Told to Go

I was told to leave work early today. No, I was not fired...I am not that lucky. It was the fact that I had my head in my trash bucket at my desk that triggered my requested removal. "Don't be spreading your germs here." Ok, I will go, you don't have to tell me twice.

I did not feel well most of the day, actually I didn't feel well most of the weekend, but was trying to ignore it and chock it up to allergies and exhaustion. Today, I just figured it was my state of mind making me sick, but whatever it was, my insides were not happy. I made it home, got some soda and sat on the couch to watch an episode of "General Hospital". I haven't watched a soap opera in a long time. It was good to just sit and vedge out like that. I rarely allow myself to do so, if I am staring quietly at the television, normally my mind is racing. My thoughts, as of late, have been a blurr. I have felt angry, sad, lonely, betrayed, and misunderstood and at other moments I have laughed to the point of pulling facial muscles. I would like a little more of the positive, but those moments have come with people who are a fleeting presence in my life. Those I figured would stick around are the ones most hurting me. Maybe I am best without them, no matter how much time I spend, no one will really understand me. Do they not try? Do I not try? Would I rather no one truly know who I am? I do not readily trust others, so if they get to know the real me...will it blow up in my face? The people I trust not to hurt or judge me are so far away. They can not give me the hug I probably need. They can not see the pain in my eyes...but they know and they are there to lend an ear..or an eye as the emailing case may be. I still need that hug, but it will have to wait. I can not allow myself that moment of weakness with anyone around me. I hope I may someday.

The time change is tough on me. I hate getting home in the dark, especially knowing that I will not be able to work with the horses, but for limited times on the weekend. Needing even the shortest escape, I could not waste this perfect opportunity. I headed to the barn early and decided to take my horse on a quiet trailride. It was nice to get out in the cranberry bogs with her and just enjoy the scenery. Getting past the dump trailers at the garage wasn't too easy, but the guys were good enough to not start any of the trucks until we past, so off Capall and I went.

One great thing about sunset in the fall.....it is utterly gorgeous sometimes. Enjoy.

Uninvited

I was actually going to go out on a "worknight" and I was excited about it. But again, sitting home...uninvited by someone I thought wanted to see me. I am not even sure what happened. I thought I could joke around with someone I called a friend. I thought I could trust this person to not accuse me of shit that he knows I would not do. I was wrong.

So I am going to do what I probably should have planned on anyway, read my book and go to bed. I have to finish my book by Thursday for the book club. I am not going to look forward to Thursday because lately everything to which I look forward seems to blow up in my face. And no, that isn't me feeling sorry for myself...that's the truth. Just bad luck I guess, or another sign it's time for serious changes....I don't know, but I will figure it out.

War of the Mind

This is my horoscope for today...according to Google anyway..

"Change has been powering its way through your life, but some of the forces are just too subtle to even notice. Now you are reaching a turning point. Trust your innermost instincts over the logic of your rational mind. This isn't about statistical analysis or thinking about the consequences of your actions. It's only about following your heart. "

So I read that and wonder...

I wanted to go out tonight to see a friend sing, but something held me back. Was it my over-thinking of the situation or something more? How does one follow one's heart if there is uncertainty if it's the heart or the mind running things at that moment. Damned if I know...

Going to do the same old...read my book and go to sleep. Someday I will figure it all out and maybe separate these thoughts/feelings into the nice little categories which will make them easier to distinguish and therefore pick and choose for use.

Tagged

I am honored to have been tagged by my friend Ryann...so here goes my questions and responses.

