What'd I do?

Ever get the feeling that everyone is pissed off at you and you cannot think of what you did? Well, that is how I have felt lately. It seems everyone with whom I come into contact is someone perturbed by my presence. Though, the more I think about it, I realize it is probably me projecting my own emotions onto everyone else. I have been pushing people away, trying to be alone and figure things out. I read in a book once, “give the world what you believe the world is withholding from you, and you will receive it back in abundance.” What am I holding back on? Trust, patience, sincere concern….. I guess my wall is up these days and it is interfering with any peaceful coexistence with others. I need to drop the stubborn crankin-tude that I have and be grateful that there are friends around me that deserve better from me.

There has been a lot happening lately, and I admit, I do not deal real well with change, especially when I have absolutely no control over it. I am still waiting to hear the fate of my friend Nick, and that is making me crazy. Life at the barn has been changing lately, horses in and out, duties changing. I have been attempting to push my personal life aside, to the objections of some, but I feel like it needs to take a back burner to my responsibilities. I am getting that “itch” again, time for a change. What do I have to do this time to subdue that need? I wish I knew. My list of decisions seems to be growing by the day, yet I want to put is all on hold and just wait with baited breath for news that Nicky will be ok. If only we could pause time, some things are just too important to only have in the back of one’s mind, but in order to keep going through they day to day drudgery, that is where I must place my concern for Nicky. That fact is not fair. I am overwhelmed…does that make me selfish? Am I only thinking of myself?? I must be a nut. I worry now that I am not worrying enough, but when has worry ever helped me? It has helped me into some back pain, helped me shed far too many tears, helped me lose people close to me. I need to remember, ““You can't change the past, but you can ruin the present by worrying about the future”