Party's Over, Back to Work

It's Monday, first day back to work after partying at the boss' house. Actually, I was quite tempted to call in today, but I figured after seeing the boss until after midnight on a weekend, he might figure I was full of shit about being sick Monday morning. It was a curious day to see what, if anything has changed with working relationships after a night of goofing off and drinking exorbitant amounts of alcohol. It was a good time though, and after the initial uncomfortable feelings subsided while walking in and out of BF's home, I was more than happy to sit back and swill down some beers with him and his wife.

All but one of my coworkers are male, so it was interesting to meet the wives. They were all a bunch of great ladies and I had a good time chatting with them. I certainly hear some interesting "facts" about them throughout the week, though there are always two sides to every story and one must have that "grain of salt" ready. I was quite amused to hear the wives side of the story, but I will say, they have their men trained well. My guys work upwards of 90+ hrs per week, yet many of the wives do not cook or do the house work. Some of them do not even work! I don't know, but dare I side with the men when I say, at least have something in the fridge that could be made into a meal when they get home. It is give and take and these guys can dish out some attitude as bad as any woman with pms! After meeting all these strong-minded women, I would hate to get into the middle of an argument with these ladies and can see why the guys have Dominos on speed dial.

The boss and I had a good laugh about what happened at the party. He was admittedly still hung over and did NOTHING yesterday but lie on the couch and nap. His wife cleaned up most of the yard this time, but I am sure he will have to make up for it eventually. B was all set to climb into a tyvek suit today and try to sweat out the remainder blueberry vodka, beer and rum he consumed Saturday night. There would certainly be an interesting aroma emanating from that job site.

I did not see most of the guys today, they were all out in the field. My favorite driver Vic G did call and swore he was told I was dancing on the tables.....I told him I guess he should have shown up to see the show, rather than copping out and not attending our party. My Johnny was in today, he had brought his lovely wife and son to the party, so I didn't get a chance to flirt with him, as I so enjoy our little conversations in the office. After getting to know his wife though, I felt it was ok to smack Johnny on the ass today (with a folder mind you, no HR issues here)...to which he responded, "harder please." That's my Johnny!

Not for me to understand

A friend of mine is going through an extremely tragic time in her life. She has suddenly suffered the loss of her best friend and closest companion.....her horse. I have never seen a bond between two beings like I saw between Jess and Eli and now he is gone. I can not bare to imagine how she feels right now, when I even slightly attempt to understand how much pain she must be in, it is sickening. They were one, he was her anchor and now she is alone.

Jess made one of the scariest, yet most brave decisions she could have made a year ago. She left her family, her friends and all she knew to move out to the midwest and start a new life. The one part of her life she had to take along was Eli. There was no way Jess could go without Eli and though she waited a month to ship him out, there was no doubt they would be together again. Jess has been in her new home since June and her enthusiasm was inspiring. Everyone who is close to Jess would say, no matter where she was, as long as she and Eli were together, the rest would fall into place. Because he was a horse, many might not understand how this woman could be so close to him. She found Eli when he was a two year old, she trained him, she loved him, and she made him part of her family. The thought of Jess without her friend is incomprehensible. When I heard about Eli's accident and then his death, my mind quickly jumped to "why?" What is the purpose Jess losing her best friend? Why would such a tragic event occur and at such an unstable time in her life? But this lesson is not for me to learn. She risked so much to make this move, hoping to learn and grow through experience, and now another change. I can not say that Jess' life will be better without Eli, not will it be worse, but it will certainly be different. How much she will change as a person, and how much her current life will be affected will be up to Jess. I wish she did not have to suffer so terribly, but we all go through life changing times. Eli changed Jess when he came to her, she will never be the same. This lesson is beyond my understanding, I can only hope Jess will be able to take Eli's positive influence with her as she goes through the rest of her life. They were meant to be together and he will always be a part of her.

