Hmmm……..

It is raining, I am cold and I can not stop playing with my hair. The extensiveness of my OCD, ADD and whatever other letters a shrink may come out with to describe me are running amuck. “Amuck”…is that a word?

I wrote a fairly spiffy blog in my head last night as I drove to and from the barn. I thought myself pretty profound in what I wanted to say…..and today, POOF, it’s gone. Profound! Haa, me? I am so silly sometimes. It is ok though, today is another day and what is meant to be written one day, is not always necessary to reconsider the next. If it is were at all important to my existence at the moment, I could pull it from the vault and get to typing.
I have a great sense of “eh” today. I started off a bit worried about some problems with the new car, but at the moment…eh, it’s going to the shop tonight, so might as well wait and see. I guess the “worry like a nutjob and freak myself out” portion of my brain is in sleep mode at the moment and I am just here. My Mom is wigging out enough at the moment for the both of us. Between being all pissed off about the Boston Globe releasing her credit card info thereby causing her to cancel her “favorite card” and her co-worker faking yet another illness so as to avoid working, she is all riled up. Mom needs to just say “eh, whatever”. Maybe this is the floating Michael was talking about, yet without the use of alcohol or drugs. I get my severe tendency toward worrying from my Mom, but am finding the avoidance of worry to be much easier on my mind. I am reading a book (actually listening to the CD’s of the author reading the book) and in it he discusses the concept of “just being”. When I sit quietly with my dogs, or watch the horses graze….then I can just be. It is that quiet peace that flows over me that makes those times so memorable. I used to have moments of peace all the time as a kid, but those were the days of no responsibility, no worry about bills, cars, friends, family…I was just the kid, leave the worrying to Mom. Well, she is still worrying, but now so am I. I am conscious of the problem though and I would prefer to change it. I watch myself worry and ramble and get upset and I just want to slap myself…”What is your issue? Calm yourself!” I am determined to learn to do so without even thinking about it. If I can take the floater part of me and merge it with the emotional wreck, then I think “peace” will come much easier.