Played

I am so tired, my mind so exhausted that it is unable to move my body. I have tried to turn my mind to some thoughts that will inspire me, but other than the 20 minute burst of energy I had at the barn this morning, I just want to lie on the floor and not move.

Nicky has lung cancer. I was told not to tell anyone, but figure this venue is safe because I am not close enough to fellow employees to give them insight into my blog. His family does not want many people to know at this time, I understand. I do not know what to do, I do not know what to say. Mom keeps saying, "he is young, they can do surgery and remove the tumor." I hope she is right.

This is a long weekend, due to the Memorial Day holiday. I just hope three days is enough time to pull myself together and return to the daily grind as if nothing is wrong. I am not good at pretending, but I will try. I can laugh at jokes, chat with the guys, but my eyes won't lie. It seems a constant tear lingers, no matter what I do. My tears will not save Nicky, but they will remain until I know he is our of pain....one way or another.

What'd I do?

Ever get the feeling that everyone is pissed off at you and you cannot think of what you did? Well, that is how I have felt lately. It seems everyone with whom I come into contact is someone perturbed by my presence. Though, the more I think about it, I realize it is probably me projecting my own emotions onto everyone else. I have been pushing people away, trying to be alone and figure things out. I read in a book once, “give the world what you believe the world is withholding from you, and you will receive it back in abundance.” What am I holding back on? Trust, patience, sincere concern….. I guess my wall is up these days and it is interfering with any peaceful coexistence with others. I need to drop the stubborn crankin-tude that I have and be grateful that there are friends around me that deserve better from me.

There has been a lot happening lately, and I admit, I do not deal real well with change, especially when I have absolutely no control over it. I am still waiting to hear the fate of my friend Nick, and that is making me crazy. Life at the barn has been changing lately, horses in and out, duties changing. I have been attempting to push my personal life aside, to the objections of some, but I feel like it needs to take a back burner to my responsibilities. I am getting that “itch” again, time for a change. What do I have to do this time to subdue that need? I wish I knew. My list of decisions seems to be growing by the day, yet I want to put is all on hold and just wait with baited breath for news that Nicky will be ok. If only we could pause time, some things are just too important to only have in the back of one’s mind, but in order to keep going through they day to day drudgery, that is where I must place my concern for Nicky. That fact is not fair. I am overwhelmed…does that make me selfish? Am I only thinking of myself?? I must be a nut. I worry now that I am not worrying enough, but when has worry ever helped me? It has helped me into some back pain, helped me shed far too many tears, helped me lose people close to me. I need to remember, ““You can't change the past, but you can ruin the present by worrying about the future”

Wake Up Call

It is amazing how in less than 20 seconds, in reading an email, all the trivial issues that can invade one's mind will be wiped away. I found out this morning that a very good friend of mine is extremely ill. He is in coronary intensive care and not doing well. Though I do not see him very often, Nicky has always been special to me and I love him dearly. He was my first true friend at work and has always been there to help me and make me laugh. Right now nothing is more important than Nicky getting better. I feel helpless, all I can do is hope. A 26 year old, extremely kind, loving person should not go through such pain....Nicky is full of dreams and he needs his time to fulfill them.

Stop The Insanity!

The famous phrase coined by exercise guru Susan Powter are words to live by. I was led to remembering that extremely energetic woman when I saw Google's latest quote of the day, "Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results." - Albert Einstein. How many times will you see someone like Susan Powter and Albert Einstein quoted in the same paragraph..haaa, seems fitting. I have realized that I have been "insane" in the manner in which I have lived in the past...repeating the same stupid mistakes (even worse, all the while realizing they were mistakes) and expecting some sort of positive outcome. Well...NO MORE.

Now, this post is certainly no declaration that I will never make another mistake, because I am a professional at making bad choices, but from now on I WILL learn from them. The whole point of living is to learn and gain knowledge, so if I do not realize what I have done wrong and why, then I am not really living and that is just a waste of precious time.

