Guilty Pleasures

Last night was a lot of fun. Some friends took me out dancing, something I have not done in a long time. It was exactly what I needed after a somewhat heavy afternoon.

We went to see Nicky in the hospital yesterday. He sounded so upbeat and enthusiastic on the phone in the morning, but by the time we arrived, his first chemo treatment had caught up to him and he was feeling quite ill. It was hard to look in his eyes and see such disappointment. He was excited to have woken up that morning and felt fantastic, he wanted us to see him in that state. Instead, we saw him suffer with a headache and vomit any small amount of drink he had in his stomach. He still looked good for someone who has gone through all that he has. Nicky is a fighter.

Millie suggested was take Nick's friend B with us to dinner in the North End. B needed to get out, he had barely left Nick's side, except to go to work. I had a hard time walking away from Nicky and was on the verge of crying when we got to the restaurant and B consoled me. He is very kind, I felt badly, I should have been comforting him. It was good to know that Nicky has such a kind person watching over him. We had a nice dinner, everyone laughed, despite the weight of worry about our friend.

I felt guilty, as I have for the past few weeks, each time I laughed. I wanted Nicky to be able to go to dinner, and he should have been out dancing. He asked me so many times to go out dancing with him, but I always postponed it. Like Millie said, Nicky would not have wanted me to pause my good time with moments of sadness for him. He would have wanted me to get up and dance the night away. I did my best, Millie and Ka made sure of that. "Lifes too short" is what Millie said, we have to enjoy it when we can. She's right, Nicky's right. I really did enjoy myself last night.