Corporate America........

I was talking with a friend of mine about corporations and their effects on their employees lives and how it filters into the out-of-work lives of us all. A corporation is an entity made up of a few or hundreds of people doing what they can to make money. Therefore, are the attitudes of these people directly affected by the necessary evils of a corporate existence or is the corporation itself affected by it's people. I think one of the problems is the "shoot first, ask questions later" policy that corporations have. The final purpose of the company is to make money..profit, so do what has to be done to report favorable financial results and down the road, repair the damage done in the rush to produce and grow. In the meantime, the bad employees are taking advantage of the available shortcuts and the good employees are stepped on for at least trying to do what's right, not just for the company, but for the people with whom they come into contact throughout their day. In attempting to keep up and adhere to the bottom line, even the most honest of us are forced to lie and cut corners to make it all look kosher to the higher ups. Now, do we learn this behavior from corporate living or is it something we learned outside our working life and just fine-tune to keep our employers happy? We all take short-cuts at home to get the necessary chores done, we lie because it seems easier than explaining the truth. So...What came first...the corrupt corporate chicken or the eager to succeed egg?

Reeling..........

I think one of the greatest causes of mental suffering is having one's mind spinning so fast with thoughts that they can not be distinguished. My mind is full, but I can't figure out what I am thinking, what I know. The confusion is unbearable. My brain can't stop and all I feel is sad.....made worse by not knowing exactly why. Hormones? Possibly. I guess there is no cure for this feeling but time.

I find it amazing that yesterday I was all about what I have learned and today I feel as though I have learned nothing and am wrought with a lack of knowledge. I guess this is normal for most people. We think we understand ourselves and those around us, but then it hits us...we have so much more to discover and understand. I believe what is best for me, at the moment, is to get through the day to day routine, not worry about the past or the future. Contemplating what was and what may be, will only confuse everything. Today I have to do my job, take care of my flooded barn and pay all my bills. I know, fantastically fun sounding isnt' it?! I wonder if I concern myself so much with what those around me do and think so that I don't have to worry about myself and my own problems. This may be just another form of hiding from reality. Everyone has their own ways of avoiding reality....not a bad thing necessarily, unless "escape time" supersedes and exceeds real life. I also wonder if taking on more responsibilities than one can handle is another way of avoiding...letting oneself get overwhelmed to the point of being the proverbial "deer frozen in the headlights". This way nothing gets done, at least not completely. One's job isn't done to the best of one's ability, extracurricular activities are not quite up to par and relationships are only partial (as far as one's mental presence). I have always believed that when in relationships, people will push aside an actual issue and create one that wasn't there, or make something more important than it really is...like admitting the real issue is a weakness or just too hard. Sometimes we can't even distinguish what the real problem is, we just know we need a change and will change what we think we have the most control over. Why we do that, I have no idea.

What have you learned lately????

Let's see now....I have learned that life is almost too much to handle at times, but there is no choice but to go on and prevail. With dignity? Nope, not always, but damned if I don't try.

As of late, I have tried to absorb as much knowledge about myself as I can, to push aside the bullshit and the emotional baggage that can cloud the truth and get to who I really am and want to be. I want to be strong, but not lose the softness that allows me to love with all my being. I refuse to let the bitterness of the human existence consume or control me. Admittedly, I have given myself up in order to acquiesce to the needs of those around me. It is now going to have to be "all about me." This isn't going to be easy, I am not really good at making life about me, but I deserve it and am going to try my hardest to find that fun-loving goofball that people love so much....that I love so much.

What else have I learned? I have learned there is nothing "mental" about loving someone. When love becomes mental, then it is in danger of being no more. One's heart is a powerful thing and can overcome the mind. I sometimes think that can be a bad thing, but to truly love someone, it is important to be able to almost "shut" one's mind off and just feel. I think this is why I can be so passionate when I really care for someone. Sadly enough, eventually it's time to turn the mind back on and put a "cork" on the emotions and do what is best for all those involved. I can't think of anything harder at the moment. I am hoping once the mind can wrap itself around what the heart has done and said, then there is an infinite amount of information one can learn about the past and one's own capabilities.

So...that's the latest, the mind is jumping with thoughts, but not ready to communicate them as of yet...at least not in entirety.

Uncertainty leads to knowledge.....

I freakin' hope so! I found a quote today that I liked;

"The relationship between commitment and doubt is by no means an antagonistic one. Commitment is healthiest when it is not without doubt but in spite of doubt."

I am not sure if this refers to self-doubt or doubt about the situation...I guess it is all the same in the end. I guess uncertainty/doubt are a part of life that we all have to live with, but it can be so hard. I am not saying I want to always know what will happen tomorrow, but I would like to have the confidence in my own self to find the correct path. At this point I feel like Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz, standing at the fork in the road with the Scarecrow confusing her with multiple answers to the same question. I think the Scarecrow's indecision represents the battle between my heart and my brain. Making decisions and committing to them can be so hard, to accept the consequences of that decision can be hardest of all. I have found that the only thing that comes with adulthood is the necessity to make more and more decisions, and life is getting shorter by the day, so it's important to make the right one. Well, screw adulthood then! This sucks. I want to go back to the days where I hung out all day watching cartoons with Mom home and she brought me the clothes to wear to kindergarden and my breakfast. My brain is so fried now, I can't decide what to even eat anymore. Ah well, guess there isn't much I can do about it now, can't go back in time and can't stop the clock. Adulthood....BAH!

No more whining...

I have decided to move on to bitching. Hey why not? Do what one does best!

So one of the horses got smashed in the face yesterday when he ran into his gate. Poor old thing is mostly blind, so we are very careful not to signal to him to go until the gate is wide open. He is frightened of gates. Anyone with any brains knows to take their time with Britches. Well, this person was in a hurry and doesn't bother to read the horses and control her own body language (which gets to me as well) and she must have given him a sign to go and he bolted head first into the gate, tearing his skin open, needing stitches. The poor thing doesn't trust us now and it will be nearly impossible to get him through a gate again. I spent weeks working with him to get him to walk through gates and now it's all gone, because someone was too selfish to slow down and look after the horse. Britches doesn't have a lot of years left, and to live the rest of them in fear and pain is not fair to a good horse. These animals rely on us to protect them from harm. They may be far bigger, but they need us, and yesterday humans failed Britches. I for one am very disappointed in all of us at the barn for allowing just anyone to handle a special horse like Britches and feel terrible that he has to suffer because of our ignorance.

Welcome to Self-PityVille........
I am tired. Tired of the bullshit of life bringing my down, tired of letting others take advantage of me and then make me feel bad about it. I am just downright tired! I am sick of waking up and feeling like I can't even smile...thinking things are ok will only cause something else to go wrong. I can't seem to trust anything in my life to go right. I should be stronger than this, I should be able to push all this crap aside and go on as the happy, fun person I know that I can be. I feel myself becoming bitter about everything in life and I so don't want to be that person. I enjoy living and playing, but can't seem to find that part of me anymore that can just let go and have fun. She is hidden under this veil of darkness that clouds me. A black cloud always has seemed to float overhead, but it is now coming down and suffocating me. I am determined to find a way through this rough patch. I know I will never be the same, but hopefully I will grow and learn to be better, to be stronger......... not be bitter and angry with the world in the future. I can survive the downfalls of life, I have in the past and I will again...I must believe........