No more...

No more Pita. I am a friend...Cairde.

http://cairde.blogspot.com/

Read it, comment....or don't. It's all about me, right? :)

Necessary Changes

I made a decision today. It may seem minute to some, but it is important. I am changing anything related to the nickname Pita. It was given to me by a friend at work many years ago, then taken on by someone else in my life, which made it take on less than amusing and more negative connotations. I am not a pain in the ass. I am a good person who loves greatly and deserves to be loved and respected. I have new people in my life who believe me to be "a gift". I am going to go with that, as silly as it seems to me at times. I will still be blogging, but not here. Time to move on.....and I am loving it!!!

Time to Ramble

I am bored today at work. The winter season is fast approaching, (not that one would notice with the 55+ degree weather), so things start to slow down around here. I actually asked one of the Specialists why he has been so quiet, normally he is making me crazy with work. I should have kept my yap shut though, two o’clock came around and he decided to have me set up a job for the next morning. Ah well, it was for a good customer, so no biggie.

I feel like I have something to say. There is a lot of my mind, and they are issues which I am not sure I can resolve and I guess it is getting to me. I did a favor for someone and feel like I might totally get screwed for being too nice AGAIN. A friend of mine is a bit annoyed with me because I am not handling some aspects of my life the way in which she thinks I should. I want to take my time, see what happens. I do not need all the answers right now. Everyone has one’s own pace at which to live and with certain activities in my life, I like to take the slow lane.

Things have been better with Mom. I am not saying we hashed out the issues we have, but at least we are talking in person, rather than simply via email. She is letting me do my own thing and not questioning my every move, which, especially when I am unsure of my own decisions, is best for me. I am seriously rebelling against pressure right now and that is just the way it has to be for a bit. I need my independence, I need to sit back and watch how others affect my life, and realize how I am affecting those around me. The days still pass by in generally the same manner, but I am trying to stay alert and aware of how I feel and why.

Today I feel “blah”. I haven’t been too comfortable in my own skin for the past couple days. Could be PMS, so no point in becoming overly concerned. I am attempting to discern whether there have been any changes in my body shape due to all the exercising I have done. I have been taking training advice and trying to work hard, and I do see a difference, but the pessimist in my does not trust they are good changes. My pants are fitting differently. I would like to believe I am developing the muscles in my lower back and butt, but having my pants tighten on the waist gives me the fear of gaining weight in my lower stomach. I do not have someone who can honestly say, “yes, you do look like you have toned up your behind and are looking fitter.” My back doesn’t hurt nearly as badly any longer, though my hip still slides out of alignment. My legs have gotten stronger, regrettably including my thighs, which I would rather have slimmer rather than more muscled. Will I ever look in the mirror for more than one day at a time and think that I look great? I hope so. Until then, I am going to keep on working out and striving to get better every day.

Eye-Opening Mental Reminder

I awoke this morning with an odd sense of urgency, actually more like panic. This feeling was not overwhelming, just a feeling I had, yet I am unsure as to why. Sadly, this morning was not the first time I woke up to such emotion. In the past I had attributed it to my not wanting to go to work. When I worked at corporate, I hated getting up to go there. I dreaded each week, causing me to lose sleep Sunday nights, even get to the point where my entire Sunday was dreaded, knowing what the next day could entail. Am I there again, panicked about the prospect of going to my job? My current position is not nearly as stressful as my previous employment, but I do not want to come in anymore. I work with good people, and I am good at what I do, but I am not happy. Will coming here become as dreaded as going to corporate? Will I cry Sunday night at the thought of walking through the front door here? I can’t imagine it getting that bad, so where did that rush of urgent upset come from today? I actually had the thought that my body and mind were dreading my morning workout. I have been pushing myself more and hate getting on the treadmill now. It’s important though and I do see improvement, so my lazy body will just have to get over itself.

A lot has been changing lately, but they are changes over which I have no real control. The aspects of my life that I really need to change are up to me. I hate change, I fear change, but I know what is necessary to get me to wake up and look forward to my day. I need to push aside my reservations and dread of making a mistake and jump head first into a new life for myself. I have supportive people around me; I will be ok. These baby steps are not moving me along fast enough, time to lengthen my stride and get a move on.

Things to Think About

It has been an interesting week/weekend. The week wasn't so great, had a few things piss me off, but whatever, I am used to certain bullshit. This weekend was different. I planned to go to the International Beer Festival in Providence, RI last night, but once my friends and I arrived, it was way too crowded with young idiots, we decided to just go to a local bar and have beer there. Someone in line suggested Trinity, a brewery bar, so we headed over and had some good beers and food. It was a fun place and nice to have the time to relax and chat. We then headed out to another barn in the area for a couple more drinks. We did a lot of laughing, much of it at my expense. So much has been going on with my sordid life as of late, my friends were quite amused by it all. The worst part being that one of them already knew some things I didn't think she did. Nothing bad, but not something I was ready to share with her at this time. HAA. Oh well, we all laughed at my utter embarrassment and had a good time.

Today I was able to sleep in, first time in a long time, and then took my horse for a long walk in the woods. She was great and we had the perfect break in the rain for a relaxing ride. Now I am off to make something to eat. I bought a pasta sauce from a little Italian store I found, and can't wait to give it a try with the lovely Italian wine that was suggested to me. Time to wind down and smile about the craziness of life.

How You Doing?

So far today, things have not gone so well. I have been awake since about 3am. Though I expected to wake up with severe back pain due to the exorbitant amount of leaf raking I did yesterday, instead my damn thigh muscles hurt so badly I can barely walk. I forced myself to make it through 2 stiff miles on the treadmill and headed into work. Since arriving here, things have definitely not improved. I had a ton of last minute work dumped on me, I faxed the wrong information to a customer, I knocked the scanner off the desk in a fit of frustration and broke it…..while the boss was watching. I spilled a bunch of water on my lap and got some sort of red crap all over my hands and face…so I look lovely. I also got a haircut this weekend, which is quite the change, and no one has said a word…..making me believe they hate it. (I know, that's my pessimistic imagination at work.)

Despite all this crap and my inner desire to just curl up and cry, I am going to try to keep a positive attitude and believe it will get better. It is only 9:15am, plenty of time to improve the day. I had a good weekend for the most part, nothing exciting, just some good laughs and some good company. That trend needs to continue despite this morning’s events. Wish me luck