Time to Ramble

I am bored today at work. The winter season is fast approaching, (not that one would notice with the 55+ degree weather), so things start to slow down around here. I actually asked one of the Specialists why he has been so quiet, normally he is making me crazy with work. I should have kept my yap shut though, two o’clock came around and he decided to have me set up a job for the next morning. Ah well, it was for a good customer, so no biggie.

I feel like I have something to say. There is a lot of my mind, and they are issues which I am not sure I can resolve and I guess it is getting to me. I did a favor for someone and feel like I might totally get screwed for being too nice AGAIN. A friend of mine is a bit annoyed with me because I am not handling some aspects of my life the way in which she thinks I should. I want to take my time, see what happens. I do not need all the answers right now. Everyone has one’s own pace at which to live and with certain activities in my life, I like to take the slow lane.

Things have been better with Mom. I am not saying we hashed out the issues we have, but at least we are talking in person, rather than simply via email. She is letting me do my own thing and not questioning my every move, which, especially when I am unsure of my own decisions, is best for me. I am seriously rebelling against pressure right now and that is just the way it has to be for a bit. I need my independence, I need to sit back and watch how others affect my life, and realize how I am affecting those around me. The days still pass by in generally the same manner, but I am trying to stay alert and aware of how I feel and why.

Today I feel “blah”. I haven’t been too comfortable in my own skin for the past couple days. Could be PMS, so no point in becoming overly concerned. I am attempting to discern whether there have been any changes in my body shape due to all the exercising I have done. I have been taking training advice and trying to work hard, and I do see a difference, but the pessimist in my does not trust they are good changes. My pants are fitting differently. I would like to believe I am developing the muscles in my lower back and butt, but having my pants tighten on the waist gives me the fear of gaining weight in my lower stomach. I do not have someone who can honestly say, “yes, you do look like you have toned up your behind and are looking fitter.” My back doesn’t hurt nearly as badly any longer, though my hip still slides out of alignment. My legs have gotten stronger, regrettably including my thighs, which I would rather have slimmer rather than more muscled. Will I ever look in the mirror for more than one day at a time and think that I look great? I hope so. Until then, I am going to keep on working out and striving to get better every day.

Eye-Opening Mental Reminder

I awoke this morning with an odd sense of urgency, actually more like panic. This feeling was not overwhelming, just a feeling I had, yet I am unsure as to why. Sadly, this morning was not the first time I woke up to such emotion. In the past I had attributed it to my not wanting to go to work. When I worked at corporate, I hated getting up to go there. I dreaded each week, causing me to lose sleep Sunday nights, even get to the point where my entire Sunday was dreaded, knowing what the next day could entail. Am I there again, panicked about the prospect of going to my job? My current position is not nearly as stressful as my previous employment, but I do not want to come in anymore. I work with good people, and I am good at what I do, but I am not happy. Will coming here become as dreaded as going to corporate? Will I cry Sunday night at the thought of walking through the front door here? I can’t imagine it getting that bad, so where did that rush of urgent upset come from today? I actually had the thought that my body and mind were dreading my morning workout. I have been pushing myself more and hate getting on the treadmill now. It’s important though and I do see improvement, so my lazy body will just have to get over itself.

A lot has been changing lately, but they are changes over which I have no real control. The aspects of my life that I really need to change are up to me. I hate change, I fear change, but I know what is necessary to get me to wake up and look forward to my day. I need to push aside my reservations and dread of making a mistake and jump head first into a new life for myself. I have supportive people around me; I will be ok. These baby steps are not moving me along fast enough, time to lengthen my stride and get a move on.

Things to Think About

It has been an interesting week/weekend. The week wasn't so great, had a few things piss me off, but whatever, I am used to certain bullshit. This weekend was different. I planned to go to the International Beer Festival in Providence, RI last night, but once my friends and I arrived, it was way too crowded with young idiots, we decided to just go to a local bar and have beer there. Someone in line suggested Trinity, a brewery bar, so we headed over and had some good beers and food. It was a fun place and nice to have the time to relax and chat. We then headed out to another barn in the area for a couple more drinks. We did a lot of laughing, much of it at my expense. So much has been going on with my sordid life as of late, my friends were quite amused by it all. The worst part being that one of them already knew some things I didn't think she did. Nothing bad, but not something I was ready to share with her at this time. HAA. Oh well, we all laughed at my utter embarrassment and had a good time.

Today I was able to sleep in, first time in a long time, and then took my horse for a long walk in the woods. She was great and we had the perfect break in the rain for a relaxing ride. Now I am off to make something to eat. I bought a pasta sauce from a little Italian store I found, and can't wait to give it a try with the lovely Italian wine that was suggested to me. Time to wind down and smile about the craziness of life.

How You Doing?

So far today, things have not gone so well. I have been awake since about 3am. Though I expected to wake up with severe back pain due to the exorbitant amount of leaf raking I did yesterday, instead my damn thigh muscles hurt so badly I can barely walk. I forced myself to make it through 2 stiff miles on the treadmill and headed into work. Since arriving here, things have definitely not improved. I had a ton of last minute work dumped on me, I faxed the wrong information to a customer, I knocked the scanner off the desk in a fit of frustration and broke it…..while the boss was watching. I spilled a bunch of water on my lap and got some sort of red crap all over my hands and face…so I look lovely. I also got a haircut this weekend, which is quite the change, and no one has said a word…..making me believe they hate it. (I know, that's my pessimistic imagination at work.)