1. One thing I've never done in front of an adult: Being someone who tends to be oblivious to my surroundings at times..it's hard to think of something...I've never sincerely patted myself on the back.
2. One sport I wish I could do: Run a Marathon
3. One thing I used to be able to do but have lost the ability to: I used to be able to sing pretty well until I broke my jaw.
4. One job I wish I could have had: Veterinarian
5. One food I can't live without: Cheese..any kind!
6. One food I could easily live without forever: Beets...damn things taste like dirt!
7. One book I think is a classic: "The Alchemist" by Paulo Coelho.
8. One movie I feel is personally significant to my life: "Pay it Forward" - It's amazing the effect that one person can have on the world.
9. One song I wish I'd written: Anna Nalick's "Consider This"
10. One thing I wish I had more control over: My Emotions
11. One Thing I dislike about myself: My lack of self-confidence.
12. One thing I admire about myself: My ability to love with all I am..
13. One thing I would change about the US: The way in which the "separation of church and state" does not seem to stay separate...that old beliefs seem to pervade all our lives.
14. One vehicle I hope to own someday: Ford F350 Pickup
15. One profession I have no respect for: Corporate Attorneys...it's all about money money money.
16. One sexual activity I have never tried but want to: Hmm, I am simple...sex on a beach.
17. One sexual activity I have never tried and don't want to: Three-some, I am all set with sharing.
18. One holiday I could live without: Valentine's Day...makes too many people miserable.
19. One piece of clothing I can't live without: That one big sweatshirt I stole from an ex.
20. One thing I'm afraid of: losing: My ability to trust others.
21. One thing I'm happy to have: My friends who love me even when I am nuts.

Three Cheers

One of my favorite morning reads, is that of Dad Gone Mad. He writes one of the funniest blogs out there, relaying stories of his wife, children, friends and general mishaps of life. One can find an almost daily post at http://www.dadgonemad.com/.

I have been reading DGM's blogs for about a year. I envy his humor and writing style and often wished I had such an eventful life about which I could write. My posts are normally quite somber, the darker thoughts I might have throughout a day and I wondered what it was like to be able to have such humor make up one's life. Lately though, DGM has graciously decided to share his not-so-funny part of life, his bout with depression. Still tossing in his wit, he shares his deepest feelings about the difficulties of living with depression and his fear that side of him could affect his family in some detrimental way. He is open and honest in his writing and for that I say "Three Cheers to DGM." I have the utmost respect for this man and his family. He has shown me that it is not necessary to always put up a front and convince those we encounter that life is always a grand set of amusing events. He has also brought home the fact that no matter how bad everything seems, never let go of humor. There is no stronger medicine than laughter.

Haunting Memories

I was watching "The Ghost Whisperer" tonight and allowed it to make me cry. Damn tv drama. The main premise of tonight's episode was the relationship between a dead man and his long-abandoned daughter. She did not even know he was dead, and apparently did not care because he had left her when she was three years old.

Would I be notified when my Father dies? Would I care to know, do I care? I have not seen him since I was a teenager, actually I do not recall the last time. After he finally moved out, he tried to keep up the expected visits of once a month, then just holidays...then nothing. I made no attempt, he made no attempt. I do not know how my brother and sister feel about his lack of presence in our lives, and actually I am not sure how I feel. Most of the time I do not think of him, when I do remember his time in my life, the memories are negative. Honestly, I try to remember something about him that will make me smile, but I have nothing. I remember him yelling at us. I remember him threatening my Mother. I remember running and hiding from him while he choked my brother for making too much noise.

Why would I want to know about such a man? Do I want to know him? My curiosity makes me wonder if he thinks about how we are, what his children are doing. Has he ever cried for us? Is he ashamed of what he did to us. Does he simply say that we chose to cut him from his life and he was the victim in this situation? I have often thought of finding him and asking those very questions, but my fear of his giving an emotionless, careless answer is too much. I do not want to be dismissed by him again. Maybe he would apologize and tell me he wished he had been a better father and wants to know his children, but my heart tells me that would not be the case and I would be left with further disappointment. At this point in my life, I do not believe such an experience would be worth it. I could be wrong.....I wish I were wrong.

A Terribly Vicious Cycle

Washing one’s face should be a simple task, as should taking the carton of milk from the fridge…should it not? It isn’t for me at the moment. The slight bend and twist of my back causing a sharp, knee buckling pain to shoot into my back, making a clean face or glass of milk seem not to worth the effort.

I am very frustrated about my back. I get up at the ass-crack of dawn every morning, adjust my hip, do my crunches, stretch and then get on the treadmill for a strenuous workout, hoping to strengthen and support my lower back. I can see a difference in my appearance, I was beginning to think it was working and BAM! The pain this week has been verging on unbearable. I walk with the limp of an 85yr old after hip replacement surgery. I have to stand with my legs spread far apart, leaning against the sink to brush my teeth or wash my face. I go to bed with the heating pad under my back, hoping to melt the pain away.

