So much....

It's been a busy week. I have had so much to blog about, yet everyday I was too busy to get the time to sit down and write. I am still trying to decide where my best fit would be in life. I am in that frustration mode, in which days just fly by and before I know it a month has passed and nothing, but the weather, has changed (atleast nothing over which I had control). I am still in limbo about Lilac. Her owners (a married couple) are far from agreement on when and who. They want to take Lilac away and bring her to a huge farm in Upstate New York to live out her final days and they want to bring me their 5yr old Thoroughbred off the track. I would prefer to take Lilac's daughter, Lily, as she is 10yrs old and a bit more trained. She is also lame at the moment and I would like to get her back into sound shape. I also work better with mares than I do with geldings. The ex-racehorse's name is Whaleman. His owner assures me that he is a sweetheart, but none the less, he is still a young TB off the racetrack and they are RARELY calm horses. He will need to be worked and constantly handled. Our barn is quiet (at least when I am there) and I like to keep it that way. We shall see.

The main issue I have with this whole horse switch, (other than the fact that I am beyond worried about Lilac and will miss her terribly) is that I am being left in this state of unknowing. At this point I know something will happen, but what and when seem to be up in the air. I was told I have issues with change. Maybe. I think a lot of people do, but I can adjust to change when I am prepared for it. I do not like being told one thing, then the next day having it totally changed on me. I want to plan, I want to be ready....I am tired of waiting. People can be so selfish, they forget how much one's indecisiveness can affect everyone involved. I admit, I am indecisive when it comes to where to go to dinner or what movie to watch, but on the big issues....I do not bring it up until my decision is made. I know I will say goodbye to my old friend, but when remains a mystery which plagues my heart everytime I think of her.

I think I am just frustrated lately with a lot of things. I feel as though I am being dicked around at every corner. The barn, work, home.... At work I have been making mistakes and that angers me. I get half-assed information to work with and the result ends up being completely wrong and I look like an utter moron. I will admit that some of the issue is my complete lack of interest in learning what I am being instructed to do. I am not meant to be in an office and deal with paperwork and accounts and quotes. I do not care about this type of work, but I would still like the proper tools to learn. I take immense pride in my work and I want to do well, so I will keep plugging along no matter how tedious it seems.

A friend of mine is searching for a home to buy. I suggested a couple of my favorites in my own neighborhood. He did like those houses, but he found a few others he preferred more. I gave him advice on where to look and I did a little research for him. He said I am doing better than his last real estate agent. I have often thought of getting involved in real estate. I love architecture and land and finding great houses. I wonder if that could be something for me. Might be worth exploring. I have decided I have nothing to lose, except my pride and happiness if I do not try to better myself by being involved in a career I can be proud of. It is not enough to just do a great job, I have to want to do a great job because I care about the work, not because I hate failing.

I am angry at myself today. A very good friend of mine had surgery today and I honestly forgot until this afternoon. She did not make a point to remind me yesterday, knowing I would worry, but I should have remembered. I wanted to be there for her. She is brave and she is stubborn. I know she will be ok. I wish I were there with my friend...