The trouble with toilet paper.............

Here I am again, alone in the office and for the umpteenth time, in trouble for not answering the phone when it rang. Well, like I told my boss, I had to pee (I am not a robot) and was having technical difficulties with a new roll of toilet paper, so after shredding the first few plys, I was finally able to get a sufficient amount for my needs. Rather than leave the little shreds on the bathroom floor, I took the time to pick them up....which apparently is when the phone rang. Big tragedy, they had to call back. Ah well, my bladder takes precedence over the phone...hence the creation of VOICE MAIL!

It is about 9:30am and though I know there are things I could/should be doing, I just do not feel like focusing on actual work. I am not sure what I would rather be doing, except lying in bed watching reruns of old sitcoms, while listening to my dogs snore. It is pouring rain out and I am dreading getting out of work and having to shovel out my horse's stall, which is most likely flooded by now. Why do I have horses? Because it is so much fun and so rewarding of course......isn't it? Sometimes it is, sometimes it isn't....same as most aspects of life.

10:00am, still haven't finished my blog, yapped on the phone for a bit and made plans for Friday night....working hard as usual. I have a holiday party to attend Saturday night and still have no idea what to bring. I am the person who posted the sign up sheet with what food each of us would bring and I am the only person who has not written anything down. I have no idea, I can't cook, so that's out. Chips, dip, crackers, cheese and salad are taken. I am thinking shrimp cocktail...defrost and serve. :) I am no Martha Stewart. The amazing thing is, my Mom and I are listed as "homemakers" for the town census. Homemakers! Haaa, we are anything but. How many homemakers strain spaghetti on top of their electric stove or burn Kraft macaroni and cheese? It is sad. I told my Mom that the mailman must think we are running a brothel of some sort. We get one or two Victoria Secret catalogs a day and boxes of pills from various herbal companies. Drugs and lingerie, good times! If only my life were so interesting.

Well back to work, or atleast back to responding to my emails.

Disturbing curiosity...

I was digging through some old email and found a link sent to me by one of my sickest friends. It is about a man and his partner and a flaming gerbil. I have laughed hysterically at this article in the past, and despite the less than appealing visuals, I am still laughing. Read at your own risk...

http://www.pagetutor.com/jokebreak/160.html

I have been told this is NOT FUNNY. I am sorry, but Yeah it is! Anyone who decides to introduce a live critter to their inner "crevices" deserves to "get burned." (Yes, pun intended.) The upsetting fact about myself is that due to this insanity, I began researching such practice to see if this was really a common procedure. My mother even told me it was rumored that Richard Gere was "fond" of rodents. I nearly died, barely breathing after hearing such things from my mother.... and of course had to look that one up. No substantiation, but I wouldn't doubt it. Poor little buggers...just because they like to crawl through small tubes does not make them good candidates for colonoscopy equipment!

I am sorry...I am still laughing!

Stifle It????

I sent an email today I am not sure I should have sent. Part of me wishes I could unsend it, but why? I was not hurtful, not dishonest, I simply stated what I believe to be true. The original thought behind the letter came about in anger, but I was not angry when I started writing, simply contemplative. I think writing my blogs brings about a bit of brutal honestly, which is why I do my best to make them very general, not mentioning specifics. I never like to upset people, sometimes I am too nice, too complacent. Writing helps me be more truthful, even if it is just for myself.

Admittedly, I am not good about just letting things go, accepting without question and moving on. I do not see how anything can be learned or resolved if one just "lets it slide." I had that problem with a man I dated for 5 years. He was a great guy, very kind to me, but if we argued, he wanted to just cooldown and forget about it, not continue the discussion. I think this made me more angry than the original argument and became one of the reasons I had to give up on someone I loved so dearly. I really did love him, more than he could know, but my need for closure made him very frustrated. Causing him unhappiness was not a goal of mine, but I wanted to resolve our problems so they would not resurface. This man was not a talker, he acted on physical and emotional stimuli, not on mental. I am not saying he was unintelligent, but his mind worked quite differently than mine does, which made some disagreements impossible to resolve. I am fine with "we'll talk about it later" as long as it actually happens. I am very good (maybe too good) at walking away from an argument, but I do come back when all is calmer. I suppose I need to learn to "pick my battles" and accept that sometimes resolution will not come. Who am I kidding?? That is not going to happen. I want the facts, I want the truth, I want my closure! Am I selfish? Maybe. I simply want to have trust and understanding between myself and those around me.

