Feeling the need....

Now take your mind out of the gutter, I mean I feel the need to write. I am just unsure on what I want to say. I feel a bit in limbo at the moment, therefore I do not want to write anything until I have come through this "moment" in my life. I was thinking last night that life is like traveling down train tracks, coming to obstacles along to way and going through those dark tunnels. I hate those tunnels, but I try to remember that the tunnel always ends and gives way to light. When I broke my jaw 5 or so years ago, I told someone close to me that I felt like I was going through a dark tunnel and I hoped he would be there when I got through, but if not, I understood. People can not always wait for someone else to make their way through these times, there is so much uncertainty. But you know what he said..."I would like to go through the tunnel with you." I was so taken aback, so impressed, so happy to have someone in my life that cared so much. We can not always have someone to walk us through these "tunnels", sometimes one needs to get through them alone, but I like to believe that there will be someone waiting for me at the other end...cheering me on to reach the next phase in my life. Whether giant steps or baby steps, as long as I step forward, I know I will be ok.

When I take a look at my life right now, there is nothing happening that is so serious as to throw me into turmoil. There are so many people around the world who suffer every day, trying to survive circumstances which I could not even fathom. I try so hard not to be selfish and concentrate on my own problems, but I have come to accept that this is an inescapable human trait...we are selfish and self-centered. I believe part of growing is learning to push these traits aside and do our best to help those around us endure whatever hardships they might have to overcome. A very good friend of mine is going through a rough time in her marriage and I wish I could help her. I have never been married, so it is impossible for me to say I understand excactly what she is going through. She also has a son to worry about, a huge responsibility and it is up to her to try to make the best life for him until he can make one for himself. She is an amaazing woman for surviving some of the rough times that she has, and I am proud to know her. I would hope that I could be as strong. I have been through some rough times, but in hindsite it didn't take much perseverence to get through them. I just trudged along and somehow found my way. I think now, as I get older, I would like to put a lot more effort into life, rather than just get by. I hate just getting by, I want to feel like I succeeded at something important. I mastered the art of "getting by" when I was in school, just was lucky enough to get good grades with minimal effort. What am I going to try to succeed at now?? Well, no grand schemes as of yet...except just making a life that I can look back at and be proud of. I guess that is what everyone wants, so I am no different. The difference lies in how one goes about this goal. I think I will go about it with that air of defiance and silliness that I am so good at rolling together into my character. :)