Pita Thoughts

Necessary Changes

2006-11-15T19:46:00.000-05:00

I made a decision today. It may seem minute to some, but it is important. I am changing anything related to the nickname Pita. It was given to me by a friend at work many years ago, then taken on by someone else in my life, which made it take on less than amusing and more negative connotations. I am not a pain in the ass. I am a good person who loves greatly and deserves to be loved and respected. I have new people in my life who believe me to be "a gift". I am going to go with that, as silly as it seems to me at times. I will still be blogging, but not here. Time to move on.....and I am loving it!!!

Time to Ramble

2006-11-15T12:50:00.000-05:00

I am bored today at work. The winter season is fast approaching, (not that one would notice with the 55+ degree weather), so things start to slow down around here. I actually asked one of the Specialists why he has been so quiet, normally he is making me crazy with work. I should have kept my yap shut though, two o’clock came around and he decided to have me set up a job for the next morning. Ah well, it was for a good customer, so no biggie.

I feel like I have something to say. There is a lot of my mind, and they are issues which I am not sure I can resolve and I guess it is getting to me. I did a favor for someone and feel like I might totally get screwed for being too nice AGAIN. A friend of mine is a bit annoyed with me because I am not handling some aspects of my life the way in which she thinks I should. I want to take my time, see what happens. I do not need all the answers right now. Everyone has one’s own pace at which to live and with certain activities in my life, I like to take the slow lane.

Things have been better with Mom. I am not saying we hashed out the issues we have, but at least we are talking in person, rather than simply via email. She is letting me do my own thing and not questioning my every move, which, especially when I am unsure of my own decisions, is best for me. I am seriously rebelling against pressure right now and that is just the way it has to be for a bit. I need my independence, I need to sit back and watch how others affect my life, and realize how I am affecting those around me. The days still pass by in generally the same manner, but I am trying to stay alert and aware of how I feel and why.

Today I feel “blah”. I haven’t been too comfortable in my own skin for the past couple days. Could be PMS, so no point in becoming overly concerned. I am attempting to discern whether there have been any changes in my body shape due to all the exercising I have done. I have been taking training advice and trying to work hard, and I do see a difference, but the pessimist in my does not trust they are good changes. My pants are fitting differently. I would like to believe I am developing the muscles in my lower back and butt, but having my pants tighten on the waist gives me the fear of gaining weight in my lower stomach. I do not have someone who can honestly say, “yes, you do look like you have toned up your behind and are looking fitter.” My back doesn’t hurt nearly as badly any longer, though my hip still slides out of alignment. My legs have gotten stronger, regrettably including my thighs, which I would rather have slimmer rather than more muscled. Will I ever look in the mirror for more than one day at a time and think that I look great? I hope so. Until then, I am going to keep on working out and striving to get better every day.

Eye-Opening Mental Reminder

2006-11-13T09:01:00.000-05:00

I awoke this morning with an odd sense of urgency, actually more like panic. This feeling was not overwhelming, just a feeling I had, yet I am unsure as to why. Sadly, this morning was not the first time I woke up to such emotion. In the past I had attributed it to my not wanting to go to work. When I worked at corporate, I hated getting up to go there. I dreaded each week, causing me to lose sleep Sunday nights, even get to the point where my entire Sunday was dreaded, knowing what the next day could entail. Am I there again, panicked about the prospect of going to my job? My current position is not nearly as stressful as my previous employment, but I do not want to come in anymore. I work with good people, and I am good at what I do, but I am not happy. Will coming here become as dreaded as going to corporate? Will I cry Sunday night at the thought of walking through the front door here? I can’t imagine it getting that bad, so where did that rush of urgent upset come from today? I actually had the thought that my body and mind were dreading my morning workout. I have been pushing myself more and hate getting on the treadmill now. It’s important though and I do see improvement, so my lazy body will just have to get over itself.

A lot has been changing lately, but they are changes over which I have no real control. The aspects of my life that I really need to change are up to me. I hate change, I fear change, but I know what is necessary to get me to wake up and look forward to my day. I need to push aside my reservations and dread of making a mistake and jump head first into a new life for myself. I have supportive people around me; I will be ok. These baby steps are not moving me along fast enough, time to lengthen my stride and get a move on.

Things to Think About

2006-11-12T15:45:00.000-05:00

It has been an interesting week/weekend. The week wasn't so great, had a few things piss me off, but whatever, I am used to certain bullshit. This weekend was different. I planned to go to the International Beer Festival in Providence, RI last night, but once my friends and I arrived, it was way too crowded with young idiots, we decided to just go to a local bar and have beer there. Someone in line suggested Trinity, a brewery bar, so we headed over and had some good beers and food. It was a fun place and nice to have the time to relax and chat. We then headed out to another barn in the area for a couple more drinks. We did a lot of laughing, much of it at my expense. So much has been going on with my sordid life as of late, my friends were quite amused by it all. The worst part being that one of them already knew some things I didn't think she did. Nothing bad, but not something I was ready to share with her at this time. HAA. Oh well, we all laughed at my utter embarrassment and had a good time.

Today I was able to sleep in, first time in a long time, and then took my horse for a long walk in the woods. She was great and we had the perfect break in the rain for a relaxing ride. Now I am off to make something to eat. I bought a pasta sauce from a little Italian store I found, and can't wait to give it a try with the lovely Italian wine that was suggested to me. Time to wind down and smile about the craziness of life.

How You Doing?

2006-11-06T09:22:00.000-05:00

So far today, things have not gone so well. I have been awake since about 3am. Though I expected to wake up with severe back pain due to the exorbitant amount of leaf raking I did yesterday, instead my damn thigh muscles hurt so badly I can barely walk. I forced myself to make it through 2 stiff miles on the treadmill and headed into work. Since arriving here, things have definitely not improved. I had a ton of last minute work dumped on me, I faxed the wrong information to a customer, I knocked the scanner off the desk in a fit of frustration and broke it…..while the boss was watching. I spilled a bunch of water on my lap and got some sort of red crap all over my hands and face…so I look lovely. I also got a haircut this weekend, which is quite the change, and no one has said a word…..making me believe they hate it. (I know, that's my pessimistic imagination at work.)

Despite all this crap and my inner desire to just curl up and cry, I am going to try to keep a positive attitude and believe it will get better. It is only 9:15am, plenty of time to improve the day. I had a good weekend for the most part, nothing exciting, just some good laughs and some good company. That trend needs to continue despite this morning’s events. Wish me luck

Book Club Continues

2006-11-03T19:31:00.000-05:00

My second dinner with the book club was another fantastically amusing evening. The ladies in our group are a hoot and we laugh all night long. There were a few complaints about the gruesome aspects of "Life of Pi", but we had a very interesting conversation on the novel. Two of the ladies believed it was a true story, which was an interesting thought in itself. I was struck by what each of us took away from the same story. I was absorbed in the aspects of the animal behavior compared to what the human expected of the animals. Each of the woman had a different aspect of the story that stuck with them.

Our next choice for reading is "Practical Intuition" by Laura Day. I have no idea what this novel will entail, but so far our choices have been fun and intriguing, so I can not wait to start. I also can not wait until the dinner. There is nothing like six outgoing, openminded and somewhat quirky women getting together with some good wine and delicious food.

The rest of my week has been so-so. The cold weather is tough on me. My back and legs have been very sore, making my morning workout very difficult, if it happened at all. This was also a billing close week at work, so the tension level was through the roof in the office. No one who had anything to do with billing was getting along. The field workers would walk in, hear us arguing, and walk right back out again. They are no fools. I am glad the week is over. I was at the end of my rope today.

I am excited that I got in touch with a friend tonight whom I have not spoken too in many years. I happen to be online and see her on AIM. We have so much catching up to do, so I have another dinner to which to look forward. I also have had some positive feedback from another person in my life, so looking forward to where that incident may lead.

It is time to think positive and enjoy those who enjoy me.

Life of Pi

2006-11-01T19:43:00.000-05:00

I just finished reading the book for my reading club. Not a moment too soon, as our dinner is tomorrow night. "Life of Pi" by Yann Martel is a fascinating novel and I am now left with quite a bit to think about.

The main point I took away from reading this story, was the fact that we (as in all life) will do anything to survive. In order to survive, one must learn to adapt and when something major changes, all bets are off on how someone or something may react. Survival of the fittest....there is nothing more true to life.

I hate change...always have. The thing is, days, months, even years later, I end up realizing that the change was meant to be and actually brought about events which aided my existence in some manner. I truely believe the Universe does bring us what we need most at the time, even if we are too blinded by our own "inner stories" to recognize it.

When Richard Parker, the bengal tiger, does leave Pi, it is unceremonious and left both Pi and the reader wanting more. Why? Pi goes on with a discertation of what he would have said to his ex-companion and was not allowed, due to the tigers quick exit. Did Richard Parker regret his decision to leap onto land and into the forrest? Probably not. He was surviving, running on instinct. There is no emotional dramas running through his mind. That trait is human. Our egos crave more....an emotional ending, a story to tell (if even just in our own heads). Animals live and survive. They love, they feel pain and sadness...but there is no story, just something that happens and they move on. It is just there. Humans add to the story, make it larger than life. We feed on it, until another story comes along to take our attention. Can this habit be broken? I am damn well going to try and find out.

Smiley

2006-11-01T08:14:00.000-05:00

I haven't heard that nickname in a long time. Someone I love dearly used to call me "Smiley", but he lives far away from me now and I don't hear it anymore...until the other day. I was reading a rather amusing email from a friend, therefore I was beaming red with a big smile on my face. One of my co-workers saw me and said "hey Smiley". I stopped and stared at him for a few seconds, taken aback, yet somehow lightened inside when I heard those words. I just smirked at him and walked by. For a couple days I could not remember why those words brought me so much joy...then I remembered Michael. He was someone who ALWAYS made me smile. He loved me as much as I loved him, nothing romantic ever happened...I told everyone I loved him too much to date him. It's ironic sometimes how one is reminded of those most important to our lives, by just the simplest event. I emailed Michael this morning to tell him I miss him. He knows, but I needed to say it yet again.

I love to smile, and not just the smirk to hide how I truely feel, but an ear to ear beaming smile that brightens my entire self. In a better time of my life, I had nicknames like "Smiley" and "Sunshine". I miss those days. I have people around me now who love to make me laugh, they think my silly giggle is amusing. I have been told I make others feel better just by being my goofy self and laughing, so that is what I am going to do. Making people happy is something I enjoy...it makes me feel like my day was worth it. Perhaps the favor will be returned ten-fold.

My latest horoscope: I like it.

"Sweet Venus is being excited by your key planet Uranus. Others will see you as more sociable and charming, and you can use this to your advantage. Unfortunately, someone may try to prevent you from having fun. Acknowledge the resistance you perceive from others, but then go ahead with your unconventional activities anyway. The pleasure is worth the consequences."

So, to all those who want to stifle me....kiss off. There is your acknowledgement! :-)

Told to Go

2006-10-30T19:10:00.000-05:00

I was told to leave work early today. No, I was not fired...I am not that lucky. It was the fact that I had my head in my trash bucket at my desk that triggered my requested removal. "Don't be spreading your germs here." Ok, I will go, you don't have to tell me twice.

I did not feel well most of the day, actually I didn't feel well most of the weekend, but was trying to ignore it and chock it up to allergies and exhaustion. Today, I just figured it was my state of mind making me sick, but whatever it was, my insides were not happy. I made it home, got some soda and sat on the couch to watch an episode of "General Hospital". I haven't watched a soap opera in a long time. It was good to just sit and vedge out like that. I rarely allow myself to do so, if I am staring quietly at the television, normally my mind is racing. My thoughts, as of late, have been a blurr. I have felt angry, sad, lonely, betrayed, and misunderstood and at other moments I have laughed to the point of pulling facial muscles. I would like a little more of the positive, but those moments have come with people who are a fleeting presence in my life. Those I figured would stick around are the ones most hurting me. Maybe I am best without them, no matter how much time I spend, no one will really understand me. Do they not try? Do I not try? Would I rather no one truly know who I am? I do not readily trust others, so if they get to know the real me...will it blow up in my face? The people I trust not to hurt or judge me are so far away. They can not give me the hug I probably need. They can not see the pain in my eyes...but they know and they are there to lend an ear..or an eye as the emailing case may be. I still need that hug, but it will have to wait. I can not allow myself that moment of weakness with anyone around me. I hope I may someday.

The time change is tough on me. I hate getting home in the dark, especially knowing that I will not be able to work with the horses, but for limited times on the weekend. Needing even the shortest escape, I could not waste this perfect opportunity. I headed to the barn early and decided to take my horse on a quiet trailride. It was nice to get out in the cranberry bogs with her and just enjoy the scenery. Getting past the dump trailers at the garage wasn't too easy, but the guys were good enough to not start any of the trucks until we past, so off Capall and I went.

One great thing about sunset in the fall.....it is utterly gorgeous sometimes. Enjoy.

Uninvited

2006-10-29T20:23:00.000-05:00

I was actually going to go out on a "worknight" and I was excited about it. But again, sitting home...uninvited by someone I thought wanted to see me. I am not even sure what happened. I thought I could joke around with someone I called a friend. I thought I could trust this person to not accuse me of shit that he knows I would not do. I was wrong.

So I am going to do what I probably should have planned on anyway, read my book and go to bed. I have to finish my book by Thursday for the book club. I am not going to look forward to Thursday because lately everything to which I look forward seems to blow up in my face. And no, that isn't me feeling sorry for myself...that's the truth. Just bad luck I guess, or another sign it's time for serious changes....I don't know, but I will figure it out.

War of the Mind

2006-10-26T21:51:00.000-04:00

This is my horoscope for today...according to Google anyway..

"Change has been powering its way through your life, but some of the forces are just too subtle to even notice. Now you are reaching a turning point. Trust your innermost instincts over the logic of your rational mind. This isn't about statistical analysis or thinking about the consequences of your actions. It's only about following your heart. "

So I read that and wonder...

I wanted to go out tonight to see a friend sing, but something held me back. Was it my over-thinking of the situation or something more? How does one follow one's heart if there is uncertainty if it's the heart or the mind running things at that moment. Damned if I know...

Going to do the same old...read my book and go to sleep. Someday I will figure it all out and maybe separate these thoughts/feelings into the nice little categories which will make them easier to distinguish and therefore pick and choose for use.

Tagged

2006-10-26T19:40:00.000-04:00

I am honored to have been tagged by my friend Ryann...so here goes my questions and responses.

1. One thing I've never done in front of an adult: Being someone who tends to be oblivious to my surroundings at times..it's hard to think of something...I've never sincerely patted myself on the back.
2. One sport I wish I could do: Run a Marathon
3. One thing I used to be able to do but have lost the ability to: I used to be able to sing pretty well until I broke my jaw.
4. One job I wish I could have had: Veterinarian
5. One food I can't live without: Cheese..any kind!
6. One food I could easily live without forever: Beets...damn things taste like dirt!
7. One book I think is a classic: "The Alchemist" by Paulo Coelho.
8. One movie I feel is personally significant to my life: "Pay it Forward" - It's amazing the effect that one person can have on the world.
9. One song I wish I'd written: Anna Nalick's "Consider This"
10. One thing I wish I had more control over: My Emotions
11. One Thing I dislike about myself: My lack of self-confidence.
12. One thing I admire about myself: My ability to love with all I am..
13. One thing I would change about the US: The way in which the "separation of church and state" does not seem to stay separate...that old beliefs seem to pervade all our lives.
14. One vehicle I hope to own someday: Ford F350 Pickup
15. One profession I have no respect for: Corporate Attorneys...it's all about money money money.
16. One sexual activity I have never tried but want to: Hmm, I am simple...sex on a beach.
17. One sexual activity I have never tried and don't want to: Three-some, I am all set with sharing.
18. One holiday I could live without: Valentine's Day...makes too many people miserable.
19. One piece of clothing I can't live without: That one big sweatshirt I stole from an ex.
20. One thing I'm afraid of: losing: My ability to trust others.
21. One thing I'm happy to have: My friends who love me even when I am nuts.

Three Cheers

2006-10-23T08:50:00.000-04:00

One of my favorite morning reads, is that of Dad Gone Mad. He writes one of the funniest blogs out there, relaying stories of his wife, children, friends and general mishaps of life. One can find an almost daily post at http://www.dadgonemad.com/.

I have been reading DGM's blogs for about a year. I envy his humor and writing style and often wished I had such an eventful life about which I could write. My posts are normally quite somber, the darker thoughts I might have throughout a day and I wondered what it was like to be able to have such humor make up one's life. Lately though, DGM has graciously decided to share his not-so-funny part of life, his bout with depression. Still tossing in his wit, he shares his deepest feelings about the difficulties of living with depression and his fear that side of him could affect his family in some detrimental way. He is open and honest in his writing and for that I say "Three Cheers to DGM." I have the utmost respect for this man and his family. He has shown me that it is not necessary to always put up a front and convince those we encounter that life is always a grand set of amusing events. He has also brought home the fact that no matter how bad everything seems, never let go of humor. There is no stronger medicine than laughter.

