All The King's Horses

I feel like Humptey-Dumptey...having fallen off the wall, broken into a thousand pieces and no one can help put me back together. Life has seeminly drained me of my ambition, my desires, my confidence, my love. I sit and I think, I walk and I think, I lie in bed and I think....where has it gotten me? Somedays I feel like I have taken 10 steps forward, feeling good, feeling I have learned so much. Other days I feel like it was all a farce and nothing has changed. Is it me? What do others truly see? I have so many people who tell me how great I am, so smart, so beautiful, so much fun. I do not accept their words as anything more than kindness from those who care. I felt so cruel telling one of my friends to stop complimenting me. He means well, but it bothers me. If I do not see such things on my own, I do not want to hear someone else trying to convince me of anything. I am the only person who's opinion matters about me right now, I am the only person who can see the truth.

I am reading a very fascinating book, "The Celestine Prophecy" by James Redfield. It uses an adventure story to demonstrate the ideas taught in so many books about human consciousness. Redfield discusses the concept that each person has an inner energy, and interactions with others changes that energy. Many people, unconsciously feeling a lack of energy, are constantly trying to take it from others they encounter throughout life. This problem with human existence is one reason relationships are so difficult to maintain. Humans tend to have a "me first" attitude, their egos making one believe that what he/she wants must take precedence, and this thought process usually leaves one person being forced to give in to another. I have come to realize what I have done in my past relationships has doomed them to failure. My determination to make my partner happy makes it necessary to stifle my own wants/desires and put the majority of my personal energy toward doing what will make him content. I can not blame anyone for this problem, I caused it myself. I gave myself up for someone else, and then after a time I became bitter. There was no going back with such a precadence having been set, so I gave up on love and left. I am angry with myself for making such a mistake. It was an immature decision, but I was young and inexperienced. If love passes my way again, I hope to make better decisions, I hope to find someone who will accept me and allow me to live my way, as much as I will want him to do the same. I am not ready yet. I am still too sad, frustrated and bitter to open myself to another person. I have no one who really knows me, only because I give everyone bits and pieces...having the whole gives too much control. My trust in myself and in others is gone...I hope to earn it back.