Despite all this crap and my inner desire to just curl up and cry, I am going to try to keep a positive attitude and believe it will get better. It is only 9:15am, plenty of time to improve the day. I had a good weekend for the most part, nothing exciting, just some good laughs and some good company. That trend needs to continue despite this morning’s events. Wish me luck

Book Club Continues

My second dinner with the book club was another fantastically amusing evening. The ladies in our group are a hoot and we laugh all night long. There were a few complaints about the gruesome aspects of "Life of Pi", but we had a very interesting conversation on the novel. Two of the ladies believed it was a true story, which was an interesting thought in itself. I was struck by what each of us took away from the same story. I was absorbed in the aspects of the animal behavior compared to what the human expected of the animals. Each of the woman had a different aspect of the story that stuck with them.

Our next choice for reading is "Practical Intuition" by Laura Day. I have no idea what this novel will entail, but so far our choices have been fun and intriguing, so I can not wait to start. I also can not wait until the dinner. There is nothing like six outgoing, openminded and somewhat quirky women getting together with some good wine and delicious food.

The rest of my week has been so-so. The cold weather is tough on me. My back and legs have been very sore, making my morning workout very difficult, if it happened at all. This was also a billing close week at work, so the tension level was through the roof in the office. No one who had anything to do with billing was getting along. The field workers would walk in, hear us arguing, and walk right back out again. They are no fools. I am glad the week is over. I was at the end of my rope today.

I am excited that I got in touch with a friend tonight whom I have not spoken too in many years. I happen to be online and see her on AIM. We have so much catching up to do, so I have another dinner to which to look forward. I also have had some positive feedback from another person in my life, so looking forward to where that incident may lead.

It is time to think positive and enjoy those who enjoy me.

Life of Pi

I just finished reading the book for my reading club. Not a moment too soon, as our dinner is tomorrow night. "Life of Pi" by Yann Martel is a fascinating novel and I am now left with quite a bit to think about.

The main point I took away from reading this story, was the fact that we (as in all life) will do anything to survive. In order to survive, one must learn to adapt and when something major changes, all bets are off on how someone or something may react. Survival of the fittest....there is nothing more true to life.

I hate change...always have. The thing is, days, months, even years later, I end up realizing that the change was meant to be and actually brought about events which aided my existence in some manner. I truely believe the Universe does bring us what we need most at the time, even if we are too blinded by our own "inner stories" to recognize it.

When Richard Parker, the bengal tiger, does leave Pi, it is unceremonious and left both Pi and the reader wanting more. Why? Pi goes on with a discertation of what he would have said to his ex-companion and was not allowed, due to the tigers quick exit. Did Richard Parker regret his decision to leap onto land and into the forrest? Probably not. He was surviving, running on instinct. There is no emotional dramas running through his mind. That trait is human. Our egos crave more....an emotional ending, a story to tell (if even just in our own heads). Animals live and survive. They love, they feel pain and sadness...but there is no story, just something that happens and they move on. It is just there. Humans add to the story, make it larger than life. We feed on it, until another story comes along to take our attention. Can this habit be broken? I am damn well going to try and find out.

Smiley

I haven't heard that nickname in a long time. Someone I love dearly used to call me "Smiley", but he lives far away from me now and I don't hear it anymore...until the other day. I was reading a rather amusing email from a friend, therefore I was beaming red with a big smile on my face. One of my co-workers saw me and said "hey Smiley". I stopped and stared at him for a few seconds, taken aback, yet somehow lightened inside when I heard those words. I just smirked at him and walked by. For a couple days I could not remember why those words brought me so much joy...then I remembered Michael. He was someone who ALWAYS made me smile. He loved me as much as I loved him, nothing romantic ever happened...I told everyone I loved him too much to date him. It's ironic sometimes how one is reminded of those most important to our lives, by just the simplest event. I emailed Michael this morning to tell him I miss him. He knows, but I needed to say it yet again.

I love to smile, and not just the smirk to hide how I truely feel, but an ear to ear beaming smile that brightens my entire self. In a better time of my life, I had nicknames like "Smiley" and "Sunshine". I miss those days. I have people around me now who love to make me laugh, they think my silly giggle is amusing. I have been told I make others feel better just by being my goofy self and laughing, so that is what I am going to do. Making people happy is something I enjoy...it makes me feel like my day was worth it. Perhaps the favor will be returned ten-fold.

My latest horoscope: I like it.

"Sweet Venus is being excited by your key planet Uranus. Others will see you as more sociable and charming, and you can use this to your advantage. Unfortunately, someone may try to prevent you from having fun. Acknowledge the resistance you perceive from others, but then go ahead with your unconventional activities anyway. The pleasure is worth the consequences."

So, to all those who want to stifle me....kiss off. There is your acknowledgement! :-)