My Niche

I met an artist tonight. Her name is Rachel Maguire. Check her out at http://www.rayarray.com/. She is a very nice, intelligent person and I enjoyed talking with her. She has a lot of dreams and ambitions, but also the drive to get there, and I whole-heartedly believe she will. Listening to her talk about where she wanted to be in the future made me wish I had such ambition. I don't know where my niche is. I love art, music, writing, animals, science....and though I have some talent in each, I don't know where my heart and soul lie. Though it can be fun to dabble in many different aspects of life and learning, I would like to be able to have someone ask me what I do and have a straight, confident answer. I am a musician, I am a photographer, I am a novelist or a journalist, or any number of professions involving animal care. I can't answer that question at the moment because my "job" is not where I want to be. It pays the bills.

I was a good girl, I did what was expected of a smart young lady growing up in Milton, Massachusetts. I went to school, maintained good grades, graduated high school and went on to college. I didn't know what I would study in college, so I chose biology....close to animal studies I guess. Mom says I should have majored in business or something which would have positively landed me a good job out of college. I could have done that and would have done well, but I would not have had any interest and certainly no enthusiasm. I enjoy my science, biology, math, chemistry. I am intrigued while reading MSDS' on different chemicals or products. I revel in calculating the percent chlorine in a chemical formula. I am a science geek.

Maybe I just do not stick with anything long enough, strive for any goal with enough vigor. In middle school, my music teacher attempted to tap into my musical abilities, both in hearing all the intricate parts of a musical piece, to singing to playing either the piano or the guitar. I loved it, she was a great teacher, but then she became ill and died of breast cancer. She made me feel confident in mytalent, but without her it seemed to fade. I wonder what would have happened if I continued.

My senior year of high school I had an english professor who forced me to write to my best potential. He would pick on me, make me rewrite everything and would not let me stop until it was perfect. It was not about grammar (though I can get anal about grammar still), it was about the content and methods of expression. He made me want to write better and he helped me realize how much I do enjoy writing. My trouble lies when I try too hard to write, I will inevitably be plagued with "writer's block" and it will drive me nuts until I accept it is not time to write. What if I had gone into journalism??

I learned my talents with animals working at an animal shelter and then a riding stable. I have an eye for diagnosing medical issues and a sense for how the particular animal is feeling and why it reacts in a certain manner. I absorbed anything that was taught to me and sometimes would amaze myself at what I could learn in such a short amount of time. I am still learning, it will never stop and I thank the animals in my life for whatever knowledge I obtain and for selflessly sharing their lives with me.

So as I sit and write, I hope to miraculously come up with some answer to my own question, but it has not come. Maybe I need to travel, see more places, meet different people, find something that ignites that spark. I feel trapped in the "expected" life of responsibility I have right now, but I will do what I have to do for the moment. My time will come.......

8:30AM And All Is Not Well

The day has just begun and it is not going well. I started off great, I got up a half hour early, got onto my treadmill and ran my half hour. I was so proud, great way to start off my day. Then it all went downhill......

On my way to work (the time I like to relax), I had someone pick a fight with me on the phone over my management of my time outside work. I was told that I complain about having too much to do on Saturday mornings, so I should do some of my errands on Friday night after work. Friday night I am in vacation mode and the last thing I want to do is stand in line at the bank or go to the store. Maybe I am selfish, but I would rather go see my friends or bike ride or walk my dogs instead. I have been trying as of late to stop complaining about my responsibilities, so to be told I always complain pisses me off. Believe me, I won't say anything about my time again. I have been trying lately to arrange my schedule so I can get my responsibilities done and spend time with those I care about, but it takes time and with all the changes coming in my life, I think I should be cut some slack.

