So I have worked hard my whole life...done what was expected....why am I so stressed about money and not compensated for what I have done and who I am???  I am nearly 40 yrs old, have two college degrees, yet I find myself trying to figure out how those people out there on state health insurance, getting aid from the government, yet have no worries about their bills, do it.  I work 7 days a week and yet am worried about how I will pay my bills next week.  I don't buy clothes, I never go out with my friends, I don't go on vacation, yet I have no money.  Yes, I do have three dogs, a horse, a goat, a home mortgage, a car payment (a low one compared to most people) and a school loan, but working as much as I work, I should be ok...shouldn't I???

I like my job.  I like the people I work with.  I am one of the best employees they could ever hire.  I am not tooting my own horn, it's true.  I am trained to do just about anything and willing to learn more.  I am over-qualified for my pay rate based on my education and experience.  Despite all these positives, I am getting screwed out of my paid time off.  Seriously????  Hire morons then, get less than stellar reviews from patients.  Ruin your company.  I won't be taken advantage of anymore...been there...done that.  I am too old for this shit.

Trying again........

I want to start writing again, but seem to have a permanent writer's block.  Do you have to be an actual writer to have writer's block??

Today is a sad day.  One of the owners of the company passed away from cancer and today is the funeral.  I didn't know him very well, only worked with him a handful of times and I have to admit, he wasn't my favorite doctor with whom to work.  He seemed arrogant and rude at times.  I read his obituary and realized there was so much more to the man and I wish I had gotten to know him better.  He really did not know me either, I guess that is just what working relationships are about.  Once we walk out of the building, we have no idea what the others are doing...and most of the time, many would have to admit, we really do not care.

I opted not to go to the wake or the funeral.  I have a hard time being around everyone, I become overwhelmed by the grief.  I am sure some would find me selfish, but I believe everyone should be able to mourn in his or her own way.  The sadness of what has happened has struck me hard and I have cried my way to and from work many times since learning of his illness.  I need to mourn alone, learn to accept what can not be changed and pray that his family finds the strength to move on and flourish without him.  My heart aches for his children.....I can not imagine losing my Mom, even now as an adult.

The weather today matches the somber mood brought on by the tragic loss of Dr. Hughes.  It is raining and windy and generally miserable.  The rain will continue the rest of the week.  Possibly the sadness of all those affected by this tragedy had manifested into this storm.  I realize it may have rained no matter the circumstances, but I am hoping when the sun finally does shine again, it will light the way to healing for everyone.

Rest in Peace Michael Hughes.  I know your spirit will watch over your children and I pray they will always make you the proud father I saw when you were with them.

Forever Searching For My Tuscan Sun

I watched the movie Under the Tuscan Sun while running on the treadmill today.  Everytime I watch that movie, I want to pack everything and just go to Tuscany.  Too bad I know that those happy endings do not really happen.  How nice it would be to just start over, to find what will make me happy and enjoy life. 
The feeling I seem to constantly have, that something in my life needs to change and things will be better...I have come to realize that feeling will never go away, no matter how many aspects of my existence I try to change.  I either change the wrong things or do not fully change what is necessary.  What needs to change is me.  I need to have faith in myself, I need confidence, I need to be happy with me.

Returning to Write Again

I abandoned this blog in 2006 and my other blog in 2009, but as of late I feel as though I need to get out my thoughts before I drown in them. As always, I find myself with no one I can talk to about how I feel. I am lonely....self-induced possibly, but I can not share these thoughts, not yet.

Is it possible that I have become more naive as I have gotten older, that I have learned nothing from my past? I am getting that feeling again that I need to change something. I guess I have been having it for a while now, over 2 years. I thought quitting my job and returning to school was what I need to make me feel better, but all it has done was open my eyes to other issues I may have been ignoring.

I decided to dig out my old CD case and listen to some CD's I haven't heard in a long time, probably 10 years....during a time when I felt the same way I do now. Lost, lonely, in need of change and frustrated with my life. I am getting too old to keep wanting change, to keep thinking there is something else out there. Why am I not satisfied with what I have?

I am selfish.

Time to Ramble

I am bored today at work. The winter season is fast approaching, (not that one would notice with the 55+ degree weather), so things start to slow down around here. I actually asked one of the Specialists why he has been so quiet, normally he is making me crazy with work. I should have kept my yap shut though, two o’clock came around and he decided to have me set up a job for the next morning. Ah well, it was for a good customer, so no biggie.

I feel like I have something to say. There is a lot of my mind, and they are issues which I am not sure I can resolve and I guess it is getting to me. I did a favor for someone and feel like I might totally get screwed for being too nice AGAIN. A friend of mine is a bit annoyed with me because I am not handling some aspects of my life the way in which she thinks I should. I want to take my time, see what happens. I do not need all the answers right now. Everyone has one’s own pace at which to live and with certain activities in my life, I like to take the slow lane.

Things have been better with Mom. I am not saying we hashed out the issues we have, but at least we are talking in person, rather than simply via email. She is letting me do my own thing and not questioning my every move, which, especially when I am unsure of my own decisions, is best for me. I am seriously rebelling against pressure right now and that is just the way it has to be for a bit. I need my independence, I need to sit back and watch how others affect my life, and realize how I am affecting those around me. The days still pass by in generally the same manner, but I am trying to stay alert and aware of how I feel and why.

Today I feel “blah”. I haven’t been too comfortable in my own skin for the past couple days. Could be PMS, so no point in becoming overly concerned. I am attempting to discern whether there have been any changes in my body shape due to all the exercising I have done. I have been taking training advice and trying to work hard, and I do see a difference, but the pessimist in my does not trust they are good changes. My pants are fitting differently. I would like to believe I am developing the muscles in my lower back and butt, but having my pants tighten on the waist gives me the fear of gaining weight in my lower stomach. I do not have someone who can honestly say, “yes, you do look like you have toned up your behind and are looking fitter.” My back doesn’t hurt nearly as badly any longer, though my hip still slides out of alignment. My legs have gotten stronger, regrettably including my thighs, which I would rather have slimmer rather than more muscled. Will I ever look in the mirror for more than one day at a time and think that I look great? I hope so. Until then, I am going to keep on working out and striving to get better every day.