I know that my state of mind is one contributing factor to my back pain, like it can be for many of our ailments. Unlike some people who carry one’s stress or upset in their stomach via digestive problems or in one’s head via migraine headaches, I carry my mental and emotional pains in my back. I get stressed, I get tight and I pull everything out of whack, making it very hard to get back into alignment. The trouble is, the more my back bothers me, the more I worry myself…which in turn makes the back issues worsen. Lovely circle of events, eh? I know that I need to go see Dr. Crankinpuss, he can adjust my back and get everything in the right direction, but do I want to pay him all that money for 5 minutes of insults and 2 minutes of adjustment? I should not complain. He is a very good doctor and knows exactly what he is doing and talking about when it comes to muscle issues, but he is such a dick. He will tell me to stop stressing and work harder. The last time I went in, he told me to bring my running sneakers so he could have me use his treadmill and make sure I know how to jog correctly. I think I have figured out how to control my body to run properly, but I am sure he will find something I do incorrectly on which he will comment amd frankly, I am in no mood lately for anymore insults or criticisms. I suppose I will have to just get over it, bow down my head and ask the condescending genius for some help. Oh Joy.

Let It Ride

Things have been going less than spectacularly lately, and the main piece of advice I have been given....just let it go and keeping plugging away. I thought about it. Should I let everything just slide off my back and continue on as though nothing is wrong and maybe eventually nothing will be?

As I drive to work each day, it's all the same...minus the insignificant changes of who cuts me off or what the weather is at the time. The season is changing over from Fall to Winter. The young turkeys are now in the pen at the turkey farm, waiting for the Thanksgiving week when they will all be taken out, never to be seen again. The cold weather is bringing on the time for the horses to wear their blankets and I dread the frozen buckets and the fact that I won't be able to ride my horse for months. I know that soon the Christmas season will come and I will worry about for whom I need to buy a gift and what to buy these people. New Year's Eve will come and though I would like to think I will have somewhere great to go with someone great, I fear it will be another year of falling asleep before the clock strikes midnight. So, as all these events arise, the same way they came about last year and the same way I believe they could arrive next year, I wonder....Do I want to continue with this trend?

If I let my feelings slide, if I push aside my desire for change, if I stifle my need to find my passion, then all these events will continue each year and eventually I will turn around and see a life wasted in mediocrity. I will look in the mirror and see someone who did what was expected; went to work each day, got a steady paycheck, went through the common experiences of life. Who will I be? A fake, an unhappy shell of a person. I don't want to be that person. I want to find that home of which I dream. I want to experience all the greatness the world has to offer. I want to meet all different types of people and learn more than what it is like to live the life of a white, middle-class woman.

I am not typical. I am not normal. I am passionate. I am emotional. I am intelligent. I want to be strong. I want to strive for my dreams. I want to be proud of who I am. I want to live up to my potential. I want to thrive.

Sick with Anticipation

I am trying to work, trying to get everything together and make this a productive day. I accomplish one act, only to sit for five or ten minutes just worrying about what I have done. Could I have done what I so dreaded my entire life? Could I have permanently alienated my Mother from my life?

I called her this morning to apologize for forgetting to set something up for her on the computer. I did not want her to think I was intentionally leaving her out. The response I received was cold and stung, reminding me that she would rather not hear my voice, "I don't care." I hung up. I do not think I will bother her again.

My feelings are hurt. I am feeling ignored, despised, and dismissed, so I sent an email. With tears again welling up in my eyes, I told her how I felt. I am depressed, I am lonely and I hate myself for making the one person I thought would always love me turn her back on me. Am I to blame? My mind tells me no, I have a legitimate reason for being angry. My broken-down soul and crushed heart almost have me convinced that everything wrong is my fault. I should not have given into my siblings' taunting. I should have walked away, kept my cool and gone about my business. Instead, I got angry, I lashed out and despite the provocation...it appears I was wrong. I was supposed to be the smart one, the good one, the child who did what was right and expected. Now I am the blacksheep, the selfish, hot-tempered bitch that can not get along with anyone.

I am sorry. I have failed. I am not the perfect child who can keep her shit together despite all odds. I am depressed. I am scared and I am very much alone.

What are you up to?

