Idle hands are the blogger's workshop....

I hate being bored at work as much as I hated being completely swamped. Here I sit, all the work I needed to do so far is done and now I have to wait on other people to give me something to work on. I am wasting time which could be better spent paying bills, walking my dogs, riding my horse, SLEEPING! I wish I still had rights to help my old group do their job because they are so busy, but nope, the trust does not run far in this company. I have supposedly taken that step into the "dark side" according to corporate and am just another sneaky field worker. Little do they know that I am still watching out for my friends at the plants and for my old co-workers....just trying to make everyone's life a little bit easier.

I am excited that today at 3:30 I begin my little 4-day weekend vacation. I am totally ready for some time off from here. It really is not about my job, just about being drained mentally and physically and needing some time to enjoy myself. Part of me would like to stay home and lounge around the house, but I can't do that...would be a waste of my valuable time off. I am going apple-picking and bike-riding. I love doing both and the weather is supposed to be gorgeous, so I am determined to have a great weekend and not worry about a thing. Of course, that is easier said than done, especially coming from a "worry-wart" like myself. I am certainly going to try though. :)

I must admit I am a bit concerned about my back acting up this weekend. The last time I went away, I came back crippled. I certainly do not want to suffer through anything like that again! I don't think it would happen...but alas, I am a worrier. (I get that from Mom...thanks Mom!) I am just so weak because of not exercising and trying to protect my back for so long. I need to just get over myself and go for it! I will never get better if I don't get strong and I can not get strong unless I work at it. Vicious circle isn't it? I definitely need to get back into some more strenuous exercises than what the chiropractor has given me and my barn work. I am going nutty without expelling some energy each day. I feel myself getting lazier by the day.

It's coming.......

As much as I tried to wish the summer to stay, it's here, Fall. :( It isn't that I do not like the Fall, it is a perfectly lovely season. The season which follows is what throws my mind and body into turmoil. I hate the winter, it always seems dark and the cold is not good to me. I know, stop whining, it's inevitable to go through the winter if one lives in New England, but it's my party and I will cry if I want to!

I think what I need is a hobby that isn't put on hold because of the winter season. I can not ride my horse in the dark or on frozen ground, so horses are nothing but work in the winter. It is not too much fun to go bike riding in the cold and just crazy in the snow. So what to do......

If I did not have to come to this "job" every day, I would have time during the daylight hours to do what I need to stay sane...but alas, have to work.

Feeling the need....

Now take your mind out of the gutter, I mean I feel the need to write. I am just unsure on what I want to say. I feel a bit in limbo at the moment, therefore I do not want to write anything until I have come through this "moment" in my life. I was thinking last night that life is like traveling down train tracks, coming to obstacles along to way and going through those dark tunnels. I hate those tunnels, but I try to remember that the tunnel always ends and gives way to light. When I broke my jaw 5 or so years ago, I told someone close to me that I felt like I was going through a dark tunnel and I hoped he would be there when I got through, but if not, I understood. People can not always wait for someone else to make their way through these times, there is so much uncertainty. But you know what he said..."I would like to go through the tunnel with you." I was so taken aback, so impressed, so happy to have someone in my life that cared so much. We can not always have someone to walk us through these "tunnels", sometimes one needs to get through them alone, but I like to believe that there will be someone waiting for me at the other end...cheering me on to reach the next phase in my life. Whether giant steps or baby steps, as long as I step forward, I know I will be ok.

When I take a look at my life right now, there is nothing happening that is so serious as to throw me into turmoil. There are so many people around the world who suffer every day, trying to survive circumstances which I could not even fathom. I try so hard not to be selfish and concentrate on my own problems, but I have come to accept that this is an inescapable human trait...we are selfish and self-centered. I believe part of growing is learning to push these traits aside and do our best to help those around us endure whatever hardships they might have to overcome. A very good friend of mine is going through a rough time in her marriage and I wish I could help her. I have never been married, so it is impossible for me to say I understand excactly what she is going through. She also has a son to worry about, a huge responsibility and it is up to her to try to make the best life for him until he can make one for himself. She is an amaazing woman for surviving some of the rough times that she has, and I am proud to know her. I would hope that I could be as strong. I have been through some rough times, but in hindsite it didn't take much perseverence to get through them. I just trudged along and somehow found my way. I think now, as I get older, I would like to put a lot more effort into life, rather than just get by. I hate just getting by, I want to feel like I succeeded at something important. I mastered the art of "getting by" when I was in school, just was lucky enough to get good grades with minimal effort. What am I going to try to succeed at now?? Well, no grand schemes as of yet...except just making a life that I can look back at and be proud of. I guess that is what everyone wants, so I am no different. The difference lies in how one goes about this goal. I think I will go about it with that air of defiance and silliness that I am so good at rolling together into my character. :)

I have the most amazing talent......

to open mouth and insert foot! One would think it wouldn't be easy with my size 10s, but alas, I am constantly doing it. The trouble is, I don't mean it and never am trying to hurt anyone, but for some reason my mind is not fast enough to stop my mouth from making such mistakes. I said something yesterday that really upset someone I care about. I had no idea what I had said and certainly did not want to cause a problem, but I guess I didn't think before I spoke. I am going to work on it though and especially avoid the insertion of both my feet into my mouth!