I have to share a little story from a friend of mine. Her daughter, Emm, 3years old, was not feeling well, dizzy with a headache. She turned to her grandmother and said, "Nana, I just can't get my head together." Oh my, she is so cute. Welcome to the world of adults! How many times have any of us said that, and we did not have the excuse of being a sick 3 year old. Nothing more honest than the words of an innocent child.

A New Day

This time last week I felt like I wanted to die. Everything was too much...too much all at once. I am better this week, I have had time to be alone and heal. The rain has not helped anyone's mood, it doesn't seem to want to stop, but I am doing my best to not let it bring me down...even going so far as to annoy others by saying, "just think of how lovely and green everything will be when it stops." I know, no one wants to hear that after it has poured for a week straight. It will end....I even saw the sun for about 10 minutes tonight.

Summertime is coming and I am excited about some new endeavors and potential positive turns in my life. I won't curse them by stating my exact plants, but I will remain optimistic. At this time, optimism is all I have. Well, optimism and some really great friends encouraging me.

Mother Nature...I am begging you.

It needs to stop raining. I just checked the extended forecast...and guess what....it's going to rain. I know that the mal-feelings which accompany extended periods of rainy weather are all in our heads, but still...come on now!

I guess the weather pretty much corresponds with my mood these days. I want to be alone, I want to mourn Tony, I want to heal from the pains of recent events, I do not want to answer anymore questions. Stop asking me how I am, I might eventually sphew out an answer no one wants to hear. I am feeling hostile, I can not even answer an email without the semblance of some annoyance at having to feign contentment. It is not that I do not appreciate everyone's concern and their desire to make me feel better, but I can not, nor do I want to feel better right now. I just want to be.....this too shall pass.

My Baby Boy

This is Tony. He died today. I have loved this cat for the past 16 years, and will love him always. It is hard to bury one of your best friends. He will be missed more than I can express. I will be continually grateful for all the fantastic memories I have with Tony, we have been through so much together. My heart is broken....

FA LA LA LA LA

I sang today! I know, just that statement does not mean much, but to me, it is huge. I love to sing, I love music, so for me to drive my car without my tunes going and singing along to just about every song on the radio is not normal (remember, I mean normal for me). If anyone has any doubts as to what my mood is at a certain time...if the radio is on low or off completely....run! No music equals unhappy girl. Today was the first day in far too long that I sang just about the entire ride to work. I sang Nickelback songs, Shania Twain tunes, Elton John, and the list goes on. It felt good. For me, this is a breakthrough. Just ask my Mom, when we would drive together, I would be singing the whole time, so she would change the station in attempts to find a song I didn't know....well, if I did not know the particular tune at first, I knew it by the second verse....a little talent of mine. :)

Another aspect of this day that was great, the weather! Granted, I am stuck inside for most of the day, but I had my window wide open and a shortsleeve shirt and I wasn't cold! I was actually kind of warm. Fantastic! I also was complimented on how I looked in this shirt, so that helped. Plus, on top of all that, I think I am a bit closer to convincing the Bossman to allow me to go to 40hr OSHA training so I can do some field work. WOOT, the great outdoors!

Ames sent a heartwarming email I wanted to share. What a gal! I love my sarcastic, yet amazingly caring friends.
"i love ya...more than my tevas. AND, if it came down to it i would choose you over chocolate!"

Ames - right back at ya babe!!

"Thank-you for you. You make a difference for me".

A very good friend sent that message to me. It is something I would like to say to all the caring people in my life, so I figured I would post it. Thank you all! As much as I complain and worry and am sad, I have so many people who I know are there for me whenever I need them. I constantly feel as though I do not express enough appreciation. I am a writer (well, someone who likes to write anyway), so I guess this is my way.

