I Wonder

The past two days, I have either been depressed over the untimely loss of a good friend or utterly confused at where I am or what I want. I sit here each night wondering "what the hell has happened?". I am not where I want to be, I am not where I would have believed I would find myself. I am angry, I am sad, I am absent.

Losing Nicky has shown me that life is short, so why the fuck do I waste it worrying about the day to day bullshit? I want things, but I sit and I wait for them to come to me. I read once that if one wants something bad enough, the Universe will make it so. I have seen that idea to be true, but why wait? Why do I not just get up and make it happen for myself, rather than taking bits and pieces at a time until the puzzle is complete?

My self-esteem, my emotions, my thoughts are shattered.....Both by the loss of my friend and by the recognition that as much as I hate change and repel it with all my might, it happens. I have always believed that I wanted to live in a remote area, the woods, or by the beach where my nearest neighbor was at least 5 miles away. The other night, while watching some silly movie which took place in New York City, I actually had the thought that I might like to live in the big city. I might enjoy living in an apartment in the middle of a large city; a place from where I could walk to all my destinations and encounter an exorbitant amount of people and events. As much as the actions of most Humans annoy me, I do enjoy people watching. Does my new sense of confusion give me this need to "learn" from observing others? The mere thought of myself in the city sent shock waves throughout my body. Who thought that? How could something I have been against for so long suddenly appear appealing?

Again....left confused and needing answers. Will they come? Only time will tell.....