Haunting Memories

2006-10-20T21:39:00.000-04:00

I was watching "The Ghost Whisperer" tonight and allowed it to make me cry. Damn tv drama. The main premise of tonight's episode was the relationship between a dead man and his long-abandoned daughter. She did not even know he was dead, and apparently did not care because he had left her when she was three years old.

Would I be notified when my Father dies? Would I care to know, do I care? I have not seen him since I was a teenager, actually I do not recall the last time. After he finally moved out, he tried to keep up the expected visits of once a month, then just holidays...then nothing. I made no attempt, he made no attempt. I do not know how my brother and sister feel about his lack of presence in our lives, and actually I am not sure how I feel. Most of the time I do not think of him, when I do remember his time in my life, the memories are negative. Honestly, I try to remember something about him that will make me smile, but I have nothing. I remember him yelling at us. I remember him threatening my Mother. I remember running and hiding from him while he choked my brother for making too much noise.

Why would I want to know about such a man? Do I want to know him? My curiosity makes me wonder if he thinks about how we are, what his children are doing. Has he ever cried for us? Is he ashamed of what he did to us. Does he simply say that we chose to cut him from his life and he was the victim in this situation? I have often thought of finding him and asking those very questions, but my fear of his giving an emotionless, careless answer is too much. I do not want to be dismissed by him again. Maybe he would apologize and tell me he wished he had been a better father and wants to know his children, but my heart tells me that would not be the case and I would be left with further disappointment. At this point in my life, I do not believe such an experience would be worth it. I could be wrong.....I wish I were wrong.

A Terribly Vicious Cycle

2006-10-18T08:49:00.000-04:00

Washing one’s face should be a simple task, as should taking the carton of milk from the fridge…should it not? It isn’t for me at the moment. The slight bend and twist of my back causing a sharp, knee buckling pain to shoot into my back, making a clean face or glass of milk seem not to worth the effort.

I am very frustrated about my back. I get up at the ass-crack of dawn every morning, adjust my hip, do my crunches, stretch and then get on the treadmill for a strenuous workout, hoping to strengthen and support my lower back. I can see a difference in my appearance, I was beginning to think it was working and BAM! The pain this week has been verging on unbearable. I walk with the limp of an 85yr old after hip replacement surgery. I have to stand with my legs spread far apart, leaning against the sink to brush my teeth or wash my face. I go to bed with the heating pad under my back, hoping to melt the pain away.

I know that my state of mind is one contributing factor to my back pain, like it can be for many of our ailments. Unlike some people who carry one’s stress or upset in their stomach via digestive problems or in one’s head via migraine headaches, I carry my mental and emotional pains in my back. I get stressed, I get tight and I pull everything out of whack, making it very hard to get back into alignment. The trouble is, the more my back bothers me, the more I worry myself…which in turn makes the back issues worsen. Lovely circle of events, eh? I know that I need to go see Dr. Crankinpuss, he can adjust my back and get everything in the right direction, but do I want to pay him all that money for 5 minutes of insults and 2 minutes of adjustment? I should not complain. He is a very good doctor and knows exactly what he is doing and talking about when it comes to muscle issues, but he is such a dick. He will tell me to stop stressing and work harder. The last time I went in, he told me to bring my running sneakers so he could have me use his treadmill and make sure I know how to jog correctly. I think I have figured out how to control my body to run properly, but I am sure he will find something I do incorrectly on which he will comment amd frankly, I am in no mood lately for anymore insults or criticisms. I suppose I will have to just get over it, bow down my head and ask the condescending genius for some help. Oh Joy.

Let It Ride

2006-10-17T21:13:00.000-04:00

Things have been going less than spectacularly lately, and the main piece of advice I have been given....just let it go and keeping plugging away. I thought about it. Should I let everything just slide off my back and continue on as though nothing is wrong and maybe eventually nothing will be?

As I drive to work each day, it's all the same...minus the insignificant changes of who cuts me off or what the weather is at the time. The season is changing over from Fall to Winter. The young turkeys are now in the pen at the turkey farm, waiting for the Thanksgiving week when they will all be taken out, never to be seen again. The cold weather is bringing on the time for the horses to wear their blankets and I dread the frozen buckets and the fact that I won't be able to ride my horse for months. I know that soon the Christmas season will come and I will worry about for whom I need to buy a gift and what to buy these people. New Year's Eve will come and though I would like to think I will have somewhere great to go with someone great, I fear it will be another year of falling asleep before the clock strikes midnight. So, as all these events arise, the same way they came about last year and the same way I believe they could arrive next year, I wonder....Do I want to continue with this trend?

If I let my feelings slide, if I push aside my desire for change, if I stifle my need to find my passion, then all these events will continue each year and eventually I will turn around and see a life wasted in mediocrity. I will look in the mirror and see someone who did what was expected; went to work each day, got a steady paycheck, went through the common experiences of life. Who will I be? A fake, an unhappy shell of a person. I don't want to be that person. I want to find that home of which I dream. I want to experience all the greatness the world has to offer. I want to meet all different types of people and learn more than what it is like to live the life of a white, middle-class woman.

I am not typical. I am not normal. I am passionate. I am emotional. I am intelligent. I want to be strong. I want to strive for my dreams. I want to be proud of who I am. I want to live up to my potential. I want to thrive.

Sick with Anticipation

2006-10-16T13:19:00.000-04:00

I am trying to work, trying to get everything together and make this a productive day. I accomplish one act, only to sit for five or ten minutes just worrying about what I have done. Could I have done what I so dreaded my entire life? Could I have permanently alienated my Mother from my life?

I called her this morning to apologize for forgetting to set something up for her on the computer. I did not want her to think I was intentionally leaving her out. The response I received was cold and stung, reminding me that she would rather not hear my voice, "I don't care." I hung up. I do not think I will bother her again.

My feelings are hurt. I am feeling ignored, despised, and dismissed, so I sent an email. With tears again welling up in my eyes, I told her how I felt. I am depressed, I am lonely and I hate myself for making the one person I thought would always love me turn her back on me. Am I to blame? My mind tells me no, I have a legitimate reason for being angry. My broken-down soul and crushed heart almost have me convinced that everything wrong is my fault. I should not have given into my siblings' taunting. I should have walked away, kept my cool and gone about my business. Instead, I got angry, I lashed out and despite the provocation...it appears I was wrong. I was supposed to be the smart one, the good one, the child who did what was right and expected. Now I am the blacksheep, the selfish, hot-tempered bitch that can not get along with anyone.

I am sorry. I have failed. I am not the perfect child who can keep her shit together despite all odds. I am depressed. I am scared and I am very much alone.

What are you up to?

2006-10-11T19:41:00.000-04:00

A couple friends have called and the conversation always starts with the same question. So.... What am I up to? Try drinking some Bud Light, watching "Gilmore Girls" and trying to forget that my extraordinarily annoying sister is here for the next couple days. SERENITY NOW! I have been home for about a half hour and she has come into my room twice, once to show me a book about hair care products and a second time to make me smell her shampoo (her $20 bottle of shampoo that I couldn't use because my "fine hair would be weighed down, making it even more flat").

A friend of mine reminded me today...when it rains, it pours. My aunt is doing better (thank goodness), but I have been told that my boss' boss thinks I need more work thrown at me and a woman with whom I have come to find is a good friend has breast cancer. WTF??!! I never have seen so much shit tragedy in my life. It has made me come to think I now know far too many people and care for far too many people. I love my friends with all that I have, even those I have never officially met in person, so maybe I would be better off with not so many friends. I know...that's not true. I think the real problem is the fact that I absolutely SUCK at keeping in touch with the wonderful people in my life. I am lazy, I don't call or email enough. I say I will go visit, but I never do. I am a bad friend. I love them, I would be there if they called and needed me, but what about when times are good? Where am I then??? Sitting home, pissed that I didn't make the effort to go have fun with people who want to see me.

I am going to dinner with a friend I haven't seen in almost two years tomorrow night. I am going out with another friend with whom I love to laugh on Friday night. These gals are good for me, I will not cancel, as I have so many times before. I was asked to go out Saturday, but refused to commit because I hate myself when I cancel, yet I do not trust myself to be capable of going out this coming Saturday. Long story, all in my head...not worth sharing.

If I become a better friend, will I be a better person? Will the need for something I can't comprehend be met? I doubt it, but it's sure worth the time!

Where Are My Open Arms?

2006-10-09T16:45:00.000-04:00

I drove home today, trying to fight back the tears, but the closer I came to home, the more they began to flow. I cried for my Aunt, who is very sick in the hospital, and who I can not bear to live without. She is like a second Mom to me. She is there when I need a Mom and can't seem to get the words out to my own. She tries to understand me, and help me understand my family. But now she is ill, and I have not gone to see her yet. I feel like an asshole for not joining my mother Friday night at the hospital, or for not taking the time away from horseshow prep to go to the hospital this weekend. She is in ICU now and I am so utterly scared that my chance has passed.

I drove home craving someone to cry to, someone who would let me curl up next to them and would just be there for me. I need someone who will hold me, non-judging.....just there for me. But I go home, and I am alone. I ran through my mind, searching for a name...for someone I could call, someone I could trust. I have friends, they love me, but everyone has his/her own life to live. I do not have someone who considers me the top priority, nor anyone I consider to be mine. I am alone when I walk into my house. I am alone when I crawl into bed......I am alone and I am scared.

Woo...Saaa

2006-10-08T22:22:00.000-04:00

That is a phrase (not sure how the spelling really goes) that a friend of mine uses, meaning "a relaxed state of mind". Amazingly, that is the feeling I had when I mounted my horse and rode about the show grounds. She was the best!!! For a horse who has never done this before, she took it all in stride and was the utmost professional. Granted, we were eliminated from our second class, due to an unfortunate demolition exercise on the ring chains, but we completed the class, with the judges permission, and received a score which could have won.

My horse showed me today that she is there for me when I need her. I have a good little mare...and an exraordinary four-legged friend.

Shit Shit Shit

2006-10-08T07:23:00.000-04:00

I am scheduled to perform in a horse show today....and I DO NOT want to go. With the mood I am currently in, there is no way my horse and I will get our shit together to give a good showing. I have never done this before, so makes sense to be nervous. The trouble is, not only am I taking my horse to such an event for the first time in both our lives, but we are being coached by one of the craziest "Dressage Queens" I have ever met. She will want everything to be perfect...and I am nothing near perfect.

I haven't informed her Majesty that I have opted to use my own saddle, rather than using her very expensive, professional saddle. I am not wearing the special white britches she wanted for me to wear and my horse is far from "prettied" up. I spent yesterday thinking about getting her ready, but after riding (which didn't go well), washing her legs and attempting to pull her mane, I was done. It's cold outside. My motivation goes "POOF" when I am cold. I want to go home, wrap myself in four blankets, sip some hot cocoa and watch old movies.

I had better find at least a trickle of motivation today...or it is going to be a far longer day than anyone anticipated.

The Foliage Awaits

2006-09-28T13:26:00.000-04:00

I have decided that I need to go on a trip. Nothing long, as I have no money nor time off, but a weekend getaway. This time of year in New England is so lovely, I should get out and enjoy it. I was going to go up to New Hampshire, but then it occurred to me...I have somewhere I need to go. I am going to Upstate New York to see Lilac!

I miss that old horse, and I am sure she misses me. It will be sad to see her and have to leave again, but I could sure use a hug from my Beautiful Mare. I recently lost all the information on my computer, and my pictures of Miss Lilac were included in that loss. I was extremely upset to have lost all my photos and writings from the past few years, but I have decided that this is my push to forget about the past and make some new memories. I have never been to New York, and I am told the area in which Lilac now resides is "God's Country" and truely wonderful. I can not wait. It will be a long drive to make alone, but it will be nice to see the foliage and stop and take some nice shots. I have to wait until after my horse show, but I believe the following weekend, I am off.

Tired Eyes?

2006-09-27T10:50:00.000-04:00

My eyes are swollen and dry, not because I am lacking in sleep, but because I once again cried myself to sleep. I guess my eyes are tired, tired of shedding so many tears, tired of being wiped or splashed with cold water. Another pair of contacts ruined....and why? Does it matter? I tried to explain why I was upset last night, but all anyone can say is that I should just get over what I can not change. So easily said, isn't it?

I have found that when the reasons for my upset seem to pile up, one thing on top of another, they almost negate each other...running into one large damaging time in life. Lately it seems each time I stand tall, ready to move on, I get smacked back down by some event. This is life, is it not? These feelings invade all of us at one time, varying in times and intensity. I would like to "just get over it" and move on, concentrate on the good, and just be happy with what I have. Maybe next week, but this week I am going to just concentrate on work, with the anger, bitterness and sadness festering inside. I have cut off most communications with my friends, if only to avoid the "how are you?" or "what have you been up to lately?". I prefer not to bullshit my way through that answer with short responses with no real information, nor do I want to share the truth. I am lonely right now, so I am choosing to be alone. I have endured ups and downs my entire life, this too shall pass.

Next week I will take the messages stating how good of a person I am or what an amazing asset I am to my company to heart. I will appreciate an old friend saying that an email from me brightened his day, I will be proud when my co-workers thank me for all my help. Not right now, not today, not this week....but soon, I have to believe in the future, as it comes sooner than one can expect, hopefully bringing positive change and room to grow.

Nothing

2006-09-24T12:48:00.000-04:00

Because my weekend, beginning Saturday morning, has sucked huge buffalo balls, I have decided to spend the remainder of said weekend in bed. Why the hell not? It's my decision. I got up this morning, rode my lesson, cleaned my stalls and now I am done with my day. Maybe I should be exercising, walking the dog, paying bills, doing something important, but I am all set. Speaking to anyone is out of the question, as if they ask how I am or how my weekend was, I might be forced to go into a rant about how pissed off and disappointed I am with the whole thing. I don't want to talk about what I can not change. Past is past. My present is here, lying in my bed wearng nothing but some comfy cotton panties, watching stupid old movies and drinking my hot cocoa. Maybe in an hour or so I will change my mind, feel gung-ho and want to move my body, but for now I just want to be a lazy sack of shit.

Am I feeling sorry for myself? Fuck yeah...and it's my perogative.

Funny Huh?

2006-09-20T20:28:00.000-04:00

I was told that I should write more amusing blog posts. My posts are "boring" and "depressing". I thought about it, I laugh a lot during the day, but as I do not have my computer in front of me at the time, I guess by the time I get home and sit down to write, the humor of the day has passed.

I saw something that made me smile and laugh out loud today. A man was driving down the road on a Harley Davidson motorcycle, with none other than an English Bulldog on the seat in front of him. The dog was large for an English Bulldog, with the distinguished blocky head and wrinkled body. He was laying over the gas tank, wearing a small vest, adorable little helmet and a perfectly fitting pair of shades for his eyes. I shit you not..this was truly one of the most classic scenes I have ever seen. If only I had my camera, I would have followed that man down the road in an attempt to snap the photo of a lifetime!

As I drove further down the road, still grinning from ear to ear about this amazing sight, I saw a bumper sticker that read "I have a perfect body. It's in my trunk and starting to smell." People are sick, but goddamn funny sometimes.

I love to laugh. The rush of adrenaline can, at times, take me over, and I have trouble stopping the bursts of laughter. I may not write the most amusing posts, but my blog is normally my place to release all the thoughts which I must hold inside throughout the day, allowing my laughter to be released for my friends to enjoy. I would like to sit and write about all the daily moments that cause me to giggle under my breath or outright burst into exuberant laughter, but they seem fleeting and due to my odd sense of humor, they seem to be just mine. I laugh at something that seems less than funny and people laugh at me for being such a goof. This odd sense of humor and ability to make others smile seems to be my lot in life...whether I am truly happy or just getting by for the sake of those around me.

We Shall See

2006-09-19T20:52:00.000-04:00

I finally chose a book for the Book Club. I searched and searched and though I wanted someone to just say, "hey, you should read this one", it didn't happen. This choice was all mine. I chose "The Life of Pi" by Yann Martel. It seems odd, yet intriguing. A lot of my life lately is odd, yet intriguing, so I figured it would be the best choice. Just do it....right? I have told the other ladies my choice, we have a month to get back together and discuss the story. I have no idea how long this novel is, and being a rather slow reader, I better get cracking.

The first week back at work since my break has been a bit rough, but so far I haven't tossed anyone out of my office, broke into tears or stormed out. Tomorrow is the ultimate test. I will be alone most of the day and my coworkers tend to like to wait until the last minute for everything. I will be ok, just keep saying "serenity now....serenity now" and remember that I have a large network of friends I can call or email. In one sentence, these people can put a big, stupid grin on my face. I am lucky.