I then got to work, normally not too stressful of a place. No one was here, so the only thing I have to be good about is answering the phone before BL gets in. Well, the boss called and in his own sarcastic way informed me that he does not like how I answer the phone. I am sorry, but I know that when I call a company I hate getting a lengthy introduction to where I am calling and frankly, I doubt anyone cares who I am, as I might get one phonecall a week. I say "hello" and mention what company they were "lucky" enough to call. Short and to the point. Oh well, I am not a goddam secretary, so unless you want to increase my salary to include extra secretarial duties, just deal with how I answer or fire me!

I am most definitely taking my walk today. I found a great place to walk right along the ocean. They call it the bike path. Water and birds on both sides, large boats floating by and the smell of marsh land and salt water. It is great. This new place will have to be my daily serenity. I don't know about anyone else, but I enjoy watching the little tugboats pull the enormous tanker through the water.

Inspiration

What does it mean when one can not find a source of inspiration? Is all lost or is it a temporary flux of desires in life? A friend of mine recently asked me what inspired me. I could list off many beautiful things which could or have inspired me in the past, but I fear if I had those things near me, I would not receive that wave of emotion I so enjoy....that which erases the negative and refreshes me with new ideas, new promise of the future. In the past, a scene such as this would bring me that feeling.

I had so hoped that my trip to Florida, standing on the warm beach in the Gulf of Mexico would help to clear my mind and renew me, but I am afraid as lovely as it all was, I did not feel it. Does that mean I need another trip, maybe to the mountains? Maybe, but I would like to obtain my clarity at home, thereby being able to jump right into a new project or wake up feeling like I will accomplish something important today.

My Celtic music nearly brings me to the scene above, almost feeling the breeze and smelling the flowers.... Maybe just accepting it is time to "shape up or ship out" has awakened me, maybe my clarity is coming...like a beautiful leaf drifting closer to shore...I am eagerly awaiting it.

The World's A Stage

And I would like to get off......

Why are humans so addicted to drama? We see it on the news, in movies, and regrettably in our own lives. I listen to the gossip at work of everyone's home lives, from why the wives are mad to who owes who money. I sit in my office and I turn up my radio....I do not want to listen anymore. Humans grasp onto past events and embellish them to the point of a wondrous story of traumatic events in our minds. Patrick Price writes, "You see, we've become so used to drama as a familiar presence that we've unconsciously cleared out a drawer for her long-term comfort, making her feel welcome when she ought to be our most unwanted guest." I wonder....why can't we just let it go? Get over ourselves and our "little stories" and just live life? It seems we spend so much time rewriting the past and labeling each event that we lose site of the present moment.

I dealt with a lot of drama today and it honestly throws my back into a tailspin. The woman I work with "got her panties in a bunch" because one of the bosses from another office reprimanded her for doing something wrong. He's right, she shouldn't have done it, but she is right, he isn't her boss and has no business talking to her about it. She was all enraged and I had to listen to her story atleast 5 times as new people came back to the office. One of the girls at my barn has decided to quit working there because I posted a note reminding everyone of proper procedure. Yes, I posted it because she fucked up. Was it rude? I don't think so. She left a nasty note about why she did what she did (and I might add...lame-ass excuses) and then posted another note stating she was tired of "all the criticism" and did not want to do the feedings. I erased it. Tough shit, you screwed up (not the first time)...apologize and move on. Why can't people just learn and admit they were wrong and not get so goddamn defensive. Oh well, I say...good riddance if you are going to be so stubborn.

So many people just seem to almost enjoy being unhappy, that it feels like a dust cloud choking anyone in the close vicinity. I am tired of being engulfed in such self-serving foolishness. I realize my blog could be my way of spewing out my own dramas, but I try to post, not involved anyone directly with my rantings and move on. Admittedly, I have failed many, many times. I could write a long story of all my "tragedies of life", but what change would that make? Would those incidence suddenly be different? Actually, they probably would, they would be expanded upon and sound far worse. I do not want to dwell, I want to move on. I simply do not understand why some people are so involved with their own mental stories, that they can not turn the page of their book and see what could be in the next chapter.