Strangers.....

I learned today that my true self is not known to even those I love dearly. I wish I knew why......Am I hiding something, am I that complicated? Verbal communication is not my forte. I seem to be unable to adequately express myself in speech, hence why I write. Today I tried to explain why I feel "stifled" by those around me. It seems so hard to let myself just be, as I fear I will be overwhelmed by my emotions and my mind will take a place on the "back-burner". I felt a lot today, anger, sadness, confusion, love. I am tired.

My animals, I am told, supersede the people in my life. They are important to me, but not more important than those I am close to, I treat them as my equals. If I run to my dogs or my horses, it is because humans have turned me away, and rather than hide in a corner and feel alone, I go to those who will never be too busy or enveloped in themselves. I turn to those who will never judge me, who will never lie. I do not mind when they see my true feelings, as I know it will not be used against me. So many people are practiced at hiding their true thoughts, a talent I have yet to acquire. Would I be better off with this ability? Possibly it would help me build my "wall", but although I have been and will be hurt again, I can not keep myself from loving and trusting in the good in people. Naive as it may seem, every person I have let into my life has a light in them that has warmed my soul and made me a better, more caring person. I have no regrets.

What a day...

Today was busy, but interesting. I saw someone in the morning who two weeks ago, I would have eagerly gone to and given a hug, but today felt as though we were miles apart separated also by an impenetrable wall. Humans have been building great walls to protect them for centuries, my confusion lies when one feels as though he must be protected from someone who is incapable of purposefully causing harm. Some aspects of human existence, I fear, I will never understand.

I then went to my barn to witness the development of a new bond between two horses. Horses are amazing creatures. A new young gelding moved into the barn today and was turned out with two of our boarders. To watch as these animals forge an alliance, while establishing their hierarchy is quite amazing. This little horse, through "horse-play", determined who his allie would be and who would be his leader. So much communication in a short amount of time, through what appears to be just a lot of wild running. If only our lives could be settled with such ease. I am curious to see if the positions which were laid out today will remain, or if by chance their will be a coupe of power. Time will tell....

My friend Kevyn and I decided to do a bit of "barn-hopping" today. It is always entertaining to see how others keep their horses. Kevyn went to meet Lily, my Lilac's daughter. She instantly loved him, as most horses do. He scratched her gently and made a friend for life. It is amazing what a bit of kindness will do. She is so much like her mother, their eyes are the same, so gentle, so bright. She will be a great mare, like her mother. Kevyn and I then visited the barn from which I removed Lilac. She was not well cared for when she came to be under my supervision, but today is very healthy and happy. The owner of this barn did not know how to run such an establishment, but I am very excited to say, he had sold the property and it will be run by true horsepeople. I am greatly anticipating the time I can return and see what progress the new owners have made to the farm. It will be great under the right ownership.

There is a lot of change happening, seemingly all around me. Change is so frightening, but if one does not fight it, change can bring great things with time. I am optimistic that as long as I keep my mind open and observant, what I will learn from all that happens will help to prepare me for whatever lies ahead. Here goes something......

6:45am on Saturday....

NOT ACCEPTABLE....as far as a time for my sister to call the house. Of course, yesterday it was 5:50am. Why does she call? Good question, just to give my Mom an update on her last 8hrs without talking to her. Other than the fact that I am tired from watching television too late last night, I am annoyed at her constant selfishness. She knows we are sleeping, but her "needs" supercede those of the people in my house. I suppose I should not be angry about it, part of me wonders if she is even capable of understanding why her behavior is so selfish. She has certain mental "disabilities" that make her less capable of rational thought than "normal people." Though, if anyone can honestly say he/she is normal, one is most likely so far from it, he/she should be a case study for undergrad psychologists.

I think this type of behavior from my siblings is the reason for my undending hostility towards them. Mom does not see it. Ignorance is bliss to her. My brother is no better than Kim, both believe Mom's purpose in life is to cater to their every whim. I am honestly awe-struck at times as the length's she will go for them. Don't get me wrong, she does a lot for me and would most likely do more if I ask, but with each aspect of my life she helps me with, I feel like less of an individual, two-fold. I want to do everything for myself. I want to prove that I can. Prove it to me, prove it to my Mom, to everyone. I want to be better than my siblings. I suppose this desire can be seen as simple, childish "sibling rivalry," but I see no problem with wanting to better myself, one of us has to.