Life offers you a thousand chances ... all you have to do is take one.

2006-09-17T21:52:00.000-04:00

I was just watching a movie, "Under the Tuscan Sun" and one of the actresses said something that struck me.

"One must try to live life spherically, in all directions. Never lose your childish enthusiam and life will eventually fall into place."

I have been trying to grasp the concept that nothing is a true coincidence, I must keep my eyes open to all the possibilities which are placed in front of me, and there is nothing wrong with my childish enthusiam.

I hope to giggle like a fool tomorrow....if not for me, for the person who brings that bit of joy my way.

Over Already

2006-09-17T11:15:00.000-04:00

The week is over, hence so is my vacation. Retta is back home, and I am again left to my own devices. It was nice to have someone with whom to do things I normally would not. I wish that I had more exciting places to take my friend, but I am not much of a tour guide. I wish I was able to help her with some important decisions she needs to make. Though I did not have any great revelations about my life and where I would like to be headed, I did feel some of my inner power return.

We went to Newport, RI and walked along the ocean cliffs. I have always felt overwhelmed by the ocean, but the feeling I had this day was amazing. My body was filled with peace and excitement simultaneously as I watched the waves crash against the seashore. I was nearly overcome by emotion, shivers running throughout my body. Nature gave something to me that day that I have been craving for so very long....a sense of connection to the world around me. I felt the same as I walked around Boston. I am not a city person, but sometimes I can feel the intense energy which is exuded by such a busy and beautiful place. People rush around to get to their destinations, while others stop, watch and enjoy the sites which surround them.

Back to work tomorrow, back to the daily routines of life, but as I sit and think of what I have learned and come to understand in recent months, there is nothing truly routine. Life always has ways of throwing at least a small ripple of waves in what we sometimes believe to be the powerless, quiet stream of our existence. Though at times I have felt nearly swallowed up the rushing waters, I am still swimming....eyes wide open, sometimes paddling with all my might, sometimes simply floating along waiting for that next change in direction. No life raft needed, I am becoming a stronger swimmer by the day.

Suggestions Anyone?

2006-09-09T08:21:00.000-04:00

I have found myself part of a book club. A friend invited me to read "The Celestine Prophecy" and come to a dinner to discuss the content. I met with four other women and we had a fantastic conversation, both about ourselves and the novel. It was a very enjoyable experience to hear the ideas of these women, two of them I had never before met. I am looking forward to meeting with them again, but I am responsible for choosing the next book...and I have no idea!

So, if anyone has a suggestion for something stimulating enough to read in one month, that we could discuss, please share your ideas. My friend Retta is flying in today to stay the week with me, so I am hoping she will have some ideas. I do not normally have much time for reading, so nothing is going to come to me anytime soon.

On a side note, I am so glad Retta is going to be here today. I could use a good friend to talk to about a lot of things. She is a great listener and has been there for me through a lot of bullshit in my life. I am hoping together, she and I can heal from our pasts and move on fully energized and ready to meet the the world with renewed enthusiasm.

Party's Over, Back to Work

2006-08-28T08:12:00.000-04:00

It's Monday, first day back to work after partying at the boss' house. Actually, I was quite tempted to call in today, but I figured after seeing the boss until after midnight on a weekend, he might figure I was full of shit about being sick Monday morning. It was a curious day to see what, if anything has changed with working relationships after a night of goofing off and drinking exorbitant amounts of alcohol. It was a good time though, and after the initial uncomfortable feelings subsided while walking in and out of BF's home, I was more than happy to sit back and swill down some beers with him and his wife.

All but one of my coworkers are male, so it was interesting to meet the wives. They were all a bunch of great ladies and I had a good time chatting with them. I certainly hear some interesting "facts" about them throughout the week, though there are always two sides to every story and one must have that "grain of salt" ready. I was quite amused to hear the wives side of the story, but I will say, they have their men trained well. My guys work upwards of 90+ hrs per week, yet many of the wives do not cook or do the house work. Some of them do not even work! I don't know, but dare I side with the men when I say, at least have something in the fridge that could be made into a meal when they get home. It is give and take and these guys can dish out some attitude as bad as any woman with pms! After meeting all these strong-minded women, I would hate to get into the middle of an argument with these ladies and can see why the guys have Dominos on speed dial.

The boss and I had a good laugh about what happened at the party. He was admittedly still hung over and did NOTHING yesterday but lie on the couch and nap. His wife cleaned up most of the yard this time, but I am sure he will have to make up for it eventually. B was all set to climb into a tyvek suit today and try to sweat out the remainder blueberry vodka, beer and rum he consumed Saturday night. There would certainly be an interesting aroma emanating from that job site.

I did not see most of the guys today, they were all out in the field. My favorite driver Vic G did call and swore he was told I was dancing on the tables.....I told him I guess he should have shown up to see the show, rather than copping out and not attending our party. My Johnny was in today, he had brought his lovely wife and son to the party, so I didn't get a chance to flirt with him, as I so enjoy our little conversations in the office. After getting to know his wife though, I felt it was ok to smack Johnny on the ass today (with a folder mind you, no HR issues here)...to which he responded, "harder please." That's my Johnny!

Not for me to understand

2006-08-27T19:38:00.000-04:00

A friend of mine is going through an extremely tragic time in her life. She has suddenly suffered the loss of her best friend and closest companion.....her horse. I have never seen a bond between two beings like I saw between Jess and Eli and now he is gone. I can not bare to imagine how she feels right now, when I even slightly attempt to understand how much pain she must be in, it is sickening. They were one, he was her anchor and now she is alone.

Jess made one of the scariest, yet most brave decisions she could have made a year ago. She left her family, her friends and all she knew to move out to the midwest and start a new life. The one part of her life she had to take along was Eli. There was no way Jess could go without Eli and though she waited a month to ship him out, there was no doubt they would be together again. Jess has been in her new home since June and her enthusiasm was inspiring. Everyone who is close to Jess would say, no matter where she was, as long as she and Eli were together, the rest would fall into place. Because he was a horse, many might not understand how this woman could be so close to him. She found Eli when he was a two year old, she trained him, she loved him, and she made him part of her family. The thought of Jess without her friend is incomprehensible. When I heard about Eli's accident and then his death, my mind quickly jumped to "why?" What is the purpose Jess losing her best friend? Why would such a tragic event occur and at such an unstable time in her life? But this lesson is not for me to learn. She risked so much to make this move, hoping to learn and grow through experience, and now another change. I can not say that Jess' life will be better without Eli, not will it be worse, but it will certainly be different. How much she will change as a person, and how much her current life will be affected will be up to Jess. I wish she did not have to suffer so terribly, but we all go through life changing times. Eli changed Jess when he came to her, she will never be the same. This lesson is beyond my understanding, I can only hope Jess will be able to take Eli's positive influence with her as she goes through the rest of her life. They were meant to be together and he will always be a part of her.

All The King's Horses

2006-08-27T09:18:00.000-04:00

I feel like Humptey-Dumptey...having fallen off the wall, broken into a thousand pieces and no one can help put me back together. Life has seeminly drained me of my ambition, my desires, my confidence, my love. I sit and I think, I walk and I think, I lie in bed and I think....where has it gotten me? Somedays I feel like I have taken 10 steps forward, feeling good, feeling I have learned so much. Other days I feel like it was all a farce and nothing has changed. Is it me? What do others truly see? I have so many people who tell me how great I am, so smart, so beautiful, so much fun. I do not accept their words as anything more than kindness from those who care. I felt so cruel telling one of my friends to stop complimenting me. He means well, but it bothers me. If I do not see such things on my own, I do not want to hear someone else trying to convince me of anything. I am the only person who's opinion matters about me right now, I am the only person who can see the truth.

I am reading a very fascinating book, "The Celestine Prophecy" by James Redfield. It uses an adventure story to demonstrate the ideas taught in so many books about human consciousness. Redfield discusses the concept that each person has an inner energy, and interactions with others changes that energy. Many people, unconsciously feeling a lack of energy, are constantly trying to take it from others they encounter throughout life. This problem with human existence is one reason relationships are so difficult to maintain. Humans tend to have a "me first" attitude, their egos making one believe that what he/she wants must take precedence, and this thought process usually leaves one person being forced to give in to another. I have come to realize what I have done in my past relationships has doomed them to failure. My determination to make my partner happy makes it necessary to stifle my own wants/desires and put the majority of my personal energy toward doing what will make him content. I can not blame anyone for this problem, I caused it myself. I gave myself up for someone else, and then after a time I became bitter. There was no going back with such a precadence having been set, so I gave up on love and left. I am angry with myself for making such a mistake. It was an immature decision, but I was young and inexperienced. If love passes my way again, I hope to make better decisions, I hope to find someone who will accept me and allow me to live my way, as much as I will want him to do the same. I am not ready yet. I am still too sad, frustrated and bitter to open myself to another person. I have no one who really knows me, only because I give everyone bits and pieces...having the whole gives too much control. My trust in myself and in others is gone...I hope to earn it back.

Back to the Bike Path

2006-08-25T18:47:00.000-04:00

I wanted to post some more of my pictures from my walk yesterday. I did not walk today, not only was it raining all day, but I was quite busy at work and barely had time to sneak out and grab some lunch.

So, if I avoided being arrested for walking on the tracks.....what would the fine be for taking this piece of history?

It is just a rusted old piece of metal really, but I would love to have it. It is the track switching mechanism, now barely held on by a couple old bolts. Why do I want this seeming "piece of junk"? No idea, it just goes along well with my fascination with train tracks.

I am not interested in the trains, but in the old tracks themselves. They seem to represent my need for exploration, wondering where the path might lead. As for how far these tracks run, if they are the entire bike path, I am not sure. At some point, I will have to come down on a weekend with my bike and camera and explore as far as I can in one full day.

When I am not feeling the desire to walk, I sit at one of the areas of the path at which I can see the water rush one way or the other depending on whether the tide is going in or out. The power of the gravitational pull is amazing to see.

The day I found out Nicky would be taken off life support, I sat on a rock at this area, watching the water rush past. I watched the birds float by, diving for fish as they went along. The work across the canal continued and the tugboats floated by, readying themselves to move the large tankers into the open ocean. Life went on, as much as I wanted to freeze everything around me, or at least slow down time...it passed as usual. It still does, the tides still rise and fall and I still walk the water line, wondering about my friend, wondering about myself.....contemplating my life as it has developed and how I am hoping it will in the future.

Quote Time Again!

2006-08-25T17:54:00.000-04:00

I saw three quotes today I felt like sharing. Enjoy.

"He who limps is still walking." - Joan Rivers

"An eye for an eye makes the whole world blind." - Ghandi

"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind." - Dr. Seuss

All were amazing relevant to my week.

Can anyone spare a grand?

2006-08-24T20:56:00.000-04:00

My curiosity could cost me either $1000 or one year in prison. Is it worth it?

This is a gate off the path that I walk by the water. I believe it leads to a long pier going out into the water, and I REALLY want to go check it out. What is stopping me? The multitude of signs stating "Keep on Path. No Trespassing On Tracks. Punishable By $1000 Or Up To One Year In Prison." I am not real keen on losing my freedom, so is my curiosity worth risking a grand? Maybe I would not get caught, but with my luck there is a swat team hidden in the trees.

The Bike Path in Providence is a wonderful place to walk. There are only a couple areas where if alone, one could be in some trouble, but for the most part, the path is open, surrounded by water on both sides. I love the smell of the salt water, most especially at low tide. The birds are magnificent and even the low hum of the excavators and loaders across the canal do not disturb my serenity. I walked about 40 minutes today, and took many pictures. There are probably too many to post, but I am going to try over time. Here are a few samples...

I am on a roll, and it's destined to be burned in the oven!

2006-08-24T11:59:00.000-04:00

Today is not going well. I overslept, so did not run my three miles. I lost my glasses because I left them on when I went to bed. I am again arguing via email with an evil Witch that works in our credit department at work, to whom I can no longer reply without possibly getting a reprimand from a VP somewhere for foul language. My friend in Compliance hung up on me after I made a sarcastic remark in joking. I have annoyed the General Manager of one of our other facilities and was told by our Canadian contact that the analytical we ran on some waste is not sufficient. So, here I am, nearly noon, having accomplished nothing and really wishing I had tomorrow off. The boss’ day is not going much better as I just heard him drop the f-bomb about 25 times in 3 minutes. Just another day in Environmental Hell….

I am going to try to make a break for it at lunch. I would like to go to the bike path and take some pictures of the water and the ships. The last time I went for a walk, I got a ration of shit for being gone for an hour, but since the other woman who works with me was an hour late today, I am thinking they can kiss my Irish Ass.

Wish me luck!

Criminal Intent

2006-08-19T19:43:00.000-04:00

I am angry right now....angrier than I have been in a very long time. The person who is causing this rise in my blood pressure, and the murderous thoughts that if carried out would land me into some record book for the most sick and twisted of killers, does not deserve the reaction.

Tomorrow my Aunt Lorraine is having a small family reunion, just the immediates, no distant cousins and such. Her kids and there significants, my immediate family and my Mom's brother and his family will be in attendance. I have not seen Uncle Jimmy in about 6 yrs, not since my cousin Laurie was married. Not only have I not seen Jimmy and his clan in that length of time, but none of my family (excluding my Mother and brother) have seen my sister. Each time I see Lorraine and my cousins, I hear "how is Kim doing? You know we have not seen her since Laurie's wedding?" Though I joke it off by saying "count your lucky stars", I know it bothers them. So, one can imagine my shock when Mom informed me that Miss Priss would be joining the festivities....and without her low-life, hypocritical, rat-bastard, piece of dirt boyfriend. Can you tell I am not fond of Big D? Lorraine invited the slimey worm to the party, but Mom neglected to extend the invite while talking to Kim. Well, after waiting all day for her to show, Mom calls Miss Seflish Prissbag, only to have Dickface D answer the phone to say "am I invited to the party?" Now my response would have been..."NO, you are a rude FUCK and I would rather chew off my right ass cheek than see your FUCKING face at my Aunt's home". My mother...not quite so crass as I, decided not to answer and again asked for Kim. My lovely (and I say that with more sarcasm than one can imagine) sister informs my Mother that she is not coming to the party....she doesn't feel like it. ARE YOU FUCKING SHITTING ME??!!! Lorraine bought lobsters for everyone, we told them she is coming, my Mom was happy Kim's choke collar would be released long enough for her to get away from that Fuck David...and now she DOESN'T FEEL LIKE IT??????!!!!
So, Mom is sick to her stomach at the control D has on my idiot sister. I am beyond angry that she would side with that Motherfucker over her family and I can only imagine Lorraine's response (as she has about as much patience and controlled a demeanor as I). I told Mom she better explain first off when we arrive, otherwise if someone asks me, I will NOT hold my tongue.

Ok, so I am a wee bit pissed off right now. The excrutiating pain in my neck and upper back are not helping, neither are the 2 rum&cokes and 3 glasses of wine. I ask you.....with a pain that makes one want to vomit and shocking news that gives one psychotically homicidal thoughts....would vodka have been a better choice???

CRS

2006-08-15T21:10:00.000-04:00

I have a serious case of "can't remember shit" as of late, hence the lack of posts. I had many a blab, I mean blog, written in my head, but work/life seems to get in the way. In the past week I would rather not admit how often I have started toward some destination, only to stop dead in my tracks, spin three times, and have no clue what I was up to or where I was heading. If there were some music in the background, one might think I was inventing my own version of the Electric Slide, but alas, my sad attempts at whistling while I work can hardly be considered music.

I have had a problem as far as music goes, I don't seem to want to listen to any of my cd collection. I have approximately 100 cds at this time, but as I search through my cases, nothing jumps out at me. I have been listening to the same three albums for the past month or longer. One of my new favorite songs is "If Everyone Cared" by Nickelback. As I witness the daily activities of those around me, I am constantly wondering about our civilization and how we got so far and whether it is possible for us to evolve any further without destroying ourselves. Looking at the World today and the insanity which prevails, my hopes for improvement are not high.

Nickelback sings;

"If everyone cared and nobody cried
If everyone loved and nobody lied
If everyone shared and swallowed their pride
We'd see the day when nobody died."

What are the chances of any of that occurring one day, just one of those choices? 50%, 20%, 0.000001%? How does ZERO percent sound? Is this statement pessimism rearing its ugly head again? Maybe, but who can honestly believe that the whole world could actually let go of one's pride, stop lying, care about more than what is directly affecting oneself and share that feeling with others? I hope to see at least 1/4 of the world accomplish this act one day. It might not keep anyone from dying, but it sure would make a lot of us smile. There ain't nothing like the power of positive thinking, eh?