All The King's Horses

I feel like Humptey-Dumptey...having fallen off the wall, broken into a thousand pieces and no one can help put me back together. Life has seeminly drained me of my ambition, my desires, my confidence, my love. I sit and I think, I walk and I think, I lie in bed and I think....where has it gotten me? Somedays I feel like I have taken 10 steps forward, feeling good, feeling I have learned so much. Other days I feel like it was all a farce and nothing has changed. Is it me? What do others truly see? I have so many people who tell me how great I am, so smart, so beautiful, so much fun. I do not accept their words as anything more than kindness from those who care. I felt so cruel telling one of my friends to stop complimenting me. He means well, but it bothers me. If I do not see such things on my own, I do not want to hear someone else trying to convince me of anything. I am the only person who's opinion matters about me right now, I am the only person who can see the truth.

I am reading a very fascinating book, "The Celestine Prophecy" by James Redfield. It uses an adventure story to demonstrate the ideas taught in so many books about human consciousness. Redfield discusses the concept that each person has an inner energy, and interactions with others changes that energy. Many people, unconsciously feeling a lack of energy, are constantly trying to take it from others they encounter throughout life. This problem with human existence is one reason relationships are so difficult to maintain. Humans tend to have a "me first" attitude, their egos making one believe that what he/she wants must take precedence, and this thought process usually leaves one person being forced to give in to another. I have come to realize what I have done in my past relationships has doomed them to failure. My determination to make my partner happy makes it necessary to stifle my own wants/desires and put the majority of my personal energy toward doing what will make him content. I can not blame anyone for this problem, I caused it myself. I gave myself up for someone else, and then after a time I became bitter. There was no going back with such a precadence having been set, so I gave up on love and left. I am angry with myself for making such a mistake. It was an immature decision, but I was young and inexperienced. If love passes my way again, I hope to make better decisions, I hope to find someone who will accept me and allow me to live my way, as much as I will want him to do the same. I am not ready yet. I am still too sad, frustrated and bitter to open myself to another person. I have no one who really knows me, only because I give everyone bits and pieces...having the whole gives too much control. My trust in myself and in others is gone...I hope to earn it back.

Back to the Bike Path

I wanted to post some more of my pictures from my walk yesterday. I did not walk today, not only was it raining all day, but I was quite busy at work and barely had time to sneak out and grab some lunch.

So, if I avoided being arrested for walking on the tracks.....what would the fine be for taking this piece of history?

It is just a rusted old piece of metal really, but I would love to have it. It is the track switching mechanism, now barely held on by a couple old bolts. Why do I want this seeming "piece of junk"? No idea, it just goes along well with my fascination with train tracks.

I am not interested in the trains, but in the old tracks themselves. They seem to represent my need for exploration, wondering where the path might lead. As for how far these tracks run, if they are the entire bike path, I am not sure. At some point, I will have to come down on a weekend with my bike and camera and explore as far as I can in one full day.

When I am not feeling the desire to walk, I sit at one of the areas of the path at which I can see the water rush one way or the other depending on whether the tide is going in or out. The power of the gravitational pull is amazing to see.

The day I found out Nicky would be taken off life support, I sat on a rock at this area, watching the water rush past. I watched the birds float by, diving for fish as they went along. The work across the canal continued and the tugboats floated by, readying themselves to move the large tankers into the open ocean. Life went on, as much as I wanted to freeze everything around me, or at least slow down time...it passed as usual. It still does, the tides still rise and fall and I still walk the water line, wondering about my friend, wondering about myself.....contemplating my life as it has developed and how I am hoping it will in the future.

Quote Time Again!

I saw three quotes today I felt like sharing. Enjoy.

"He who limps is still walking." - Joan Rivers

"An eye for an eye makes the whole world blind." - Ghandi

"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind." - Dr. Seuss


All were amazing relevant to my week.

Can anyone spare a grand?

My curiosity could cost me either $1000 or one year in prison. Is it worth it?

