Nothing to Say

I do not think I will be writing much for a bit. Recent events have left me in a state of confusion, disgust and dismay. I have some new distractions in my life to which I am going to try to adjust and until I have something positive to write, I am going to work on healing.

I Wonder

The past two days, I have either been depressed over the untimely loss of a good friend or utterly confused at where I am or what I want. I sit here each night wondering "what the hell has happened?". I am not where I want to be, I am not where I would have believed I would find myself. I am angry, I am sad, I am absent.

Losing Nicky has shown me that life is short, so why the fuck do I waste it worrying about the day to day bullshit? I want things, but I sit and I wait for them to come to me. I read once that if one wants something bad enough, the Universe will make it so. I have seen that idea to be true, but why wait? Why do I not just get up and make it happen for myself, rather than taking bits and pieces at a time until the puzzle is complete?

My self-esteem, my emotions, my thoughts are shattered.....Both by the loss of my friend and by the recognition that as much as I hate change and repel it with all my might, it happens. I have always believed that I wanted to live in a remote area, the woods, or by the beach where my nearest neighbor was at least 5 miles away. The other night, while watching some silly movie which took place in New York City, I actually had the thought that I might like to live in the big city. I might enjoy living in an apartment in the middle of a large city; a place from where I could walk to all my destinations and encounter an exorbitant amount of people and events. As much as the actions of most Humans annoy me, I do enjoy people watching. Does my new sense of confusion give me this need to "learn" from observing others? The mere thought of myself in the city sent shock waves throughout my body. Who thought that? How could something I have been against for so long suddenly appear appealing?

Again....left confused and needing answers. Will they come? Only time will tell.....

I Do Not Understand

Nicky passed away tonight. I have never felt more pain throughout my entire body. He believed in God, Nicky was a good person. I will never believe. I will never understand.......

Beginnings

Life's a changin'. I have decided to take advantage of some recent changes in my life to make it better. I bought myself a present. I never spend money on myself, except when someone else is involved or it's a necessity. Well, I decided that though a new notebook computer isn't a "necessity", I believe it will aid in my new wave of inspiration. I am going to start my own business in the next year. My job is ok, but it is not for me. I was offered a new position at my company, one where I would be in complete control of my day, but I would rather not start something new when I plan on leaving the company completely in the next year or so. I will say, that with each job change I make in the company, I am solicited by the new manager. It is against company policy to solicit a current employee for a new job opening, but each job has come to me in that "illegal" manner. I guess I should be honored to be so well respected as an employee, all the while trying to fly under the radar.

My notebook will travel with me. I will write my thoughts, plan my days and enjoy new motivation. I am excited. I will not let the money go to waste, so I know it will be used and used wisely.....though I now have to quiet the checkbook for a bit to make up some loss.

My horse and I are doing quite well too. We jumped in our lesson last week. I have never been one for jumping, especially after seeing so many people crash in their own soaring endeavors. Capall has never jumped either, but she trusts me and jumped the vertical, even with my trepidation. Two years ago, I thought about selling this horse. I am glad I stuck with her and had a great trainer who loves us both enough to be confident we could do it. I am still working on my confidence in my horse, but mostly my confidence in myself. We will be going to a show at the end of this summer, and no matter how it goes, we will leave there with our heads held high.

Some old friends have reappeared in my life, and I am happy about that. It is good to know I am remembered and still loved after a long absence. I have a lot of friends that care for me, and though many of them are too far away to see even monthly, I know they would be on the next plane if I asked. I have also found myself with some new friends, people who I never quite expected to be part of my life. They are on a mission to make me happy.....and part of the mission includes making a friend of their's happy. We shall see, as we are both stubborn and shy, but just watching people's plots unwind is enough amusement for me.

Last week I was very down. There are a lot of tragic events happening in my life now, but though there is a lot of sadness in me, I need to keep going and keep learning. I looked in the mirror last week and saw someone from years ago, someone who was over-weight and lacking in any self-esteem. I felt like I had failed at so much and things were only getting worse. I have not failed anything. I have accomplished so many things in my life, even in the past few years. I have learned a lot about myself and I am happy with who I am. I am fit, I am healthy and I am beautiful. People like me, and I am going to learn to like me too.

