Bugs Bite!

I was recently the not-so-lucky winner of a deer tick bite on my hip. After hopping out of the shower at the lovely hour of 6:00am, I scratched my hip, only to discover a tiny tick had been there and was now on my finger. Having a bit of blood-sucker-phobia, I tossed the little sucker into the toilet and flushed him. I was later informed that I was supposed to save my little hitchhiker for later examination at the doctors. I am afraid that the last thing I think to do after removing a tick from my flesh is put him in a jar and save him for some laboratory fun.

I placed a band-aide on the wound for a couple of days with my favorite Neosporin with Pain Killer in it and kept an eye on the mark. Tuesday, the tiny red mark decided to swell and grow to the size of a dime, therefore prompting my friends and co-workers to excitedly encourage me to call the doctor. The nurse then asked me about my symptoms;

Nurse: "Do you have stiff joints or muscles?"
Me: "Um, yes, every day of my life."
Nurse: "Oh, ok. Do you have a headache?"
Me: "I work for Corporate Cocksuckers (well, insert actual company name here), of course I have a headache."
Nurse: *Chuckle* "Well, how about a fever?"
Me: "Well that I do not have."

The nurse wanted me to see a doctor ASAP, but Doc Lady could not see my that day, so I made an appointment for Wednesday morning. I arrived three minutes before my scheduled appointment, not in much of a hurry, as the receptionist had informed me when the appointment was made that Doc was double-booked and I should bring a FAT book. There were two thoroughly obnoxious children, waiting with their mother, who enjoyed “entertaining” everyone for the first hour of my wait. After they finally exited the waiting room (during which I nearly jumped out of my seat with applause that they were leaving), I picked up the only two magazines in the area….one being an African American magazine with articles about how to satisfy your Black Man or which current rappers are currently angry with Oprah for not having them on her show. The other magazine was one about various muscle cars…..like I don’t know all that information already. HAAA

After a thoroughly tedious two-hour wait for the nurse to call me in, I was finally escorted to the exam room. The nurse asked me why I was here and what I thought might happen because a tick bit me. Let’s see now…deer tick, red rash….Google it! Lyme Disease Nurse-lady! After examining my bite for herself, she left me in the room to await Doc Lady, who arrived 25 minutes later. I think I read every jar, sign and piece of equipment in that room 10 times and was very close to going through the cabinets when she finally showed up

Doc Lady drew me some lovely pictures of different ticks and I was asked to choose my matching tick. I passed with flying colors after already saying it was a deer tick. I then explained that my concern lies in the fact that I am living in a wooded area and my dog has lyme disease, so it is around. The rash did not appear to be a typical Lyme rash, so she gave me my options. I could watch the rash and hope it does not get worse. I could take one dose of antibiotics to nip any possible infection in the bud, or I could take 21 days of antibiotics. The trouble with these meds….they cause stomach upset and severe stomach ulcers. So let me see…decision time….wait and risk permanent damage to my joints and liver, take one dose and at least feel a bit like I tried, or take the full 21 day dosage and risk serious stomach issues. I am afraid I have enough issues with stiff muscles and joints and I am all set with bleeding out my belly button…so I went with the one dose and some wait and watch time. Hell of a group of choices, eh?
So, here I am. Welt is still there, but I feel ok. Took my dose of meds and now have something in common with Isis, my poor Lyme infected pup. I figure with all the mosquitoes sucking my blood at night, I can hope they take the bad Lyme blood while they are giving me West Nile or Equine Encephalitis. Good times!

Ok Then

Men are weird. Ok, I admit it, women are strange too, but since I am a woman and must side with my girls, I will comment on men. :) I have been observing more odd behavior lately. Maybe I am paying more attention or maybe it's just a full moon and it's true what I have heard...men are nuts at the full moon.

Let's see, there is the married man at my stable that I know is constantly staring at my ass. Granted, I have worked hard on forming a more muscular, rounded tookus, but damn...stop gawking. I attempted to ignore the obvious looks, but he has now come to be comfortable enough to tell me on a weekly basis that whatever I am doing is working. I guess I should be grateful. He says it is a definite enhancement....Like I told him, I could use all the enhancement I can get!

Then there is "the waver". This guy, from what I am told, is extremely shy, but sweet and has asked about me. I see him daily and everyday, the same routine....he drives by and waves. I figure another 6 months of waving and maybe we will work up to a hello. Oye ve! I guess I can't talk, I would not be one to just start talking to someone I really did not know. Poor bastard, maybe he is enthralled by my (hopefully in the future) luscious booty. HAAAA!

