Strangers.....
I learned today that my true self is not known to even those I love dearly. I wish I knew why......Am I hiding something, am I that complicated? Verbal communication is not my forte. I seem to be unable to adequately express myself in speech, hence why I write. Today I tried to explain why I feel "stifled" by those around me. It seems so hard to let myself just be, as I fear I will be overwhelmed by my emotions and my mind will take a place on the "back-burner". I felt a lot today, anger, sadness, confusion, love. I am tired.
My animals, I am told, supersede the people in my life. They are important to me, but not more important than those I am close to, I treat them as my equals. If I run to my dogs or my horses, it is because humans have turned me away, and rather than hide in a corner and feel alone, I go to those who will never be too busy or enveloped in themselves. I turn to those who will never judge me, who will never lie. I do not mind when they see my true feelings, as I know it will not be used against me. So many people are practiced at hiding their true thoughts, a talent I have yet to acquire. Would I be better off with this ability? Possibly it would help me build my "wall", but although I have been and will be hurt again, I can not keep myself from loving and trusting in the good in people. Naive as it may seem, every person I have let into my life has a light in them that has warmed my soul and made me a better, more caring person. I have no regrets.
I learned today that my true self is not known to even those I love dearly. I wish I knew why......Am I hiding something, am I that complicated? Verbal communication is not my forte. I seem to be unable to adequately express myself in speech, hence why I write. Today I tried to explain why I feel "stifled" by those around me. It seems so hard to let myself just be, as I fear I will be overwhelmed by my emotions and my mind will take a place on the "back-burner". I felt a lot today, anger, sadness, confusion, love. I am tired.
My animals, I am told, supersede the people in my life. They are important to me, but not more important than those I am close to, I treat them as my equals. If I run to my dogs or my horses, it is because humans have turned me away, and rather than hide in a corner and feel alone, I go to those who will never be too busy or enveloped in themselves. I turn to those who will never judge me, who will never lie. I do not mind when they see my true feelings, as I know it will not be used against me. So many people are practiced at hiding their true thoughts, a talent I have yet to acquire. Would I be better off with this ability? Possibly it would help me build my "wall", but although I have been and will be hurt again, I can not keep myself from loving and trusting in the good in people. Naive as it may seem, every person I have let into my life has a light in them that has warmed my soul and made me a better, more caring person. I have no regrets.
posted by Cairde @ 7:41 PM
2 Comments:
At 11:34 AM,
Ryann said…
thank you for your kind words. It is appreciated.
as far as those walls to hide your feeling behind. I'm a pro. sadly I don't think it ever eliminates hurt and disappointment, just isolates, and reduces the outward appearance of vulnerbility.
At 4:36 PM,
zozosma said…
yeah, building up big ol' walls isn't the answer. and if you're told that you're animals come first well...my personal response is, "so?". our animals are like children to us. and they are our responsibility and they look to us for the care and love they need and deserve. so...so what. i don't think you have an unhealthy perspective. personally. and i know you care very much for the people that you care about. maybe this person, if i'm understanding you correctly, doesn't give you as much as you need?
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