Blogged Down………

I have more to blog about that I can even fathom at the moment. I contemplated writing more than one blog…one topic at a time, but I figure condensing them all into one monster blog will suit my needs just fine.

So, let’s see, where to start…. I haven’t blogged in a bit, been quite busy at work (which seems to be my preferred time to write). Actually, I was close to deciding to not write my blogs any longer. I find that my friends read them and assume I am writing about that one person and feelings are hurt. I write for my general benefit. My writings are not about one person, each entry is really about me. One of my friends suggested a private journal, but I write on “Blogger” so as to get feedback from both my friends, and from people I otherwise would not know. I want to learn, not only about myself, but about other people and how they think. I do not mean, nor desire to upset anyone. I need to write, therefore I will continue. For anyone who is taken aback, or personally offended by my writings, I am wholeheartedly sorry and can only say that I love my friends and if I gave someone the link to read my blog, then that person is important to me and I value him or her very much.

I was not a happy camper last week at work, one of my co-workers tried to trick me into doing something that I was taught is totally wrong and I was bullshit. I left corporate for many reasons, one of which was to get away from the lying sales force with which I had to deal. I promised the group I left that I would not become one of those customer service reps who lies to them to get waste approved for shipment for the lowest cost possible, even if it was dangerous or illegal. I won’t do it, money isn’t that important to me. I am determined never to make my work about the “mighty dollar”. My integrity must remain intact. My co-worker apologized for trying to railroad me, but I am now on guard and that is not good for our relationship.

My Mom sent me an email that blasted me out of the water last week. She implied that my sister would most likely be moving back home, and will be bringing her dog and cat. The mere thought of such an event throws my mind into a tailspin. Not only do I have a very hard time dealing with my sister because of her emotional issues and her extensive selfish ways of being, but her dog drives me insane and no way do I want another cat in the house. I love animals, but I can not pet Claudia without her urinating on my carpeting and my two dogs, who are both over 10yrs, dislike this annoying animal immensely and I fear Kayla may deem it necessary to cause severe harm to said cockapoo (cocker spaniel/poodle cross). My cat is 16 yrs old, and not the nicest old man in town, so bringing a kitten into his life will not go over well. I do not want my animals upset anymore than I want my Mother or myself upset. The intense disruption to all our lives that will come to being if my sister returns home is incomprehensible. I love my Mom, I understand why she can not turn my sister away, but where are the guidelines, the rules, the recognition of the other living beings in the house? My sister will come home in a severely distraught mental state because of her “piece of shit” boyfriend, she will be broke and have no job and will refuse to contribute to the costs of living in our home. Like I told my cousin, I feel like I am up the ole creek, not only without my paddles, but the boat has sprung a leak. I will need the patience of the Buddha on sedatives to deal with this latest drama.

On a more positive note, in order to further my latest “monetary diet”, I sold my truck. and bought a Toyota Matrix. I loved my truck, first new vehicle I ever owned, but the gas alone was draining my bank account faster then a Thoroughbred drains it’s bladder after a long race. I have now joined the ranks of not only car owners, but….dare I say it…..station wagon owners! As much as I tried to deny the fact that my little car is a station wagon, it is a fact that I must get used to and enjoy. I will be able to fit plenty of my horse supplies in the back of this car, it has AMAZING storage capacity. It also has a sporty side with the sunroof, 6-cd changer and funky chrome trim inside. I was looking to buy a more sporty car, the Scion TC, but as was pointed out to me, the gas mileage would not have increased by much and I would be just as broke, but be cruisin’ around in a cool ride. :) A car salesman almost pressured me into the TC, but I was uncomfortable and after being asked over and over again if I would commit to buy, I said I wasn’t sure and that was that, so I left. I hate being pressured, the more I am pushed, the less apt I am to act. So, I no longer drive my beefy truck, nor do I have the “zoom zoom” of a race car, but I have my gas mileage and my storage, so I am happy.