Jacuzzis Are

2006-08-13T09:27:00.000-04:00

A great thing.....until you have to get out....and it's 40 degrees cooler outside the water! I think I may have broken a record for drying off and getting dressed, all while convulsively shaking and moaning. :)

Delete Nick?

2006-08-10T13:18:00.000-04:00

If only it did not seem to make sense...

I was adding a new phone number to my cell phone, and decided to go through the phonebook and delete those numbers which I no longer would need. I came across Nick's entry. For a split second, it was just the act of erasing a number I would never again call, but as the question "Delete Nick?" came up, a wave of nausea flowed through my body. I would not need that number in my phone any longer. It will never again show up as an incoming or missed call, I will never again have a message from "Oscar" saying hello to his "Grundgetta". Though it makes perfect sense, the last thing I wanted to do was answer "yes" to that question.

Though I go through my day without mentioning his name and for the most part am able to stifle the tears that seem to lurk in my eyes, Nicky never leaves my mind. It is these simple reminders that bring him to the forefront of my thoughts. I can not help but think of him. Just the name of my company reminds me of my friend. He was the first person to make me feel at home, one of the only reasons I did not give in to the fears of corporate life and quit in the first month. Five years later he is gone, and no matter how much time passes, the concept of having lost Nick still seems impossible to fathom.

Needing to escape the office, and try to maintain some composure for the day, I went to the water. I walked along the ocean, trying to enjoy the beautiful birds and the smell of the salt water. The low hum of the tanks and refineries across the water was still present, but I did my best to forget where I was. As I looked up at the sky, wishing I could talk to my friend again, I noticed how unreal the clouds looked. If I saw a picture of this very scene, I would have sworn it was a painting. The clouds seemed too fluid and pronounced to not have been painted by some great artist. I wish I had my camera, but again, I left it at home. I was brought back to my childhood, when I would looking into paintings of the seashore and the sky and wished I could just walk into the painting. Where would I be? Would the past few months be merely a dream in this new place? Where is the wardrobe closet that will lead to my Narnia? This place of dreams will simply need to continue to exist only in my mind, but I am glad it still does. I would be lost without an imagination to turn to, if only for a few brief moments while staring at the sky.

Smile! It's not that Bad.

2006-08-08T20:50:00.000-04:00

I have been feeling very down lately, as if nothing could or will go right any time soon. Today I felt a change. I am not sure when or how, but as the day progressed, I felt better about myself, I felt maybe I would learn from life and make it better.

I laughed a lot at work today. I work with some good people and it is great to be able to giggle like a complete fool and have no one ask you to stifle it. I even "one-upped" one of my company's smartest employees. Good times....

I learned today that I am not alone in being afraid to get to know someone new. I had done my usual, thought the worst, and believed that this person was not interested in getting to know me. After talking to a friend who normally keeps her nose out of anyone's business, I realized that even the most intimidating emotions can be mutual. Fear is a powerful emotion and if allowed, it can hold one back from growing and learning. Fear has held onto me for a long time, but as time passes it only makes me angry and bitter. I believed, at first, that I was angry with those who had somehow hurt me, but in actual, I was angry with myself. In my heart, I know this person is just as intrigued by me as I am of him, but time is on our side. Whether we are destined for a friendship or more, I am in no hurry.

My confidence also seemed to be reborn with the horses. I have been given guardianship of a 3yr old Thoroughbred. He was just recently gelded, so his stallion qualities are quite strong. I did not believe I was up to this challenge, as "babies" and especially stallions can be quite dangerous and I have not dealt with one in a very long time. Canajohari will be difficult. He has the same fresh, defiant attitude as his grandmother, Lilac Domino, but he is young and strong. Yesterday his obstinance hit a high note, he did not want me to bother him, and therefore reared up and struck my leg with his front hoof. I was too close for him to get high enough to do any real damage, but it was startling. Normally this would have frightened or angered me, but I am too tired lately to let this horse flare any more negative feelings in me. Instead, I quietly reprimanded him and continued on with what needed to be done. I was, however, brought closer to the conclusion that I was neither up to such a challenge, nor did I want it in my life. Today, as Canajo tried to intimidate me and refuse to behave, I sternly raised my voice to him and he listened. We have begun to come to an understanding and though it will not be easy, I am confident I can work through my fears and self-doubt. I can help to train this beautiful horse for a woman whose crippling disease stops her from working with him on her own. I see the softness in Cj's eyes that I saw in his grandmother, whom I loved dearly. Maybe he and I will be friends, maybe not, but he will not dominate me. The Boss is back, playtime is over for the new fiery, red-headed baby.

The Canal

2006-08-06T18:11:00.000-04:00

I went to the ocean today. It is amazing how much more content the site and smell of the ocean can make me. I had originally just wanted to go for a drive, getting out of the house, but when I found myself in the area of the Cape Cod Canal, I decided to join the many others, and enjoy the day. There were a lot of people, it was the perfect day to be outdoors. The sun was shining and the temperature was a comfortable 80F. As I was unprepared to be walking, all I was wearing were my flip flops. I have made the mistake of walking a long distance in flip flops before, but I guess my feet suffer once again because I will never learn. I walked the full length of one side of the Canal, I believe it is 7 miles one way. The growing blisters were quite apparent as I reached one end, therefore the thought of having to walk back was less than pleasing. I sat for a bit, watching everyone go by. There were parents with their children, lovers, friends, either walking, roller-blading or riding their bikes. There were also the older folks, sitting in the shaded spots, enjoying a cool breeze and the fisherman, carefully standing on the wet rocks. I watched dogs walk by, staring at the water, apparently wishing it were high tide so that they might have the chance to go swimming.
No such luck for the hot dogs or my feet, the tide was far too low to attempt to traverse the wet, seaweed covered rocks, in order to dip our "paws".

Other than the fisherman, the only ones enjoying the low tide were the sea birds. The fish were visibly prevalent today, therefore the birds were not lacking in something to catch if they so desired. These three pals just sat together for awhile, enjoying the breeze. Even the wildlife enjoys the company of friends....

Someone has shown their artistic appreciation of the seabirds, particularly the gull. There are marvelous paintings on the walkway, various portraits of these lovely birds. It was nice to see, as most people hate seagulls because of the noise they make and the messes they leave behind.

Now after relaxing myself, getting all my work done that was required, it is time to rest and soak my sore feet. Here's to hoping the blisters let me run in the morning!

Nothing to Say

2006-07-31T13:35:00.000-04:00

I do not think I will be writing much for a bit. Recent events have left me in a state of confusion, disgust and dismay. I have some new distractions in my life to which I am going to try to adjust and until I have something positive to write, I am going to work on healing.

I Wonder

2006-07-22T17:56:00.000-04:00

The past two days, I have either been depressed over the untimely loss of a good friend or utterly confused at where I am or what I want. I sit here each night wondering "what the hell has happened?". I am not where I want to be, I am not where I would have believed I would find myself. I am angry, I am sad, I am absent.

Losing Nicky has shown me that life is short, so why the fuck do I waste it worrying about the day to day bullshit? I want things, but I sit and I wait for them to come to me. I read once that if one wants something bad enough, the Universe will make it so. I have seen that idea to be true, but why wait? Why do I not just get up and make it happen for myself, rather than taking bits and pieces at a time until the puzzle is complete?

My self-esteem, my emotions, my thoughts are shattered.....Both by the loss of my friend and by the recognition that as much as I hate change and repel it with all my might, it happens. I have always believed that I wanted to live in a remote area, the woods, or by the beach where my nearest neighbor was at least 5 miles away. The other night, while watching some silly movie which took place in New York City, I actually had the thought that I might like to live in the big city. I might enjoy living in an apartment in the middle of a large city; a place from where I could walk to all my destinations and encounter an exorbitant amount of people and events. As much as the actions of most Humans annoy me, I do enjoy people watching. Does my new sense of confusion give me this need to "learn" from observing others? The mere thought of myself in the city sent shock waves throughout my body. Who thought that? How could something I have been against for so long suddenly appear appealing?

Again....left confused and needing answers. Will they come? Only time will tell.....

I Do Not Understand

2006-07-20T20:41:00.000-04:00

Nicky passed away tonight. I have never felt more pain throughout my entire body. He believed in God, Nicky was a good person. I will never believe. I will never understand.......

Beginnings

2006-07-17T20:22:00.000-04:00

Life's a changin'. I have decided to take advantage of some recent changes in my life to make it better. I bought myself a present. I never spend money on myself, except when someone else is involved or it's a necessity. Well, I decided that though a new notebook computer isn't a "necessity", I believe it will aid in my new wave of inspiration. I am going to start my own business in the next year. My job is ok, but it is not for me. I was offered a new position at my company, one where I would be in complete control of my day, but I would rather not start something new when I plan on leaving the company completely in the next year or so. I will say, that with each job change I make in the company, I am solicited by the new manager. It is against company policy to solicit a current employee for a new job opening, but each job has come to me in that "illegal" manner. I guess I should be honored to be so well respected as an employee, all the while trying to fly under the radar.

My notebook will travel with me. I will write my thoughts, plan my days and enjoy new motivation. I am excited. I will not let the money go to waste, so I know it will be used and used wisely.....though I now have to quiet the checkbook for a bit to make up some loss.

My horse and I are doing quite well too. We jumped in our lesson last week. I have never been one for jumping, especially after seeing so many people crash in their own soaring endeavors. Capall has never jumped either, but she trusts me and jumped the vertical, even with my trepidation. Two years ago, I thought about selling this horse. I am glad I stuck with her and had a great trainer who loves us both enough to be confident we could do it. I am still working on my confidence in my horse, but mostly my confidence in myself. We will be going to a show at the end of this summer, and no matter how it goes, we will leave there with our heads held high.

Some old friends have reappeared in my life, and I am happy about that. It is good to know I am remembered and still loved after a long absence. I have a lot of friends that care for me, and though many of them are too far away to see even monthly, I know they would be on the next plane if I asked. I have also found myself with some new friends, people who I never quite expected to be part of my life. They are on a mission to make me happy.....and part of the mission includes making a friend of their's happy. We shall see, as we are both stubborn and shy, but just watching people's plots unwind is enough amusement for me.

Last week I was very down. There are a lot of tragic events happening in my life now, but though there is a lot of sadness in me, I need to keep going and keep learning. I looked in the mirror last week and saw someone from years ago, someone who was over-weight and lacking in any self-esteem. I felt like I had failed at so much and things were only getting worse. I have not failed anything. I have accomplished so many things in my life, even in the past few years. I have learned a lot about myself and I am happy with who I am. I am fit, I am healthy and I am beautiful. People like me, and I am going to learn to like me too.

I saw something wonderful the other night. Though it was a sunset, it brought some awakening to me. Enjoy.

Nature Walk?

2006-07-15T10:04:00.000-04:00

10AM on a Saturday morning and thankfully, though I woke up later than I wanted, I did get some important errands done. The oil is changed in my car. I had an 8am appointment at the Toyota dealer, and knowing it would be a bit, I decided to go for a walk. As I strolled down a newly build road into an "industrial park", I was impressed at how well the roadway was landscaped, almost hiding the fact that it leads to office building after office building and a bunch of large warehouses. I caught myself thinking what a nice looking area this was, when I remembered what was there, a forest....Nature. It is too bad we lose so much woodlands. I was walking in a park last weekend, and on a stone bench was a quote about the calming, peaceful nature of the wood. I can not recall the exact quote, but it was a lovely reminder. Continuing on my walk, I thought that the landscapers should have planted fruit trees, add to the attempt to make this "park" as welcoming as possible, and I came upon crabapple trees. I am glad they had thought of it, nice to see some variation.

Speaking of crabapples, I swear the horse-fly that appeared each time I decided to shorten my stride and stroll slowly along, was in alliance with my Cranky Chiropractor. As this annoying insect buzzed past my ear, chasing me down the road, I could hear Dr. Groucho singing his little ditty about my lack of an ass. He has not seen me lately, my toosh and back are better (as long as I do not stress and throw it out of alignment). You know, he didn't have much of an ass either. I guess he makes up for lacking in his backside by being a total Ass instead. Oh well, he did help me by motivating me to work (pardon the expression) my ass off to get stronger in my lower back. I still need to get on my treadmill this morning, but it is already almost 90F outside with enough humidity to make the skyline frighteningly hazy. The heat was one of the reasons I did not want to hustle on my walk, as I was wearing jeans because my oversleeping caused me to not have time to shave my legs this morning. No one needs to see that. Haaa.

Anyway, I have a lot of things to do today. I am helping someone find a horse for a friend and possibly sell a horse. I do love looking at different horses, and especially when I am not the one who will be spending the money. These people have limited funds to spend, so it makes it all the more challenging to find something for little or no money that does not have one or two hooves in the grave. Time to attempt that 3 mile run and get ready for the rest of my day.

Daily Buddhist Wisdom

2006-07-14T22:38:00.000-04:00

I received an email from someone today that enclosed an interesting quote. This person would not normally send me something with out an explanation, but all I received was the quote. I am assumming I am being told this quote pertains to me and my life as I see it. I agree...

"It is a defect in language that words suggest permanent realities and people do not see through this deception. But mere words cannot create reality. Thus people speak of a final goal and believe it is real, but it is a form of words and the goal as such is without substance. The one who realizes the emptiness of objects and concepts does not depend on words. Perfect wisdom is beyond definition, and pathlessness is the way to it.The wise one treads this path for the direct realization of impermanence and for the direct realization of understanding. This, then, is perfect wisdom. Such a one should tread this path knowing that attachment and attractions are neither good nor harmful, even enlightenment is neither good nor harmful, because perfect wisdom is not meant to promote good or harm for that person. However, even though there is no intention of good or harm, it does confer endless blessing."-Prajnaparamita

Ding-A-Ling

2006-07-14T13:11:00.000-04:00

This was my nickname as a kid, kindly prescribed by my dear Mom. Today I was referred to as a "Dingbat". I have heard that before too. I guess I can be somewhat ditzy, the more I have on my mind, the less apt I am to concentrate on one thing and I become very forgetful and lazy in my communication. I am the worst with people I know, my emails have run-on sentences, nearly made-up words and strange topics. I just figure that if someone knows me, they should be able to interpret what I am saying. My online instant messages are the worst. I avoid typing full words as best I can. I do not know why I am like this, apart from sheer laziness or being in a hurried state. I can not physically write anymore, my penmanship is terrible due to so many years at a keyboard.

I have a friend who refers to me as "the dumbest smart person he knows." Depending on the situation, that comment either irritates me or makes me laugh. I know when I am being a ditz, sometimes (more often than not, oddly enough) I am doing it on purpose. The comment irritates me when it is about something that I know about, something common sense to me, but not to another. I think the phrase "common sense" is deceiving. I have found what seems to make perfect sense to one person, makes absolutely no sense to another. I am not dumb, my mind wanders..a bit of ADD. If I choose to focus, I am all there. Sometimes I just do not want to, I do not want to take everything so seriously. I want to get the job done, but play while I am doing it. I guess that concept can be hard to take for some. I do have to try at work to be more "proper" in my wording when writing to other employees. People take their jobs seriously, they want to understand and get it done. This ideal I can comprehend, as I take pride in doing my job well and helping out as much as I can. As far as outside of work....all work and no play make the Dingbat a very cranky girl.

I went to lunch today, craving some sushi and needing some ingredients for a recipe for dinner (made up in my head, by the way), and as I pull away from work, the sense of being completely alone struck me. I can not say it was a sadness or loneliness, but I just felt like there was not another soul around me. I have been feeling lonely as of late, and have therefore decided to be alone. I have not sought out any companionship, just going about my normal routine. I shut my phone off as well. I did not shut it off because I did not want to talk to anyone in particular, I shut it off because I was afraid that if someone called and genuinely asked how I was doing, I would actually tell them. Frankly, you don't want to know. When I can get up and leave the house without a sense of dread, then I will turn my phone back on and be ready to chat.

Not Alone

2006-07-12T12:59:00.000-04:00

A very good friend of mine sent me a letter she received from another friend of hers. He is someone that she did not get along with at first, but as they got to know each other and learned some new ways of thinking via a book club, she considers him to be a great person. My friend sent me this letter because it is very inspirational and make great sense. It is especially pertinent to me now, I found out Nicky is back in Intensive Care after some more surgery. I am worried, my optimism waining. I need to accept that though I am upset about Nicky, my life must go on and it is ok for it to do so. Someday I hope to have the clarity that this man has found.

Hi Everyone,

All of you know at least some of the events of my past year, with the rescuing, enmeshment, and my mid life crisis.

I just received an e-mail from one of my new clients, that she is pregnant from an in vitro procedure. I also found out last week that one of my most trusted and oldest friends is moving. Both are important life events, one a new beginning, the other an ending.