This is a gate off the path that I walk by the water. I believe it leads to a long pier going out into the water, and I REALLY want to go check it out. What is stopping me? The multitude of signs stating "Keep on Path. No Trespassing On Tracks. Punishable By $1000 Or Up To One Year In Prison." I am not real keen on losing my freedom, so is my curiosity worth risking a grand? Maybe I would not get caught, but with my luck there is a swat team hidden in the trees.

The Bike Path in Providence is a wonderful place to walk. There are only a couple areas where if alone, one could be in some trouble, but for the most part, the path is open, surrounded by water on both sides. I love the smell of the salt water, most especially at low tide. The birds are magnificent and even the low hum of the excavators and loaders across the canal do not disturb my serenity. I walked about 40 minutes today, and took many pictures. There are probably too many to post, but I am going to try over time. Here are a few samples...

I am on a roll, and it's destined to be burned in the oven!

Today is not going well. I overslept, so did not run my three miles. I lost my glasses because I left them on when I went to bed. I am again arguing via email with an evil Witch that works in our credit department at work, to whom I can no longer reply without possibly getting a reprimand from a VP somewhere for foul language. My friend in Compliance hung up on me after I made a sarcastic remark in joking. I have annoyed the General Manager of one of our other facilities and was told by our Canadian contact that the analytical we ran on some waste is not sufficient. So, here I am, nearly noon, having accomplished nothing and really wishing I had tomorrow off. The boss’ day is not going much better as I just heard him drop the f-bomb about 25 times in 3 minutes. Just another day in Environmental Hell….

I am going to try to make a break for it at lunch. I would like to go to the bike path and take some pictures of the water and the ships. The last time I went for a walk, I got a ration of shit for being gone for an hour, but since the other woman who works with me was an hour late today, I am thinking they can kiss my Irish Ass.

Wish me luck!

Criminal Intent

I am angry right now....angrier than I have been in a very long time. The person who is causing this rise in my blood pressure, and the murderous thoughts that if carried out would land me into some record book for the most sick and twisted of killers, does not deserve the reaction.

Tomorrow my Aunt Lorraine is having a small family reunion, just the immediates, no distant cousins and such. Her kids and there significants, my immediate family and my Mom's brother and his family will be in attendance. I have not seen Uncle Jimmy in about 6 yrs, not since my cousin Laurie was married. Not only have I not seen Jimmy and his clan in that length of time, but none of my family (excluding my Mother and brother) have seen my sister. Each time I see Lorraine and my cousins, I hear "how is Kim doing? You know we have not seen her since Laurie's wedding?" Though I joke it off by saying "count your lucky stars", I know it bothers them. So, one can imagine my shock when Mom informed me that Miss Priss would be joining the festivities....and without her low-life, hypocritical, rat-bastard, piece of dirt boyfriend. Can you tell I am not fond of Big D? Lorraine invited the slimey worm to the party, but Mom neglected to extend the invite while talking to Kim. Well, after waiting all day for her to show, Mom calls Miss Seflish Prissbag, only to have Dickface D answer the phone to say "am I invited to the party?" Now my response would have been..."NO, you are a rude FUCK and I would rather chew off my right ass cheek than see your FUCKING face at my Aunt's home". My mother...not quite so crass as I, decided not to answer and again asked for Kim. My lovely (and I say that with more sarcasm than one can imagine) sister informs my Mother that she is not coming to the party....she doesn't feel like it. ARE YOU FUCKING SHITTING ME??!!! Lorraine bought lobsters for everyone, we told them she is coming, my Mom was happy Kim's choke collar would be released long enough for her to get away from that Fuck David...and now she DOESN'T FEEL LIKE IT??????!!!!
So, Mom is sick to her stomach at the control D has on my idiot sister. I am beyond angry that she would side with that Motherfucker over her family and I can only imagine Lorraine's response (as she has about as much patience and controlled a demeanor as I). I told Mom she better explain first off when we arrive, otherwise if someone asks me, I will NOT hold my tongue.

Ok, so I am a wee bit pissed off right now. The excrutiating pain in my neck and upper back are not helping, neither are the 2 rum&cokes and 3 glasses of wine. I ask you.....with a pain that makes one want to vomit and shocking news that gives one psychotically homicidal thoughts....would vodka have been a better choice???