There are just some of the latest "issues" that are nibbling at my brain. I wonder, maybe my bit of senility that drives people nuts is simply due to the surplus of prospective writings in my head. I think I need a secretary up there taking shorthand and filing all this junk for later review, thereby leaving space for all the minute details of life I seem to let slide into the abyss of forgetfulness.

AHHHHHH,

So I am sitting at work (nothing to do as usual) wondering how to word a blog I need to write. The subject; the flood of negativity eminating from everyone. As I sit trying to figure out if it is all in my head or if something is in the water, I put in, of all choices, a Blues CD. Not quite the best choice to bring about positive thoughts, but hell, might as well go with it. I seem to be going through one of those confused states I am so used to and I hope that sitting and writing what pops into my head will help me figure out what the hell is going on. (So if my blog wanders in topic...well...)

Big B, the bossman, pointed out I have been very quiet lately. I guess I am just in a state of reflection. I told him I was just tired, which is true, I am tired. I am too tired, sick of it. I think I could sleep all day and still feel like this. I also took some cold medicine this morning, tried to blame a cold on my "stuffy head" feeling, but the Dayquil would take care of that. Normally I would just say it is time for a vacation, but I have come to realize that time off from work is not the remedy. The trouble with my current job is that I am left with far too much time to dwell on the day. The trouble with how I am feeling now, is that it really does not have anything to do with me. I am a bit bummed about my lack of funds lately and am bugged at the fact that there is not enough free time to get everything done, but in the end...what else is new? I am worried about my friends and family. I can feel such sadness and/or frustration from them, whether in person or in email or blog form. Along with wanting to be there for them all, I also want to just hide and be left alone. For example, I found I have double-booked my time on a couple days coming up, but would rather not do anything. So now I have to cancel plans with one or two people in order to adhere to a promise to someone else. I hate disappointing people, I hate saying no......one of my "issues". It is hard to be antisocial when one has the need to be helpful at the same time. My own version of multiple personalities I suppose.

D sent me an interesting quote in email, I am hoping it is a turn toward optimism for her in the quest to get into graduate school. I think it is a great quote, so here goes,

"Nothing in this world can take the place of persistence. Talent will not; nothing is more common than unsuccessful men with talent. Genius will not; unrewarded genius is almost a proverb. Education will not; the world is full of educated derelicts. Persistence and determination alone are omnipotent. The slogan 'press on' has solved and always will solve the problems of the human race.' -- Calvin Coolidge"

I have come to realize that my blogging is my form of persistence. I am determined to learn more about myself and about people in general. Humans are so complicated, I think it could be our downfall. We are constantly questioning ourselves, our decisions, our feelings. How many people do we really know who can honestly say they trust themselves? I find that concept amazing, and quite sad. We are so bombarded with the thoughts and opinions of those around us, the ability to sort out what one truely believes for oneself is smothered.

Like I tell Beth when she starts talking about the latest gossip in her town...."so much drama."

Another profession crossed off the list......

I discovered this weekend that I will never be a professional bowler. Not that it was ever a dream of mine, but it was good to have the option. It certainly isn't the first profession I have had to throw in the ole hat on...for instance, any thoughts I could have had for being a hand model were dashed by the manicurist who told me my nails look like I smashed them all in a door....twice! Saturday night, I was far from a professional, more like Queen of the Gutter Ball. There were little girls, weighing only slightly more than their bowling balls, tossing them down the lane and hitting more pins than I could seemingly dream to touch. I tried tossing it, I tried the wrist twist to spin the ball, I tried slowing rolling the ball, but alas, the gutter on the right was like a magnet for the future gutterball champion of the world.

Well, despite the large number of "walks of shame" I had to endure, I still had a great time. I suck at bowling, I am ok with that. I almost perfected my "ooo, ooo, I hit something" dance. Besides which, I am still holding out to be a professional seaplane pilot...now just have to get my license and a plane and a seaside spot to fly from.....

:)

One more....

