Presence

I was not present tonight when I rode my horse. I tried to be there, to pay attention, but ended up trying so hard, it was a mess. What makes it worse, is that I am unsure where I was. Though at first thought it seemed my mind was blank and I could not have one thought, I think more likely, there was so much it was muddled and clouded.

I just finished reading a book, The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho. Via a heartwarming and truely interesting story about a young shepherd boy, he teaches some very important lessons on life. One of the them is a concept I need to focus on more. "If you pay attention to the present, you can improve upon it. And, if you improve on the present, what comes later will also be better. Forget about the future.......Each day, in itself, brings with it an eternity." Worry has consumed me again, forcing out the relaxation and peaceful state of mind I had briefly obtained recently. I know I can return to that place, but right now it seem so far away. I feel myself being pulled in so many directions, both by myself and by those around me. I need to concentrate on what I want and who I am or want to be.

The main theme of Coelho's novel is the idea of a "personal legend" or one's calling in life....the reason for being. I have wondered most of my life what my reason for being could be, and all I have come up with so far, is that I NEED to always be learning. Is my "personal legend" to just learn? There must be more to it than that.

"Whenever we do something that fills us with enthusiasm, we are following our legend (personal calling)."

There are a lot of activities that fill me with enthusiasm. I am most alive when I am spending time outdoors, either biking, walking, spending time with the dogs or horses, but how could this be my calling? Hence forth is my dilemna. I know I need to be outside, I need the companionship of animals and they need me, but when I try to meld these needs and desires into a life, I meet obstacles. Coelho discusses the four obstacles to obtaining one's personal legend. First off, and very true, "we are told from childhood onward that everything we want to do is impossible." Why? Why does it have to be impossible and look upon as frivolous for me to accept my niche in life is to do something with animals? Possibly there is limited money to be made, but I do not want to look back on my life and see dollar signs, I want to see smiles. The second obstacle is love. "We know what we want to do, but are afraid of hurting those around us by abandoning everything in order to pursue our dream." My friends and family want me to be happy, but some seem to think I am choosing a path of foolishness. I do not want to dissappoint anyone, nor make them think I am taking some easy road. There is nothing easy about going against common ideals on life. The last, and possibly greatest obstacle, "fear of defeats". Taking into account the other mentioned issues with obtaining one's personal legend, fear of failure and defeat encompasses them all. Do I have something to prove? I should not. I should be accepted for who I am, and those who love me should enjoy my happiness. Why must we compel those around us to adhere to our own tainted beliefs? I have my own mind, I make my own mistakes, but in the end, my accomplishments will benefit many.