CRS

I have a serious case of "can't remember shit" as of late, hence the lack of posts. I had many a blab, I mean blog, written in my head, but work/life seems to get in the way. In the past week I would rather not admit how often I have started toward some destination, only to stop dead in my tracks, spin three times, and have no clue what I was up to or where I was heading. If there were some music in the background, one might think I was inventing my own version of the Electric Slide, but alas, my sad attempts at whistling while I work can hardly be considered music.

I have had a problem as far as music goes, I don't seem to want to listen to any of my cd collection. I have approximately 100 cds at this time, but as I search through my cases, nothing jumps out at me. I have been listening to the same three albums for the past month or longer. One of my new favorite songs is "If Everyone Cared" by Nickelback. As I witness the daily activities of those around me, I am constantly wondering about our civilization and how we got so far and whether it is possible for us to evolve any further without destroying ourselves. Looking at the World today and the insanity which prevails, my hopes for improvement are not high.

Nickelback sings;

"If everyone cared and nobody cried
If everyone loved and nobody lied
If everyone shared and swallowed their pride
We'd see the day when nobody died."

What are the chances of any of that occurring one day, just one of those choices? 50%, 20%, 0.000001%? How does ZERO percent sound? Is this statement pessimism rearing its ugly head again? Maybe, but who can honestly believe that the whole world could actually let go of one's pride, stop lying, care about more than what is directly affecting oneself and share that feeling with others? I hope to see at least 1/4 of the world accomplish this act one day. It might not keep anyone from dying, but it sure would make a lot of us smile. There ain't nothing like the power of positive thinking, eh?

Jacuzzis Are

A great thing.....until you have to get out....and it's 40 degrees cooler outside the water! I think I may have broken a record for drying off and getting dressed, all while convulsively shaking and moaning. :)

Delete Nick?

If only it did not seem to make sense...

I was adding a new phone number to my cell phone, and decided to go through the phonebook and delete those numbers which I no longer would need. I came across Nick's entry. For a split second, it was just the act of erasing a number I would never again call, but as the question "Delete Nick?" came up, a wave of nausea flowed through my body. I would not need that number in my phone any longer. It will never again show up as an incoming or missed call, I will never again have a message from "Oscar" saying hello to his "Grundgetta". Though it makes perfect sense, the last thing I wanted to do was answer "yes" to that question.

Though I go through my day without mentioning his name and for the most part am able to stifle the tears that seem to lurk in my eyes, Nicky never leaves my mind. It is these simple reminders that bring him to the forefront of my thoughts. I can not help but think of him. Just the name of my company reminds me of my friend. He was the first person to make me feel at home, one of the only reasons I did not give in to the fears of corporate life and quit in the first month. Five years later he is gone, and no matter how much time passes, the concept of having lost Nick still seems impossible to fathom.

Needing to escape the office, and try to maintain some composure for the day, I went to the water. I walked along the ocean, trying to enjoy the beautiful birds and the smell of the salt water. The low hum of the tanks and refineries across the water was still present, but I did my best to forget where I was. As I looked up at the sky, wishing I could talk to my friend again, I noticed how unreal the clouds looked. If I saw a picture of this very scene, I would have sworn it was a painting. The clouds seemed too fluid and pronounced to not have been painted by some great artist. I wish I had my camera, but again, I left it at home. I was brought back to my childhood, when I would looking into paintings of the seashore and the sky and wished I could just walk into the painting. Where would I be? Would the past few months be merely a dream in this new place? Where is the wardrobe closet that will lead to my Narnia? This place of dreams will simply need to continue to exist only in my mind, but I am glad it still does. I would be lost without an imagination to turn to, if only for a few brief moments while staring at the sky.

Smile! It's not that Bad.

I have been feeling very down lately, as if nothing could or will go right any time soon. Today I felt a change. I am not sure when or how, but as the day progressed, I felt better about myself, I felt maybe I would learn from life and make it better.

