4 Hours Later

My ass is killing me! Get your minds out of the gutter...I went for a bike ride. All I can say is, thank goodness for my extra Power Bar and for the little voice in my head telling me to always bring money when I go on my bike rides. I tend to go too far, but this time was a doozy. Don't get me wrong, I saw a lot, enjoyed a nice day and had some time to think.

I was supposed to spend the day with a friend of mine, who will probably read that I went bike riding and think I am a big fat liar....but I did wake up very sore today, as I have a lot recently. I could barely sit and the thought of driving was making me cringe. It is best that I did not go out anyway. I was able to take some much needed time to clean my room (though I broke something I treasured.) The bike ride was necessary, despite my back pain, because my mood was less than friendly and I needed to get away from everyone.

Leaving for these treks, I never have a route in mind, I just go. Most likely why I am constantly lost and exhausted when I finally make it home. Today, I rode into Carver, Ma. I have never gone into the center of Carver and figured it might be interesting. After stopping for a much needed water and snacking on my Power Bar, I headed down Rt58, following the signs for Edaville Railroad. I have never seen this famous railroad, so I figured I would check it out. How was it? Deserted! Edaville doesn't open until June. It was somewhat creepy, like in an old Scooby Doo episode when the gang is investigating an abandoned amusement park. My active, wimpy imagination intact, I decided to high-tail it out of there.

Instead of continuing down the original course I had chosen, I took a right. I am glad I did, for I found a lovely Arabian Horse farm. Of course, I can not remember the name of it, but I took some shots of the beautiful horses. One of them, a grey mare, was quite the spitfire and put on a little show for me, trotting and cantering about, tail high in the air.


Further down the road, I ran into these lovelies....an Alpaca Farm! Not something one will see everyday in Eastern Massachusetts. What a hoot to watch these large balls of wool wander about. They do not appear to be the friendliest of creatures, but I figured I was pretty safe (on the other side of a 6ft fence).



As I attempted to figure out the best way home, without adding 2 more hours onto my ride, I found my way to Rt 28, a place I knew well. Needing a rest, I decided to stop at the Angel View Pet Cemetary. It is a very lovely place, but I had never gone inside. As I walked around, looking at the stones of all the beloved animals who have passed away, I began to cry. As silly as it may sound, looking at all the great pictures and the kind words people had to say about their pets, I could not help but feel for them. The pain of loss of a cherished pet is something one never forgets. It was heartwarming to know so many people are that devoted to their animals.

So, here I sit, just about 4 hours after my ride began, a bit too tired to go ride my horse, as previously planned, but happy to have enjoyed this day. I decided to treat myself to the last two scoops of mango sorbet and a cup of tea, and now it is time to rest. Today was a good day.

Off I went...

I kept pretty busy today. Ran errands in the morning after exercising, then went over to the barn. There was far more activity at the stable than I normally like, but I guess I have to get used to it as the warmer weather comes. I was able to get on my horse for a quick ride today. It wasn't the best day, high winds and chilly air, but she was good. I will not say we were superstars, but it was a start.

I went to the beach today. The cold wind kept me from staying long, but it was nice to go back there. I sat for a bit watching the waves, but decided once my toes matched the blue nailpolish I had painted on earlier, it was time to move along. I have many fond memories of this particular place. Not much has changed...except for the huge condo they built at the end of the area I liked to walk. Oh well, tis the times....

Despite any construction, I miss this place. I miss the sound of the gulls, watching others as they walk along either with a human companion or a dog. Soon, this area will be filled with people, and not nearly so peaceful, but I will still return. The drive alone was nice. I enjoy going for a long drive on a sunny day. On the way, I drove a route I knew well. For my drive home, I decided to traverse a new path, see where I would come out. I did get a bit lost, but eventually found my way. I actually would have preferred to have been lost a bit longer, as the scenery was nothing to cringe at; lovely houses, parks, farms. So much to point out and admire....Though it is best for me to be alone at the moment, one can not help but wish there was someone in the car or on the beach with whom to discuss what is seen. Someday...when I am ready.

For those who have never had the pleasure, I decided to take a picture of the "Mayflower" replica which is docked in Plymouth Harbor. I would have taken a picture of the legendary Plymouth Rock, but there was a young man standing on the rock (illegally, I might add), so I decided to move on. It's a big rock with a date carved into it....you aren't missing much there.