I had to take my dogs to the vet last night. I was worried about Isis, she has been quite sore on her front legs and has a new mass in her chest. According to the vet, they are fatty tumors and no worry, but like I tell everyone, Isis is a god-sent and I can not imagine life without her. I know someday I will have only memories, but not yet, we are not done sharing life. It was so cute to watch each of them worry about the other as the doctor looked them over. Kayla kept attempting to pull over to her sister and wagged her tail ferociously trying to get the doctors attention from Isis. Isis panted with utter frustration at not being able to save her sister from the big, mean doctor. They are good girls, I am blessed to have them. Also, I must add how proud "the Mumma" and I are that Isis did not go with her original instinct and attempt to bite the vet in the face. Kudos my little chow-chow! Muzzles are no fun and she's no dummy...anymore. :)

Another Quote Worth Sharing

D sent me another good one. I had to post it....

"The reward for conformity was that everyone liked you except yourself." Rita Mae Brown

The Rumor Mill - Up and Running

There is a rumor floating around my office that there might be something “going on” between myself and one of the foreman. How does one say there is a better chance that I will find religion and join a convent than this man and I having any relationship outside of work? Don’t get me wrong, he is a nice guy, but a bit more than tweaked in the head. Some of the stories that he has told about past relationships would make anyone, other than the oddest of women, run for the hills! I have told everyone here I do not date people with whom I work, but apparently he does not think this concept applies to him. After spending 15minutes last week trying to get him to back away from car so I could leave, I am told he came into the office and bitched at one of my coworkers for telling me things that this man has told the other guys about his past. What?! Am I deaf? I can’t hear them all talking in the next room? I do not need to hear any stories…the answer is NO.

I guess I am too nice and have to be a bit more blunt than saying “get away from me, you freaking pervert” and outright tell this character to stop asking me out and stop talking to the others about me. I do not want someone lurking behind me in a doorway sniffing my hair while I talk to one of the specialists. Doing that and then telling me my hair smells nice is NOT a compliment! I do not want someone telling the other guys that he is sure I am a lot wilder than I “pretend” to be. I am not wild at work, and that is all that should matter to any of them. It is time to handle this little problem….

All I can say is eeeewwwwww! I think I need to go shower now!

From A Good Friend

A friend of mine sent me this story.....


Small story - man falls into a hole and hollers for help - a doctor walks by - man shouts up can you help me doc? Doc writes a prescription and walks away. Minister walks by - agian the man hollers - can you help me minister? Minister writes a prayer and throws it down to the man - walks away. A friend walks by - man says can you help me friend? Friend jumps into the hole - man says - are you crazy now were both here. Friend says - Ive been here before and I know the way out------

-Your friend

Just Feel Better

As I am not a computer geek who knows how to post links to play songs or videos, I decided I will just post the lyrics to a song that describes how I feel at this moment. The song is by Santana, featuring Steven Tyler of Aerosmith.

"Just Feel Better"

She said I feel stranded
And I can't tell anymore
If we coming or I'm going
It's not how I planed it
I've got a key to the door
But it just won't open

And I know, I know, I know
Part of me says let it go
That life happens for a reason
I don't, I don't, I don't
Because it never worked before
But this time, this time

I'm gonna try anything to just feel better
Tell me what to do
You know I can't see through the haze around me
And I do anything to just feel better

And I can't find my way
Girl I need a change
And I do anything to just feel better
Any little thing that just feel better

She said I need you to hold me
I'm a little far from the shore
And I'm afraid of sinking
You're the only one who knows me
And who doesn't ignore
That my soul is weeping

I know, I know, I know
Part of me says let it go
Everything must have it seasons
Round and round it goes
And every day's the one before
But this time, this time

I'm gonna try anything that just feels better
Tell me what to do
You know I can't see through the haze around me
And I do anything to just feel better

And I can't find my way
God I need a change
And I do anything to just feel better
Any little thing that just feel better

Long to hold you in my arms
To all things I ought to leave behind, yeah
It's really getting old
I think I need a little help this time!

Yeah
[Guitar solo]

I'm gonna try anything to just feel better
Tell me what to do
You know I can't see through the haze around me
And I do anything to just feel better

And I can't find my way
God I need a change
And I do anything to just feel better
Any little thing that just feel better

Reposted....someone helped me add the video. Thank you.

Santana
Lyrics

Santana
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