How these events are related is that I have finally realized that I can care and be happy or sad about both events. It is just how I feel. How I feel doesn't have to dictate what I do. I can maintain a healthy detachment, to anyone in my life, no matter how important they are or how much I care about them. I don't have to interfere or get "sucked in", yet I can still invest a great deal of energy in the people I am working with and the work I am doing. I can enjoy the work, my life, the connection to people and their lives, yet still stay separate and allow them to make their own way, and allow myself to make my own way.

This is something I have "known" for some time, but knowing and doing and being are not the same thing.

I have spent so much of my life trying to solve other's problems, you have no idea what a relief this is to me.

The important lessons have to be learned several times before you can move on to the next.

Priorities

2006-07-11T21:14:00.000-04:00

As I sat in the field while my horse grazed, I watched the clouds roll swiftly by and recalled the days events, most of which were negative. Tonight, all the frivolous upsets I let get to me today were brought to a screeching halt by news I guess I knew was coming, but that I prayed would be postponed indefinitely. My Lilac Domino is leaving.

Lilac is the 28 year old Thoroughbred mare that I have been entrusted to care for during the past three years. I took an old, rail thin, unhappy horse and helped her to become a vibrant, healthy, young-feeling friend. I went right to my dear friend for a hug tonight, thinking the foolishness of this day was what mattered. It didn't, it doesn't....what matters is Lilac. She and I have bonded closer together than I have with any other horse I have known. In about two weeks, a trailer will come and take her away. I will not ever see her again. Her owner is moving her to Upstate New York, thinking it will save some money. Lilac won't have someone to wash her cuts, wrap her legs or give her some much needed bathes. She will be roughed out and only brought in to have her feet trimmed.

My heart is broken. Not only is something I love dearly leaving, she is going to a place where no one will call her Beautiful, where no one will greet her first, before all others. This is not the change I was seeking.......

I Need Out!

2006-07-11T12:39:00.000-04:00

This is the picture I have chosen to keep as my desktop at work for the past few weeks. I stare at it and wonder where the track might lead. The thought of just walking toward that moon is overwhelming these days. I need a new route to follow, and being me, I would like it to be "off the beaten path."

Part of my trouble lately, is that I have not adhered to my own remedy for mental stability. I promised myself that I would regularly visit the ocean or the mountains, as they bring me serenity. I have not done so and I am regretting letting go of that outlet. As "crazy" as it sounds, after the psychic I saw told me I needed that release on a weekly basis, I truely believe it helps me. It seems as of late, all I have been doing is working. I work my fulltime job, I work at the stable, I work at making my body more fit, I work at home to keep my animals and my family happy, I work at ensuring my friends know I am there for them. It is again time to remember that it is all about ME. It is time to seal old doorways to past ideas and open new ones. I know some of what I want for my life, but I have not sought these needs/wants out aggressively enough. It is time to get going in my actions, in turn slowing down the whirlwind of thoughts in my mind. Just as I had to force myself to keep balanced at my old job to avoid losing my mind/health with stress, again it is one at a time...one need, one desire, one idea.

Yada Yada Yada

2006-07-05T20:29:00.000-04:00

I have had a ton on my mind since my last blog post, but though I attempt to write them in my head for later entry, my communication of thoughts is not there. I began a post on Tuesday about how the Fourth of July used to be my favorite holiday, but it became a blurr of sentimental bullshit and I am feeling far from sentimental at the moment.

Nothing tremendously exciting has come about in recent weeks, but I am bored and need a lot of changes to happen to spark my enthusiasm again. There are some new people in my life that would like to get to know me better, just not sure I am in the mood to share. We shall see.

Anyway, not much time to blab about all the ideas bouncing around my tennis court of a mind. My computer is crapping out and will be leaving me tonight to hopefully be repaired. Wish it luck. Email is my favorite form of communication, I feel like I am giving up my two big toes right now......they give me my firm grip on the ground.

A Cool Breeze

2006-07-02T20:49:00.000-04:00

I attempted to post earlier this evening on my weekend, but the sweltering heat got the better of me and I decided to shut down the overheated computer and head out for a bike ride. I was right, in that a nice, quiet ride was just what I needed at the end of this day. Having far too much on my mind today, I decided to not ride my horse, so lacking in some evening exercise was an upset to me. There is a nice calm, cooling breeze out tonight and it felt great gliding through streets lined with open fields and/or lovely homes. I love this town, there are so many roads I have yet to travel and it's a new adventure each time I go out. I could not go too far tonight, as I have nothing reflective to wear and it is getting dark. I am guessing I rode about 8 miles tonight.

The highlight of my ride was the insanely beautiful sunset. I am angry with myself that I did not have my camera. I normally carry my camera on my rides for this very reason, but tonight, figuring it would be a quick ride, I left it at home. As I rode up a hill with cranberry bogs on both sides, the sunset was overwhelming. Pinks and blues pervaded the skyline, Nature truely is amazing.

The weekend so far has had it's ups and downs. Mom and I are not getting along like I would have liked, but I have gone out with friends for two nights and had a wonderful time. Ka and I went to dinner and had a really great conversation last night. She is an amazing friend and though we live far apart, it feels like we know each other so well. I am honored to have her in my life. She is moving back to Massachusetts soon though and I am very excited to have her near. Though, I am somewhat sad that I will have no one to visit in the beautiful town of Freeport, Maine after July. I might just have to sneak up there and help her pack......and while I am there, might as well enjoy some lobster and Maine beaches. :)

Old Friends

2006-07-01T10:08:00.000-04:00

I went out last night with some people I had not seen in a long time. It was good to be able to sit down and reminisce, but still feel comfortable. We had a great time chatting about all the crazy happenings in our lives (though I will say, their family is way more interesting than mine).

There was a band at the club, The World Premier Band. They were great, playing all sorts of hiphop, reggae, dance and funk music. One of the guys, Jiggy, was an amazing dancer. T and I swore he was a relative of Gumby. We also met a man named Dollar Bill. I have no idea where that nickname came from, but he was a great guy. He is good friends with the band and was raving about Jiggy and the boys. He pulled T and I on the dance floor and we had a fantastic time dancing with him. I must say, Black men can really dance and it was great to be socomfortable with someone I just met, but Dollar Bill was one of those kind-hearted people one could not help but like.

It was a great night. We laughed a lot. I miss my friends, hoping we can do it again really soon.

Bugs Bite!

2006-06-29T11:37:00.000-04:00

I was recently the not-so-lucky winner of a deer tick bite on my hip. After hopping out of the shower at the lovely hour of 6:00am, I scratched my hip, only to discover a tiny tick had been there and was now on my finger. Having a bit of blood-sucker-phobia, I tossed the little sucker into the toilet and flushed him. I was later informed that I was supposed to save my little hitchhiker for later examination at the doctors. I am afraid that the last thing I think to do after removing a tick from my flesh is put him in a jar and save him for some laboratory fun.

I placed a band-aide on the wound for a couple of days with my favorite Neosporin with Pain Killer in it and kept an eye on the mark. Tuesday, the tiny red mark decided to swell and grow to the size of a dime, therefore prompting my friends and co-workers to excitedly encourage me to call the doctor. The nurse then asked me about my symptoms;

Nurse: "Do you have stiff joints or muscles?"
Me: "Um, yes, every day of my life."
Nurse: "Oh, ok. Do you have a headache?"
Me: "I work for Corporate Cocksuckers (well, insert actual company name here), of course I have a headache."
Nurse: *Chuckle* "Well, how about a fever?"
Me: "Well that I do not have."

The nurse wanted me to see a doctor ASAP, but Doc Lady could not see my that day, so I made an appointment for Wednesday morning. I arrived three minutes before my scheduled appointment, not in much of a hurry, as the receptionist had informed me when the appointment was made that Doc was double-booked and I should bring a FAT book. There were two thoroughly obnoxious children, waiting with their mother, who enjoyed “entertaining” everyone for the first hour of my wait. After they finally exited the waiting room (during which I nearly jumped out of my seat with applause that they were leaving), I picked up the only two magazines in the area….one being an African American magazine with articles about how to satisfy your Black Man or which current rappers are currently angry with Oprah for not having them on her show. The other magazine was one about various muscle cars…..like I don’t know all that information already. HAAA

After a thoroughly tedious two-hour wait for the nurse to call me in, I was finally escorted to the exam room. The nurse asked me why I was here and what I thought might happen because a tick bit me. Let’s see now…deer tick, red rash….Google it! Lyme Disease Nurse-lady! After examining my bite for herself, she left me in the room to await Doc Lady, who arrived 25 minutes later. I think I read every jar, sign and piece of equipment in that room 10 times and was very close to going through the cabinets when she finally showed up

Doc Lady drew me some lovely pictures of different ticks and I was asked to choose my matching tick. I passed with flying colors after already saying it was a deer tick. I then explained that my concern lies in the fact that I am living in a wooded area and my dog has lyme disease, so it is around. The rash did not appear to be a typical Lyme rash, so she gave me my options. I could watch the rash and hope it does not get worse. I could take one dose of antibiotics to nip any possible infection in the bud, or I could take 21 days of antibiotics. The trouble with these meds….they cause stomach upset and severe stomach ulcers. So let me see…decision time….wait and risk permanent damage to my joints and liver, take one dose and at least feel a bit like I tried, or take the full 21 day dosage and risk serious stomach issues. I am afraid I have enough issues with stiff muscles and joints and I am all set with bleeding out my belly button…so I went with the one dose and some wait and watch time. Hell of a group of choices, eh?
So, here I am. Welt is still there, but I feel ok. Took my dose of meds and now have something in common with Isis, my poor Lyme infected pup. I figure with all the mosquitoes sucking my blood at night, I can hope they take the bad Lyme blood while they are giving me West Nile or Equine Encephalitis. Good times!

Ok Then

2006-06-27T20:28:00.000-04:00

Men are weird. Ok, I admit it, women are strange too, but since I am a woman and must side with my girls, I will comment on men. :) I have been observing more odd behavior lately. Maybe I am paying more attention or maybe it's just a full moon and it's true what I have heard...men are nuts at the full moon.

Let's see, there is the married man at my stable that I know is constantly staring at my ass. Granted, I have worked hard on forming a more muscular, rounded tookus, but damn...stop gawking. I attempted to ignore the obvious looks, but he has now come to be comfortable enough to tell me on a weekly basis that whatever I am doing is working. I guess I should be grateful. He says it is a definite enhancement....Like I told him, I could use all the enhancement I can get!

Then there is "the waver". This guy, from what I am told, is extremely shy, but sweet and has asked about me. I see him daily and everyday, the same routine....he drives by and waves. I figure another 6 months of waving and maybe we will work up to a hello. Oye ve! I guess I can't talk, I would not be one to just start talking to someone I really did not know. Poor bastard, maybe he is enthralled by my (hopefully in the future) luscious booty. HAAAA!

We can not forget the men at work. They are quite a group. There is the young guy who has MAYBE said hello to me in the hallway once, but otherwise talks to everyone but me in the room and NEVER looks me in the eye. It actually is quite disconcerting to me. Is he afraid I will turn him to stone?? I know I need a haircut and all, but I don't think my curls resemble snakes yet! On the opposite end of the spectrum is "the toucher". He stormed out of the office today after I loudly pronouced my dislike for his touching me. I said it once quietly, I said it again in private with a smack to the hand, third time..it's in public and loud. If I tell you not to touch me after you poke me a couple times and then you rub your hand on my back, I am going to openly protest, I don't care who is standing there. He'll get over it. I think he deserves a bit of embarrassment after telling at least one of the guys I said yes to going out. Note to skeevy men...when I say "mmmaaayyybbbeee" in a sarcastic, drawn out tone, it means NO WAY IN HELL! One would think if I was saying maybe in this tone while backing up after warning one to move his toes or I will run them over, he would realize there was no chance. I do not get it.

I can not finish without mentioning the guy who wants me around on his terms, but always wants every other attractive woman...all the while trying to "find himself" and what will one day make him a happy, successful member of society. Goodluck with that!

Men are nuts, women are nuts. Must be something in the air.......

On A Roll

2006-06-26T20:53:00.000-04:00

Two, three, four strikes?? I lost count. Am I out yet? Christ..seems I have fucked up more in the past few weeks than one should seemingly be meant to in a year. I am turning corners constantly and smashing into a stone wall. My sense of mental direction (decision-making skill) SUCKS! The concept of just doing is not working out for me, the consequences have been a bit too daunting for me to take. Sometimes life just seems to short to stop and think about what to do and sometimes I just do not give a shit. Is there a happy medium???

On a more positive note, my friend Nicky is on a good path. He is home and bravely dealing with his chemo treatments. I have confidence he will prevail over this cruel disease, Nicky is one of the most courageous people I know.

The fourth of July holiday is quickly approaching. I will have a much needed four day weekend. My only tentative plan is to go to dinner with Ka and visit Nicky. Also, on the 4th, my Aunt is having her annual cookout. The same old faces I have seen since I was very young will be attending, but that's fine with me. I will enjoy seeing my family, as I do not see them nearly as much as I should or would like. It is another case of watching myself let something important pass by with time, all the while knowing I will regret it later. Why don't I see my family more? I guess "life" seems to get in the way. I believe, however, that I would be more able to live if I was better connected with those who are most important to me. Maybe that is the point of holidays, to bring people together who should be together more, but let daily routines get in the way.

Funny and A Lesson on Life!

2006-06-23T16:56:00.000-04:00

A friend of mine sent me this joke...I had to share it.

The pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won. The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in another race, and it won again. The local paper read: PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT. The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in any more races.
The next day, the localpaper headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS. This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get rid ofthe donkey. The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent. The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the nextday: NUN HAS THE BEST ASS IN TOWN.
The Bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10.
The next day the paper read: NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10. This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the high plains where it could run wild.
The next day the headlines read: NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE. Alas;...... the Bishop was buried the next day.

MORAL OF THE STORY?? Being concerned about public opinion can bring you much grief and misery, and even shorten your life. So, be yourself and enjoy life ... STOP WORRYING ABOUT EVERYONE ELSE'S ASS, and you'll live longer and be a lot happier!

Presence

2006-06-18T20:42:00.000-04:00

I was not present tonight when I rode my horse. I tried to be there, to pay attention, but ended up trying so hard, it was a mess. What makes it worse, is that I am unsure where I was. Though at first thought it seemed my mind was blank and I could not have one thought, I think more likely, there was so much it was muddled and clouded.

I just finished reading a book, The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho. Via a heartwarming and truely interesting story about a young shepherd boy, he teaches some very important lessons on life. One of the them is a concept I need to focus on more. "If you pay attention to the present, you can improve upon it. And, if you improve on the present, what comes later will also be better. Forget about the future.......Each day, in itself, brings with it an eternity." Worry has consumed me again, forcing out the relaxation and peaceful state of mind I had briefly obtained recently. I know I can return to that place, but right now it seem so far away. I feel myself being pulled in so many directions, both by myself and by those around me. I need to concentrate on what I want and who I am or want to be.

The main theme of Coelho's novel is the idea of a "personal legend" or one's calling in life....the reason for being. I have wondered most of my life what my reason for being could be, and all I have come up with so far, is that I NEED to always be learning. Is my "personal legend" to just learn? There must be more to it than that.

"Whenever we do something that fills us with enthusiasm, we are following our legend (personal calling)."

There are a lot of activities that fill me with enthusiasm. I am most alive when I am spending time outdoors, either biking, walking, spending time with the dogs or horses, but how could this be my calling? Hence forth is my dilemna. I know I need to be outside, I need the companionship of animals and they need me, but when I try to meld these needs and desires into a life, I meet obstacles. Coelho discusses the four obstacles to obtaining one's personal legend. First off, and very true, "we are told from childhood onward that everything we want to do is impossible." Why? Why does it have to be impossible and look upon as frivolous for me to accept my niche in life is to do something with animals? Possibly there is limited money to be made, but I do not want to look back on my life and see dollar signs, I want to see smiles. The second obstacle is love. "We know what we want to do, but are afraid of hurting those around us by abandoning everything in order to pursue our dream." My friends and family want me to be happy, but some seem to think I am choosing a path of foolishness. I do not want to dissappoint anyone, nor make them think I am taking some easy road. There is nothing easy about going against common ideals on life. The last, and possibly greatest obstacle, "fear of defeats". Taking into account the other mentioned issues with obtaining one's personal legend, fear of failure and defeat encompasses them all. Do I have something to prove? I should not. I should be accepted for who I am, and those who love me should enjoy my happiness. Why must we compel those around us to adhere to our own tainted beliefs? I have my own mind, I make my own mistakes, but in the end, my accomplishments will benefit many.