I went for a long bike ride last weekend, found myself in Wareham. The desire to find my father's house drove me there. I am not sure why I would want to see where he is, I certainly do not want to speak to him. What would I say? "Hey Dad, remember me?" No, I am all set there. My absence from his life is his own loss. Though I am left with a deep rooted anger towards him, it has not stopped me from loving other men and realizing that he is not the norm. I guess I wanted to find his house just for simple curiosity sake. After thinking about it the long (very cold) ride home, and wondering if there was some great psychological need to see him, I realized it really was just my "nosey" demeanor coming out. I stopped though, and turned around....it is true sometimes what they say, "curiosity killed the cat." This kitty can find more admirable means to face adversity.

Phew!

Isis is ok, just another fatty tumor. It is simply an odd one, deeper than usual. I am very happy about that. Time to move on and relax a bit.

I am trying to think of a new hobby I can partake in. The cold is annoying me and I really want to go bike riding. I need to find some warm clothes that are fitting for riding my bike long distances. I find myself losing interest in my gaming, as it is only fun when my friends are on the computer and we can goof around. We certainly laughed pretty hard last night, which was great, took my mind of my troubles.

I have been feeling better with my back lately, which is making me very happy. I can now exercise more and not worry about being out of commission for any length of time. My mom and I are considering setting up an exercise room in the basement and getting a treadmill and small weights. It will take a lot of cleaning up and probably about an hour for me to get my elliptical down there on my own, but I got the damn thing up to my room, I should be able to get it back down. (We hope! hee hee). My goal is to become fit again, fit to ride my horse and go biking. If I can show my boss at work that I am capable, I believe he will allow me to do some field work, which would be fantastic, get me out of my office!

Photography is becoming an itch of mine again. I do not have a fantastic camera, but it is good enough to take nice shots. I would like to post them online for my friends to see. My friend Amy has them as part of her blog site. If I can figure out how to do that, I would be ecstatic.

So there are my latest plans. I know, here I go again with all my ideas, but I feel a renewed sense of enthusiasm and a need to make life just a bit more exciting! Like my favorite quote states, "I've got a mountain to climb"....and I am ready to strap on my hiking shoes!

Another hurdle....

Isis goes to the vet tomorrow morning. I wish there was some way to explain to her why she must endure something that makes her so afraid. I guess it is better she does not understand. Fear for her is gripping every ounce of my being and I would do anything to keep her safe. I would not want her to know why I am so scared, but she knows that I am. Both the girls know something isn't right, but I can not hide my feelings from them. I am unable to hide my feelings from anyone, most certainly not my animals. They read me like an open book. I remember one day I was very sad (about what, I can't remember), and Tanya, my dog and best friend, came to me and acted like a complete goofball until I smiled. It was so unlike her, she ran at me and jumped around wagging her tail and spinning. I could not help but laugh....and then hug her, for taking the negative feelings I had away for the moment. I think this ability to heal, is why I need my animals. They feel what I feel and they do what they can to lessen any pain. I was blessed to have Tanya in my life for 10 short years. I love her to this day and wish I could hold her again. Isis is a completely different individual, but I love her just as much. I remember the immense physical and mental agony I felt when I found out Tanya had cancer, and then when I lost her. I remember falling to the ground because my heart ached too much to stand. When she died, I swore I would not go through that torment again, but how can I not? I am unable to imagine not having my dogs and the partnership we share. To be corny and quote a line from "Jerry McQuire", "they complete me."

One down..................

Thanksgiving has come and gone. The start of the "Holiday Season" has begun. It was an uneventful day, as usual...blown out of proportion. Mom made the turkey and usual fixings and I made my oddities......and no one came to dinner. It is not that we expected a crowd of any kind, but what is the point of cooking so much food for just she and I? The dogs are happy, turkey and mashed potatos for them for a few days. I guess I am wondering what the point of the holidays are. I think Christmas is for kids, though it is so commercialized that even children don't have any "Christmas Spirit", they just want presents. I remember how excited I would be, just to look at the lights and decorate the tree. Mom and I may not have a tree this year, though I have said that before and gone out to pick my little pudgy tree. It seems to me that the holidays are such a disappointment, all the hype surrounding them, and poof....all over in less than a day.