Quest for Freedom

There is nothing fun about getting up at 5am to get on a treadmill and run as hard as I can for a half hour. I have gotten stronger, but still every morning wake up thinking.."maybe I can skip today." But I can not, I must do it. I am tired though, life has taken it's toll as of late and I am in a slump. My back is screaming for relief, which my mind can not seem to give it. I have recently increased the speed on my run to 7mph (about as fast as I can go without crashing into the back wall) and as I sprint along staring off into the distance, I feel like if I just keep running, I will finally exhaust that part of me that blocks my deepest thoughts and I will finally be allowed to see the truth. The truth about myself, the truth about my life and the truth of why certain events come about. How hard must I run, how far must I go to have my clarity? I think I will take my own advice, as well as the thoughts of a fellow blogger, and go to the ocean for my clarity. The sounds and smells of Mother Nature's most powerful ally have always helped to clear the fog that envelopes my soul.

I was reminded of how lucky and possibly foolish I can be at times yesterday. A hiker was raped when she went into the same woods I would walk alone everyday when I worked in that area. I was cautious, I paid attention to everything, but there is always the chance. My Mom says that I should never have done that, I was risking too much...but it was my sanctuary. Should I have walked around all the office buildings at lunch, never really escaping the suffocation of corporate life, rather than enjoy my 40minutes of freedom in the woods? I can tell you that I needed those hikes, and occasional sprints through the forest. I need to hear the birds and the chipmunks, I needed to see the deer hiding in the brush, I needed to get away. I was lucky, nothing ever bothered me while I was there. I hate now, that my love of such a wondrous place is destroyed by the actions of one awful person. Will I risk a walk in the woods alone again? Probably.......

Positive direction

I received an email from a good friend that I wanted to post and she was fine with it. I told her I needed something positive to post right now and she is kind enough to donate her own words....


it's really odd how random strangers phrases bring a smirk to my face.... like that one i sent about "getting any?"

well, was just at starbucks and the guy in front of me ordered stuff and ran to the car to get money... the woman behind the counter felt bad i had to wait b/c they get frowned on for voids... but the guys behind me says "do the void, look at her, she's worth the void" LOL!!!!

*sigh*

so I think we should share random quotes of the day.... i'm finding not all people suck! some are actually quite amusing ;-)

A Defensive Hangover

I said some things last night that part of me regrets, not because the statements were not true, but because I was baited into anger and frustration and should have just walked away. I fear that what I said will be taken as hateful and cruel and make this person, whom I would never want to hurt, angry and bitter. I do not like to cause anyone pain, I said what I said to make this person think and realize that I only want the best for him.

I am unhappy. I am unhappy that love and laughter are not enough. I am unhappy that someone I know cares would purposefully say hurtful things in order to make me angry so I will leave. I am unhappy that people cannot just cry, ask for help, not only apologize for past mistakes, but learn from them.

I wanted honesty, kindness, humility, understanding….I wanted a friend. I fear I have lost, given in to someone else’s insecurities and did what was expected and walked away. The only way someone can take the harshest of truths without hate, is to trust the person who tries to convey these thoughts to the best of her ability. I know that now defenses are up and my love and hopes for the best are not trusted. For that I am very unhappy….

I do not understand

I don't understand people. Something happened tonight that I knew would, but it still hurts. Someone I care about is lost and I can not help, no matter what I try to do. I am sorry for that, but I can not be sorry for anything else.

I wish you well......

Not-So-Perky Thoughts

I haven't posted in awhile, but not due to lack of thoughts streaming through my mind. I have been in a terrible "funk" lately, and am really getting sick of myself. Today's quote of the day from Google at first appeared very pessimistic and sad to me, but the more I read it the more I agreed. Does this make me pessimistic and sad?

"There are people I know who won't hurt me. I call them corpses." - Randy K. Milholland

I guess I am getting that feeling of wanting to escape people, hide in the woods or on a deserted beach and just be alone. I learned in the past that being alone does not make one lonely and I have always felt the loneliest with people around me. Sad fact....

Something good did happen recently. I finally met a very great person face-to-face this past weekend. She and I talk just about everyday online, but had never met, and I am thrilled that after spending a couple evenings with my company, she still is talking to me. :P She is a good friend, I am lucky to have her in my life, even from a far distance.