A couple friends have called and the conversation always starts with the same question. So.... What am I up to? Try drinking some Bud Light, watching "Gilmore Girls" and trying to forget that my extraordinarily annoying sister is here for the next couple days. SERENITY NOW! I have been home for about a half hour and she has come into my room twice, once to show me a book about hair care products and a second time to make me smell her shampoo (her $20 bottle of shampoo that I couldn't use because my "fine hair would be weighed down, making it even more flat").

A friend of mine reminded me today...when it rains, it pours. My aunt is doing better (thank goodness), but I have been told that my boss' boss thinks I need more work thrown at me and a woman with whom I have come to find is a good friend has breast cancer. WTF??!! I never have seen so much shit tragedy in my life. It has made me come to think I now know far too many people and care for far too many people. I love my friends with all that I have, even those I have never officially met in person, so maybe I would be better off with not so many friends. I know...that's not true. I think the real problem is the fact that I absolutely SUCK at keeping in touch with the wonderful people in my life. I am lazy, I don't call or email enough. I say I will go visit, but I never do. I am a bad friend. I love them, I would be there if they called and needed me, but what about when times are good? Where am I then??? Sitting home, pissed that I didn't make the effort to go have fun with people who want to see me.

I am going to dinner with a friend I haven't seen in almost two years tomorrow night. I am going out with another friend with whom I love to laugh on Friday night. These gals are good for me, I will not cancel, as I have so many times before. I was asked to go out Saturday, but refused to commit because I hate myself when I cancel, yet I do not trust myself to be capable of going out this coming Saturday. Long story, all in my head...not worth sharing.

If I become a better friend, will I be a better person? Will the need for something I can't comprehend be met? I doubt it, but it's sure worth the time!

Where Are My Open Arms?

I drove home today, trying to fight back the tears, but the closer I came to home, the more they began to flow. I cried for my Aunt, who is very sick in the hospital, and who I can not bear to live without. She is like a second Mom to me. She is there when I need a Mom and can't seem to get the words out to my own. She tries to understand me, and help me understand my family. But now she is ill, and I have not gone to see her yet. I feel like an asshole for not joining my mother Friday night at the hospital, or for not taking the time away from horseshow prep to go to the hospital this weekend. She is in ICU now and I am so utterly scared that my chance has passed.

I drove home craving someone to cry to, someone who would let me curl up next to them and would just be there for me. I need someone who will hold me, non-judging.....just there for me. But I go home, and I am alone. I ran through my mind, searching for a name...for someone I could call, someone I could trust. I have friends, they love me, but everyone has his/her own life to live. I do not have someone who considers me the top priority, nor anyone I consider to be mine. I am alone when I walk into my house. I am alone when I crawl into bed......I am alone and I am scared.

Woo...Saaa

That is a phrase (not sure how the spelling really goes) that a friend of mine uses, meaning "a relaxed state of mind". Amazingly, that is the feeling I had when I mounted my horse and rode about the show grounds. She was the best!!! For a horse who has never done this before, she took it all in stride and was the utmost professional. Granted, we were eliminated from our second class, due to an unfortunate demolition exercise on the ring chains, but we completed the class, with the judges permission, and received a score which could have won.

My horse showed me today that she is there for me when I need her. I have a good little mare...and an exraordinary four-legged friend.

Shit Shit Shit

I am scheduled to perform in a horse show today....and I DO NOT want to go. With the mood I am currently in, there is no way my horse and I will get our shit together to give a good showing. I have never done this before, so makes sense to be nervous. The trouble is, not only am I taking my horse to such an event for the first time in both our lives, but we are being coached by one of the craziest "Dressage Queens" I have ever met. She will want everything to be perfect...and I am nothing near perfect.

I haven't informed her Majesty that I have opted to use my own saddle, rather than using her very expensive, professional saddle. I am not wearing the special white britches she wanted for me to wear and my horse is far from "prettied" up. I spent yesterday thinking about getting her ready, but after riding (which didn't go well), washing her legs and attempting to pull her mane, I was done. It's cold outside. My motivation goes "POOF" when I am cold. I want to go home, wrap myself in four blankets, sip some hot cocoa and watch old movies.

I had better find at least a trickle of motivation today...or it is going to be a far longer day than anyone anticipated.