Haunting Memories

I was watching "The Ghost Whisperer" tonight and allowed it to make me cry. Damn tv drama. The main premise of tonight's episode was the relationship between a dead man and his long-abandoned daughter. She did not even know he was dead, and apparently did not care because he had left her when she was three years old.

Would I be notified when my Father dies? Would I care to know, do I care? I have not seen him since I was a teenager, actually I do not recall the last time. After he finally moved out, he tried to keep up the expected visits of once a month, then just holidays...then nothing. I made no attempt, he made no attempt. I do not know how my brother and sister feel about his lack of presence in our lives, and actually I am not sure how I feel. Most of the time I do not think of him, when I do remember his time in my life, the memories are negative. Honestly, I try to remember something about him that will make me smile, but I have nothing. I remember him yelling at us. I remember him threatening my Mother. I remember running and hiding from him while he choked my brother for making too much noise.

Why would I want to know about such a man? Do I want to know him? My curiosity makes me wonder if he thinks about how we are, what his children are doing. Has he ever cried for us? Is he ashamed of what he did to us. Does he simply say that we chose to cut him from his life and he was the victim in this situation? I have often thought of finding him and asking those very questions, but my fear of his giving an emotionless, careless answer is too much. I do not want to be dismissed by him again. Maybe he would apologize and tell me he wished he had been a better father and wants to know his children, but my heart tells me that would not be the case and I would be left with further disappointment. At this point in my life, I do not believe such an experience would be worth it. I could be wrong.....I wish I were wrong.