Told to Go

I was told to leave work early today. No, I was not fired...I am not that lucky. It was the fact that I had my head in my trash bucket at my desk that triggered my requested removal. "Don't be spreading your germs here." Ok, I will go, you don't have to tell me twice.

I did not feel well most of the day, actually I didn't feel well most of the weekend, but was trying to ignore it and chock it up to allergies and exhaustion. Today, I just figured it was my state of mind making me sick, but whatever it was, my insides were not happy. I made it home, got some soda and sat on the couch to watch an episode of "General Hospital". I haven't watched a soap opera in a long time. It was good to just sit and vedge out like that. I rarely allow myself to do so, if I am staring quietly at the television, normally my mind is racing. My thoughts, as of late, have been a blurr. I have felt angry, sad, lonely, betrayed, and misunderstood and at other moments I have laughed to the point of pulling facial muscles. I would like a little more of the positive, but those moments have come with people who are a fleeting presence in my life. Those I figured would stick around are the ones most hurting me. Maybe I am best without them, no matter how much time I spend, no one will really understand me. Do they not try? Do I not try? Would I rather no one truly know who I am? I do not readily trust others, so if they get to know the real me...will it blow up in my face? The people I trust not to hurt or judge me are so far away. They can not give me the hug I probably need. They can not see the pain in my eyes...but they know and they are there to lend an ear..or an eye as the emailing case may be. I still need that hug, but it will have to wait. I can not allow myself that moment of weakness with anyone around me. I hope I may someday.

The time change is tough on me. I hate getting home in the dark, especially knowing that I will not be able to work with the horses, but for limited times on the weekend. Needing even the shortest escape, I could not waste this perfect opportunity. I headed to the barn early and decided to take my horse on a quiet trailride. It was nice to get out in the cranberry bogs with her and just enjoy the scenery. Getting past the dump trailers at the garage wasn't too easy, but the guys were good enough to not start any of the trucks until we past, so off Capall and I went.

One great thing about sunset in the fall.....it is utterly gorgeous sometimes. Enjoy.