We can not forget the men at work. They are quite a group. There is the young guy who has MAYBE said hello to me in the hallway once, but otherwise talks to everyone but me in the room and NEVER looks me in the eye. It actually is quite disconcerting to me. Is he afraid I will turn him to stone?? I know I need a haircut and all, but I don't think my curls resemble snakes yet! On the opposite end of the spectrum is "the toucher". He stormed out of the office today after I loudly pronouced my dislike for his touching me. I said it once quietly, I said it again in private with a smack to the hand, third time..it's in public and loud. If I tell you not to touch me after you poke me a couple times and then you rub your hand on my back, I am going to openly protest, I don't care who is standing there. He'll get over it. I think he deserves a bit of embarrassment after telling at least one of the guys I said yes to going out. Note to skeevy men...when I say "mmmaaayyybbbeee" in a sarcastic, drawn out tone, it means NO WAY IN HELL! One would think if I was saying maybe in this tone while backing up after warning one to move his toes or I will run them over, he would realize there was no chance. I do not get it.

I can not finish without mentioning the guy who wants me around on his terms, but always wants every other attractive woman...all the while trying to "find himself" and what will one day make him a happy, successful member of society. Goodluck with that!

Men are nuts, women are nuts. Must be something in the air.......

On A Roll

Two, three, four strikes?? I lost count. Am I out yet? Christ..seems I have fucked up more in the past few weeks than one should seemingly be meant to in a year. I am turning corners constantly and smashing into a stone wall. My sense of mental direction (decision-making skill) SUCKS! The concept of just doing is not working out for me, the consequences have been a bit too daunting for me to take. Sometimes life just seems to short to stop and think about what to do and sometimes I just do not give a shit. Is there a happy medium???

On a more positive note, my friend Nicky is on a good path. He is home and bravely dealing with his chemo treatments. I have confidence he will prevail over this cruel disease, Nicky is one of the most courageous people I know.

The fourth of July holiday is quickly approaching. I will have a much needed four day weekend. My only tentative plan is to go to dinner with Ka and visit Nicky. Also, on the 4th, my Aunt is having her annual cookout. The same old faces I have seen since I was very young will be attending, but that's fine with me. I will enjoy seeing my family, as I do not see them nearly as much as I should or would like. It is another case of watching myself let something important pass by with time, all the while knowing I will regret it later. Why don't I see my family more? I guess "life" seems to get in the way. I believe, however, that I would be more able to live if I was better connected with those who are most important to me. Maybe that is the point of holidays, to bring people together who should be together more, but let daily routines get in the way.

Funny and A Lesson on Life!

A friend of mine sent me this joke...I had to share it.

The pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won. The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in another race, and it won again. The local paper read: PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT. The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in any more races.
The next day, the localpaper headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS. This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get rid ofthe donkey. The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent. The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the nextday: NUN HAS THE BEST ASS IN TOWN.
The Bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10.
The next day the paper read: NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10. This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the high plains where it could run wild.
The next day the headlines read: NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE. Alas;...... the Bishop was buried the next day.

MORAL OF THE STORY?? Being concerned about public opinion can bring you much grief and misery, and even shorten your life. So, be yourself and enjoy life ... STOP WORRYING ABOUT EVERYONE ELSE'S ASS, and you'll live longer and be a lot happier!

Presence

I was not present tonight when I rode my horse. I tried to be there, to pay attention, but ended up trying so hard, it was a mess. What makes it worse, is that I am unsure where I was. Though at first thought it seemed my mind was blank and I could not have one thought, I think more likely, there was so much it was muddled and clouded.

I just finished reading a book, The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho. Via a heartwarming and truely interesting story about a young shepherd boy, he teaches some very important lessons on life. One of the them is a concept I need to focus on more. "If you pay attention to the present, you can improve upon it. And, if you improve on the present, what comes later will also be better. Forget about the future.......Each day, in itself, brings with it an eternity." Worry has consumed me again, forcing out the relaxation and peaceful state of mind I had briefly obtained recently. I know I can return to that place, but right now it seem so far away. I feel myself being pulled in so many directions, both by myself and by those around me. I need to concentrate on what I want and who I am or want to be.

The main theme of Coelho's novel is the idea of a "personal legend" or one's calling in life....the reason for being. I have wondered most of my life what my reason for being could be, and all I have come up with so far, is that I NEED to always be learning. Is my "personal legend" to just learn? There must be more to it than that.

"Whenever we do something that fills us with enthusiasm, we are following our legend (personal calling)."