I saw something wonderful the other night. Though it was a sunset, it brought some awakening to me. Enjoy.

Nature Walk?

10AM on a Saturday morning and thankfully, though I woke up later than I wanted, I did get some important errands done. The oil is changed in my car. I had an 8am appointment at the Toyota dealer, and knowing it would be a bit, I decided to go for a walk. As I strolled down a newly build road into an "industrial park", I was impressed at how well the roadway was landscaped, almost hiding the fact that it leads to office building after office building and a bunch of large warehouses. I caught myself thinking what a nice looking area this was, when I remembered what was there, a forest....Nature. It is too bad we lose so much woodlands. I was walking in a park last weekend, and on a stone bench was a quote about the calming, peaceful nature of the wood. I can not recall the exact quote, but it was a lovely reminder. Continuing on my walk, I thought that the landscapers should have planted fruit trees, add to the attempt to make this "park" as welcoming as possible, and I came upon crabapple trees. I am glad they had thought of it, nice to see some variation.

Speaking of crabapples, I swear the horse-fly that appeared each time I decided to shorten my stride and stroll slowly along, was in alliance with my Cranky Chiropractor. As this annoying insect buzzed past my ear, chasing me down the road, I could hear Dr. Groucho singing his little ditty about my lack of an ass. He has not seen me lately, my toosh and back are better (as long as I do not stress and throw it out of alignment). You know, he didn't have much of an ass either. I guess he makes up for lacking in his backside by being a total Ass instead. Oh well, he did help me by motivating me to work (pardon the expression) my ass off to get stronger in my lower back. I still need to get on my treadmill this morning, but it is already almost 90F outside with enough humidity to make the skyline frighteningly hazy. The heat was one of the reasons I did not want to hustle on my walk, as I was wearing jeans because my oversleeping caused me to not have time to shave my legs this morning. No one needs to see that. Haaa.

Anyway, I have a lot of things to do today. I am helping someone find a horse for a friend and possibly sell a horse. I do love looking at different horses, and especially when I am not the one who will be spending the money. These people have limited funds to spend, so it makes it all the more challenging to find something for little or no money that does not have one or two hooves in the grave. Time to attempt that 3 mile run and get ready for the rest of my day.

Daily Buddhist Wisdom

I received an email from someone today that enclosed an interesting quote. This person would not normally send me something with out an explanation, but all I received was the quote. I am assumming I am being told this quote pertains to me and my life as I see it. I agree...

"It is a defect in language that words suggest permanent realities and people do not see through this deception. But mere words cannot create reality. Thus people speak of a final goal and believe it is real, but it is a form of words and the goal as such is without substance. The one who realizes the emptiness of objects and concepts does not depend on words. Perfect wisdom is beyond definition, and pathlessness is the way to it.The wise one treads this path for the direct realization of impermanence and for the direct realization of understanding. This, then, is perfect wisdom. Such a one should tread this path knowing that attachment and attractions are neither good nor harmful, even enlightenment is neither good nor harmful, because perfect wisdom is not meant to promote good or harm for that person. However, even though there is no intention of good or harm, it does confer endless blessing."-Prajnaparamita

Ding-A-Ling

This was my nickname as a kid, kindly prescribed by my dear Mom. Today I was referred to as a "Dingbat". I have heard that before too. I guess I can be somewhat ditzy, the more I have on my mind, the less apt I am to concentrate on one thing and I become very forgetful and lazy in my communication. I am the worst with people I know, my emails have run-on sentences, nearly made-up words and strange topics. I just figure that if someone knows me, they should be able to interpret what I am saying. My online instant messages are the worst. I avoid typing full words as best I can. I do not know why I am like this, apart from sheer laziness or being in a hurried state. I can not physically write anymore, my penmanship is terrible due to so many years at a keyboard.