She's Baaack

Well, I am back from St. Petersburg/Tampa, Florida. It is lovely down there, anywhere I can see the ocean is great. The weather was lovely, the sand felt marvelous under my feet, the birds were gorgeous (except the laughing gulls<----annoying beasts), I met some nice people...but I was definitely ready to be home!

I will have my pics ready to post this weekend and will describe all the fun, from a nice relaxing walk along the waterfront, to a stroll around Busch Gardens, to the not-so-fun attempt at going to Clearwater Beach and getting into an accident. No worries, we are ok, but that was an abrupt, depressing early end to our vacation. :(

As hard as I tried to be engulfed by the winds of the Gulf of Mexico and forget about the decisions to which I had to come home, it was impossible. I have to either be selfish and let something I love dearly go or sacrifice some of myself and my Capall for another. Lilac Domino is going to be leaving me. She is the older grey mare I have loved and cared about for the past three years. Her owner can not afford to keep her with me anymore and I can not afford to take her as my own. They offered to pay me a certain amount that would cover some of Lilac's costs each month, but I would inevitably be caring for her and doing a lot of extra work for free. I love Lilac and even as I write these thoughts, my heart breaks, but how can I justify my not spending that extra time with Capall, my own horse, to take care of another horse that I don't own. I am frightened for Lilac, she needs the extra attention I give her, but she will not get it where she is going. I have seen pictures of where she will be moving, it is an enormous, lovely farm in upstate New York. She will be turned out with the other old horses in a huge field, but that is it. No one will put her special boots on, make sure her blankets are perfect, give her the special feed supplements, wash her legs, check her melanomas and make sure they aren't interferring with her digestion or breathing. I do not want her to leave, she is so happy, but then I look at my little painted mare standing in the field, not groomed or even petted in days...she deserves her time of someone loving her. I have to think of the time I need to enjoy myself, to enjoy my horse. I can't worry about Lilac.....I wish I would stop crying.

Be Careful What You Wish For

I learned all too well this week the truth behind that statement. I have some big decisions to make in the near future, and though I had an entire blog written in my head about it, I have decided to let it be, for now. I am going on vacation tomorrow, Sunny Florida. I am annoyed that I am not more excited, but like I said, recent events have bogged me down with thoughts I would like to leave in Massachusetts. Wish me luck!

My time

The morning is my time. I drive an hour to work, and it is my time to relax, listen to the radio and enjoy the peace. I will admit that I am in NO hurry to get to work in the morning, I adhere to the speed limit and I do not get upset about other people and their rushed driving (mind you, this is only true for THE MORNING DRIVE TO WORK). This morning, I encountered 3 vans attempting to pass me on the right. I just kept driving straight and to avoid hitting me (in my seemingly ignorant state), these fools backed off. The first two intersection attempts were made by minivans, one driven by a woman and one by a man. I was amused. The third intersection (and mind you, this was 3 in a row) involved a small school bus van. Yes, that's what I said, school bus! And yes, there were some small children aboard. You know what....if I was a Mom, I would rather my child be late for kindergarden than get into an accident on the way. Amazing!

So, after getting through the more traffic laden part of my drive, I decided to pop in my Counting Crows Greatest Hits cd. I haven't listened to it in awhile and figured it might be fun, I felt like dancing. I learned a couple things from my rockin' on to CC this morning. First off, my left leg muscles are not adept at this time for foot tapping to the beat. Second, not only is bopping one's head around while driving distracting to the other drivers, but using one's right foot to tap to the beat is quite distracting. Thank goodness for cruise control, which allows me to tap with both feet, and bop, shake and otherwise move my head to the groovy beat. Ha! Good times! I will work on my left leg though, for those more congested areas where cruise control just isn't an option.