My pal Nicky decided to remind me that this is my last year in my 20s, I am turning 29 on Friday. The whole last year in the twenties concept hadn't quite occurred to me until good ole Nicky had to point it out and now I am kind of bummed out. When I turned 25 I thought....quarter of a century old....ouch! But now no more twenty-something. I always thought of 20s as still young, still a kid.....so one more year of being a "girl". I best make the most of it, because if I have to be a mature adult by the time I am 30, there aren't enough months in one year!

Did you ever notice that the older you get, the more people ask you how it feels or if you are upset about it? When the question comes from younger people, it is just their way of ragging on you and making themselves feel better about being younger, but when it comes from the older friends, then it stings. "Oh wow, 29 huh? I hated turning 29...and then 30, damn...well, actually 40 will be worse." Geez, thanks for the comforting thoughts, now I can really look forward to my birthday. :(

Birthdays should be for the moms, I think. January 20th is the day I decided I had had enough of being a parasite and knocked on my Mom's cervix asking, no wait...demanding to be let out. (By the way, the "parasite" phrase came from my Mom, who stated, that is exactly what babies are while in the womb...she loves me so. hee hee). I was then kind enough to cause a flash flood and some major pain, all before deciding to scare Mom by keeping my yap shut upon birth and being completely yellow. After all that excitement, I guess I had nothing to say. Besides, I am an observer, so I was most likely attempting to take in the sites and figure out what the hell was going on. Poor Mom, she thought for sure I was dead, but after that bozo doctor slapped my adorable tookus, out came a screech and here I was, in all my glory. Sometimes I would like to go back in....much easier to just "float" while in the uterus. Not a care in the world, now those were the days. But anyway, as I was saying....after 9 months of carrying me around and then having to dismember her lower half by popping my big old head through, I think my Mom deserves the cake and icecream each year. I will of course have a slice, continue to whine about being old, and expect atleast one good gift. :)

No false promises....

I was standing in the conference room heating my usual lunch (pitabread and soy cheese), whistling one of my favorite tunes......"If I only had a Brain". For those who are unsure if they know it, it is the clever little ditty sung by the Scarecrow from The Wizard of Oz, a true classic in movie making. BF, the bossman, asked if I was really whistling the Wizard of Oz song (in a tone he tends to use with me...kind of like he wants to come out and say..."you are soo weird"). I never told them I was "normal" and it has been quite a few months, his shock at my lack of normalcy should be gone by now. I guess it goes along the same lines as G saying, "I can't believe you just said that." I mean, after almost 2 years, it should be accepted that one never knows what odd/shocking phrases will come out of my mouth. :)

My mom is used to it, though she can be just as bad. She will say something totally whacked out and nearly fall over laughing at herself, it is quite funny to see. There was the time she and I thought of about 50 nicknames (like Biminy-Cricket and Kimbo-Bimbo) for my sister and wrote them on her brown lunch bag. Kim wasn't happy and threw it out, but Mom and I still laugh about it today. There was also the time we put our "sloppy-joe" or Manwich mix into tortilla wraps and she called them "Sloppy Joses". The tears were streaming down both our faces laughing over that one. I will never forget the night she was in a bad mood, so I got my cassette of Tina Turner's "What's Love Got to Do With It" album and went into her bedroom to perform my rendition of what a TT concert would be....the whole tape. Mom sat and watched, slight smirk on her face, and shook her head as I bowed and wandered off to bed. I am not sure who I amused more that night, myself or Mom. G thinks I do and say crazy things to make myself laugh, but really it comes natural and cracking myself up is just a bonus.

The "you're a freak" looks from people used to stifle me, but I am now happy to say that I am a freak, a dork, a goof, and I am ok with that. :)

A need for love....