I have a friend who refers to me as "the dumbest smart person he knows." Depending on the situation, that comment either irritates me or makes me laugh. I know when I am being a ditz, sometimes (more often than not, oddly enough) I am doing it on purpose. The comment irritates me when it is about something that I know about, something common sense to me, but not to another. I think the phrase "common sense" is deceiving. I have found what seems to make perfect sense to one person, makes absolutely no sense to another. I am not dumb, my mind wanders..a bit of ADD. If I choose to focus, I am all there. Sometimes I just do not want to, I do not want to take everything so seriously. I want to get the job done, but play while I am doing it. I guess that concept can be hard to take for some. I do have to try at work to be more "proper" in my wording when writing to other employees. People take their jobs seriously, they want to understand and get it done. This ideal I can comprehend, as I take pride in doing my job well and helping out as much as I can. As far as outside of work....all work and no play make the Dingbat a very cranky girl.

I went to lunch today, craving some sushi and needing some ingredients for a recipe for dinner (made up in my head, by the way), and as I pull away from work, the sense of being completely alone struck me. I can not say it was a sadness or loneliness, but I just felt like there was not another soul around me. I have been feeling lonely as of late, and have therefore decided to be alone. I have not sought out any companionship, just going about my normal routine. I shut my phone off as well. I did not shut it off because I did not want to talk to anyone in particular, I shut it off because I was afraid that if someone called and genuinely asked how I was doing, I would actually tell them. Frankly, you don't want to know. When I can get up and leave the house without a sense of dread, then I will turn my phone back on and be ready to chat.

Not Alone

A very good friend of mine sent me a letter she received from another friend of hers. He is someone that she did not get along with at first, but as they got to know each other and learned some new ways of thinking via a book club, she considers him to be a great person. My friend sent me this letter because it is very inspirational and make great sense. It is especially pertinent to me now, I found out Nicky is back in Intensive Care after some more surgery. I am worried, my optimism waining. I need to accept that though I am upset about Nicky, my life must go on and it is ok for it to do so. Someday I hope to have the clarity that this man has found.

Hi Everyone,

All of you know at least some of the events of my past year, with the rescuing, enmeshment, and my mid life crisis.

I just received an e-mail from one of my new clients, that she is pregnant from an in vitro procedure. I also found out last week that one of my most trusted and oldest friends is moving. Both are important life events, one a new beginning, the other an ending.

How these events are related is that I have finally realized that I can care and be happy or sad about both events. It is just how I feel. How I feel doesn't have to dictate what I do. I can maintain a healthy detachment, to anyone in my life, no matter how important they are or how much I care about them. I don't have to interfere or get "sucked in", yet I can still invest a great deal of energy in the people I am working with and the work I am doing. I can enjoy the work, my life, the connection to people and their lives, yet still stay separate and allow them to make their own way, and allow myself to make my own way.

This is something I have "known" for some time, but knowing and doing and being are not the same thing.

I have spent so much of my life trying to solve other's problems, you have no idea what a relief this is to me.

The important lessons have to be learned several times before you can move on to the next.

Priorities

As I sat in the field while my horse grazed, I watched the clouds roll swiftly by and recalled the days events, most of which were negative. Tonight, all the frivolous upsets I let get to me today were brought to a screeching halt by news I guess I knew was coming, but that I prayed would be postponed indefinitely. My Lilac Domino is leaving.

Lilac is the 28 year old Thoroughbred mare that I have been entrusted to care for during the past three years. I took an old, rail thin, unhappy horse and helped her to become a vibrant, healthy, young-feeling friend. I went right to my dear friend for a hug tonight, thinking the foolishness of this day was what mattered. It didn't, it doesn't....what matters is Lilac. She and I have bonded closer together than I have with any other horse I have known. In about two weeks, a trailer will come and take her away. I will not ever see her again. Her owner is moving her to Upstate New York, thinking it will save some money. Lilac won't have someone to wash her cuts, wrap her legs or give her some much needed bathes. She will be roughed out and only brought in to have her feet trimmed.

My heart is broken. Not only is something I love dearly leaving, she is going to a place where no one will call her Beautiful, where no one will greet her first, before all others. This is not the change I was seeking.......

I Need Out!

This is the picture I have chosen to keep as my desktop at work for the past few weeks. I stare at it and wonder where the track might lead. The thought of just walking toward that moon is overwhelming these days. I need a new route to follow, and being me, I would like it to be "off the beaten path."