Maybe if I had a family of my own I would feel differently. I am glad to have the holidays with my Mom, but I always loved spending those times with people I care about outside my family as well. My friends are all so busy with their own families, that just getting together for coffee seems a big deal, with all of us breaking out our calendars and comparing dates. How crazy is it that we can't just say.."hey, want to grab a bite to eat and have a walk through Boston Common and see the Christmas lights?" Ah well, people are busy, lives are complicated, everything changes. I remember a time when no calendars were needed.

Well, here's to the Holidays. May they be full of the goodwill and cheer they were meant to represent so long ago.

Right to be wrong…..

I was listening to Joss Stone this morning and her song “Right to be Wrong” struck me.

“I've got a right to be wrong.
My mistakes will make me strong….

You're entitled to your opinion
But it's really my decision

I can't turn back I'm on a mission…..

Whatever's out there waiting for me
I'm going to faced it willingly.”

I can easily admit that I am wrong about many things and I have made what could be considered a lot of “wrong” decisions, but I hope that I have learned from each of them and grown to be a better person with each event. I realize I have not always taken a step forward after a painful time in my life, but it simply necessitizes taking larger steps forward in the future, when I am more able to do so. We all have weak times when it seems impossible to see the good in any event, but hind-sight is “20-20”. If one really cares enough to look back at the past, even times, which ended badly, were not all negative. I believe it is human nature to see the bad in things once that aspect of one’s life is over, it can help to numb the pain of loss.

I believe I am reaching another turning point in my life, I have that itching feeling that it is time for a change. As I am unsure of the direction I will be following, I will just try to open my eyes and shed self-doubt, showing myself and those around me how strong I really am. My friend Denise said, "you are stronger than you think you are." I am all for proving her right.

I can't...........

I found a mass on Isis just now. It is behind her left leg, the leg she limps on. I can't do this, I can't deal with this..... please don't do this to me.....don't do this to Isis.

Devotion.....

I have been wondering as of late whether any human can show the devotion that a dog can for it's "owner". No matter what I do, how long I am gone, how many times I lose my temper with them, all it takes is some affection and an "I am sorry" and my dogs love me again, all forgiven. I know that not all people have the relationship with their dogs that I have with mine and possibly I wouldn't have it with another dog, but I think it all comes from a mutual respect for each other. They need me, and I need them. We are a pack and will always protect one another. It is a fantastic feeling to come home and have someone so happy to see you. A lot of times I wonder if some dog owners notice the devotion his/her dog has. Yesterday I was out bike riding and saw quite a few dogs and their people. I rode past a house where a man was working in his front yard and his dog was standing on the front steps of the house. As I came closer, the dog casually jumped off the steps and stood next to his owner, never taking his eyes off me. He did not bark, he didn't have to. I know what he was saying...."stay away, he is mine". The man didn't notice me, nor his dog's movement, but I found the dog's behavior admirable. As I rode my bike past another dog, the collie began barking at me. I was happy to see that the man with the dog did not yell at him to stop barking, but smiled at the dog's excitable behavior

Humans can be so blind. We are always rushing through life, trying to get everything done and miss the small, yet important details of life. We don't appreciate those around us, hence we never can have the closeness which we all desire. I am a very devoted person, but unlike my canine partners, I do not forgive so easily. Trust is so hard for most people, we live in a world full of dishonesty and selfishness. Why are we so dishonest? Because it is easier than dealing with the truth...part of being selfish. Sometimes we claim to lie in order to protect another person from the pain of the truth, but in the end, we are really protecting ourselves from the consequences of the truth and the guilt which may insue. I wonder what would happen if the "civilized world" was as simple as the "animal kingdom"....humans would be bored, there would be no drama.

Nothing coming............

I appear to have "writer's block". I certainly do not consider myself an actual writer, in the professional sense, but I find writing my thoughts soothing. It helps me sort out my ever spinning mind. The trouble right now is that I have plenty going on in my thoughts, but I just can not seem to express them, even in type. This problem can be very stressful in itself. I have started a few posts, but eventually delete them without publishing because they either make no sense or are not complete. I have been telling myself that when the time comes that I "need" to write, my fingers will be willing and able to help me put my ideas into words.

I found one of my favorite quotes while cleaning out old boxes from my previous job. I do not know why it strikes me in such a manner, but I keep it taped to my computer monitor.