Innocence lost.....

I am terribly concerned for my 7yr old goddaughter and I feel like I need to help her. She is hurt and confused by what her dad has done to her Mom and now won't see him. I can understand why she would be upset, but I understand with the mind of an adult. Heather doesn't really understand why she is so angry or hurt, she just feels and doesn't know what to do about it. I get that way myself even now, so to be a 7yr old, it is so hard. The situation with Heather makes me think about my Dad and my feelings towards him. I feel anger and resentment, even today, after so many years. Part of me thinks it is wrong of me to feel this way, as he is my father and maybe he is remorseful for the pain he put our family through, but he hasn't shown any remorse, he isn't even around. Heather's dad is trying, but how can she express to him how she feels when she isn't sure herself what to say and there is nothing he can say to her to make it better. I want to ask my father why...why did you do that to Mom? Why did you betray her, why did you leave us, why weren't we good enough? Would I ask him these questions if I saw him again?? I don't really know. I don't think there is anything he can say to explain it away. I am angry that he left his children, that we aren't important to him, but I am most angry that he hurt my Mom. I think Heather sees the pain her mom is going through and in her mind doesn't want to betray her mom by forgiving her father. She can't understand why her Dad did what he did to her Mom...how could she? She is a child, with no understanding of adult relationships, therefore there is no way to tell her what reasoning was behind what happened. My Dad hurt my Mom so badly that she is still bitter today. I feel like I can never want to see or forgive him, as this would betray the person who loved me when he didn't, who made certain I was safe when he wasn't there. The pain is evident every time Mom thinks of him. She feels guilt for choosing such a lousy father, though it certainly isn't her fault. I take from my past a sense that I can not trust men, a fear even, that men will do nothing but hurt me. I try to erase this feeling from my mind, but after years of hearing this idea, of seeing the mistrust and anger emminating from my Mom, it is imbedded into me. I don't want Heather to become a bitter woman because of the mistakes of one man, even if he is her father. She needs to know that what happened to her parents had nothing at all to do with her or her siblings. It was a relationship between two adults, one that just didn't work.

Heather is the youngest of 3 children, as am I. Part of me always wondered if my birth was the beginning of the end of my parent's relationship, if my coming was just too much strain on my family. I know, most likely my Dad still would have cheated and my Mom still would have ended up hating him, but in the back of my mind that thought still lingers. I understand these thoughts that I have, why they are there, but still can not erase them. They are now part of me. Heather is a child, too young to understand even her own thoughts, so how do we keep them from becoming part of her? I wish I knew. I wish I could tell her it isn't her fault, Daddy messed up, but he loves his children. Mommy will be fine and she will always love you, even if you love your Daddy.....but this hasn't worked for anyone else, so it won't work for me. How do I get a stubborn little girl to break down and express what she is thinking and feeling? How do I help to keep her from erecting walls that will cave in on her in the future, to only give her more scars and cause even thicker walls to be formed?

Spam...not just a can o' lard.....

I was a bit perturbed this morning. I wrote a blog last night, and this morning did my normal check to see if anyone was interested enough to comment...and low and behold...2 comments! I was quite excited to read what opinions people may have had about my ideas and what do I find...SPAM! I guess it was niave of me to think that the normal internet foolishness couldn't invade my blog page, but I could not help but be disappointed and upset by it. But, no fear, there is a way to block these messages from invading my communications. Bless those who found a way, now when I see there are comments...they will be from real people who cared enough to read and express their thoughts on my writings.

I don't have much that I want to write about at the moment. Isis is sick and all I can concentrate on right now is how I can make her better. I made the mistake of telling someone that the one thing that could put me over the edge would be losing one of my girls, and now I feel as though I have cursed them. She cried to me this morning, she never cries to me. She is such a strong dog, but this morning she was not strong, she was frightened. I want her to be happy again, I want her to be well.

Haven't Blogged in a few.....

Certainly not because I have had nothing to write about. Trouble is, my only time to write was at work and now I actually have "work" to do. Damn them for ruining "my" time. :)

I have been thinking a lot about temptation as of late. Temptation is a powerful force in one's life. Humans, all animals, are faced with temptation every day, sometimes something as small as giving into a craving for food and sometimes it means giving into something far greater....an "evil" so to speak. The Bible contains many stories of temptation, but no worries, not a chance of me spewing out some Catholic rhetoric to convince anyone of their own wrongdoing.