Part of my trouble lately, is that I have not adhered to my own remedy for mental stability. I promised myself that I would regularly visit the ocean or the mountains, as they bring me serenity. I have not done so and I am regretting letting go of that outlet. As "crazy" as it sounds, after the psychic I saw told me I needed that release on a weekly basis, I truely believe it helps me. It seems as of late, all I have been doing is working. I work my fulltime job, I work at the stable, I work at making my body more fit, I work at home to keep my animals and my family happy, I work at ensuring my friends know I am there for them. It is again time to remember that it is all about ME. It is time to seal old doorways to past ideas and open new ones. I know some of what I want for my life, but I have not sought these needs/wants out aggressively enough. It is time to get going in my actions, in turn slowing down the whirlwind of thoughts in my mind. Just as I had to force myself to keep balanced at my old job to avoid losing my mind/health with stress, again it is one at a time...one need, one desire, one idea.

Yada Yada Yada

I have had a ton on my mind since my last blog post, but though I attempt to write them in my head for later entry, my communication of thoughts is not there. I began a post on Tuesday about how the Fourth of July used to be my favorite holiday, but it became a blurr of sentimental bullshit and I am feeling far from sentimental at the moment.

Nothing tremendously exciting has come about in recent weeks, but I am bored and need a lot of changes to happen to spark my enthusiasm again. There are some new people in my life that would like to get to know me better, just not sure I am in the mood to share. We shall see.

Anyway, not much time to blab about all the ideas bouncing around my tennis court of a mind. My computer is crapping out and will be leaving me tonight to hopefully be repaired. Wish it luck. Email is my favorite form of communication, I feel like I am giving up my two big toes right now......they give me my firm grip on the ground.

A Cool Breeze

I attempted to post earlier this evening on my weekend, but the sweltering heat got the better of me and I decided to shut down the overheated computer and head out for a bike ride. I was right, in that a nice, quiet ride was just what I needed at the end of this day. Having far too much on my mind today, I decided to not ride my horse, so lacking in some evening exercise was an upset to me. There is a nice calm, cooling breeze out tonight and it felt great gliding through streets lined with open fields and/or lovely homes. I love this town, there are so many roads I have yet to travel and it's a new adventure each time I go out. I could not go too far tonight, as I have nothing reflective to wear and it is getting dark. I am guessing I rode about 8 miles tonight.

The highlight of my ride was the insanely beautiful sunset. I am angry with myself that I did not have my camera. I normally carry my camera on my rides for this very reason, but tonight, figuring it would be a quick ride, I left it at home. As I rode up a hill with cranberry bogs on both sides, the sunset was overwhelming. Pinks and blues pervaded the skyline, Nature truely is amazing.

The weekend so far has had it's ups and downs. Mom and I are not getting along like I would have liked, but I have gone out with friends for two nights and had a wonderful time. Ka and I went to dinner and had a really great conversation last night. She is an amazing friend and though we live far apart, it feels like we know each other so well. I am honored to have her in my life. She is moving back to Massachusetts soon though and I am very excited to have her near. Though, I am somewhat sad that I will have no one to visit in the beautiful town of Freeport, Maine after July. I might just have to sneak up there and help her pack......and while I am there, might as well enjoy some lobster and Maine beaches. :)

Old Friends

I went out last night with some people I had not seen in a long time. It was good to be able to sit down and reminisce, but still feel comfortable. We had a great time chatting about all the crazy happenings in our lives (though I will say, their family is way more interesting than mine).

There was a band at the club, The World Premier Band. They were great, playing all sorts of hiphop, reggae, dance and funk music. One of the guys, Jiggy, was an amazing dancer. T and I swore he was a relative of Gumby. We also met a man named Dollar Bill. I have no idea where that nickname came from, but he was a great guy. He is good friends with the band and was raving about Jiggy and the boys. He pulled T and I on the dance floor and we had a fantastic time dancing with him. I must say, Black men can really dance and it was great to be socomfortable with someone I just met, but Dollar Bill was one of those kind-hearted people one could not help but like.

It was a great night. We laughed a lot. I miss my friends, hoping we can do it again really soon.