Like A Nightmare

2006-06-14T20:30:00.000-04:00

Have you ever been sitting in class, listening to someone speak and then have the teacher ask, "does anyone have anything to say?" You raise your hand right off, eager to sphew out some amazing verbage. But, as you are called on to share your thoughts, all that comes out is "ahhhhhh...hmmmm...yeah...I don't know what I wanted to say." Argh...apparently that is me lately. I have something to say, a lot of somethings to say, but nothing can be melded together to form a coherent thought. Therefore, I find myself just staring at people, wishing they could just read my mind and spare me the need to clarify and explain. On second thought, I fear for anyone who tries to read a mind, which if illustrated, would be similar to the tornado that took Dorothy's house to Oz....all sorts of different items flying about, with that one main item of importance lost in the middle. I wonder when it will land somewhere accessible.

The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly

2006-06-13T20:54:00.000-04:00

So much happening these days, seems like too much to even express to everyone. I haven't been good about communicating with my friends lately, therefore I try to keep up on my blogs so no one worries I have gotten my wish and been taken by Aliens to a more peaceful planet. :-)

A friend of mine gave birth to twin girls this past weekend. I am so very happy for her. Col and her husband had been trying since I knew them, well over 5yrs, with no luck. Col suffered through the immense quantity of hormones and other fertility treatments, at times giving up because of the stress. I wished I could have helped her, it was so sad, she wanted a baby more than anything. When I found out that finally, after so many years, it all paid off, I was ecstatic! She deserves to be a Mom, she will be great!! This event is one really good thing to happen lately, something much needed in a time of sadness.

The bad is the waiting all Nicky's loved ones must endure to find out what will happen. I have not heard from my friend since Sunday, I am hoping for more positive news soon.

What is the ugly? My inability to wrap my mind around the good and smile for more than five minutes at at time. The only time I can place my concern and worry on the backburner is when I ride my horse, therefore, that is my new escape. I have neglected her for too long, never realizing that time could help me. I wish I could enjoy other parts of my day the way I used to. Someday...someday I will go back and hopefully be even better.

Afraid of Me

2006-06-11T21:33:00.000-04:00

I saw Nicky again today. He seemed better, but the fear in his eyes was dreadfully apparent. I was "saved by the bell" when his nurse came in and asked us to give them 10 mins to wash Nick...I was about to cry.

Ka asked me what would happen if Nicky did die. He would be ok, he believes he will go be with his family and his God. So, what would happen to the rest of us, what would happen to me? I don't know. I just don't know. I guess that is what I am afraid of. I do believe Nicky is strong and will fight as hard as he can. My trouble is, I do not believe I am strong. I am scared because I do not know how I will react. In honesty, I suppose I do not believe in myself. Am I selfish to be worried about myself?? I think I am, but I would willingly take all the fear and pain if it would help my friend. I want to do something for him.....but all I can do is care.

I am convinced that the connection between all of us in the Universe is very powerful and the positive feels and love that all Nicky's friends and family have toward him can help to make him better. I believe in my friend, I believe in my love for him. He will win.

Guilty Pleasures

2006-06-11T07:31:00.000-04:00

Last night was a lot of fun. Some friends took me out dancing, something I have not done in a long time. It was exactly what I needed after a somewhat heavy afternoon.

We went to see Nicky in the hospital yesterday. He sounded so upbeat and enthusiastic on the phone in the morning, but by the time we arrived, his first chemo treatment had caught up to him and he was feeling quite ill. It was hard to look in his eyes and see such disappointment. He was excited to have woken up that morning and felt fantastic, he wanted us to see him in that state. Instead, we saw him suffer with a headache and vomit any small amount of drink he had in his stomach. He still looked good for someone who has gone through all that he has. Nicky is a fighter.

Millie suggested was take Nick's friend B with us to dinner in the North End. B needed to get out, he had barely left Nick's side, except to go to work. I had a hard time walking away from Nicky and was on the verge of crying when we got to the restaurant and B consoled me. He is very kind, I felt badly, I should have been comforting him. It was good to know that Nicky has such a kind person watching over him. We had a nice dinner, everyone laughed, despite the weight of worry about our friend.

I felt guilty, as I have for the past few weeks, each time I laughed. I wanted Nicky to be able to go to dinner, and he should have been out dancing. He asked me so many times to go out dancing with him, but I always postponed it. Like Millie said, Nicky would not have wanted me to pause my good time with moments of sadness for him. He would have wanted me to get up and dance the night away. I did my best, Millie and Ka made sure of that. "Lifes too short" is what Millie said, we have to enjoy it when we can. She's right, Nicky's right. I really did enjoy myself last night.

Click

2006-06-07T10:27:00.000-04:00

I got hung up on this morning. Though I have always found that action disrespectful and rude, sometimes it's the only way to end a ridiculous phone conversation. I am not quite sure how or why the argument began. I did what I normally do (not on purpose, I might add) and I misused computer terminology. I am a scientist, give me a chemical name and I will get you an MSDS and tell you all about it. I can use a computer, but as far as speaking with proper technical terms, I am sorry...not happening. I do want to learn, I want to understand, but the manner in which I am taught can not leave me feeling demeaned. I have been sitting and wondering if I was in the wrong. I guess getting annoyed at being "preached" at for not knowing what I am talking about was wrong. I could have just listened or maybe hung up myself, but I attempted to explain myself and let my stubborn anger take over. I thought about whether I would get my nostrils all flared up if someone mis-spoke about horses or about some scientific topic...and franky, no I wouldn't. As long as the basic idea gets through, I am not going to nitpick about it. I was actually bitched at by someone from my past who has nothing to do with horses for calling my horse a pony. It's just something we do....seems to make them seem not so big and powerful when horse owners call even the biggest Thoroughbred in the barn a pony. You know I am referring to a large four-legged mammal that whinnies and shits a lot, right?

I guess some people are just extremely particular about their interests. I can not be. I have so many interests and so many things I need to concentrate on, I can't grasp onto one word or phrase and tear it apart, correctly even the slightest grammar error. I will say, the issue I mentioned which sparked said "argument" is resolved. I figured it out, admittedly using a bit of the thoughts angrily expressed to me this morning. I do listen, I just don't like to have every fact overzealously announced to me. Oh well, shit happens, egos take over and arguments ensue. I turned it into a positive and fixed the issue. So, all said and done....time to move on. It is all about learning, right?

Who? Me?

2006-06-06T14:53:00.000-04:00

Per my loving Mother, "you have a weird sense of humor." Hee hee, I guess I do. I sent her a story I found online that, for whatever reason, struck me funny. Is it me? Or is this oddly amusing?

Mayor Wants Brothels Kept From Cemeteries
By Associated Press
Tue Jun 6, 7:20 AMUPDATED 6 HOURS 14 MINUTES AGO
SYDNEY, Australia - Brothels and cemeteries don't mix and should remain at least 660 feet apart, a local government official said Tuesday.
Paul Pisasale, the mayor of Queensland state town of Ipswich, is part of a movement being led by the Urban Local Government Association to prevent brothels from being built near cemeteries. Prostitution is legal in Australia in limited circumstances.
"There's a lot of families and services that are going on and the last thing you want is someone conducting a spiritual service and a cemetery reflection time for family and a brothel going on next door," he told the Australian Broadcasting Corp. radio on Tuesday.
"It's totally inappropriate. There's a place for brothels and a place for cemeteries and we don't believe the two mix."

Convos Worth Having

2006-06-06T08:48:00.000-04:00

I was chatting with a friend yesterday and we began talking about our blogs. She was writing one about the fact that negative emotions are contagious, and she is right. http://www.blogamy.com/

I think a lot of the reason I have been distancing myself as of late, is due to my wealth of negative feelings towards the world. My patience for humans is nill and I tend to become angry with myself for being so somber.

We also discussed how sometimes friends can take our writings as personal attacks and it makes me stifle the topic about which I really wish to write. I came to the conclusion that my friends should know me well enough to accept the truth that I do not intentionally wish to attack or cause any pain to those I care about. Therefore, my blogs should be taken as an open window into the mind of someone who is not always very open. I guess I do not trust anyone enough to speak my mind in person because I fear the repercussions, but when I write, it is all thrown out there...react how you will. The human ego is a powerful entity, but I can not cater to it by containing my thoughts in my mind. I like to write, I need to write, and I want my friends to know where I am in my life.....even if I am too afraid sometimes to vocalize it.

More Tears

2006-06-04T20:52:00.000-04:00

I cried again today for Nicky, but this time they were tears of joy. He called me.. I did not have my phone on me, so when I checked my voicemail...there he was! I do not think I have ever been so relieved to hear anyone's voice. He called me some Italian name (no idea how to spell it, so I won't try) and asked "where the fuck are ya?" That's my Nicky!! I was so relieved to hear his voice, like a cement block was lifted off my heart. I am still worried and not sure what to say, but I will call my friend. I would have given anything to go see him tonight, give him a big hug and whack him for making me cry. But for now, I will be happy that my friend is home and I can talk to him.

Played

2006-05-27T13:43:00.000-04:00

I am so tired, my mind so exhausted that it is unable to move my body. I have tried to turn my mind to some thoughts that will inspire me, but other than the 20 minute burst of energy I had at the barn this morning, I just want to lie on the floor and not move.

Nicky has lung cancer. I was told not to tell anyone, but figure this venue is safe because I am not close enough to fellow employees to give them insight into my blog. His family does not want many people to know at this time, I understand. I do not know what to do, I do not know what to say. Mom keeps saying, "he is young, they can do surgery and remove the tumor." I hope she is right.

This is a long weekend, due to the Memorial Day holiday. I just hope three days is enough time to pull myself together and return to the daily grind as if nothing is wrong. I am not good at pretending, but I will try. I can laugh at jokes, chat with the guys, but my eyes won't lie. It seems a constant tear lingers, no matter what I do. My tears will not save Nicky, but they will remain until I know he is our of pain....one way or another.

What'd I do?

2006-05-24T09:00:00.000-04:00

Ever get the feeling that everyone is pissed off at you and you cannot think of what you did? Well, that is how I have felt lately. It seems everyone with whom I come into contact is someone perturbed by my presence. Though, the more I think about it, I realize it is probably me projecting my own emotions onto everyone else. I have been pushing people away, trying to be alone and figure things out. I read in a book once, “give the world what you believe the world is withholding from you, and you will receive it back in abundance.” What am I holding back on? Trust, patience, sincere concern….. I guess my wall is up these days and it is interfering with any peaceful coexistence with others. I need to drop the stubborn crankin-tude that I have and be grateful that there are friends around me that deserve better from me.

There has been a lot happening lately, and I admit, I do not deal real well with change, especially when I have absolutely no control over it. I am still waiting to hear the fate of my friend Nick, and that is making me crazy. Life at the barn has been changing lately, horses in and out, duties changing. I have been attempting to push my personal life aside, to the objections of some, but I feel like it needs to take a back burner to my responsibilities. I am getting that “itch” again, time for a change. What do I have to do this time to subdue that need? I wish I knew. My list of decisions seems to be growing by the day, yet I want to put is all on hold and just wait with baited breath for news that Nicky will be ok. If only we could pause time, some things are just too important to only have in the back of one’s mind, but in order to keep going through they day to day drudgery, that is where I must place my concern for Nicky. That fact is not fair. I am overwhelmed…does that make me selfish? Am I only thinking of myself?? I must be a nut. I worry now that I am not worrying enough, but when has worry ever helped me? It has helped me into some back pain, helped me shed far too many tears, helped me lose people close to me. I need to remember, ““You can't change the past, but you can ruin the present by worrying about the future”

Wake Up Call

2006-05-22T09:24:00.000-04:00

It is amazing how in less than 20 seconds, in reading an email, all the trivial issues that can invade one's mind will be wiped away. I found out this morning that a very good friend of mine is extremely ill. He is in coronary intensive care and not doing well. Though I do not see him very often, Nicky has always been special to me and I love him dearly. He was my first true friend at work and has always been there to help me and make me laugh. Right now nothing is more important than Nicky getting better. I feel helpless, all I can do is hope. A 26 year old, extremely kind, loving person should not go through such pain....Nicky is full of dreams and he needs his time to fulfill them.

Stop The Insanity!

2006-05-18T11:05:00.000-04:00

The famous phrase coined by exercise guru Susan Powter are words to live by. I was led to remembering that extremely energetic woman when I saw Google's latest quote of the day, "Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results." - Albert Einstein. How many times will you see someone like Susan Powter and Albert Einstein quoted in the same paragraph..haaa, seems fitting. I have realized that I have been "insane" in the manner in which I have lived in the past...repeating the same stupid mistakes (even worse, all the while realizing they were mistakes) and expecting some sort of positive outcome. Well...NO MORE.

Now, this post is certainly no declaration that I will never make another mistake, because I am a professional at making bad choices, but from now on I WILL learn from them. The whole point of living is to learn and gain knowledge, so if I do not realize what I have done wrong and why, then I am not really living and that is just a waste of precious time.

I have to share a little story from a friend of mine. Her daughter, Emm, 3years old, was not feeling well, dizzy with a headache. She turned to her grandmother and said, "Nana, I just can't get my head together." Oh my, she is so cute. Welcome to the world of adults! How many times have any of us said that, and we did not have the excuse of being a sick 3 year old. Nothing more honest than the words of an innocent child.

A New Day

2006-05-15T19:40:00.000-04:00

This time last week I felt like I wanted to die. Everything was too much...too much all at once. I am better this week, I have had time to be alone and heal. The rain has not helped anyone's mood, it doesn't seem to want to stop, but I am doing my best to not let it bring me down...even going so far as to annoy others by saying, "just think of how lovely and green everything will be when it stops." I know, no one wants to hear that after it has poured for a week straight. It will end....I even saw the sun for about 10 minutes tonight.

Summertime is coming and I am excited about some new endeavors and potential positive turns in my life. I won't curse them by stating my exact plants, but I will remain optimistic. At this time, optimism is all I have. Well, optimism and some really great friends encouraging me.

Mother Nature...I am begging you.

2006-05-10T11:07:00.000-04:00

It needs to stop raining. I just checked the extended forecast...and guess what....it's going to rain. I know that the mal-feelings which accompany extended periods of rainy weather are all in our heads, but still...come on now!

I guess the weather pretty much corresponds with my mood these days. I want to be alone, I want to mourn Tony, I want to heal from the pains of recent events, I do not want to answer anymore questions. Stop asking me how I am, I might eventually sphew out an answer no one wants to hear. I am feeling hostile, I can not even answer an email without the semblance of some annoyance at having to feign contentment. It is not that I do not appreciate everyone's concern and their desire to make me feel better, but I can not, nor do I want to feel better right now. I just want to be.....this too shall pass.

My Baby Boy

2006-05-08T13:52:00.000-04:00

This is Tony. He died today. I have loved this cat for the past 16 years, and will love him always. It is hard to bury one of your best friends. He will be missed more than I can express. I will be continually grateful for all the fantastic memories I have with Tony, we have been through so much together. My heart is broken....

FA LA LA LA LA

2006-05-05T14:41:00.000-04:00

I sang today! I know, just that statement does not mean much, but to me, it is huge. I love to sing, I love music, so for me to drive my car without my tunes going and singing along to just about every song on the radio is not normal (remember, I mean normal for me). If anyone has any doubts as to what my mood is at a certain time...if the radio is on low or off completely....run! No music equals unhappy girl. Today was the first day in far too long that I sang just about the entire ride to work. I sang Nickelback songs, Shania Twain tunes, Elton John, and the list goes on. It felt good. For me, this is a breakthrough. Just ask my Mom, when we would drive together, I would be singing the whole time, so she would change the station in attempts to find a song I didn't know....well, if I did not know the particular tune at first, I knew it by the second verse....a little talent of mine. :)

Another aspect of this day that was great, the weather! Granted, I am stuck inside for most of the day, but I had my window wide open and a shortsleeve shirt and I wasn't cold! I was actually kind of warm. Fantastic! I also was complimented on how I looked in this shirt, so that helped. Plus, on top of all that, I think I am a bit closer to convincing the Bossman to allow me to go to 40hr OSHA training so I can do some field work. WOOT, the great outdoors!

Ames sent a heartwarming email I wanted to share. What a gal! I love my sarcastic, yet amazingly caring friends.
"i love ya...more than my tevas. AND, if it came down to it i would choose you over chocolate!"

Ames - right back at ya babe!!

"Thank-you for you. You make a difference for me".

2006-05-03T11:54:00.000-04:00

A very good friend sent that message to me. It is something I would like to say to all the caring people in my life, so I figured I would post it. Thank you all! As much as I complain and worry and am sad, I have so many people who I know are there for me whenever I need them. I constantly feel as though I do not express enough appreciation. I am a writer (well, someone who likes to write anyway), so I guess this is my way.