Spring is here. I am trying to leap into excitement mode. I have been working my horse a bit, and that makes me feel better. I increased my workouts on the treadmill...hoping to see some better results.... without killing myself falling off of it. I will admit I went to the doctor on Tuesday and I have gained some weight since last year. Not much, but just a small amount is enough to throw me into a tailspin. I work so hard to get fit, seems to never be enough. Friends and family have said it's muscle mass, not fat, and that I am thin enough, but for someone who suffered from years of ridicule for being obese, I can not seem to wrap my mind around this currect weight gain being a positive thing for me. I look in the mirror and I do not see something positive, but I am at least trying to see a work in progress. I do not want to be the rail-thin, frail looking girl walking down the street. I want to be fit, I want to run miles without tiring, I want to go hiking or biking without having to rest until I am done. I will get there someday, that I promise.

If you like it, quote it

It has been busy at work, so no real time to blog my own original thoughts. I did, however, receive a lovely forward via email about the story of a baby squirrel who was adopted into a family of Papillons. The forward contained two fantastic quotes I figured I would share.

"The animal shall not be measured by man. In a world older and more complete than ours, they move finished and complete, gifted with extension of the senses we have lost or never attained, living by voices we shall never hear. They are not brethren; they are not underlings; they are other nations, caught with ourselves in the net of life and time, fellow prisoners of the splendor and travail of the earth." ~Henry Beston, The Outermost House, 1928


"Life is a precious gift. Don't waste it being unhappy, dissatisfied, or anything less than you can be."
"Too often are we so preoccupied with the destination, we forget the journey." - Author Unknown (at least to me)

Stop Flirting!

I was told today that I shouldn't use my tongue to swipe a piece of carrot from my front tooth because it is perceived as seductive flirting by men. Are you kidding me? I just didn't want a big blob of orange stuck to my tooth. I had another guy I used to work with ask me if I still wore "revealing" clothing to work. I honestly do not recall wearing anything very revealing when I worked at corporate, but Michael swears there was this one outfit in particular..... Damned if I remember, but wish I did...might come in handy!

I honestly think men are nuts! Ok, so all humans are nuts, but men floor me. Women...they are crazy bitches, but men can be worse in the way they think it is "all about them." I had someone, a man, tell me that I have some sort of power over men (especially the ones at work) and I can get them to do whatever I want. I goddam wish! I might be able to guilt them into helping me out on something, but it always comes with some incessant whining and complaining that they always do what I want and get crap in return. "If you don't like my attitude, get out of my office" is my usual response. Believe me, I would much rather replace the water jug on the cooler or go to the job sites and take note of all the rolloff container numbers that are on site. As it happens, though, I am too damn weak in my back to lift the water and am practically tied to my desk in case the damn phone rings or someone is too lazy to use a pen and MUST have their paperwork printed automatically.

The next week and a half should prove interesting, the only other woman in the office is on vacation. As my previous post implies, this is NOT the best week to annoy me. I nearly snapped my cell phone in half this morning because of one male ego attempting to prove itself dominant and almost hung up on one of my drivers for daring to complain I missed one part of his paperwork, therefore forcing him to break out a Bic and write it himself.

My patience must win out this week. I love the guys I work with, they are (fairly) respectful and usually good for a laugh by saying something utterly stupid or in one case; falling backward flipping his chair over because of something I said. But if I fail in keeping my cool, there is a large river behind my building.......no evidence will ever be found. Besides, after the stories these guys tell about their personal lives, I highly doubt the wives would miss anything, as long as a paycheck arrives in the mail. :)

Random Blabber

I am not liking being a girl today. It is the beginning of the "bad week" for me and I feel like crap. I don't think it's fair that I should have to suffer just because I did not get pregnant last month. Believe me, I am sure I would be a big pain in the ass if I was pregnant, so everyone around me should count their lucky stars that the only reason I will gain weight right now is the bowl of jelly beans on my coworkers desk or the bag of cheese curls my Mom tried to hide in the cabinet. I blame the hormones for my utter lack of will-power. I certainly can not admit I am a weakling!

Today is my friend's birthday. I hope it is a very very very fantastic day!!!

All the changes to my blog are thanks to a very sweet and helpful computer geek I know. :) And if anyone doesn't like it....it's a work in progress. If you still don't like it when I am done....bite me, cause it's mine. :P

Oh and I found an important quote today and everyone knows how much I love quotes.