I was talking to someone briefly tonight about the "importance" of love in a human's life. He said it is not an integral part of human life, and seems to believe it is just a side bar with no real benefit to one's existence. (As we didn't finish the conversation, I can not say for sure.) I disagree. Humans are meant to love. How many songs can you name that are NOT about loving someone or losing someone? I do not know anyone who can really control their heart enough to push love aside and go through life considering it a side note. There are so many other issues in human life that consume our minds, but I think the point of having loved ones around us is to reign in the insanity. It is important to have people who will look at you and say "it will be ok, because I am still here." The trouble is having the control to push our own "insanity" aside and just be there, sometimes it is so hard. Humans are stubborn and selfish, but some of us do try. I think I have to try harder.

"The human heart feels things the eyes cannot see, and knows what the mind cannot understand." - Robert Vallett

When times are hard, my mind flashes back to memories like racing through a parking lot in the pouring rain, having a snowball tossed into my car and amazingly landing down my shirt, laughing hysterically about a fart which nearly caused us to pull over the car, shopping for a dress that was acceptable for a girl who feels naked in dresses (and still has yet to wear), and shoes being tossed down a flight of stairs. I remember times when I smiled so much it hurt. I think one's heart is responsible for shining the light on those thoughts, darkening the negative ones. When I am upset with someone, I try to force myself to remember "bad times," but in the end my heart always wins over my mind and I smile at the richest times in life, times with someone I love.

.......................

I fought with someone I love very much tonight and I left angrier than I have been in a long time. I then had my brakes go haywire (as they tend to do in the rain) and slid thru an intersection, nearly getting creamed by a larger truck. My anger was then accompanied by extreme fear.

I was lucky tonight. Not only did I manage to avoid getting into an accident (probably caused by my own stupidity), but I calmed my anger much easier than I thought I ever could. I hate being angry, I hate losing my temper. I have a terrible temper, and it can be difficult to calm myself. In the past, the worst thing I could do when extremely upset, was to go see my horses because they sense my high emotions and react against it (normally making it worse). Tonight I decided to just sit and watch them, keeping a respectful distance. I watched Capall eat her hay and as my rage subsided, she began to acknowledge my presence and eventually came over to greet me. She will not come to me when I am upset, she is as sensitive as I am and will avoid me. It felt good to have her rub her head on me (even if she was just using me as her personal scratching post). I then noticed Moxie, he was pawing his stall and circling with a look of distress. I checked his stall and the bedding was quite low. I went and got a bag of shavings and put them in the middle of his stall, where he proceeded to roll around (itching himself). When he was done, he came to me, and made a gesture I can only interpret as thanks.

For once, I let them quiet me. Carol always says, "it is amazing what the outside of a horse can do for the inside of a human". This statement is true and I realized that more than ever this evening....so I am thankful.

?????

I feel like I have something to say, something to talk about.....I just don't know what. My friend Retta asked me a question that got me thinking, maybe it's that. I am tired, been very tired all the time recently. I feel like my mind just can't keep up. Even as I say or do things, my mind "watches and listens" and I wonder what the hell is going on. Sometimes I would just like to yell "STOP, JUST STOP!" I am a dumbass, just like everyone else.

Part of me feels like I am missing something, and it is right in front of me. I think there is just too much on my mind, too much I think I should be doing. All the clutter leaves places for thoughts to hide. If I could control my thoughts, sort them into neat packages, maybe I would not be so confused, so forgetful, so aggravated with myself. The human brain is a magnificent entity, I wonder if we will ever tap into all of it and understand.

I would like to understand.

Dumbasses.......

This is one of my new favorite words, probably from watching That 70s Show every night while on my treadmill. Red Forman must say that word 20x in one episode. :) So many people I come across each day seem to fit this description. KC sent me one of those cute little friendship emails, "as I've matured, I learned....... that no matter how much I care, some people are just jackasses." Of all the quotes in this email, this one struck me the most. Why is this statement so true?