I had to take my dogs to the vet last night. I was worried about Isis, she has been quite sore on her front legs and has a new mass in her chest. According to the vet, they are fatty tumors and no worry, but like I tell everyone, Isis is a god-sent and I can not imagine life without her. I know someday I will have only memories, but not yet, we are not done sharing life. It was so cute to watch each of them worry about the other as the doctor looked them over. Kayla kept attempting to pull over to her sister and wagged her tail ferociously trying to get the doctors attention from Isis. Isis panted with utter frustration at not being able to save her sister from the big, mean doctor. They are good girls, I am blessed to have them. Also, I must add how proud "the Mumma" and I are that Isis did not go with her original instinct and attempt to bite the vet in the face. Kudos my little chow-chow! Muzzles are no fun and she's no dummy...anymore. :)

Another Quote Worth Sharing

2006-05-02T18:19:00.000-04:00

D sent me another good one. I had to post it....

"The reward for conformity was that everyone liked you except yourself." Rita Mae Brown

The Rumor Mill - Up and Running

2006-05-02T13:41:00.000-04:00

There is a rumor floating around my office that there might be something “going on” between myself and one of the foreman. How does one say there is a better chance that I will find religion and join a convent than this man and I having any relationship outside of work? Don’t get me wrong, he is a nice guy, but a bit more than tweaked in the head. Some of the stories that he has told about past relationships would make anyone, other than the oddest of women, run for the hills! I have told everyone here I do not date people with whom I work, but apparently he does not think this concept applies to him. After spending 15minutes last week trying to get him to back away from car so I could leave, I am told he came into the office and bitched at one of my coworkers for telling me things that this man has told the other guys about his past. What?! Am I deaf? I can’t hear them all talking in the next room? I do not need to hear any stories…the answer is NO.

I guess I am too nice and have to be a bit more blunt than saying “get away from me, you freaking pervert” and outright tell this character to stop asking me out and stop talking to the others about me. I do not want someone lurking behind me in a doorway sniffing my hair while I talk to one of the specialists. Doing that and then telling me my hair smells nice is NOT a compliment! I do not want someone telling the other guys that he is sure I am a lot wilder than I “pretend” to be. I am not wild at work, and that is all that should matter to any of them. It is time to handle this little problem….

All I can say is eeeewwwwww! I think I need to go shower now!

From A Good Friend

2006-05-01T11:43:00.000-04:00

A friend of mine sent me this story.....

Small story - man falls into a hole and hollers for help - a doctor walks by - man shouts up can you help me doc? Doc writes a prescription and walks away. Minister walks by - agian the man hollers - can you help me minister? Minister writes a prayer and throws it down to the man - walks away. A friend walks by - man says can you help me friend? Friend jumps into the hole - man says - are you crazy now were both here. Friend says - Ive been here before and I know the way out------

-Your friend

Just Feel Better

2006-05-01T08:47:00.000-04:00

As I am not a computer geek who knows how to post links to play songs or videos, I decided I will just post the lyrics to a song that describes how I feel at this moment. The song is by Santana, featuring Steven Tyler of Aerosmith.

"Just Feel Better"

She said I feel stranded
And I can't tell anymore
If we coming or I'm going
It's not how I planed it
I've got a key to the door
But it just won't open

And I know, I know, I know
Part of me says let it go
That life happens for a reason
I don't, I don't, I don't
Because it never worked before
But this time, this time

I'm gonna try anything to just feel better
Tell me what to do
You know I can't see through the haze around me
And I do anything to just feel better

And I can't find my way
Girl I need a change
And I do anything to just feel better
Any little thing that just feel better

She said I need you to hold me
I'm a little far from the shore
And I'm afraid of sinking
You're the only one who knows me
And who doesn't ignore
That my soul is weeping

I know, I know, I know
Part of me says let it go
Everything must have it seasons
Round and round it goes
And every day's the one before
But this time, this time

I'm gonna try anything that just feels better
Tell me what to do
You know I can't see through the haze around me
And I do anything to just feel better

And I can't find my way
God I need a change
And I do anything to just feel better
Any little thing that just feel better

Long to hold you in my arms
To all things I ought to leave behind, yeah
It's really getting old
I think I need a little help this time!

Yeah
[Guitar solo]

I'm gonna try anything to just feel better
Tell me what to do
You know I can't see through the haze around me
And I do anything to just feel better

And I can't find my way
God I need a change
And I do anything to just feel better
Any little thing that just feel better

Reposted....someone helped me add the video. Thank you.

Santana
Lyrics

Santana
Music Video Codes

Music Video Codes by
VideoCure.com

4 Hours Later

2006-04-30T16:23:00.000-04:00

My ass is killing me! Get your minds out of the gutter...I went for a bike ride. All I can say is, thank goodness for my extra Power Bar and for the little voice in my head telling me to always bring money when I go on my bike rides. I tend to go too far, but this time was a doozy. Don't get me wrong, I saw a lot, enjoyed a nice day and had some time to think.

I was supposed to spend the day with a friend of mine, who will probably read that I went bike riding and think I am a big fat liar....but I did wake up very sore today, as I have a lot recently. I could barely sit and the thought of driving was making me cringe. It is best that I did not go out anyway. I was able to take some much needed time to clean my room (though I broke something I treasured.) The bike ride was necessary, despite my back pain, because my mood was less than friendly and I needed to get away from everyone.

Leaving for these treks, I never have a route in mind, I just go. Most likely why I am constantly lost and exhausted when I finally make it home. Today, I rode into Carver, Ma. I have never gone into the center of Carver and figured it might be interesting. After stopping for a much needed water and snacking on my Power Bar, I headed down Rt58, following the signs for Edaville Railroad. I have never seen this famous railroad, so I figured I would check it out. How was it? Deserted! Edaville doesn't open until June. It was somewhat creepy, like in an old Scooby Doo episode when the gang is investigating an abandoned amusement park. My active, wimpy imagination intact, I decided to high-tail it out of there.

Instead of continuing down the original course I had chosen, I took a right. I am glad I did, for I found a lovely Arabian Horse farm. Of course, I can not remember the name of it, but I took some shots of the beautiful horses. One of them, a grey mare, was quite the spitfire and put on a little show for me, trotting and cantering about, tail high in the air.

Further down the road, I ran into these lovelies....an Alpaca Farm! Not something one will see everyday in Eastern Massachusetts. What a hoot to watch these large balls of wool wander about. They do not appear to be the friendliest of creatures, but I figured I was pretty safe (on the other side of a 6ft fence).

As I attempted to figure out the best way home, without adding 2 more hours onto my ride, I found my way to Rt 28, a place I knew well. Needing a rest, I decided to stop at the Angel View Pet Cemetary. It is a very lovely place, but I had never gone inside. As I walked around, looking at the stones of all the beloved animals who have passed away, I began to cry. As silly as it may sound, looking at all the great pictures and the kind words people had to say about their pets, I could not help but feel for them. The pain of loss of a cherished pet is something one never forgets. It was heartwarming to know so many people are that devoted to their animals.

So, here I sit, just about 4 hours after my ride began, a bit too tired to go ride my horse, as previously planned, but happy to have enjoyed this day. I decided to treat myself to the last two scoops of mango sorbet and a cup of tea, and now it is time to rest. Today was a good day.

Off I went...

2006-04-29T18:12:00.000-04:00

I kept pretty busy today. Ran errands in the morning after exercising, then went over to the barn. There was far more activity at the stable than I normally like, but I guess I have to get used to it as the warmer weather comes. I was able to get on my horse for a quick ride today. It wasn't the best day, high winds and chilly air, but she was good. I will not say we were superstars, but it was a start.

I went to the beach today. The cold wind kept me from staying long, but it was nice to go back there. I sat for a bit watching the waves, but decided once my toes matched the blue nailpolish I had painted on earlier, it was time to move along. I have many fond memories of this particular place. Not much has changed...except for the huge condo they built at the end of the area I liked to walk. Oh well, tis the times....

Despite any construction, I miss this place. I miss the sound of the gulls, watching others as they walk along either with a human companion or a dog. Soon, this area will be filled with people, and not nearly so peaceful, but I will still return. The drive alone was nice. I enjoy going for a long drive on a sunny day. On the way, I drove a route I knew well. For my drive home, I decided to traverse a new path, see where I would come out. I did get a bit lost, but eventually found my way. I actually would have preferred to have been lost a bit longer, as the scenery was nothing to cringe at; lovely houses, parks, farms. So much to point out and admire....Though it is best for me to be alone at the moment, one can not help but wish there was someone in the car or on the beach with whom to discuss what is seen. Someday...when I am ready.

For those who have never had the pleasure, I decided to take a picture of the "Mayflower" replica which is docked in Plymouth Harbor. I would have taken a picture of the legendary Plymouth Rock, but there was a young man standing on the rock (illegally, I might add), so I decided to move on. It's a big rock with a date carved into it....you aren't missing much there.

Quest for Freedom

2006-04-29T07:52:00.000-04:00

There is nothing fun about getting up at 5am to get on a treadmill and run as hard as I can for a half hour. I have gotten stronger, but still every morning wake up thinking.."maybe I can skip today." But I can not, I must do it. I am tired though, life has taken it's toll as of late and I am in a slump. My back is screaming for relief, which my mind can not seem to give it. I have recently increased the speed on my run to 7mph (about as fast as I can go without crashing into the back wall) and as I sprint along staring off into the distance, I feel like if I just keep running, I will finally exhaust that part of me that blocks my deepest thoughts and I will finally be allowed to see the truth. The truth about myself, the truth about my life and the truth of why certain events come about. How hard must I run, how far must I go to have my clarity? I think I will take my own advice, as well as the thoughts of a fellow blogger, and go to the ocean for my clarity. The sounds and smells of Mother Nature's most powerful ally have always helped to clear the fog that envelopes my soul.

I was reminded of how lucky and possibly foolish I can be at times yesterday. A hiker was raped when she went into the same woods I would walk alone everyday when I worked in that area. I was cautious, I paid attention to everything, but there is always the chance. My Mom says that I should never have done that, I was risking too much...but it was my sanctuary. Should I have walked around all the office buildings at lunch, never really escaping the suffocation of corporate life, rather than enjoy my 40minutes of freedom in the woods? I can tell you that I needed those hikes, and occasional sprints through the forest. I need to hear the birds and the chipmunks, I needed to see the deer hiding in the brush, I needed to get away. I was lucky, nothing ever bothered me while I was there. I hate now, that my love of such a wondrous place is destroyed by the actions of one awful person. Will I risk a walk in the woods alone again? Probably.......

Positive direction

2006-04-26T10:33:00.000-04:00

I received an email from a good friend that I wanted to post and she was fine with it. I told her I needed something positive to post right now and she is kind enough to donate her own words....

it's really odd how random strangers phrases bring a smirk to my face.... like that one i sent about "getting any?"

well, was just at starbucks and the guy in front of me ordered stuff and ran to the car to get money... the woman behind the counter felt bad i had to wait b/c they get frowned on for voids... but the guys behind me says "do the void, look at her, she's worth the void" LOL!!!!

*sigh*

so I think we should share random quotes of the day.... i'm finding not all people suck! some are actually quite amusing ;-)

A Defensive Hangover

2006-04-26T08:29:00.000-04:00

I said some things last night that part of me regrets, not because the statements were not true, but because I was baited into anger and frustration and should have just walked away. I fear that what I said will be taken as hateful and cruel and make this person, whom I would never want to hurt, angry and bitter. I do not like to cause anyone pain, I said what I said to make this person think and realize that I only want the best for him.

I am unhappy. I am unhappy that love and laughter are not enough. I am unhappy that someone I know cares would purposefully say hurtful things in order to make me angry so I will leave. I am unhappy that people cannot just cry, ask for help, not only apologize for past mistakes, but learn from them.

I wanted honesty, kindness, humility, understanding….I wanted a friend. I fear I have lost, given in to someone else’s insecurities and did what was expected and walked away. The only way someone can take the harshest of truths without hate, is to trust the person who tries to convey these thoughts to the best of her ability. I know that now defenses are up and my love and hopes for the best are not trusted. For that I am very unhappy….

I do not understand

2006-04-25T20:52:00.000-04:00

I don't understand people. Something happened tonight that I knew would, but it still hurts. Someone I care about is lost and I can not help, no matter what I try to do. I am sorry for that, but I can not be sorry for anything else.

I wish you well......

Not-So-Perky Thoughts

2006-04-21T17:57:00.000-04:00

I haven't posted in awhile, but not due to lack of thoughts streaming through my mind. I have been in a terrible "funk" lately, and am really getting sick of myself. Today's quote of the day from Google at first appeared very pessimistic and sad to me, but the more I read it the more I agreed. Does this make me pessimistic and sad?

"There are people I know who won't hurt me. I call them corpses." - Randy K. Milholland

I guess I am getting that feeling of wanting to escape people, hide in the woods or on a deserted beach and just be alone. I learned in the past that being alone does not make one lonely and I have always felt the loneliest with people around me. Sad fact....

Something good did happen recently. I finally met a very great person face-to-face this past weekend. She and I talk just about everyday online, but had never met, and I am thrilled that after spending a couple evenings with my company, she still is talking to me. :P She is a good friend, I am lucky to have her in my life, even from a far distance.

Spring is here. I am trying to leap into excitement mode. I have been working my horse a bit, and that makes me feel better. I increased my workouts on the treadmill...hoping to see some better results.... without killing myself falling off of it. I will admit I went to the doctor on Tuesday and I have gained some weight since last year. Not much, but just a small amount is enough to throw me into a tailspin. I work so hard to get fit, seems to never be enough. Friends and family have said it's muscle mass, not fat, and that I am thin enough, but for someone who suffered from years of ridicule for being obese, I can not seem to wrap my mind around this currect weight gain being a positive thing for me. I look in the mirror and I do not see something positive, but I am at least trying to see a work in progress. I do not want to be the rail-thin, frail looking girl walking down the street. I want to be fit, I want to run miles without tiring, I want to go hiking or biking without having to rest until I am done. I will get there someday, that I promise.

If you like it, quote it

2006-04-13T07:58:00.000-04:00

It has been busy at work, so no real time to blog my own original thoughts. I did, however, receive a lovely forward via email about the story of a baby squirrel who was adopted into a family of Papillons. The forward contained two fantastic quotes I figured I would share.

"The animal shall not be measured by man. In a world older and more complete than ours, they move finished and complete, gifted with extension of the senses we have lost or never attained, living by voices we shall never hear. They are not brethren; they are not underlings; they are other nations, caught with ourselves in the net of life and time, fellow prisoners of the splendor and travail of the earth." ~Henry Beston, The Outermost House, 1928

"Life is a precious gift. Don't waste it being unhappy, dissatisfied, or anything less than you can be."
"Too often are we so preoccupied with the destination, we forget the journey." - Author Unknown (at least to me)

Stop Flirting!

2006-04-11T18:40:00.000-04:00

I was told today that I shouldn't use my tongue to swipe a piece of carrot from my front tooth because it is perceived as seductive flirting by men. Are you kidding me? I just didn't want a big blob of orange stuck to my tooth. I had another guy I used to work with ask me if I still wore "revealing" clothing to work. I honestly do not recall wearing anything very revealing when I worked at corporate, but Michael swears there was this one outfit in particular..... Damned if I remember, but wish I did...might come in handy!

I honestly think men are nuts! Ok, so all humans are nuts, but men floor me. Women...they are crazy bitches, but men can be worse in the way they think it is "all about them." I had someone, a man, tell me that I have some sort of power over men (especially the ones at work) and I can get them to do whatever I want. I goddam wish! I might be able to guilt them into helping me out on something, but it always comes with some incessant whining and complaining that they always do what I want and get crap in return. "If you don't like my attitude, get out of my office" is my usual response. Believe me, I would much rather replace the water jug on the cooler or go to the job sites and take note of all the rolloff container numbers that are on site. As it happens, though, I am too damn weak in my back to lift the water and am practically tied to my desk in case the damn phone rings or someone is too lazy to use a pen and MUST have their paperwork printed automatically.

The next week and a half should prove interesting, the only other woman in the office is on vacation. As my previous post implies, this is NOT the best week to annoy me. I nearly snapped my cell phone in half this morning because of one male ego attempting to prove itself dominant and almost hung up on one of my drivers for daring to complain I missed one part of his paperwork, therefore forcing him to break out a Bic and write it himself.

My patience must win out this week. I love the guys I work with, they are (fairly) respectful and usually good for a laugh by saying something utterly stupid or in one case; falling backward flipping his chair over because of something I said. But if I fail in keeping my cool, there is a large river behind my building.......no evidence will ever be found. Besides, after the stories these guys tell about their personal lives, I highly doubt the wives would miss anything, as long as a paycheck arrives in the mail. :)

Random Blabber

2006-04-10T14:57:00.000-04:00

I am not liking being a girl today. It is the beginning of the "bad week" for me and I feel like crap. I don't think it's fair that I should have to suffer just because I did not get pregnant last month. Believe me, I am sure I would be a big pain in the ass if I was pregnant, so everyone around me should count their lucky stars that the only reason I will gain weight right now is the bowl of jelly beans on my coworkers desk or the bag of cheese curls my Mom tried to hide in the cabinet. I blame the hormones for my utter lack of will-power. I certainly can not admit I am a weakling!