There are a lot of activities that fill me with enthusiasm. I am most alive when I am spending time outdoors, either biking, walking, spending time with the dogs or horses, but how could this be my calling? Hence forth is my dilemna. I know I need to be outside, I need the companionship of animals and they need me, but when I try to meld these needs and desires into a life, I meet obstacles. Coelho discusses the four obstacles to obtaining one's personal legend. First off, and very true, "we are told from childhood onward that everything we want to do is impossible." Why? Why does it have to be impossible and look upon as frivolous for me to accept my niche in life is to do something with animals? Possibly there is limited money to be made, but I do not want to look back on my life and see dollar signs, I want to see smiles. The second obstacle is love. "We know what we want to do, but are afraid of hurting those around us by abandoning everything in order to pursue our dream." My friends and family want me to be happy, but some seem to think I am choosing a path of foolishness. I do not want to dissappoint anyone, nor make them think I am taking some easy road. There is nothing easy about going against common ideals on life. The last, and possibly greatest obstacle, "fear of defeats". Taking into account the other mentioned issues with obtaining one's personal legend, fear of failure and defeat encompasses them all. Do I have something to prove? I should not. I should be accepted for who I am, and those who love me should enjoy my happiness. Why must we compel those around us to adhere to our own tainted beliefs? I have my own mind, I make my own mistakes, but in the end, my accomplishments will benefit many.

Like A Nightmare

Have you ever been sitting in class, listening to someone speak and then have the teacher ask, "does anyone have anything to say?" You raise your hand right off, eager to sphew out some amazing verbage. But, as you are called on to share your thoughts, all that comes out is "ahhhhhh...hmmmm...yeah...I don't know what I wanted to say." Argh...apparently that is me lately. I have something to say, a lot of somethings to say, but nothing can be melded together to form a coherent thought. Therefore, I find myself just staring at people, wishing they could just read my mind and spare me the need to clarify and explain. On second thought, I fear for anyone who tries to read a mind, which if illustrated, would be similar to the tornado that took Dorothy's house to Oz....all sorts of different items flying about, with that one main item of importance lost in the middle. I wonder when it will land somewhere accessible.

The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly

So much happening these days, seems like too much to even express to everyone. I haven't been good about communicating with my friends lately, therefore I try to keep up on my blogs so no one worries I have gotten my wish and been taken by Aliens to a more peaceful planet. :-)

A friend of mine gave birth to twin girls this past weekend. I am so very happy for her. Col and her husband had been trying since I knew them, well over 5yrs, with no luck. Col suffered through the immense quantity of hormones and other fertility treatments, at times giving up because of the stress. I wished I could have helped her, it was so sad, she wanted a baby more than anything. When I found out that finally, after so many years, it all paid off, I was ecstatic! She deserves to be a Mom, she will be great!! This event is one really good thing to happen lately, something much needed in a time of sadness.

The bad is the waiting all Nicky's loved ones must endure to find out what will happen. I have not heard from my friend since Sunday, I am hoping for more positive news soon.

What is the ugly? My inability to wrap my mind around the good and smile for more than five minutes at at time. The only time I can place my concern and worry on the backburner is when I ride my horse, therefore, that is my new escape. I have neglected her for too long, never realizing that time could help me. I wish I could enjoy other parts of my day the way I used to. Someday...someday I will go back and hopefully be even better.

Afraid of Me

I saw Nicky again today. He seemed better, but the fear in his eyes was dreadfully apparent. I was "saved by the bell" when his nurse came in and asked us to give them 10 mins to wash Nick...I was about to cry.

Ka asked me what would happen if Nicky did die. He would be ok, he believes he will go be with his family and his God. So, what would happen to the rest of us, what would happen to me? I don't know. I just don't know. I guess that is what I am afraid of. I do believe Nicky is strong and will fight as hard as he can. My trouble is, I do not believe I am strong. I am scared because I do not know how I will react. In honesty, I suppose I do not believe in myself. Am I selfish to be worried about myself?? I think I am, but I would willingly take all the fear and pain if it would help my friend. I want to do something for him.....but all I can do is care.

I am convinced that the connection between all of us in the Universe is very powerful and the positive feels and love that all Nicky's friends and family have toward him can help to make him better. I believe in my friend, I believe in my love for him. He will win.

Guilty Pleasures

Last night was a lot of fun. Some friends took me out dancing, something I have not done in a long time. It was exactly what I needed after a somewhat heavy afternoon.

We went to see Nicky in the hospital yesterday. He sounded so upbeat and enthusiastic on the phone in the morning, but by the time we arrived, his first chemo treatment had caught up to him and he was feeling quite ill. It was hard to look in his eyes and see such disappointment. He was excited to have woken up that morning and felt fantastic, he wanted us to see him in that state. Instead, we saw him suffer with a headache and vomit any small amount of drink he had in his stomach. He still looked good for someone who has gone through all that he has. Nicky is a fighter.

Millie suggested was take Nick's friend B with us to dinner in the North End. B needed to get out, he had barely left Nick's side, except to go to work. I had a hard time walking away from Nicky and was on the verge of crying when we got to the restaurant and B consoled me. He is very kind, I felt badly, I should have been comforting him. It was good to know that Nicky has such a kind person watching over him. We had a nice dinner, everyone laughed, despite the weight of worry about our friend.

