish that I had more exciting places to take my friend, but I am not much of a tour guide. I wish I was able to help her with some important decisions she needs to make. Though I did not have any great revelations about my life and where I would like to be headed, I did feel some of my inner power return.

We went to Newport, RI and walked along the ocean cliffs. I have always felt overwhelmed by the ocean, but the feeling I had this day was amazing. My body was filled with peace and excitement simultaneously as I watched the waves crash against the seashore. I was nearly overcome by emotion, shivers running throughout my body. Nature gave something to me that day that I have been craving for so very long....a sense of connection to the world around me. I felt the same as I walked around Boston. I am not a city person, but sometimes I can feel the intense energy which is exuded by such a busy and beautiful place. People rush around to get to their destinations, while others stop, watch and enjoy the sites which surround them.

Back to work tomorrow, back to the daily routines of life, but as I sit and think of what I have learned and come to understand in recent months, there is nothing truly routine. Life always has ways of throwing at least a small ripple of waves in what we sometimes believe to be the powerless, quiet stream of our existence. Though at times I have felt nearly swallowed up the rushing waters, I am still swimming....eyes wide open, sometimes paddling with all my might, sometimes simply floating along waiting for that next change in direction. No life raft needed, I am becoming a stronger swimmer by the day.

Suggestions Anyone?

I have found myself part of a book club. A friend invited me to read "The Celestine Prophecy" and come to a dinner to discuss the content. I met with four other women and we had a fantastic conversation, both about ourselves and the novel. It was a very enjoyable experience to hear the ideas of these women, two of them I had never before met. I am looking forward to meeting with them again, but I am responsible for choosing the next book...and I have no idea!

So, if anyone has a suggestion for something stimulating enough to read in one month, that we could discuss, please share your ideas. My friend Retta is flying in today to stay the week with me, so I am hoping she will have some ideas. I do not normally have much time for reading, so nothing is going to come to me anytime soon.

On a side note, I am so glad Retta is going to be here today. I could use a good friend to talk to about a lot of things. She is a great listener and has been there for me through a lot of bullshit in my life. I am hoping together, she and I can heal from our pasts and move on fully energized and ready to meet the the world with renewed enthusiasm.