Now, before anyone I know reads this blog and gets insulted, this is a general statement about people. I know not everyone falls into this category, but it appears to me, more do than seems fair. I am not always the nicest person, but I do try not to hurt or upset anyone else in my travels through life. Like the old saying goes, "do unto others as you would have done to you." So, as I drive around, I try to let people go who need to pull in or out of a parking lot or street, at work I try to do my job to the best of my ability without bothering anyone around me and at home I just want to do my own thing and be left alone. The trouble is, the same person I would have let out of a side street 3 miles back, will slow down to an almost stop, no turn signal, and take a left, while having his or her vehicle in the middle of the road, so the line of traffic behind them can not pass by. At work, no matter how much work I do, there is the chatter behind my back that I do not do anything and barely work because I leave at 3:30pm. At home, I know my family discusses me when I am not around, they make comments about what I MIGHT be doing with my time away from home. Guess what...it's none of your business! :P

I think people can't adhere to the "do unto others" concept because they are consumed with hypocrisy. We all want others to be kind and respectful to us, but if it takes a bit of time or patience to do the same to someone else, it is not worth it. People are nuts, too many loose screws out there, too many lost marbles rolling about. How about each of us help out, maybe get the philips out and tighten someone's unreachable screw or return a marble to it's owner? Just a thought......

Dreamers........

D and I were chatting last night. She is applying to different graduate schools and is quite nervous about the whole situation. I keep telling her how great she is, I know she can do it. A lot of time has gone by since we left college, but isn't jumping back into Academia like riding a bike? I hope so, I would like to go back someday. I asked her, if she could go back to her first day at Suffolk University, what would she change about her life? She would take everything less seriously, but do more in her area of study. I would have done more in school, but other than that, I would not want to lose out on anything I have experienced since then, even the tough times.

So, I never explained why my nickname is Pita or Pitadork. My friend Josh named me Pita (pain in the ass) because I used to give him crap at work. It seems to have stuck. I guess I am a bit of a pita, my Mom would agree. I have a lot on my mind, I am a busy thinker and want to do so much, can get annoying to others. I also do enjoy giving people crap, but it's all in good fun. If I don't give someone a hard time, I most likely do not like or feel comfortable with that person.

As for being a "dork"....that's a bit more complicated. According to Wester, the definition of dork is "A stupid, inept, or foolish person". Those words do not define me. I thought about when I am most called a dork (usually by the same person) and I figured out it is when I am happy and being a goof, when my optimism is at its full force. I am a dreamer, I am a goofball, I like to be happy and revel in those good feelings. If my giggling, big grin and skip in my step make me a dork...then I plea Guilty as Charged! I have tried in the past to be cautiously optimistic about certain aspects of my life, but I find that if I don't enjoy goodtimes to my fullest extent, then I feel as though I have missed out when it is over. Sometimes "throwing caution to the wind" is necessary to fully envelope oneself with joy and remind oneself that not every day is a loss to work and stress. I take on a lot of responsibility during the day, so if I want to push it aside and jump up and down in the rain singing Christmas Carols in July....then kudos to me and anyone who will take off their shoes and join me.

Here's to all the "dorks" out there: Let optimism, imagination, dreams and the goodtimes prevail!

I wanna float!

I was talking to a good friend of mine, he is an odd duck, but great for a laugh and very intelligent. I asked him what he did for New Years, he said he "actually I just didn't feel like dealing with reality for a few days so I ignored everything and sort of floated around". How does one "float"? Per Michael, "no food, lots of alcohol, about 3.5 hours of sleep- you will be there... its really hazy but you will know your actually floating because you feel nothing- not even guilt." Sounds good to me, though I am not sure I am capable of not eating, nor drinking that much without sleep. Haa haa. Like I told Michael, I could fall sleep right now if I let myself.

I decided the best course of action was "to go on vacation, drink myself silly and just goof off to the best of my ability." Ok, maybe the drinking isn't necessary, but a few beach parties never hurt. I would need at least two weeks off though, one weeks worth of goofing and one of exploring. I love going to new places and would HAVE TO explore as much of the environment as I possibly could. I will take my sunny vacation sometime soon. Why wait? I have wanted to go on a "fun-in-the-sun" vacation for a long time....time is flying by.

Now....where to go?? I need suggestions.