Sick with Anticipation

I am trying to work, trying to get everything together and make this a productive day. I accomplish one act, only to sit for five or ten minutes just worrying about what I have done. Could I have done what I so dreaded my entire life? Could I have permanently alienated my Mother from my life?

I called her this morning to apologize for forgetting to set something up for her on the computer. I did not want her to think I was intentionally leaving her out. The response I received was cold and stung, reminding me that she would rather not hear my voice, "I don't care." I hung up. I do not think I will bother her again.

My feelings are hurt. I am feeling ignored, despised, and dismissed, so I sent an email. With tears again welling up in my eyes, I told her how I felt. I am depressed, I am lonely and I hate myself for making the one person I thought would always love me turn her back on me. Am I to blame? My mind tells me no, I have a legitimate reason for being angry. My broken-down soul and crushed heart almost have me convinced that everything wrong is my fault. I should not have given into my siblings' taunting. I should have walked away, kept my cool and gone about my business. Instead, I got angry, I lashed out and despite the provocation...it appears I was wrong. I was supposed to be the smart one, the good one, the child who did what was right and expected. Now I am the blacksheep, the selfish, hot-tempered bitch that can not get along with anyone.

I am sorry. I have failed. I am not the perfect child who can keep her shit together despite all odds. I am depressed. I am scared and I am very much alone.