Today is my friend's birthday. I hope it is a very very very fantastic day!!!

All the changes to my blog are thanks to a very sweet and helpful computer geek I know. :) And if anyone doesn't like it....it's a work in progress. If you still don't like it when I am done....bite me, cause it's mine. :P

Oh and I found an important quote today and everyone knows how much I love quotes.

"The pursuit of happiness is a most ridiculous phrase; if you pursue happiness you'll never find it. " - CP Snow

Highs and Lows

2006-04-09T08:41:00.000-04:00

Live Music is intoxicating! I went to see a band play at a small tavern last night. I loved it. I really enjoy watching live bands play, when you know they are really enjoying what they are doing. It is like a drug, giving me the best high. Most of the audience was just standing there watching, but I had a hard time sitting still. They were playing a lot of popular rock songs, Pearl Jam, Jimmy Hendrix, STP, etc. It was only their third gig together, but they are coming back to that tavern in May, and I am definitely going to see them.

I wonder if it bothers some musicians to perform in front of a crowd that just stands still and watches. They are a rock band, playing with all their heart and soul. I would prefer and audience that dances even just a bit......Tap your feet or something people! I guess everyone is different.

Someone very close to me is depressed. He wants to find ambition to improve his life, but it has not come. I am frustrated because I can not understand why anyone who wants to get something done, just does not get up and do it. Sitting idle and thinking about the problem isn't going to change anything. One of my favorite phrases, "Talk is cheap." I wish I could help, but as much as I believe this person has an immense amount of potential, I can not force that view on anyone, most especially someone who has fallen into a rut of despair. I guess all I can do is be here and listen. I have tried pushing, I have tried talking. I want to drag him out of his house and make him enjoy the day, but the choice is not mine. I offer love and support and I hope it is enough.

So much....

2006-04-07T21:15:00.000-04:00

It's been a busy week. I have had so much to blog about, yet everyday I was too busy to get the time to sit down and write. I am still trying to decide where my best fit would be in life. I am in that frustration mode, in which days just fly by and before I know it a month has passed and nothing, but the weather, has changed (atleast nothing over which I had control). I am still in limbo about Lilac. Her owners (a married couple) are far from agreement on when and who. They want to take Lilac away and bring her to a huge farm in Upstate New York to live out her final days and they want to bring me their 5yr old Thoroughbred off the track. I would prefer to take Lilac's daughter, Lily, as she is 10yrs old and a bit more trained. She is also lame at the moment and I would like to get her back into sound shape. I also work better with mares than I do with geldings. The ex-racehorse's name is Whaleman. His owner assures me that he is a sweetheart, but none the less, he is still a young TB off the racetrack and they are RARELY calm horses. He will need to be worked and constantly handled. Our barn is quiet (at least when I am there) and I like to keep it that way. We shall see.

The main issue I have with this whole horse switch, (other than the fact that I am beyond worried about Lilac and will miss her terribly) is that I am being left in this state of unknowing. At this point I know something will happen, but what and when seem to be up in the air. I was told I have issues with change. Maybe. I think a lot of people do, but I can adjust to change when I am prepared for it. I do not like being told one thing, then the next day having it totally changed on me. I want to plan, I want to be ready....I am tired of waiting. People can be so selfish, they forget how much one's indecisiveness can affect everyone involved. I admit, I am indecisive when it comes to where to go to dinner or what movie to watch, but on the big issues....I do not bring it up until my decision is made. I know I will say goodbye to my old friend, but when remains a mystery which plagues my heart everytime I think of her.

I think I am just frustrated lately with a lot of things. I feel as though I am being dicked around at every corner. The barn, work, home.... At work I have been making mistakes and that angers me. I get half-assed information to work with and the result ends up being completely wrong and I look like an utter moron. I will admit that some of the issue is my complete lack of interest in learning what I am being instructed to do. I am not meant to be in an office and deal with paperwork and accounts and quotes. I do not care about this type of work, but I would still like the proper tools to learn. I take immense pride in my work and I want to do well, so I will keep plugging along no matter how tedious it seems.

A friend of mine is searching for a home to buy. I suggested a couple of my favorites in my own neighborhood. He did like those houses, but he found a few others he preferred more. I gave him advice on where to look and I did a little research for him. He said I am doing better than his last real estate agent. I have often thought of getting involved in real estate. I love architecture and land and finding great houses. I wonder if that could be something for me. Might be worth exploring. I have decided I have nothing to lose, except my pride and happiness if I do not try to better myself by being involved in a career I can be proud of. It is not enough to just do a great job, I have to want to do a great job because I care about the work, not because I hate failing.

I am angry at myself today. A very good friend of mine had surgery today and I honestly forgot until this afternoon. She did not make a point to remind me yesterday, knowing I would worry, but I should have remembered. I wanted to be there for her. She is brave and she is stubborn. I know she will be ok. I wish I were there with my friend...

My Niche

2006-03-31T22:09:00.000-05:00

I met an artist tonight. Her name is Rachel Maguire. Check her out at http://www.rayarray.com/. She is a very nice, intelligent person and I enjoyed talking with her. She has a lot of dreams and ambitions, but also the drive to get there, and I whole-heartedly believe she will. Listening to her talk about where she wanted to be in the future made me wish I had such ambition. I don't know where my niche is. I love art, music, writing, animals, science....and though I have some talent in each, I don't know where my heart and soul lie. Though it can be fun to dabble in many different aspects of life and learning, I would like to be able to have someone ask me what I do and have a straight, confident answer. I am a musician, I am a photographer, I am a novelist or a journalist, or any number of professions involving animal care. I can't answer that question at the moment because my "job" is not where I want to be. It pays the bills.

I was a good girl, I did what was expected of a smart young lady growing up in Milton, Massachusetts. I went to school, maintained good grades, graduated high school and went on to college. I didn't know what I would study in college, so I chose biology....close to animal studies I guess. Mom says I should have majored in business or something which would have positively landed me a good job out of college. I could have done that and would have done well, but I would not have had any interest and certainly no enthusiasm. I enjoy my science, biology, math, chemistry. I am intrigued while reading MSDS' on different chemicals or products. I revel in calculating the percent chlorine in a chemical formula. I am a science geek.

Maybe I just do not stick with anything long enough, strive for any goal with enough vigor. In middle school, my music teacher attempted to tap into my musical abilities, both in hearing all the intricate parts of a musical piece, to singing to playing either the piano or the guitar. I loved it, she was a great teacher, but then she became ill and died of breast cancer. She made me feel confident in mytalent, but without her it seemed to fade. I wonder what would have happened if I continued.

My senior year of high school I had an english professor who forced me to write to my best potential. He would pick on me, make me rewrite everything and would not let me stop until it was perfect. It was not about grammar (though I can get anal about grammar still), it was about the content and methods of expression. He made me want to write better and he helped me realize how much I do enjoy writing. My trouble lies when I try too hard to write, I will inevitably be plagued with "writer's block" and it will drive me nuts until I accept it is not time to write. What if I had gone into journalism??

I learned my talents with animals working at an animal shelter and then a riding stable. I have an eye for diagnosing medical issues and a sense for how the particular animal is feeling and why it reacts in a certain manner. I absorbed anything that was taught to me and sometimes would amaze myself at what I could learn in such a short amount of time. I am still learning, it will never stop and I thank the animals in my life for whatever knowledge I obtain and for selflessly sharing their lives with me.

So as I sit and write, I hope to miraculously come up with some answer to my own question, but it has not come. Maybe I need to travel, see more places, meet different people, find something that ignites that spark. I feel trapped in the "expected" life of responsibility I have right now, but I will do what I have to do for the moment. My time will come.......

8:30AM And All Is Not Well

2006-03-31T08:38:00.000-05:00

The day has just begun and it is not going well. I started off great, I got up a half hour early, got onto my treadmill and ran my half hour. I was so proud, great way to start off my day. Then it all went downhill......

On my way to work (the time I like to relax), I had someone pick a fight with me on the phone over my management of my time outside work. I was told that I complain about having too much to do on Saturday mornings, so I should do some of my errands on Friday night after work. Friday night I am in vacation mode and the last thing I want to do is stand in line at the bank or go to the store. Maybe I am selfish, but I would rather go see my friends or bike ride or walk my dogs instead. I have been trying as of late to stop complaining about my responsibilities, so to be told I always complain pisses me off. Believe me, I won't say anything about my time again. I have been trying lately to arrange my schedule so I can get my responsibilities done and spend time with those I care about, but it takes time and with all the changes coming in my life, I think I should be cut some slack.

I then got to work, normally not too stressful of a place. No one was here, so the only thing I have to be good about is answering the phone before BL gets in. Well, the boss called and in his own sarcastic way informed me that he does not like how I answer the phone. I am sorry, but I know that when I call a company I hate getting a lengthy introduction to where I am calling and frankly, I doubt anyone cares who I am, as I might get one phonecall a week. I say "hello" and mention what company they were "lucky" enough to call. Short and to the point. Oh well, I am not a goddam secretary, so unless you want to increase my salary to include extra secretarial duties, just deal with how I answer or fire me!

I am most definitely taking my walk today. I found a great place to walk right along the ocean. They call it the bike path. Water and birds on both sides, large boats floating by and the smell of marsh land and salt water. It is great. This new place will have to be my daily serenity. I don't know about anyone else, but I enjoy watching the little tugboats pull the enormous tanker through the water.

Inspiration

2006-03-29T11:22:00.000-05:00

What does it mean when one can not find a source of inspiration? Is all lost or is it a temporary flux of desires in life? A friend of mine recently asked me what inspired me. I could list off many beautiful things which could or have inspired me in the past, but I fear if I had those things near me, I would not receive that wave of emotion I so enjoy....that which erases the negative and refreshes me with new ideas, new promise of the future. In the past, a scene such as this would bring me that feeling.

I had so hoped that my trip to Florida, standing on the warm beach in the Gulf of Mexico would help to clear my mind and renew me, but I am afraid as lovely as it all was, I did not feel it. Does that mean I need another trip, maybe to the mountains? Maybe, but I would like to obtain my clarity at home, thereby being able to jump right into a new project or wake up feeling like I will accomplish something important today.

My Celtic music nearly brings me to the scene above, almost feeling the breeze and smelling the flowers.... Maybe just accepting it is time to "shape up or ship out" has awakened me, maybe my clarity is coming...like a beautiful leaf drifting closer to shore...I am eagerly awaiting it.

The World's A Stage

2006-03-28T10:32:00.000-05:00

And I would like to get off......

Why are humans so addicted to drama? We see it on the news, in movies, and regrettably in our own lives. I listen to the gossip at work of everyone's home lives, from why the wives are mad to who owes who money. I sit in my office and I turn up my radio....I do not want to listen anymore. Humans grasp onto past events and embellish them to the point of a wondrous story of traumatic events in our minds. Patrick Price writes, "You see, we've become so used to drama as a familiar presence that we've unconsciously cleared out a drawer for her long-term comfort, making her feel welcome when she ought to be our most unwanted guest." I wonder....why can't we just let it go? Get over ourselves and our "little stories" and just live life? It seems we spend so much time rewriting the past and labeling each event that we lose site of the present moment.

I dealt with a lot of drama today and it honestly throws my back into a tailspin. The woman I work with "got her panties in a bunch" because one of the bosses from another office reprimanded her for doing something wrong. He's right, she shouldn't have done it, but she is right, he isn't her boss and has no business talking to her about it. She was all enraged and I had to listen to her story atleast 5 times as new people came back to the office. One of the girls at my barn has decided to quit working there because I posted a note reminding everyone of proper procedure. Yes, I posted it because she fucked up. Was it rude? I don't think so. She left a nasty note about why she did what she did (and I might add...lame-ass excuses) and then posted another note stating she was tired of "all the criticism" and did not want to do the feedings. I erased it. Tough shit, you screwed up (not the first time)...apologize and move on. Why can't people just learn and admit they were wrong and not get so goddamn defensive. Oh well, I say...good riddance if you are going to be so stubborn.

So many people just seem to almost enjoy being unhappy, that it feels like a dust cloud choking anyone in the close vicinity. I am tired of being engulfed in such self-serving foolishness. I realize my blog could be my way of spewing out my own dramas, but I try to post, not involved anyone directly with my rantings and move on. Admittedly, I have failed many, many times. I could write a long story of all my "tragedies of life", but what change would that make? Would those incidence suddenly be different? Actually, they probably would, they would be expanded upon and sound far worse. I do not want to dwell, I want to move on. I simply do not understand why some people are so involved with their own mental stories, that they can not turn the page of their book and see what could be in the next chapter.

She's Baaack

2006-03-25T08:03:00.000-05:00

Well, I am back from St. Petersburg/Tampa, Florida. It is lovely down there, anywhere I can see the ocean is great. The weather was lovely, the sand felt marvelous under my feet, the birds were gorgeous (except the laughing gulls<----annoying beasts), I met some nice people...but I was definitely ready to be home!

I will have my pics ready to post this weekend and will describe all the fun, from a nice relaxing walk along the waterfront, to a stroll around Busch Gardens, to the not-so-fun attempt at going to Clearwater Beach and getting into an accident. No worries, we are ok, but that was an abrupt, depressing early end to our vacation. :(

As hard as I tried to be engulfed by the winds of the Gulf of Mexico and forget about the decisions to which I had to come home, it was impossible. I have to either be selfish and let something I love dearly go or sacrifice some of myself and my Capall for another. Lilac Domino is going to be leaving me. She is the older grey mare I have loved and cared about for the past three years. Her owner can not afford to keep her with me anymore and I can not afford to take her as my own. They offered to pay me a certain amount that would cover some of Lilac's costs each month, but I would inevitably be caring for her and doing a lot of extra work for free. I love Lilac and even as I write these thoughts, my heart breaks, but how can I justify my not spending that extra time with Capall, my own horse, to take care of another horse that I don't own. I am frightened for Lilac, she needs the extra attention I give her, but she will not get it where she is going. I have seen pictures of where she will be moving, it is an enormous, lovely farm in upstate New York. She will be turned out with the other old horses in a huge field, but that is it. No one will put her special boots on, make sure her blankets are perfect, give her the special feed supplements, wash her legs, check her melanomas and make sure they aren't interferring with her digestion or breathing. I do not want her to leave, she is so happy, but then I look at my little painted mare standing in the field, not groomed or even petted in days...she deserves her time of someone loving her. I have to think of the time I need to enjoy myself, to enjoy my horse. I can't worry about Lilac.....I wish I would stop crying.

Be Careful What You Wish For

2006-03-18T21:09:00.000-05:00

I learned all too well this week the truth behind that statement. I have some big decisions to make in the near future, and though I had an entire blog written in my head about it, I have decided to let it be, for now. I am going on vacation tomorrow, Sunny Florida. I am annoyed that I am not more excited, but like I said, recent events have bogged me down with thoughts I would like to leave in Massachusetts. Wish me luck!

My time

2006-03-16T19:14:00.000-05:00

The morning is my time. I drive an hour to work, and it is my time to relax, listen to the radio and enjoy the peace. I will admit that I am in NO hurry to get to work in the morning, I adhere to the speed limit and I do not get upset about other people and their rushed driving (mind you, this is only true for THE MORNING DRIVE TO WORK). This morning, I encountered 3 vans attempting to pass me on the right. I just kept driving straight and to avoid hitting me (in my seemingly ignorant state), these fools backed off. The first two intersection attempts were made by minivans, one driven by a woman and one by a man. I was amused. The third intersection (and mind you, this was 3 in a row) involved a small school bus van. Yes, that's what I said, school bus! And yes, there were some small children aboard. You know what....if I was a Mom, I would rather my child be late for kindergarden than get into an accident on the way. Amazing!

So, after getting through the more traffic laden part of my drive, I decided to pop in my Counting Crows Greatest Hits cd. I haven't listened to it in awhile and figured it might be fun, I felt like dancing. I learned a couple things from my rockin' on to CC this morning. First off, my left leg muscles are not adept at this time for foot tapping to the beat. Second, not only is bopping one's head around while driving distracting to the other drivers, but using one's right foot to tap to the beat is quite distracting. Thank goodness for cruise control, which allows me to tap with both feet, and bop, shake and otherwise move my head to the groovy beat. Ha! Good times! I will work on my left leg though, for those more congested areas where cruise control just isn't an option.

I learned something else today. Well, not that I did not know it already, but I need to definitely work on it a lot more. I SUCK at explaining myself in uncomfortable/tense situations. My fear of hurting someone else's feelings or just saying what I am thinking incorrectly seems to squelch any speaking ability I may have and severs the connection between my brain and mouth. Yeah, definitely have to work on that one....