I learned something else today. Well, not that I did not know it already, but I need to definitely work on it a lot more. I SUCK at explaining myself in uncomfortable/tense situations. My fear of hurting someone else's feelings or just saying what I am thinking incorrectly seems to squelch any speaking ability I may have and severs the connection between my brain and mouth. Yeah, definitely have to work on that one....

Lock me up and Hide the Keys!

I have gotten to the point of completely disliking myself. My hormones are so out of whack because I decided to play around with old birth control pills to avoid a week of cramps. Now I have not only suffered a month of them, I have slowly become a raging ball of emotions...making myself and everyone around me nuts. The doctor said, "oh it's ok, it will go back to normal soon." WHEN?! By the time my body forgives me for my messing around with Nature, I will have no friends and my Mom will even move away from me. I would move away from me if I could. :( I just have to get back to normal this week, otherwise I will feed myself to the first alligator I find in Florida.

I saw a psychic Friday night for my friend's B-day party. I have never been before, so figured it was worth a try. She was a nice lady and made me very comfortable. I am not sure how much I believe in someone who sits in a closet all day having people pick out cards so you can learn about them....but it was interesting. Actually she didn't tell me anything I did not already know about myself. I am riddled with confusion and need to be more organized in my life to avoid being overwhelmed. She did say it was good I am going away (which she mentioned without my saying a word) and that I would find some clarity while away. The one thing I really liked about this woman is she said it is ok for me to "run away" sometimes. I need to take more time to go to the beach, or hike in the woods, to just go to nature and be peaceful. I like that. I know I have to do that some more...I just have to get my butt in gear on that mission. She also said it would be good for me to move away, but that I can't right now....which is true. Someday I will take that leap, someday the right time will come.

Can you hear me now?

NO! No Verizon, I can not hear anything because my cell phone likes to disconnect mid conversation. Verizon customer service wants me to call them when I have this problem. Well my dear...if I have no service, how shall I call???? Though it is not the owner of the phone or the other callers fault, I have found that this aggravation of constant; "are you there?", "what did you say?", "sorry, got disconnected" tends to cause a bit of strife between callers. I did not have one of those calls yet today, but had to listen to a radio commercial for Verizon Wireless stating how "fantastic" their coverage is and how these customers would never switch. Verizon Wireless is the best...blah blah, freakin blah! As I drove into the parking lot, I decided today would be the day I place my phone under the tires of our 10-wheel box truck, but of course, it isn't running today. :( Oh well, just the thought of hearing the crunching sound of my phone being crushed into little pieces made my aggravation over that damn commercial subside.

On a side note, I found out what that fuzzy feeling in my head is called..."mental static." Now if only I can find a set of those rabbit-ear antennae.........

Update

I figured after my ranting post about the inadequacy of the Boch Toyota employees, I would give an update on my missing car part. At some point last week, the Fed-ex man stuck a large envelope from Boch under my front door (the door we never use). I happened to open said door on Sunday, and there it was. Being quite excited, I tore open my envelope to find my treasured shift-lock cover tab. My joy was immediately squelched though, when I realized that my good buddy Walter (one of the less moronic Boch parts people) had mailed my small PLASTIC tab in a non-cushioned envelope and the Fed-ex man decided to cram it under my storm door. Therefore, one of the tiny plastic parts, that holds my much anticipated tab in place, was bent to the point of almost coming off. Screw it, I put it in the car anyway. I considered completing my voodoo doll of Walter, so as to cram him under my door and nearly snap his leg off, but I decided to be content with the fact that I have a shift lock cover and my spiffy new ride is complete.

In othere news, my moronic act of screwing up my birth control pill and wreaking havoc with my hormones for the past month, has gotten me almost to the point of lunacy. It is not quite as bad as when I was on the (now known to be deadly) "Patch", but I am getting there. Just be glad I wasn't blogging then.....my close friends and family still have nightmares! One more week to hormonal balance......