I felt guilty, as I have for the past few weeks, each time I laughed. I wanted Nicky to be able to go to dinner, and he should have been out dancing. He asked me so many times to go out dancing with him, but I always postponed it. Like Millie said, Nicky would not have wanted me to pause my good time with moments of sadness for him. He would have wanted me to get up and dance the night away. I did my best, Millie and Ka made sure of that. "Lifes too short" is what Millie said, we have to enjoy it when we can. She's right, Nicky's right. I really did enjoy myself last night.

Click

I got hung up on this morning. Though I have always found that action disrespectful and rude, sometimes it's the only way to end a ridiculous phone conversation. I am not quite sure how or why the argument began. I did what I normally do (not on purpose, I might add) and I misused computer terminology. I am a scientist, give me a chemical name and I will get you an MSDS and tell you all about it. I can use a computer, but as far as speaking with proper technical terms, I am sorry...not happening. I do want to learn, I want to understand, but the manner in which I am taught can not leave me feeling demeaned. I have been sitting and wondering if I was in the wrong. I guess getting annoyed at being "preached" at for not knowing what I am talking about was wrong. I could have just listened or maybe hung up myself, but I attempted to explain myself and let my stubborn anger take over. I thought about whether I would get my nostrils all flared up if someone mis-spoke about horses or about some scientific topic...and franky, no I wouldn't. As long as the basic idea gets through, I am not going to nitpick about it. I was actually bitched at by someone from my past who has nothing to do with horses for calling my horse a pony. It's just something we do....seems to make them seem not so big and powerful when horse owners call even the biggest Thoroughbred in the barn a pony. You know I am referring to a large four-legged mammal that whinnies and shits a lot, right?

I guess some people are just extremely particular about their interests. I can not be. I have so many interests and so many things I need to concentrate on, I can't grasp onto one word or phrase and tear it apart, correctly even the slightest grammar error. I will say, the issue I mentioned which sparked said "argument" is resolved. I figured it out, admittedly using a bit of the thoughts angrily expressed to me this morning. I do listen, I just don't like to have every fact overzealously announced to me. Oh well, shit happens, egos take over and arguments ensue. I turned it into a positive and fixed the issue. So, all said and done....time to move on. It is all about learning, right?

Who? Me?

Per my loving Mother, "you have a weird sense of humor." Hee hee, I guess I do. I sent her a story I found online that, for whatever reason, struck me funny. Is it me? Or is this oddly amusing?

Mayor Wants Brothels Kept From Cemeteries
By Associated Press
Tue Jun 6, 7:20 AMUPDATED 6 HOURS 14 MINUTES AGO
SYDNEY, Australia - Brothels and cemeteries don't mix and should remain at least 660 feet apart, a local government official said Tuesday.
Paul Pisasale, the mayor of Queensland state town of Ipswich, is part of a movement being led by the Urban Local Government Association to prevent brothels from being built near cemeteries. Prostitution is legal in Australia in limited circumstances.
"There's a lot of families and services that are going on and the last thing you want is someone conducting a spiritual service and a cemetery reflection time for family and a brothel going on next door," he told the Australian Broadcasting Corp. radio on Tuesday.
"It's totally inappropriate. There's a place for brothels and a place for cemeteries and we don't believe the two mix."

Convos Worth Having

I was chatting with a friend yesterday and we began talking about our blogs. She was writing one about the fact that negative emotions are contagious, and she is right. http://www.blogamy.com/

I think a lot of the reason I have been distancing myself as of late, is due to my wealth of negative feelings towards the world. My patience for humans is nill and I tend to become angry with myself for being so somber.

We also discussed how sometimes friends can take our writings as personal attacks and it makes me stifle the topic about which I really wish to write. I came to the conclusion that my friends should know me well enough to accept the truth that I do not intentionally wish to attack or cause any pain to those I care about. Therefore, my blogs should be taken as an open window into the mind of someone who is not always very open. I guess I do not trust anyone enough to speak my mind in person because I fear the repercussions, but when I write, it is all thrown out there...react how you will. The human ego is a powerful entity, but I can not cater to it by containing my thoughts in my mind. I like to write, I need to write, and I want my friends to know where I am in my life.....even if I am too afraid sometimes to vocalize it.

More Tears

I cried again today for Nicky, but this time they were tears of joy. He called me.. I did not have my phone on me, so when I checked my voicemail...there he was! I do not think I have ever been so relieved to hear anyone's voice. He called me some Italian name (no idea how to spell it, so I won't try) and asked "where the fuck are ya?" That's my Nicky!! I was so relieved to hear his voice, like a cement block was lifted off my heart. I am still worried and not sure what to say, but I will call my friend. I would have given anything to go see him tonight, give him a big hug and whack him for making me cry. But for now, I will be happy that my friend is home and I can talk to him.