Reasons............

I am sitting her listening to Christmas music on the one station which comes in on my radio, all the time wishing I had an Audio Slave or Seether cd in the radio. I did sing a couple lines of Rudolph though.

I am not sure how the conversation came about, but I was chatting with one of the guys at work Friday and he asked me where my Dad was. I told him I was not quite sure, but I knew where he last lived (12 or so years ago). He is actually not far from where I am now, if he still lives in that house I remember. My coworker, Chris, is a Dad of a little girl, so the thought of a daughter not wanting to talk to her father is upsetting to him. He kept asking me why I do not want to contact him. I said because he was an alcoholic who was mean and never seemed to like me. I tried to explain how he left us and has made no effort to contact me or my siblings, so why should I?. As I told Chris all these generic reasons for not having contact with my father, I was picturing, in the back of my head, my father holding that large kitchen knife up to my Mom's throat while I sat next to her in front of our house. What kind of man does that to a woman, never mind in front of his young daughter? He was angry, most likely had been drinking, but that is no excuse. I will never get that picture out of my head, therefore I will never forgive him. My Mom has always been there for me, my brother and my sister. She has done as much as she can for us, without his help. I do not need to see him, nor speak to him and frankly, I would much rather not. If I could erase the memories my Mom has of him, I would. He left her with guilt for choosing such a lousy husband, one who does not care what happens to his own children. My Mom deserved better, he did not deserve her. There are times I feel anger toward my father, but normally I feel absolutely nothing towards him. I feel sadness and sympathy for my Mom for the pain she still feels because of her past with him. I want my Mom to be happy, I want her to look back on her life and smile. I want her to wake up proud of her accomplishments as a caring mother and an intelligent woman who has done well without the help of a man. I want her to know I love her more than life itself and I appreciate everything she has ever done for me. I can never repay my Mom, just as I can never forgive my Dad.