Time To Pause

As I waited for my water to boil, I decided to read the back of the box of Celestial Seasonings Tension Tamer Tea. There was a quick blurb about "learning to pause." Take time to relax and enjoy what life has to offer at that moment.

I wonder.....what are the chances the rest of the world will pause along with me, thereby negating the time I will need to "catch up" later?

My vacation in Florida is in two weeks! I can't believe it, coming up so fast. I can't wait, but hope I don't leave everything to the last minute getting ready. I am far too good at procrastinating. I have done the most important thing so far, I have my horses and barn work being taken care of while I am away. I shouldn't worry though, I am going away. It will be a ton of fun and I hopefully will take some great pictures.

I haven't been sleeping well lately and it is getting annoying. I am either having crazy dreams that wake me up or I just don't sleep. I know I have had a lot on my mind, trying to figure out what is best for me from day to day. I am trying to not care and just enjoy my time, but that is never easy. I need to learn to trust myself. If I can't trust myself, how will I ever trust someone else?

The Simple Things

I haven't blogged in a few. I know I should stop thinking and just write, but I think that I am afraid if I write something down, it will be proven wrong eventually. In my head, it is mine.

I received an email from a friend listing what some young children believed love is. My favorite; "Love is what makes you smile when you're tired." This doesn't have to be physicall tired, lacking sleep. I think it is more pertinent when one is emotionally tired...drained from life. A true friend who cares will always be able to make you smile, even if you do not want to.

I had another quote I have been saving in my blog drafts to write about, but for whatever reason I can't seem to get the words down. It is in a book I have read. I was first intrigued at whom the author was quoting and then I began to realize the relevance of the statement to what has been on my mind as of late. Here goes:

"For happiness, how little suffices for happiness!.....the least thing precisely, the gentlest thing, the lightest thing, a lizard's rustling, a breath, a whisk, an eye glance - little maketh up the best happiness. Be still." - Friedrich Nietzsche.

I am sometimes struck at the moments which I seem to recall most vividly with people who have been or are important in my life. For example, one instance I recall again and again when I think of my ex of 5 yrs, is his walking past me at a party and just brushing his hand on my stomach. He was busy entertaining his guests, but he wanted me to know he was very much aware of my presence. That acknowledgement meant the world to me, not that he was not always making a point to keep his attention on me when he could. When I think of my trip to Nebraska to see Retta, I remember looking up at her at lunch and thinking how amazing it was that I had just met this woman in person a day prior, but I was incredibly comfortable with her and knew I could tell her anything. There are, of course, many other memories from these people, but those small ones seem to stick in my mind and make me smile.

I enjoy the simple, quiet times with those I care about. I appreciate the time, the stillness that comes with knowing I am with someone I can trust. These are the times which quiet my mind and make me the most content. If I can stop each day and stand on my back door enjoying the silence of the early morning, my day can not be a loss. For just those fleeting moments of peace renew me, make me feel alive, make me happy.

This too shall pass

Tonight was disappointing, not because I was expecting something spectacular, but because I was in pain again. My back pain has decided to rear it's oh-so-ugly head again and I wish I knew why. Not only was it to the point of nausea, but it decided to manifest itself in a different area of my back. I convince myself that I am doing so well and BAM, snapped back into reality. I know it will get better with time, but I can not help but be frustrated. If there were some reason I could find for the sudden "flare-up", then I could work to avoid it, but other than having a lot on my mind......

Yeah, I know.......A lot of back pain is brought on by tension or stress. My mental state has a lot to do with my physical state, and I hate that. I am not upset, just busy in my head. A friend of mine mentioned how quiet I have been, I told her I have a lot spinning around in my head and haven't "blogged" it out yet. I am not ready to write about my thoughts, therefore I will remain superficial in my blogs until I am done organizing my mind and quieting it down for more than 3 minutes at a time. Wish me luck. I hope to organize everything into positive ideas.

Good thoughts....Good thoughts......Serenity NOW!