Money, money, money.......

I played the Powerball this past week, first time buying my own lottery tickets. I couldn't resist, it was worth $340million. I, of course, did not win, but I am left wondering...what if?

What would I do if I won all that money? Good question. I joke that for at least a week I would sit on my couch in silence, check on my lap, just in a daze of sorts, with a look of a "deer in headlights". I would like to think I would not go crazy spending and knowing me, and my ability to worry myself into a frenzy, I probably would not believe it was true at first and not spend much at all. I would fear the lottery commission would come back and say "oops, our bad...we will need the money back!" Can you imagine?!!

I think I would be so torn on what to spend it on frivalously and who to give some too, including charities. I have such a guilty conscience, I would feel bad that I had so much money while others were so broke. I know I can not help everyone, but I would still feel badly.

Ok, now forgetting all the worries and what-not....what to do with my new found fortune... First off, a trip. I can not decide to where, I am thinking Scotland, Australia or Spain. I could pay a kind local to be my tour guide and off I would go. I think 2 weeks would be long enough before I missed home though. I am not too keen on moving at the moment, so I would pay off the mortgage on my current home. I would then offer the people who live behind me a lot of money to buy their property, a nice home and the 16acres that accompany it. I know that is not a lot, but I don't want to make any big moves until I know what I want to do with myself. My dogs are happy, my horse is happy and my Mom would be happy without a mortgage. I would also pay off my truck and school loan. After all that, would have to play it by ear. I know, seems terribly boring, but money doesn't last forever and can disappear very quickly if one is not careful.

If only money really did grow on trees................

Trying and Failing.....................

I guess these are part of learning. I am trying to be an adult and make the right decisions, but I seem to be failing miserably, to the point of hurting those around me. Lately I am trying to come to grips with the difference between being supportive of someone you care about or being an enabler of that person. I have been arguing with my Mom a lot about my brother because I believe she is an enabler to him, making excuses for his behavior and doing things for him in order to make his life easier. I understand now how hard it is to just be supportive. I am not any better at it than she is, but because I choose to recongnize when I am becoming an enabler, I become bitter about my own failure. It seems the harder I try to do the right thing, the more I say or do the wrong thing. I guess if I fail, then I will just hope those around me, whom I am trying to do right by, will accept that I am trying and mean no harm.

Is growing up this hard for everyone or am I just a really terrible adult? Maybe I try too hard to do the right things and should just wing it, but in the end, as I have no idea what I am doing, I really am just winging it. It is so difficult to push aside the emotion and the feelings in one's heart to listen to one's mind. Who's to say the mind is correct and not the heart? I have no idea. What I know now is, that in my attempt to "grow up" and do the right thing, I have seeminly ignored the feelings of those people I care about most. I am not a very vocal person sometimes, and now I know why...because I tend to say the wrong things unless given ample time to sort through the topic. I know I am not unintelligent, my mind is just a bit slow on the uptake I guess.

In conclusion, all I have to say is "I am sorry".

Excuses.......

I was writing back and forth via email with friends this morning and I was asked what I would be doing this weekend. I responded, "pretending to be sick so I have an excuse to stay in bed most of the time." Though I know I will not be staying in bed all weekend, the thought is somewhat appealing, therefore why should I need an excuse to do so? I work all week and some of the weekend and have earned the right to rest....so why don't I? I might take my time getting going in the morning or sit for a bit doing nothing, but after all is said and done, I actually feel guilty for each minute wasted doing "nothing" when I have so much else I should be doing. What kind of way is that to live?? I get the necessary projects done, but it is all the little things...washing my whites, cleaning my room, brushing the cat. The list could be never-ending. The trouble with doing all this worrying about what needs to be done is that is seems to cause time to go by even faster and as our lives are not infinite, it is important not to waste time fretting about what needs to be done. Now if I could only listen to myself and stop being so concerned about everything. I would love to just be able to stop and enjoy my time....even if it is spent sitting idle on the couch doing "nothing".


Started this one the other day....was going to finish it, but figure...post it. The Blogs are thoughts at that moment I type them, so modification later will be adhere to the current state of mind.

Once again sitting with idle hands.......

I am back from 2 days off from work, and still NOTHING for me to do. I did the small bit of work that was left on my desk first thing this morning, but now I have nothing to do but answer a phone that probably rings once per hour. Ah well, give me time to yap in my blog, eh?

I went away this weekend for 4 days. It was nice to get away from home, as home is not so "inviting" lately. Though the weekend was fun, I am a bit disappointed in myself for being a coward while mountain biking. First off, I was so nervous it was hard to find my balance on my new bike. Why was I nervous? Well, the new bike was part of it, a totally different feel than I was used to. I think the main problem is the fact that I have gotten so protective of my back that I could not get the thought out of my head that I was going to throw my back out of alignment. I did get a bit better, but not great. This time last year I would have done so much better, so I am very discouraged with myself. I am now determined to get strong again. Living in fear is not an option, I will not be a weak girl who can not handle strenuous outdoor activities. I need something in my life to be proud of right now and I really do not see anything. My job is tedious, I never ride my horse, my physical status is poor and I do nothing but worry. Something has to change and it starts with my mind-set. No more worrying about the "woulda, coulda, shoulda's". It is time to act! I know some of what I need to do, just have to get in gear. It is time to "Rock & Roll!"