The thought of temptation and how one can deal with it came to mind when someone told me he was thinking of completely removing a certain item from his life, so as to not submit to his desires for it. I don't believe this action is the best manner in which to go about solving a problem. Completely removing the attraction is taking away one's chance to be strong and resist. Resistance is not futile (to be a dorky Trekky and quote from a Borg episode). There is no way to completely "delete" all temptation from our lives, therefore disposing of even the smallest one is, in essence, admitting failure, admitting to being unable to stop oneself from doing something that is, in the end, detrimental to one's existence. I know, seems a bit dramatic, but think about it. Take a simple example; I don't want to eat candy for dietary reasons, but someone puts a bowl of it in front of me. If I wanted to take the easy road, I would remove the bowl of candy from my view, even going so far as to have someone hide it from me. Though this may seem as though I would be resisting, I would actually be hiding from the problem (or hiding it from myself). I would prefer to have enough restraint to have that candy right in front of me and still be able to say no. It can be so easy to give in to a weakness, but as I learn and grow I hope that I become stronger and know when it is time to push away that bowl of candy and maintain my self-control and in the end obtain a bit more self-respect.

Terrible Timing.....

Everytime I have communicable thoughts in my head, I am either not in front of a computer or too busy to start typing. I have had some great blogs floating around in my head, but alas, they are gone now. Not much stays up there these days, gets too crowded.

I don't have too much on my mind today. It is Friday, my favorite day of the week...though I keep thinking of all I have to do this weekend. I hate having to plan the weekend in my head and realize there is no time, nor energy for much fun lately. I am determined to clean up and organize my room and office though. I have been so ashamed of the mess I have made of my environment. I have cleaned up my work office somewhat, but now my own home is a wreck in need of organization. It reminds me of my mind, a cluttered mess, full of disarray. Time to get out the big trash bags and clean house...Literally and mentally!

A friend of mine found a farm for me in Maine that I would love to buy. Timing is never good. 5acres, 4 stall barn, cute house and not too much money...right near the ocean and the mountains. Oh well, I will find my home someday. Like the Shinedown Song, All I Ever Wanted, says, "all I ever wanted was a place to call my home, to shelter me when I am there and to miss me when I'm gone". I have an image in my head of my dream home. There aren't many details, but the feeling I get when I can see this wonderful place tells me that is home. I will have it someday. This home is on my list of "things to do before I die". I have accomplished a few items on that list, but I have a lot more to do. Hence why it is time to "clean house", have to toss out the old in order to make room for the new.

The Power of Nature....

I had a fantastic time this weekend. I went to Maine to see a friend. She lives in Freeport, and what a wonderful town. She walks her dog every day in a park that is right on the water...the ocean! Though I live only 1/2 hr from the ocean, I just don't get down to see it as often as I should. I knew I love the sea, but I didn't quite realize the amazing effect it has right down to my soul. To stand there on the rocks, watching the birds and looking out into the ocean, it occurred to me how amazingly beautiful nature is. I certainly was well aware of the immense wonderment of Nature, but I have not let myself become overwhelmed by it in so long, I had almost lost the wonderment I feel faced with it's true presense. The smell of the ocean, the feeling of the wind on my body, it almost erases the troubles within....even if just for a moment. I told my friends I swear I lost 10yrs, just felt younger being surrounded by such power. I just can not describe how happy I am to muck around in the marsh mud at low tide looking for special stones and shells. It is as though nothing can hurt me when I am protected by an almost untouched part of Nature. My friend is so lucky to have this experience every morning, I envy her more than she could know. Someday I will live close enough to ocean to walk out to a beach every morning and listen to the gulls call as they feed, to watch my dogs play in the waves, to watch one of Nature's most powerful assets.

Experience is.................

I am a huge fan of reading quotes. Some of the statements people make are just amazing. So I found a webpage of quotes and there are 3 that begin with "Experience is". These three quotes have a lot to do with some of what I have come to realize in the past few months or so.

"Experience is something you do not get until just after you need it.

"Experience is what causes a person to make new mistakes instead of old ones."

"Experience is what you get when you were expecting something else."

True though aren't they? These are all part of the irony of life I think.

I think the first quote has to do with how hind-site is always 20-20. Of course this is how one learns

The second quote is somewhat pessimistic, but neverless true. If anyone tries to say he or she doesn't make mistakes, it's a big pile o' manure! I am the queen of making mistakes, but I do my best to learn from them and figure out why I did what I did. I am not always successful on that particular endeavor, but I do try, and there is where the "experience" comes in.

For me, the third quote has to do with assumptions and expectations. Assumptions are dangerous things, especially when we hold on to them and rely on their coming about. The disappointment can very upsetting, but once it is all said and done the realization of why one was wrong can help explain a lot about a situation.

I have been working on this blog for a few days now, so the thoughts aren't all there...but hopefully it makes some sense. Maybe I will continue it later...