I laughed a lot at work today. I work with some good people and it is great to be able to giggle like a complete fool and have no one ask you to stifle it. I even "one-upped" one of my company's smartest employees. Good times....

I learned today that I am not alone in being afraid to get to know someone new. I had done my usual, thought the worst, and believed that this person was not interested in getting to know me. After talking to a friend who normally keeps her nose out of anyone's business, I realized that even the most intimidating emotions can be mutual. Fear is a powerful emotion and if allowed, it can hold one back from growing and learning. Fear has held onto me for a long time, but as time passes it only makes me angry and bitter. I believed, at first, that I was angry with those who had somehow hurt me, but in actual, I was angry with myself. In my heart, I know this person is just as intrigued by me as I am of him, but time is on our side. Whether we are destined for a friendship or more, I am in no hurry.

My confidence also seemed to be reborn with the horses. I have been given guardianship of a 3yr old Thoroughbred. He was just recently gelded, so his stallion qualities are quite strong. I did not believe I was up to this challenge, as "babies" and especially stallions can be quite dangerous and I have not dealt with one in a very long time. Canajohari will be difficult. He has the same fresh, defiant attitude as his grandmother, Lilac Domino, but he is young and strong. Yesterday his obstinance hit a high note, he did not want me to bother him, and therefore reared up and struck my leg with his front hoof. I was too close for him to get high enough to do any real damage, but it was startling. Normally this would have frightened or angered me, but I am too tired lately to let this horse flare any more negative feelings in me. Instead, I quietly reprimanded him and continued on with what needed to be done. I was, however, brought closer to the conclusion that I was neither up to such a challenge, nor did I want it in my life. Today, as Canajo tried to intimidate me and refuse to behave, I sternly raised my voice to him and he listened. We have begun to come to an understanding and though it will not be easy, I am confident I can work through my fears and self-doubt. I can help to train this beautiful horse for a woman whose crippling disease stops her from working with him on her own. I see the softness in Cj's eyes that I saw in his grandmother, whom I loved dearly. Maybe he and I will be friends, maybe not, but he will not dominate me. The Boss is back, playtime is over for the new fiery, red-headed baby.

The Canal

I went to the ocean today. It is amazing how much more content the site and smell of the ocean can make me. I had originally just wanted to go for a drive, getting out of the house, but when I found myself in the area of the Cape Cod Canal, I decided to join the many others, and enjoy the day. There were a lot of people, it was the perfect day to be outdoors. The sun was shining and the temperature was a comfortable 80F. As I was unprepared to be walking, all I was wearing were my flip flops. I have made the mistake of walking a long distance in flip flops before, but I guess my feet suffer once again because I will never learn. I walked the full length of one side of the Canal, I believe it is 7 miles one way. The growing blisters were quite apparent as I reached one end, therefore the thought of having to walk back was less than pleasing. I sat for a bit, watching everyone go by. There were parents with their children, lovers, friends, either walking, roller-blading or riding their bikes. There were also the older folks, sitting in the shaded spots, enjoying a cool breeze and the fisherman, carefully standing on the wet rocks. I watched dogs walk by, staring at the water, apparently wishing it were high tide so that they might have the chance to go swimming.
No such luck for the hot dogs or my feet, the tide was far too low to attempt to traverse the wet, seaweed covered rocks, in order to dip our "paws".

Other than the fisherman, the only ones enjoying the low tide were the sea birds. The fish were visibly prevalent today, therefore the birds were not lacking in something to catch if they so desired. These three pals just sat together for awhile, enjoying the breeze. Even the wildlife enjoys the company of friends....

Someone has shown their artistic appreciation of the seabirds, particularly the gull. There are marvelous paintings on the walkway, various portraits of these lovely birds. It was nice to see, as most people hate seagulls because of the noise they make and the messes they leave behind.


Now after relaxing myself, getting all my work done that was required, it is time to rest and soak my sore feet. Here's to hoping the blisters let me run in the morning!