"The pursuit of happiness is a most ridiculous phrase; if you pursue happiness you'll never find it. " - CP Snow

Highs and Lows

Live Music is intoxicating! I went to see a band play at a small tavern last night. I loved it. I really enjoy watching live bands play, when you know they are really enjoying what they are doing. It is like a drug, giving me the best high. Most of the audience was just standing there watching, but I had a hard time sitting still. They were playing a lot of popular rock songs, Pearl Jam, Jimmy Hendrix, STP, etc. It was only their third gig together, but they are coming back to that tavern in May, and I am definitely going to see them.

I wonder if it bothers some musicians to perform in front of a crowd that just stands still and watches. They are a rock band, playing with all their heart and soul. I would prefer and audience that dances even just a bit......Tap your feet or something people! I guess everyone is different.

Someone very close to me is depressed. He wants to find ambition to improve his life, but it has not come. I am frustrated because I can not understand why anyone who wants to get something done, just does not get up and do it. Sitting idle and thinking about the problem isn't going to change anything. One of my favorite phrases, "Talk is cheap." I wish I could help, but as much as I believe this person has an immense amount of potential, I can not force that view on anyone, most especially someone who has fallen into a rut of despair. I guess all I can do is be here and listen. I have tried pushing, I have tried talking. I want to drag him out of his house and make him enjoy the day, but the choice is not mine. I offer love and support and I hope it is enough.

So much....

It's been a busy week. I have had so much to blog about, yet everyday I was too busy to get the time to sit down and write. I am still trying to decide where my best fit would be in life. I am in that frustration mode, in which days just fly by and before I know it a month has passed and nothing, but the weather, has changed (atleast nothing over which I had control). I am still in limbo about Lilac. Her owners (a married couple) are far from agreement on when and who. They want to take Lilac away and bring her to a huge farm in Upstate New York to live out her final days and they want to bring me their 5yr old Thoroughbred off the track. I would prefer to take Lilac's daughter, Lily, as she is 10yrs old and a bit more trained. She is also lame at the moment and I would like to get her back into sound shape. I also work better with mares than I do with geldings. The ex-racehorse's name is Whaleman. His owner assures me that he is a sweetheart, but none the less, he is still a young TB off the racetrack and they are RARELY calm horses. He will need to be worked and constantly handled. Our barn is quiet (at least when I am there) and I like to keep it that way. We shall see.

The main issue I have with this whole horse switch, (other than the fact that I am beyond worried about Lilac and will miss her terribly) is that I am being left in this state of unknowing. At this point I know something will happen, but what and when seem to be up in the air. I was told I have issues with change. Maybe. I think a lot of people do, but I can adjust to change when I am prepared for it. I do not like being told one thing, then the next day having it totally changed on me. I want to plan, I want to be ready....I am tired of waiting. People can be so selfish, they forget how much one's indecisiveness can affect everyone involved. I admit, I am indecisive when it comes to where to go to dinner or what movie to watch, but on the big issues....I do not bring it up until my decision is made. I know I will say goodbye to my old friend, but when remains a mystery which plagues my heart everytime I think of her.

I think I am just frustrated lately with a lot of things. I feel as though I am being dicked around at every corner. The barn, work, home.... At work I have been making mistakes and that angers me. I get half-assed information to work with and the result ends up being completely wrong and I look like an utter moron. I will admit that some of the issue is my complete lack of interest in learning what I am being instructed to do. I am not meant to be in an office and deal with paperwork and accounts and quotes. I do not care about this type of work, but I would still like the proper tools to learn. I take immense pride in my work and I want to do well, so I will keep plugging along no matter how tedious it seems.

A friend of mine is searching for a home to buy. I suggested a couple of my favorites in my own neighborhood. He did like those houses, but he found a few others he preferred more. I gave him advice on where to look and I did a little research for him. He said I am doing better than his last real estate agent. I have often thought of getting involved in real estate. I love architecture and land and finding great houses. I wonder if that could be something for me. Might be worth exploring. I have decided I have nothing to lose, except my pride and happiness if I do not try to better myself by being involved in a career I can be proud of. It is not enough to just do a great job, I have to want to do a great job because I care about the work, not because I hate failing.

I am angry at myself today. A very good friend of mine had surgery today and I honestly forgot until this afternoon. She did not make a point to remind me yesterday, knowing I would worry, but I should have remembered. I wanted to be there for her. She is brave and she is stubborn. I know she will be ok. I wish I were there with my friend...