"When you're not certain if there's ground under your feet, or where it leads, walk carefully. As surely as it's dark and frightening, there's magic there too. When you're willing to let go of old ideas and frames of reference about how life is, has to be, always will be, and what's next, you're in the mysterious void, the place where all creation begins.
Walk slowly until you see the light, because you will. Then get ready. We've got a mountain to climb."

I think I try to find my way into this "mysterious void", but once I arrive I do not know where to go or what to do and run back to the old ways of being and thinking. Cowardly, I know, but at least I am trying. I think a lot of people talk about going forward and "climbing the mountain", but not nearly as many act on it. Talk is cheap, as they say. I choose to not talk about it, because once I tell someone I will do something grand and it doesn't happened the way I want, I get too discouraged to continue on and simply make excuses for my lack of trying.

Again, I am not sure what I am trying to say. I considered deleting this post as well or saving as a draft, but that quote is too important not to publish and for it's merit alone, I will add this incomplete post to my "published works".

Ahh, to be coffee...........

A friend sent me this message in email and I felt that is warranted posting rather than forwarding to my friends. I think it is a great message. I was a bit disappointed when one person I did forward it to wrote, "the trouble is even the coffee gets stale and bitter if it stays in the hot water too long". I thought that was very pessimistic, but then I realized, that is part of the message. Once the coffee has changed the hot water into something positive, the "issue" is changed for the better, therefore only dwelling on the past problem will cause one to be come "stale and bitter".

A young woman went to her mother and told her about her life and how
things were so hard for her. She did not know how she was going to make it and
wanted to give up. She was tired of fighting and struggling. It seemed as one
problem was solved, a new one arose.


Her mother took her to the kitchen. She filled three pots with water
and placed each on a high fire. Soon the pots came to boil. In the first she
placed carrots, in the second she placed eggs, and in
the last she placed
ground coffee beans. She let them sit and boil, without saying a word.


In about twenty minutes she turned off the burners. She fished the
carrots out and placed them in a bowl. She pulled the eggs out and placed
them in a
bowl.
Then she ladled the coffee out and placed it in a bowl. Turning to
her daughter, she asked, "Tell me what you see."
"Carrots, eggs, and coffee," she replied.


Her mother brought her closer and asked her to feel the carrots. She did
and noted that they were soft. The mother then asked the daughter to
take an egg and break it. After pulling off the shell, she observed the
hard boiled egg. Finally, the mother asked the daughter to sip the
coffee. The daughter smiled as she tasted its rich aroma.

The daughter then asked, "What does it mean, mother?"
Her mother explained that each of these objects had faced the same
adversity - boiling water. Each reacted differently.
The carrot went in strong, hard, and unrelenting. However, after being
subjected to the boiling water, it softened and became weak.
The egg had been fragile. Its thin outer shell had protected its liquid
interior, but after sitting through the boiling water, its inside became
hardened.
The ground coffee beans were unique, however. After they were in the
boiling water, they had changed the water.
"Which are you?" she asked her daughter. "When adversity knocks on your
door, how do you respond? Are you a carrot, an egg or a coffee bean?"
Think of this: Which am I? Am I the carrot that seems strong, but with pain
and adversity do I wilt and become soft and lose my strength?
Am I the egg that starts with a malleable heart, but changes with the heat?
Did I have a fluid spirit, but after a death, a breakup, a financial
hardship or some other trial, have I become hardened and stiff? Does my
shell look the same, but on the inside am I bitter and tough with a stiff
spirit and hardened heart?
Or am I like the coff! ee bean? The bean actually changes the hot water,
the very circumstance that brings the pain. When the water gets hot, it
releases the fragrance and flavor. If you are like the bean, when things
are at their worst, you get better and change the situation around you.
When the hour is the darkest and trials are their greatest, do you elevate
yourself to another level? How do you handle adversity? Are you a carrot,
an egg or a coffee bean?
May you have enough happiness to make you sweet, enough trials to make you
strong, enough sorrow to keep you human and enough hope to make you happy.
The happiest of people don't necessarily have the best of everything; they
just make the most of everything that comes along their way. The brightest
future will always be based on a forgotten past; you can't go forward in
life until you let go of your past failures and heartaches.

When you were born, you were crying a! nd everyone around you was smiling.
Live your life so at the end, you're the one who is smiling and everyone
around you is crying.